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[size10 honestly, I really didn't appreciate you telling me that my "boyfriend texted me nighty."
especially since, y'know. you're my boyfriend. you're trying to guilt trip me for something that isn't even real.
though, I've been a bit fucked up in terms of my feelings since that night I went out ... Wish I could forget all that happened, but I haven't. It's got me fucked up and my heart hurts. I don't know I've caught feelings for someone else, just because I received a little bit of affection while he was drunk. I cried the other night though, because it does hurt.
I didn't want to end up with feelings, and I have no idea why I did.
I just wanna isolate myself right now, but I also just wanna talk to him a lot lmao. I even texted him last night something that I could've told him while we were gaming together. All for the excuse of being able to talk to him.
I'm just fucking pathetic. And I feel guilty. But. Maybe he's guilting me because he has feelings for someone. I don't fucking know. I can't ask. He'll just tell me no. Whether it's true or not. And I don't feel like snooping because what's the fucking point? I don't wanna betray his trust in that way. If he isn't honest, that just sucks , but that's on him and I know I'll find out one day.
If he doesn't love me anymore, I can't fault him for that, but I can fault him for lying to me , and guilt tripping me when he doesn't need to. It's been hard to even want to be around him, or anyone for that matter. Everyone just stresses me out so fucking bad. Everyone around me anyways.
I'm so tired. I'm just so tired haha.
I'll probably just isolate myself more and more. Especially from the people I've managed to catch feelings for.
Death sounds so fucking appealing right now. Not that I can. I wish I had some form of coping mechanism. Maybe I'll start taking the dog on long walks and listen to music. Might be easier tbh. It'd get me exercise, and a break from being around my boyfriend, that isn't because I have to work.
My thoughts are so scattered and my mental health is so bad right now. Self harm in the form of bruising almost seemed appealing, but I gave that up and I don't wanna ruin that. About to start smoking again. Been missing it lately.
Probs not a good idea. At least, not y'know ... Cigarettes. I guess I'll just settle for smoking my juul.
too many thoughts, meh. I'll probs touch on some of it later. I'm just really tired and my boyfriend kinda sucks at the moment. I know we're both stressed, but I'm tired of getting yelled at or him being irritated with me every time we're around each other.
Not really healthy for either of us. I'm sure it'll get better, once the stress is gone. If it ever goes away. [s [size10 meaning my brother since his ass still lives here and has been for the past four months. even though it was only supposed to be one month.]]
Moral of the story? People suck for the most part. Animals are better. I have a doggo happily sleeping on my shoulder and I love it. He's so cute.
[center [size10 fuckkk you.
aka just how I'm feeling right now. not even directed at anyone in particular just ... how I'm feeling right now.
I'm jusst tired and don't wanna do anything really today.
[center [size09 for some silly reason, I thought I was tired of that name, but I'm not. I like the name a lot still. I guess it makes sense ... I've had it for years. So ... I guess I am happy with it. I'll embrace it, instead of trying to shun it, like I've been doing lately.
I still feel so sick to my stomach, after a week. I hate it very much, and I don't really know what's wrong with me. I've slept, I've been eating, I've tried tums and other medicine ... Nothing has been helping.
I'm definitely going to go to the doctor tomorrow. It'll be better than suffering through whatever this is. Hopefully they can figure out what's wrong, and hopefully it isn't too serious ... If it is, then ... It's probably my fault, for not going to the doctor sooner, or getting things taken care of like I should.
I'm horrible at procrastinating, especially when it comes to seeing a doctor. I'm not even sure why, it isn't like I don't have healthcare ... Ah well...
Going to spend the rest of the night playing Final Fantasy, and relaxing.
[center [size09 omg there's a surprising amount of things I did not know about FFX like ;; Dream Zanarkand ?? somehow, I missed the memo on that ;; but it makes a lot of sense now. Dunno how I missed it, because it's in the damn game! But I still didn't know. ;-; Meh. Oh well. :/
I really want to get Horizon Zero Dawn, but I probably won't get it anytime soon. I've heard nothing but good things about it though, and have managed to avoid spoilers so yay for that. Also, wish Overwatch would go down in price for reasons ;; because it's still at least $50, even though it's been nearly a year since the game came out.
I don't really have anything important to say . Just ... Tired and have a lot of silly things on my mind. I just love final fantasy so much, and I can't decide which game I want to play, haha. I have too many to choose from, and once Zodiac Age comes out, I'll have even more ~ I'm still pretty excited for that I really enjoyed the game, even though most other people hated it. I never did get far in the game tho. Not as far as other games, but still . I actually liked it. It's still a million times better than the mess that was XI... Which still shouldn't be talked about. >-> Because it really was that bad.
Well ;; Time to decide what to play until we leave. This'll be fun.
[center [size10 Time for random rage and saltiness not directed at anyone in particular ;; literally just a result of how pissed off people made me at work
edit: not a rant, more so just rambling.
I know fucking everything about the characters from NieR. I have never loved a game as passionately as I have loved that game. Not even Final Fantasy compares to my love of that game. I know every little detail. I have read Grimoire NieR. I know the difference between Replicant and Gestalt. Hell ;; half the people that played it don't even know Replicant exists. I fucking bought Replicant for fuck's sake. I know that Kaine is actually a hermaphrodite, even though it is never stated in the English version. I know [i why] she is a hermaphrodite. I know all the details of NieR and Yonah. I know what's up with the disease that's affecting everyone. I know what happens to Emil. I KNOW EVERY. LITTLE. DETAIL.
I may not know the new game as well, but I know I will. My love of the game knows no bounds, and I will indulge in every single bit of lore and detail that I can, once the new game comes out. I know me, and I know my love of this game and series.
Like, I'd bet most people don't even know that NieR occurs after ending E of the first Drakengard game. Alternate timeline and all that jazz, but still. Also ;; kind of wonder how many people went through the trouble of getting ending D of NieR... Cuz like ;; that ending was just painful, in so many ways.
Mmm ... I'm done with my random af rant. I feel a little better. I think my anxiety just got the best of me during work.
[center [size09 I probably just blew my cover, but that's ok. I'm not going to sit idly by, as someone insults a friend.
I'm glad to see she's handling it well, although I'm sure it's eating her up inside, wondering what exactly she did wrong.
Which was nothing at all, I'm sure, because it's impossible to make everyone happy, as much as you wish you could.
- - -
I stayed home from work. Called off. I feel so guilty about it, but I'm exhausted. My stomach has been hurting off and on the past few days, and today, eating made it hurt a million times worse ... I hope it's just a stomach bug. It's been making me so sick though. I've been running to the bathroom all day. I haven't eaten in hours either. I've been too scared to, because it made me so sick the first time. I can't even identify what it is that's making me sick, so ... I don't think it's food. Unless it's dairy products? But ... I've never had an issue with them before. And last night at work, I stayed away from dairy products and was still sick. So I don't know what it is ... Still, I'm going to have to pick up several shifts, so I don't get fired. That's the one thing I hate about my job. You call off, it's two points. Which is fine, but ... You only get back half a point for covering a shift. Which means you have to pick up at least four shifts, just to make up the points from one call off. I hate it. It should be at least one point for picking up a shift, in my opinion ...
[center [size09 suddenly, I feel very not special. unimportant. it's not ... something I want to really talk about. I guess I just feel like maybe a lot of things were a lie? That probably isn't the case at all but ... I just feel very insecure and wary now. I guess it's my fault for ever thinking I was special. That I'd be the only one. I just feel very betrayed. It's probably wrong of me, but I just do. And in the end, all I can think is that it was dumb of me to think that I was ever special.
I've felt sick all day. It was horrible. Working while feeling sick was just horrible.
;; I'm also really tired.
nothing else to say really.
I'm tired, sick, and I miss Ifrit. I want cuddles very badly.
[center [size09 this shit is just ridiculous. no fucking respect what so ever ... my fucking roommate brought people over at 3 am, and they're just being stupidly loud and shit... it's ridiculous and I'm so fed up. I just wish I could fucking move out already. I want to find a place, and JUST GO. I'm so sick of her and her bullshit. Constantly loud, constantly inviting people over late at night. ignoring the fact that my boyfriend and I need to sleep.
I just hate it so much and I want out so very badly. I'm going to do my best to save up and get the fuck out. Pay off all of my rent. Pay off the down payment + first month's rent for another place. I just need to get out of here, because being here is driving me crazy at this point. I literally can't stand it anymore.
[center [size09 please please please work out this time ...
i don't pray, but ... I would consider it, if it would cause things to work out well.
I don't want things to go south again. I'm sick of it. It hurts every single time.
I just want things to stay ok
I'm tired of hurting.
So please ....
Just work out.
[center [size09 I am scared. Very scared. I don't ... Know why.
I'm ... It's been a while, since I've felt comfortable opening up. Like ... Truly opening up. It was just a thought I had last night. Some things, I'm an open book about. But most things? I'm so quiet about.
That' s ... really all I had to say.
I've got things to do. Bye bye now.
[center [size11 I miss you. Please come home and make me feel better ...]]
/ 2y 56d 20h 42m 54s
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[size11 my nights just get worse and worse. I was basically yelled at my manager for accidentally spilling trash on the floor. wouldn't be surprised If I was written up for it ... Then I fucked up my chance to get a female Espeon in pokemon go. I'm crying my eyes out right now. I cried at work. I don't normally cry at work, and I definitely don't cry in front of others ...
And ... I'm just thinking about stupid things.
/ 2y 56d 20h 44m 43s
[size11 Ifrit is such a dork. You wouldn't expect it, given how he normally acts, but he is. I guess, while he was half asleep at work, he was thinking that he could buy me a ring, now that he's getting paid weekly.
It's dorky, and it's adorable.
I'm just a little nervous.
I don't want anything fancy .... But I don't want a cheap $5 ring either. I mean, I'm worth more than that, right ? I don't want him to drop thousands of dollars on a flashy, big ring.
I just want something small that costs $100-$300 at most.
It's probably wrong of me, to be so picky ;; I just don't want something that I know I won't like. :/ I just want a small little ring with a small stone ... something like [http://i65.tinypic.com/xmomxf.jpg this] or [http://i68.tinypic.com/2zyx43k.jpg this] ... Not too cheap, but not ridiculously expensive or flashy either. Simple, but still pretty.
And ;; keep gold away from me. >-> I hate it, unless it's white gold.
Which sucks because I can't wear most earrings, or even jewelry if they aren't gold, or surgical steel. :c darn allergies ...
I'm not feeling so well today. Not at all. Physically. I feel sick to my stomach. It isn't fun, especially since i have to go to work in an hour. Going to be a long night.
[size11 I swear, I could just disappear from this site, and no one would care.
So maybe I just should. Disappear. Forget about all of this. I mean, heck ... I've been on this site since I was 15 or so. I'm 21 now. I'm an adult. The only thing really keeping me here, is my love of writing, and a friend or two. Other than that ... What really is the point ?
No one would notice if I left.
/ 2y 57d 12h 54m 59s
[size11 Got to work and basically the person that was working my position did absolutely nothing.
K thx fuck you too.
I'm just ;; salty and tired.
Not feeling well either, but pushing through.
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