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Looks like I should get used to being lonely at night.
And going to bed alone.]]
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I'm sorry you got stuck with a person who seems to have little to no emotion, yet can be overly dramatic at the same time.
I hold that similarity to this character.. and that's why I understand him.
These feelings are suppressed for a reason and they are overactive for a reason.
Love and feel deeply.. yet we can't be vulnerable, afraid it'd break us at any moment. And once we are vulnerable -- it does come in waves.
Even this may be an overreaction, writing this down.
That's just.. me. I know, I wouldn't like me either.
Lately, I feel really shunned for who I am.]]
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[center [size15 I'm happy she's happier now.]
[size10 I'm happy they make her laugh more than I ever could, a lot more than I make her cry..
I always believe it doesn't matter what you're doing.. it's who you're with that makes something worthwhile.
I'm glad she's happy with the balance of having just friends and school to deal with, she seems lighter than ever.
If she's fulfilled, I no longer hold a place and purpose..
It's time I hang up now.]]
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I don't know why.. it hasn't occurred to me that someone could let you go for something you struggle with.
It sounds real naive, but now I know.
From friends or lovers, I shouldn't expect any different. It shouldn't have been anything new to me. This thing I struggle with will never be accepted to anyone, it'll just create distance and make me.. unlovable.
I'm just a fool who thought it was okay to have this, to be accepted.
But it's crippling me.
Slowly, but surely... there will be a new me, somewhere.
I would like to look back at my old self and say goodbye forever soon.]]
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[size10 Tonight serves as a lesson for myself.
I'll post it here for myself to see, where I can talk about it here without limiting myself, and I won't bother anyone about it.
I learned a lot about myself over the couple of hours where my mind is just spiraling thought after thought. I've finally, finally.. hit a calm . Maybe because I'm just finally realizing a lot of things about myself.
First and foremost, I realized [i how much] I dislike myself. To some, I may appear at least somewhat confident in myself. I may appear like I have my shit together, nothing affects me. That's how I want to come off as... don't we all? But tonight I realized how wrong I was. I realized how paranoid I am, how afraid of--basically the world--I am. People can see that I'm 'shy' and 'awkward' and people can see that I suck at socializing on all levels, how stale of a person I am. That's how I always think. Because... that's what I believe myself to be and that probably shows to other people, the more I realize. I dislike myself because I know all of my bad traits and I'm afraid that others hate it. Cause.. it's not the first time people disliked me for no reason.. just because I don't talk much or I'm too quiet. And it will never be the last, because I will have people who just don't like me. I need to remember that.
I realized how little worth I held myself. I don't love myself enough , as much as it appears otherwise. I think.. this has to do with me always being less than someone I grew up with, always 'second best'. And although I know I'm very much loved now and always was in some way.. it still doesn't change the fact that I felt always 'second best'. I realized I wanted to for once always feel chosen first. I wanted someone to let me know that they genuinely love being with me and around me [i the most], which I had this one special person to do and say all that. But.. I needed that feeling all the time. And that's wrong of me to do, it's unfair. The moment I start to feel like I lost to something or someone, I end up having that 'second best' feeling resurface. That's not fair to the person I'm with, and I get that it's tiring. A reason why I'm no longer tolerable and they can no longer be with me. I thought that it hurt when the person I love to be with all the time basically thinks I'm tiring, that I'm 'never satisfied' with the time they give to me. When they say that, I always feel like it's me forcing them to spend time with me until I give the 'ok' they can leave when I'm 'satisfied'. That's not how I want to feel.. I don't want to feel controlling or a chore. One thing I know I'm sure of and no one can tell me otherwise is that I really, really do enjoy every little time I have with someone I love and care about--a little does go a long way. Really, it all comes down to me wanting to feel like the top choice, the #1 person they want to have a good time with. Today was a hard hit to the stomach that it shouldn't be that way, the way I want at least.. I can be their #1, but they don't always have to choose me first as someone to spend their time with all the time. Even if it leaves me salty.
And lastly, as much as I think that the saying 'others won't love you until you love yourself' is not true.. it is true to some degree. I know this--if I don't love myself and see my self-worth, then it will be hard for the people who love you to make you see it for yourself and by you convincing yourself of all these negative things of you--you'll convince others of that as well. Basically, I don't love myself, so the love of my life couldn't love me to their full potential.. and that sucks.
Even though I say I can talk without limits, I ramble on too much. I have a lot to say so I gotta keep this short for myself.
Love yourself for fuck's sake. You're worth more than you assume and you are the first choice [i always] to yourself. I bet you that people will probably love to be around you more if you give yourself a chance. I promise when you heal... it won't be that scary.
Don't have your walls so high up and quit closing yourself off because of how you see yourself.
You have potential to be amazing in someone's eyes.
Don't think it takes someone to love you for you to see it yourself.
You'll be happier, I promise.
One day you'll look back to this and agree that you are definitely happier.]]
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