[left [pic http://img003.picture2life.net/27133784/tumblr_static_5amd1hqhy2gw480c_web-large_medium.gif]] [center [size25 •s ᴇ ʟ ғ ᴘ ɪ ᴛ ʏ•]][center [size7 [i "To be honest, this store is out of business."
"You know, the store that feeds all of you with my burdens, I'm tired of being a problem for everyone. I think I just lost myself, in the midst of the non-sense nine times out of ten."
"You hate yourself because you ran from the people who you loved and you'll hold on to the past because you miss what it was. You don't want to feel, so you try to numb the pain with those drugs. Living in hell, because you lost faith in the place up above. You'll never speak the truth so what's the point of fighting you?"
"I'm living in a world so fake, I lost touch of the real me. I had to take a look back, just to ask me if I'm still me and would I still stand for this if they wanted to kill me? I can't take it no more, I just couldn't. I can't smile like I'm okay, I just can't fake it and I'm sorry? I can't act like I've been happy and complacent with everyone on here. Because every time I try to change, it is the same as before and Mama, always told me "this ain't a way to live."
"But, when you feel what I'm feeling that's just the way it is. I'm trying not to break down but I just can't hide this pain, saw myself in the mirror and I'm just not the same. But who's to blame? I guess we all change. My big change is leaving this god forsaken site for once and for all."
"Maybe you'll finally be happy without me. You seemed like you were always happy without me anyways."
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[center [size10 "I'm scared of telling you about my feelings, I want to hide from you, I'm sorry. I can't face you.. You were one of the best things in my life and I made you let me go because I hate myself... And I felt like I was annoying you and bothering you.. You can tell me that it's not true but my brain will never believe it... I'm too shy, too awkward... Too me.. I wore a face around you and I'm sorry.. But I'm kinda glad me and you are still friends and I'm sorry we don't talk much... "
[size10 "[u You call me out of my slumber.]"]
[center [size10 I'm tired of being EliteSkills' headliner, every day. "Extra, extra! Read all about it! Tally complains about wanting her sister back! Sister has yet to say anything!" Well, here is what I have to say:
Alex and Jennifer are far from controlling. They are the best mothers that someone could ask for. You are the bad parent. You are the controlling one. I specifically remember you getting on my accounts and blocking people out that you didn't like. You would force me to break up with people that you didn't like. You wouldn't allow me to talk to anyone online, because you were afraid that I couldn't keep up with your facade. You, even, forced me to smoke weed and get wasted with you! I never wanted to do any of the things that you thought I wanted to do, because I wasn't who you thought I was. You painted this picture of the perfect sister, and I struggled to fit my odd shaped puzzle piece into it, but I never could. Every time that I failed to do what you wanted me to do, you would yell at me and I would yell back, then you would shove me, push me into things, slap me, or threaten to sit on me. Those days felt like I lived on an isolated island with a hurricane hitting the beach for hours on end. And on the calm days, when the ocean was barely making waves, you would use me as your security blanket. The person that you would come cry to, and I would wipe your tears away.
I understand your wording "security blanket" now. You used me, only to make yourself happy. I was your doll. Your little plaything. You used me until you grew up and you had someone else to play with, then you threw me back into your toy box. I waited there in the darkness. You had thrown me away. I'm not mad.. I'm just disappointed that I tried to give my life to you, and in the end, you tell me to go die? Dear sister, I will never blame you for anything that has been put on my body.. But truth be told, when you grew too old for me, and you said that Dylan was your new playmate and he was the only toy that you needed, I wanted to kill myself for you. I stopped cutting about two months ago, but when I did it, I did it to make you notice me. I wanted you to care for me. To pick me up and dust me off, say that you only needed me. But you didn't. You got mad at me, you hit me, and you shunned me. I was no longer your sister. But whenever Atorie did the same thing, you gave up your life for him. He got babied, while I had to grow up.
And if I gained the attention of your playmates.. You would get jealous. You would forbid me to talk to them, because you did not want them to speak to me as a friend, for you feared that they would run to me and ask me to be their playmate. And if I got in the way of your playtime, then you would punish me.
Don't you think that is controlling, dear sister? I was told what I was, and that was the only gender I could be. I was told what my name was, and that was the only name I could have. I was told what my religion was, and that was the only religion I could have. I was told who my friends were, and these were the only friends that I was allowed. My opinions were your opinions, never my own. You would have never accepted your childhood toy for what it really was. Your doll was a defect. Something that you wished that you could send back to the factory, and get a new, more perfect version of. That's all you ever wanted to do. Replace me. You never loved me for who I was. You love me for who you thought you could make me into.
I loved you, dear sister, but you never loved yourself. You would tear yourself apart, because you let your new playmates tell you that you were defective. I wanna quote Coma Baby by Nicole Dollanganger: "Coma baby, with your sick head. The doctors saved you, but you're still dead. Through your scalp, I would like to reach in. So I could pull out, the monster you've been. But you would do anything to, destroy the body that they rescued, your sick little head, so brain damaged, and lying in that hospital bed. Lately I can't recognize you, the doctors lied when they saved they saved you. You're just the shell of the girl that you've been, and you're dying, I can feel it." Because you cannot face the truth, that you are not defective, the world is. The only defect that you have, is that you don't know what love is, and I fear that you never will. You push away everyone that does love you, and manipulate those who are close to you. I'm tired of being left in your dollhouse, Miss Puppet Master, and I'm here to take a stand for the ones that are being misled by you.
We are not the ones that slander your name, but you are the one slandering ours. Keep our names out of your filthy mouth. No, I am not dating Alex, because that's my mom. You're sick and twisted for even considering that. I want you to get help, because you sound like you are loosing your mind, living in a fantasy world where you are never wrong. But keep digging your hole deeper, the more that you ruin my life, the longer I will not be in yours. I'm not going to be standing there with a shovel to help dig you out, and I would throw you down a rope, but I'm afraid that you will break it, because you probably want to take all your problems with you. You've taken everything away from me, even my brother, so I'm not afraid to lose you, too. And it's pretty sad that your last resort is turning all of your friends into scapegoats. I've been holding my tongue for so long, but you need to cough up some cash for the check that your mouth wrote, and that check is written out to reality.
And I'm sorry that I'm probably "stepping out of line". I figured the nice act wasn't working as well as pouring a glass of ice down your pants. You know, like the many, many times that you've done the same to me? I guess you lost grip of that pitcher.
I've told you before, and I will say it, again: Just forget about me. I'm not worth remembering. We came to a fork in the road, and it's time that we agreed to go our separate ways, dear sister.
[size10 [u •Thinking of her• ]]
[center [size10 "So I had a thought about my mom, and how I could never forgive her, then I remembered that I never had a dad and how I never wanted to meet him. When I was little I was so naive, I thought everything was all sunshine and rainbows, and every broken heart could just be bandaged up and it be okay.. I know now the scars are to deep to ever forgive and forget. Missing is different from forgiving, you can miss someone all you want, but deep down in your heart you never truly forgive them.. never truly trust them.. There are people that want me to make up with "her". To those people, you all make it sound so easy. You make it sound like everything can go back to the way it was... That everything can be fixed over a glass of milk and a plate of cookies. I really wish that were the case. But, a person in my life once told me that you never seen the red flags through rose-colored glasses. And they right. I step back now, and I see all of the red flags between us. Our relationship was unhealthy.. It was so unhealthy that I fear that no one could ever find a cure.. "
"I just really wish you just forget about me, and move with your life.. You can't take care of me forever. I want to grow up, maybe start my own family and my own life,. This would be different if I was disabled, but I'm not. I can live on my own, that's my choice.. I've made these choices for myself, and you find it so hard to believe, that you have to blame everyone around me for my choices. And I just think that's unfair.. But when is life ever fair? I guess it goes to show, that we don't know each other.. That we were strangers living under the same roof.. We're going down a road that has a fork in it, let's agree to disagree and take our own separate paths. I think that this is for everyone's best interest."
"Turn my back to the door, Feel so much better now. Don't even try anymore, Nothing left to lose. There's a voice that's in the air. Saying don't look back nowhere. There's a voice that's always there, And I'll never be quite the same as I was before this. Part of you still remains, though it's out of focus. You're just somewhere that I've been. And I won't go back again, You're just somewhere that I've been. Breathing in, breathing out, Ain't that what it's all about? Living life crazy loud, Like a girl's supposed to. No more words in my mouth, Nothing left to figure out.I don't think I'll ever undo, The scar tissue. That's the way I feel tonight, I can't just press delete. Expect the world to make it right, I know that no can do. Got to let the pain just hurt. Try to live and let it burn, Follow, watch the world keep turning. Yeah, and I'll never be like I was, the day I met you. Too naive, yes I was, that's why I let you in. Wear your memory like a stain. Can't erase or numb my pain, Here to stay with me forever. Breathing in, breathing out, Ain't that what it's all about? Living life crazy loud, Like a girl's supposed to. No more words in my mouth, Nothing left to figure out.I don't think I'll ever undo, The scar tissue. One of these days I'll wake up from this bad dream I'm dreaming. One of these days I'll pray that I'll be over, over, over you. One of these days I'll realize, that I'm so tired of feeling confused. But for now, there's a reason that you're still here in my heart. Breathing in, breathing out, Ain't that what it's all about? Living life crazy loud, Like a girl's supposed to. No more words in my mouth, Nothing left to figure out.I don't think I'll ever undo, The scar tissue."
[size10 [u •Nobody thinks what I think.•]]
[center [size10 "I am emotionally exhausted. I want to stop thinking about all this. It's draining.. I want to move on.. But I can't.. I get so upset when you say those things.. I get upset when anyone says them.. I have more to accomplish in life.. It's my senior year, and I'm not sure if I can do it... I have plenty of people who believe in me though. I wish you could of been one of them.. I'm not sure what's going on with you... But I hope that everything works out for you in the end.. I don't understand adults, I don't understand people in general. Sometimes I wish things could go to the way it was, but I know this path I'm on is better for me.. Maybe it is better for you too... Since you don't have to worry about a kid like me.... Now you can have your childhood back... We all know that you grew up too fast. I'm sorry for everything. I know that you have memories problems, and I know it won't be fast... But I hope that some day, you can remember what happened. But I want you to try your hardest to remember these words: No matter how many times that you fall down and scrap your knees, I want you to try your hardest to pick yourself back up for yourself, for the people that care for you, because deep down you know that people do... Especially me. Because I love you, and I want to make sure your safe...
[size10 [u "What can I say that I already haven't?" ]] [Center [size10 "I want to personally thank you for you taking your time out of your day to talk to me, it was a nice chit chat we had. I just can't help to blame myself, I know it's not my fault now though, thanks to you. I'm not really good of telling my feeling to anyone, I mostly like to keep to myself, and I do somewhat apologize personally because you got mixed up in this huge mess. You seem very sweet and that's pretty hard to come by. I should know since I'm a high schooler surrounded by the most meanest kids in my small little town. Just.. I'm sorry all I can do at this point is thank you dearly, but sadly that's all I want to say to you.. I don't have any further words to say, I'm just shaking because I'm so thankful someone talk to me at this point.. And actually listen to me. Only a few did, and I'm so grateful people want to hear me for once in my life. I feel like people actually care about me in all of my years on this earth. I thought since I didn't have a mom, I didn't have a dad, I don't have a grandmother anymore, I don't have my siblings anymore, that I had no meaning to go on, but I feel like climbing up those stairs in confidence.. I'm going to make it I'm sure of it. I'm so very thankful. Thank you so much.
[size10 [u "Liars. Liars everywhere."]]
[Center [size10 "No one exactly calls you honey when you're sitting on a throne. It's been hard, it really has. I try to act happy on the outside but in the inside I'm slowly breaking.. Why do you pull this longer then it needs to be, these conspiracies, these theories, I would never backstab you, just... why can't you remember, or stop acting for five seconds that you don't remember atleast, please give me some closure. I remember, and I'm not a good liar.. I wish it could of ended differetly, I want a sister I want a brother.. And now I just have nothing, I didn't get to have either of my siblings on my birthday.. I promise I would of been strong for the both of you, but I gave up I cry myself asleep that night missing my family. I tried to play it cool, I broke everytime I saw the blood, why would you want to die if you had me.. did you not like me anymore? was.. I no longer you security blanket.. what did I do wrong.. I'm sorry, that day you weren't happy being left alone.. but I remember the barrel of that gun like it was yesterday, silver surrounding the dark black hole of the abyss ready to fire. I've been trying to forgive you, but I can't. You sent him away with a man who we just found out that isn't even his real father. He is a New York deadbeat liar. You promised if anything happened you wouldn't separate him and I.. But you did and now we will never see him ever again and it's your fault and I just can't forgive you for that. He needed us and you sold him like a donkey on the black market. You lied to me, you broke your promises too.
[center [size10 I push people away, I finally snapped and locked myself in the bathroom and yelled at Alex.. Were fine now.. but because I’m so depressed it makes me see things about myself that I don’t want to see and I’m scared for my safety.. I don’t trust myself. I know this sounds crazy but my mind didn’t clicked and I was digging in the bathroom trashcan trying to find.. something.. but I remembered I threw them away in the kitchen trashcan and the trash bag is long gone. I’m glad I didn’t find them.. Because I had a vision that I cut my throat open with a razor.. I don’t want to die. I want to be happy for real… I want to live.. but how can I live like this, my mind is telling me, “How does death feel?” “What’s on the other side?” But… I DON’T WANT TO KNOW. “
"The only way I'm thinking straight is when I'm locked in my mind in the shower, or if I'm typing how I feel.. I can't get the words out, if I do I'm scared of what people will say about me and I don't want them to worry about me either. I hate this feeling it comes once in a blue moon, I'm.. loved.. I love my home, I love my make sift family.. I love my bed, I love how I look, I love how I'm getting better with things.. but.. Why do I feel like this, why was I cursed with this stupid depression that I can't control.. I want to be sane.. I want to be.. me.. I don’t want to die.. I want to live.. I want to be okay. I want someone to tell me that I’m okay and that there is nothing wrong with me… "
"I wish I had the control over my mind as It has control over my body. It's broken I think, I don't work.. I don't work at all.. I don't feel a damn thing at this point. I asked myself today, how many pills would I have to take for it to make me feel completely numb... head to toe.. I would never say that.. I’ve done it before so I should know.. I think it's because I can't save anyone.. I couldn't save her.. Now she's gone.. I couldn't even save him.. Now he's mad or upset everyday. She wouldn't listen to me and now she is dating him again and I know he is going to hurt her again.. I couldn't change her mind... I'm useless.. I'm no hero.. But I want to be.."
[size10 [b "I want to matter for once... is that to hard to ask for?" ] ]
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[center [size10 [i "This music makes me love the taste of my senses and makes me sit and think straight, when I’m having a hard time, I just chill and sit back and think how great it is to be alive when this exists. Even the old blues, it gets me for thoughts of the one I lost, my heart never wants to stop beating hearing this tone through my head, I don’t even care that my ears hurt because of my headphones not fitting. when this is playing I can breathe. when this is playing it takes me back to the good old days, and it just puts me in a great mood, I never want this feeling to go away. "
[size10 [i "How much weight can a single person carry?" ]] [center [size10 [i "Bryan, I don't know how to explain this to you.. without crying as well, you just need to understand, that no matter how much she didn't understand you, she loved you. She wanted to be there for you at graduation, I know she promised.. But her fear of dying on that surgeon table, killed her instead... she didn't want to leave us... so she didn't have the heart surgery, she let her heart fail.. Me and you took care of her, and she repaid the favor.. I know she was like a mother to the both of us, I know mom never loved us, she beat us, she hated us, she stole from us, but you need to understand she was ill, she was fucked in the beginning. But me and you, were siblings, I'll never let you fall, I'll pick you up.. Bryan I loved you so much that I cried when I missed your birthday, the first birthday I wasn't there, and the last she was.. You called me that day, saying how much you loved your birthday cake and presents, And you were so happy to hear that I was coming home. Bryan I wouldn't miss it for the world, but I did, and I'm sorry that I did, my plane wasn't until a week later. I even begged Nana to help me buy a late present for you. It's been several important Holidays without her. "
"And I know it's been getting to you too, and sissy is right there with you, I'm going to be strong for you. Because I love you silly. And Kaylee loves you, Alex loves you, And Nana still loves you and she's watching over us, and don't think she's not going to be there when you walk the stage with your cap and gown on, she's going to be there, in your heart, she is going to be telling everyone in heaven that that's her grandson and that she is so proud of you. I wished she would of been with me until I graduated too, but I understand, but it's hard for you bubba.. I'm sorry mom took you out of school.. I'm sorry your dad was never there for you, I'm sorry that she is gone, I know the people who did us wrong can't apologize like I can to you all the time. But I wish they would, I'm sorry she broke her promise.. but Alex and I are going to be there for you little bro.. because unlike our other family members were not going to use you for your money.. We want you for you! Because your special! Because we love you! and we actually mean it!"
"People ask me would I ever wish you were born differently, and my answer is no, because disability or not, you're still you! You're still my bubba! You're my handsome older brother! You're Bryan! Not even the biggest amount of money offered to me would change that I love you! The real you, and it's okay to cry that she is gone, it's okay to miss her, it's okay, everything that your feeling is okay, just because she's not here physically doesn't me she's gone for good. She's there, the warm air in your room is her hugging you, when you think about her, she's holding your hand, when you cry she is there to wipe off your tears, when you feel like you look awesome and handsome one day that's her telling you that she loves you, she's always there. Don't you forget it."
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