[center [size10 [i "This is here for me to hide in my mind, and write what makes me triggered or even.. alone. "]]]
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[size10 [u •Thinking of her• ]]
[center [size10 "So I had a thought about my mom, and how I could never forgive her, then I remembered that I never had a dad and how I never wanted to meet him. When I was little I was so naive, I thought everything was all sunshine and rainbows, and every broken heart could just be bandaged up and it be okay.. I know now the scars are to deep to ever forgive and forget. Missing is different from forgiving, you can miss someone all you want, but deep down in your heart you never truly forgive them.. never truly trust them.. There are people that want me to make up with "her". To those people, you all make it sound so easy. You make it sound like everything can go back to the way it was... That everything can be fixed over a glass of milk and a plate of cookies. I really wish that were the case. But, a person in my life once told me that you never seen the red flags through rose-colored glasses. And they right. I step back now, and I see all of the red flags between us. Our relationship was unhealthy.. It was so unhealthy that I fear that no one could ever find a cure.. "
"I just really wish you just forget about me, and move with your life.. You can't take care of me forever. I want to grow up, maybe start my own family and my own life,. This would be different if I was disabled, but I'm not. I can live on my own, that's my choice.. I've made these choices for myself, and you find it so hard to believe, that you have to blame everyone around me for my choices. And I just think that's unfair.. But when is life ever fair? I guess it goes to show, that we don't know each other.. That we were strangers living under the same roof.. We're going down a road that has a fork in it, let's agree to disagree and take our own separate paths. I think that this is for everyone's best interest."
"Turn my back to the door, Feel so much better now. Don't even try anymore, Nothing left to lose. There's a voice that's in the air. Saying don't look back nowhere. There's a voice that's always there, And I'll never be quite the same as I was before this. Part of you still remains, though it's out of focus. You're just somewhere that I've been. And I won't go back again, You're just somewhere that I've been. Breathing in, breathing out, Ain't that what it's all about? Living life crazy loud, Like a girl's supposed to. No more words in my mouth, Nothing left to figure out.I don't think I'll ever undo, The scar tissue. That's the way I feel tonight, I can't just press delete. Expect the world to make it right, I know that no can do. Got to let the pain just hurt. Try to live and let it burn, Follow, watch the world keep turning. Yeah, and I'll never be like I was, the day I met you. Too naive, yes I was, that's why I let you in. Wear your memory like a stain. Can't erase or numb my pain, Here to stay with me forever. Breathing in, breathing out, Ain't that what it's all about? Living life crazy loud, Like a girl's supposed to. No more words in my mouth, Nothing left to figure out.I don't think I'll ever undo, The scar tissue. One of these days I'll wake up from this bad dream I'm dreaming. One of these days I'll pray that I'll be over, over, over you. One of these days I'll realize, that I'm so tired of feeling confused. But for now, there's a reason that you're still here in my heart. Breathing in, breathing out, Ain't that what it's all about? Living life crazy loud, Like a girl's supposed to. No more words in my mouth, Nothing left to figure out.I don't think I'll ever undo, The scar tissue."
[size10 [u •Nobody thinks what I think.•]]
[center [size10 "I am emotionally exhausted. I want to stop thinking about all this. It's draining.. I want to move on.. But I can't.. I get so upset when you say those things.. I get upset when anyone says them.. I have more to accomplish in life.. It's my senior year, and I'm not sure if I can do it... I have plenty of people who believe in me though. I wish you could of been one of them.. I'm not sure what's going on with you... But I hope that everything works out for you in the end.. I don't understand adults, I don't understand people in general. Sometimes I wish things could go to the way it was, but I know this path I'm on is better for me.. Maybe it is better for you too... Since you don't have to worry about a kid like me.... Now you can have your childhood back... We all know that you grew up too fast. I'm sorry for everything. I know that you have memories problems, and I know it won't be fast... But I hope that some day, you can remember what happened. But I want you to try your hardest to remember these words: No matter how many times that you fall down and scrap your knees, I want you to try your hardest to pick yourself back up for yourself, for the people that care for you, because deep down you know that people do... Especially me. Because I love you, and I want to make sure your safe...
[center [size24 "But that's none of my business."]]
[size10 [u "What can I say that I already haven't?" ]] [Center [size10 "I want to personally thank you for you taking your time out of your day to talk to me, it was a nice chit chat we had. I just can't help to blame myself, I know it's not my fault now though, thanks to you. I'm not really good of telling my feeling to anyone, I mostly like to keep to myself, and I do somewhat apologize personally because you got mixed up in this huge mess. You seem very sweet and that's pretty hard to come by. I should know since I'm a high schooler surrounded by the most meanest kids in my small little town. Just.. I'm sorry all I can do at this point is thank you dearly, but sadly that's all I want to say to you.. I don't have any further words to say, I'm just shaking because I'm so thankful someone talk to me at this point.. And actually listen to me. Only a few did, and I'm so grateful people want to hear me for once in my life. I feel like people actually care about me in all of my years on this earth. I thought since I didn't have a mom, I didn't have a dad, I don't have a grandmother anymore, I don't have my siblings anymore, that I had no meaning to go on, but I feel like climbing up those stairs in confidence.. I'm going to make it I'm sure of it. I'm so very thankful. Thank you so much.
[size10 [u "Liars. Liars everywhere."]]
[Center [size10 "No one exactly calls you honey when you're sitting on a throne. It's been hard, it really has. I try to act happy on the outside but in the inside I'm slowly breaking.. Why do you pull this longer then it needs to be, these conspiracies, these theories, I would never backstab you, just... why can't you remember, or stop acting for five seconds that you don't remember atleast, please give me some closure. I remember, and I'm not a good liar.. I wish it could of ended differetly, I want a sister I want a brother.. And now I just have nothing, I didn't get to have either of my siblings on my birthday.. I promise I would of been strong for the both of you, but I gave up I cry myself asleep that night missing my family. I tried to play it cool, I broke everytime I saw the blood, why would you want to die if you had me.. did you not like me anymore? was.. I no longer you security blanket.. what did I do wrong.. I'm sorry, that day you weren't happy being left alone.. but I remember the barrel of that gun like it was yesterday, silver surrounding the dark black hole of the abyss ready to fire. I've been trying to forgive you, but I can't. You sent him away with a man who we just found out that isn't even his real father. He is a New York deadbeat liar. You promised if anything happened you wouldn't separate him and I.. But you did and now we will never see him ever again and it's your fault and I just can't forgive you for that. He needed us and you sold him like a donkey on the black market. You lied to me, you broke your promises too.
[center [size18 [i "D E P R E S S I O N"]]] [center [pic https://68.media.tumblr.com/638b82f7223b08e76ce7e63ebeb802b0/tumblr_o090u9pZYt1ugpg80o1_500.gif]] [size10 [i [u "What is wrong with me… ?"]
[center I push people away, I finally snapped and locked myself in the bathroom and yelled at Alex.. Were fine now.. but because I’m so depressed it makes me see things about myself that I don’t want to see and I’m scared for my safety.. I don’t trust myself. I know this sounds crazy but my mind didn’t clicked and I was digging in the bathroom trashcan trying to find.. something.. but I remembered I threw them away in the kitchen trashcan and the trash bag is long gone. I’m glad I didn’t find them.. Because I had a vision that I cut my throat open with a razor.. I don’t want to die. I want to be happy for real… I want to live.. but how can I live like this, my mind is telling me, “How does death feel?” “What’s on the other side?” But… I DON’T WANT TO KNOW. “
"The only way I'm thinking straight is when I'm locked in my mind in the shower, or if I'm typing how I feel.. I can't get the words out, if I do I'm scared of what people will say about me and I don't want them to worry about me either. I hate this feeling it comes once in a blue moon, I'm.. loved.. I love my home, I love my make sift family.. I love my bed, I love how I look, I love how I'm getting better with things.. but.. Why do I feel like this, why was I cursed with this stupid depression that I can't control.. I want to be sane.. I want to be.. me.. I don’t want to die.. I want to live.. I want to be okay. I want someone to tell me that I’m okay and that there is nothing wrong with me… "
"I wish I had the control over my mind as It has control over my body. It's broken I think, I don't work.. I don't work at all.. I don't feel a damn thing at this point. I asked myself today, how many pills would I have to take for it to make me feel completely numb... head to toe.. I would never say that.. I’ve done it before so I should know.. I think it's because I can't save anyone.. I couldn't save her.. Now she's gone.. I couldn't even save him.. Now he's mad or upset everyday. She wouldn't listen to me and now she is dating him again and I know he is going to hurt her again.. I couldn't change her mind... I'm useless.. I'm no hero.. But I want to be.."
[b "I want to matter for once... is that to hard to ask for?" ]
[center [pic https://68.media.tumblr.com/0ab98d5d62849d3c6a4b78dd26759177/tumblr_mltjfe2psV1rks9x0o1_500.gif]] [size10 “Sitting here, what can I say? You made me mad with your sarcasm."
[center "Theres a corner I sit at when I have nothing to do outside because people bore me, and you called me a liar saying I don’t sit there, really? Do you even know me? I get depressed and I sit by myself, just because I was joking, you glared at me and acted like someone just shoved a stick up your butt. Just stop! I’m still already mad that you talk to her, I’m so close to the edge of telling your mom that you hang out with her still. YOU NEED TO GET A HINT THAT SHE IS USING YOU! If you can’t be nice then don’t say anything at all. You don’t even come inside the school in the morning so how the heck do you know where I sit? You don’t know where I hangout, and saying I’m not sitting at the time just because I was being dragged around, That doesn’t make any sense, just because I’m not sitting there at the moment doesn’t mean I don’t sit there. I told everyone, even Nate not to have him and his friends sit there because thats my spot. I. don’t. want. her. in. my. spot. THAT IS MY PITY CORNER.! Not her’s! I don’t want to see her anywhere near my stuff, That’s my happiness.”
“By the way, I’m so mad about this! It’s like when you are really upset people don't seem to care, but when your in a good mood for once, everyone thinks your upset, sad, mad, and it's like come on! My face just looks like that when I’m thinking… I only got mad about the whole "Josie in my spot thing." I don’t even want anyone to sit by me when I’m sitting there. I’m just a complete loner.. I hate people at this point. I just want to have no one for friends at this terrible school. when Cassie leaves I’m done. I’m sitting by myself, I’ll keep to myself, I’ll be the old me. the one everyone hates, but I don’t care anymore at this point.”
[center [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YthChN1Wq8M
[center [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AOV2c0TiPpI]]
[center [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hQyzEyIf7P0]]
[center [size10 [i "This music makes me love the taste of my senses and makes me sit and think straight, when I’m having a hard time, I just chill and sit back and think how great it is to be alive when this exists. Even the old blues, it gets me for thoughts of the one I lost, my heart never wants to stop beating hearing this tone through my head, I don’t even care that my ears hurt because of my headphones not fitting. when this is playing I can breathe. when this is playing it takes me back to the good old days, and it just puts me in a great mood, I never want this feeling to go away. "
[center [pic https://68.media.tumblr.com/a8db99233f7084670d40ee25211d3f69/tumblr_mv9x2dnGK41slebs7o1_500.gif]][size10 [i "How much weight can a single person carry?" ]] [center [size10 [i "Bryan, I don't know how to explain this to you.. without crying as well, you just need to understand, that no matter how much she didn't understand you, she loved you. She wanted to be there for you at graduation, I know she promised.. But her fear of dying on that surgeon table, killed her instead... she didn't want to leave us... so she didn't have the heart surgery, she let her heart fail.. Me and you took care of her, and she repaid the favor.. I know she was like a mother to the both of us, I know mom never loved us, she beat us, she hated us, she stole from us, but you need to understand she was ill, she was fucked in the beginning. But me and you, were siblings, I'll never let you fall, I'll pick you up.. Bryan I loved you so much that I cried when I missed your birthday, the first birthday I wasn't there, and the last she was.. You called me that day, saying how much you loved your birthday cake and presents, And you were so happy to hear that I was coming home. Bryan I wouldn't miss it for the world, but I did, and I'm sorry that I did, my plane wasn't until a week later. I even begged Nana to help me buy a late present for you. It's been several important Holidays without her. "
"And I know it's been getting to you too, and sissy is right there with you, I'm going to be strong for you. Because I love you silly. And Kaylee loves you, Alex loves you, And Nana still loves you and she's watching over us, and don't think she's not going to be there when you walk the stage with your cap and gown on, she's going to be there, in your heart, she is going to be telling everyone in heaven that that's her grandson and that she is so proud of you. I wished she would of been with me until I graduated too, but I understand, but it's hard for you bubba.. I'm sorry mom took you out of school.. I'm sorry your dad was never there for you, I'm sorry that she is gone, I know the people who did us wrong can't apologize like I can to you all the time. But I wish they would, I'm sorry she broke her promise.. but Kaylee, Alex and I are going to be there for you little bro.. because unlike our other family members were not going to use you for your money.. We want you for you! Because your special! Because we love you! and we actually mean it!"
"People ask me would I ever wish you were born differently, and my answer is no, because disability or not, you're still you! You're still my bubba! You're my handsome older brother! You're Bryan! Not even the biggest amount of money offered to me would change that I love you! The real you, and it's okay to cry that she is gone, it's okay to miss her, it's okay, everything that your feeling is okay, just because she's not here physically doesn't me she's gone for good. She's there, the warm air in your room is her hugging you, when you think about her, she's holding your hand, when you cry she is there to wipe off your tears, when you feel like you look awesome and handsome one day that's her telling you that she loves you, she's always there. Don't you forget it."
[center [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDJOP16yNdY]]
[center [pic https://38.media.tumblr.com/726f3c9723f77c1583407bb8528040b7/tumblr_nbc5aqxGUH1rdjnzso1_500.gif]] [size10 [i "I have one last thing to say, and I'm off this topic for a while because it gives me heart ache."
[center [size10 [i "Here's the thing, I don't want to tell you this because I'm scared, but here it is, but it will be just in my journal and I will never tell a soul besides mostly the people who get on here and your not one of them. I think you know I like you still and I'm sorry? I'm sorry that you dragged out this relationship so long that I actually cared about you? I want to say, you give me pain, you made me want to start up old habits to cope with my pain, no more blades, no more blood, no more scars, I'm not doing it, I've been clean for half a year. and you see here's the thing, out of all the times I wanted to commit to my depression and say,
"Welp I don't want to live anymore~" there were never over a relationship. So what makes you think your worth the first time? I have problems that I need help with, but now I have no one, I HAVE FUCKING NO ONE! Cassie is leaving me, you left me and most your friends are always on your side because they think that your a good person and they think I'm a whore now.. because I actually have emotions and I don't hide that I'm a bitch because "I'm emo, I cut because I'm so sad, All I do it is whine." THAT WAS THE OLD ME. I changed when I came back, you know your the reason I hate my self image so much. I CHANGED FOR YOU, I stopped eating in middle school to be skinny for you, I dressed up for you, I wore make-up for you, I felt fat and ugly around you, and I still do... "
"You told me you were the best boyfriend I've ever had, tbh, all of my old relationship including your's was shit, just think about that first time we dated you broke up with me while I was still in the Hospital, THEY TOLD ME I WAS GOING TO DIE! But I see you don't care if I die, you would just love to watch me be lower in my grave wouldn't you? Tbh I would love to be in love with a fucking lamp at this point. at least the lamp let me be me, and will brighten up my life. I just I'm done."
[center [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G8y-WyBrNgQ]]
[center [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57WlGNXu2LA]]
[center [pic https://media.tenor.co/images/a1af26690f5896e1d61b92f6fe7ee1b2/raw]][size10 [i "I can't sleep after my third break-down and my second energy drink."
[center [size10 [i "Stop! Just shut up! Can't you see?! I'm losing my fucking mind... I won't give in, I'm too strong.. You keep telling me to look for no answer and go back to adding more scars to my body.. My arms, my thighs, my wrists, my ankles, my legs.... I was a good girl and shamed cutting, I even laughed about it... I even joked about suicide, But I was committed to both.. your just depression.. and I don't want to continue falling back into your arms. Your in my body, your my mind and it's all mind over matter, so lets change it up. Let's start with you! Just because he left me doesn't mean "cut for him." HE DOESN'T DESERVE TO BE REMEMBERED IN MY PAIN! I only did it because I was blaming myself.. I was always blaming myself... because she didn't like me.. I lost all of my friends... so I ran away from home... Even know I was with her, My outstanding sister.. I was still hurt... The names.. The hatred.. I just accepted it... and said it was my fault.. it was all my fault.. there still visible.. I'm pretty sure it's been seven months... when I first did it.. And it wasn't just one time.. No.. there was multiple occasions were I was led todo it.. and it was your fault you stupid illness... your the plague.. you spread across my body anytime you got. But no more. I look at my body and think why? Why did I do this to myself? These scars are ugly and beautiful because their a stupid lesson... I hate you depression go fuck yourself.."
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