.:Looking Into the Shattered Glass:.

/ By -Mirror- [+Watch]

Replies: 132 / 3 years 186 days 23 hours 51 minutes 10 seconds

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[center [font "Courier New" Just a little journal.]]
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[font 'Courier New' So, I'm starting the process of getting a diagnosis for possible, if not likely, Asperger's. It's been on my mind a lot lately and I finally got to settle that down.]

[font 'Courier New' I've researched the condition and I relate to all the traits. I think it is very much worth it to get it checked out. If I do come up Asperger's, I could possibly get disability or even SSI since what I'm dealing with impacts my life enough that working would cause more problems than not. I'm not only extremely bad with being social but it give me damn near panic attacks. Doesn't help that I'm claustrophobic and I hate being touched. Plus I seem to have issues with communicating without making an ass of myself. Definitely need to see what's going on with my head.]

[font 'Courier New' Hopefully things go over smoothly. I really need to figure this out.]
  -Mirror- / 33d 12h 52m 13s

  -Mirror- / 33d 12h 52m 30s
[font 'Courier New' If I made a startup fundraiser to help raise just enough funds to get enough things to start making some soaps, would anyone even want to donate to it?]

[font 'Courier New' Probably not.]

[font 'Courier New' I'm just a nobody that no one cares about so why would anyone want to donate to someone that doesn't even have a marketing plan. Hell what kind of a thanks would I give to the donors? A bar of my first batch of soap? A personalized thank you letter? Some other gift?]

[font 'Courier New' Really not thinking this through at all.]
  -Mirror- / 48d 19h 28m 59s
[font 'Courier New' I'm done with trying.]

[font 'Courier New' I'm done with getting my hopes up.]

[font 'Courier New' I'm done with being creative.]

[font 'Courier New' I'm gonna just crush the last of my creativity right here and right now so I never have to worry about wanting to make things again.]

[font 'Courier New' It's all I want to do is make things. Creativity is a HUGE part of who I am. Working with my hands. Creating cool and interesting things. Designing things as I go along. It's all I want to do.]

[font 'Courier New' I wanted to make slime but that never went anywhere because no one supported me. No one encouraged me. I had so many ideas and designs made up and for what? Nothing. I put in all that effort and no one cared. So I gave up.]

[font 'Courier New' Now I want to make soap. Something people can actually use. Something that's actually needed. But I'm putting a stop to it before it grows into anything significant. Because even my mom won't support the idea. What makes me think anyone else will give a rats ass about it? Or me for that matter? I can't even get my snake breeding thing off the ground.]

[font 'Courier New' I might as well just give up entirely on being creative. Toss out all my craft stuff. And never do another craft again. Hell, my writing isn't all that great anymore. I'm flopping in that too. My creativity is dying and leaving a hole as black and empty as a black hole. Just a void of darkness where a beautiful light used to be. Might as well just call that my soul.]
  -Mirror- / 51d 21h 53m 13s
[font 'Courier New' I feel invisible.]

[font 'Courier New' I've discovered a new craft that I'm fascinated with and I'm crushing any hope of ever getting anywhere with the idea now. Why? Because I know no one will support me for more than a moment.]

[font 'Courier New' It happens every time I get excited about doing something. I find a new craft and start doing stuff and I talk about it with people and then all of the sudden it's like I've never mentioned it. It's like it went in one ear and then out the other. Like they didn't care. Happens ever. Single. Time. Even with family.]

[font 'Courier New' The new craft I found is soap making. It looks fun and you end up with a usable product that also looks really cool. It's a multi-use product that actually serves a purpose. It's soap. Despite that, I'm crushing every ounce of hope of even trying to make any soap before I get too deep because I know it will only end up in the same bin as ever other craft I've wasted money on trying and then lost interest in because no one else cared enough to keep nudging me onward.]

[font 'Courier New' I have my snake breeding thing but that's because I've been nudged on with it. I've been continuously encouraged by big name breeders who are simply amazing and so kind. I've kept the passion so alive because of that. But I can't have just that. I'm missing a piece of who I am as a person. I'm missing the ability to craft and make things because that is what I love doing as well. Being creative is a big part of what makes me me and I have a big hole where that part is missing a big chunk. And a big part of that is because no one is encouraging me to fill that vast void. Not even family. Not even friends. If they do, it feels as if they are only doing it out of politeness and they really don't care.]

[font 'Courier New' Animals are only part of me. Creativity completes me. Unfortunately, I will likely never be complete.]
  -Mirror- / 54d 9h 25m 1s
[font 'Courier New' I am kicking myself for watching baby bird feeding videos. The more I watch, the more I want time to speed up so I can have my little JoJo in my hands. The videos are mostly other bird species but it's the same concept: messy, squawky, wobbly, so ugly it's cute baby birds gulping down food like they haven't eaten all day. It's so cute and I want that experience yesterday.]

[font 'Courier New' I've been preparing though. I've got a box full of stuff for JoJo. Baby food, bowls, heat pad, bedding, food container, and various other items needed for the little guy for his/her baby stages and as they grow into an adult. I have adult food in mind, treats in mind, a list of fresh foods to give and everything else I need to properly care for little JoJo.]

[font 'Courier New' Now it's just waiting another two weeks till the youngster arrives. Ugh.]
  -Mirror- / 86d 19h 21m 3s
[font 'Courier New' Time can't move fast enough. In fact, it's slowed down. Just a couple days ago I bought a new little friend but sadly, they won't arrive for another couple weeks. Ugh.]

[font 'Courier New' Yeah. I got another critter. But this one is one I've been wanting since I saw them last year. I got me a Quaker Parrot. His/Her name will be JoJo. Gonna have to be hand fed for a while but that's fine. Once the little guy gets here and after some time of getting used to feeding and new surroundings I might introduce my little Budgie to them. I've read Quakers and Budgies often get along well outside of their cage so maybe the two will become friends. Of course I will keep a close eye on everything and the baby won't be spending more than a few moments with Sweetie Budgie if she takes to the little guy at all. I'm going to have the baby focus on me for the most part so the little guy knows who mama is.]

[font 'Courier New' I'm excited though. I'm looking up all sorts of stuff I can make for when JoJo is ready for solid food. Found something called birdie bread that's easy to make and full of good stuff to nibble on. Maybe Sweetie will get in on it. We'll see. Gotta get little JoJo home first.]
  -Mirror- / 89d 14h 11m 26s
[font 'Courier New' I'm starting to think on something. Started doing some research on the topic and it's relatable. Maybe I have Asperger's. Maybe that's why I struggle so much with making friends, keeping friends, functioning in social situations and communicating normally with people outside of typing. It would explain a lot.]

[font 'Courier New' I'm not saying I have it. I would go through the entire process of testing and what not. But it just makes sense to me right now. After what happened yesterday and after dealing with so many other similar situations with friends, family and strangers alike, I realized there HAS to be something more wrong with me than just anxiety. There has to be something else going on that turns me into a fuck up when it comes to being social and failing to make friends.]

[font 'Courier New' I know it's nowhere near definitive and I need to see a doctor about it but I found some quizzes that give you a look into the possibility of Asperger's. The ones I took came up with results that I possibly or likely have it. Didn't surprise me. But I have a doctors appointment coming up at the end of May so I'll talk to him about it. Not going to tell my mom about it since this is something I want to keep quiet for now until I can figure out what I need to do and where I need to go.]

[font 'Courier New' If Ii truly do have Asperger's, then it would explain my entire life. My school life. My lack of friends and lack of ability to make and keep them. My awkwardness with social situations. My distaste for being around others. My higher than average intelligence and insane creativity. It would explain it all in such crystal clear clarity.]

[font 'Courier New' To think I'd be finding this shit out at my age. Fuck me sideways. Or not, rather.]
  -Mirror- / 103d 2h 59m 14s
[font 'Courier New' If you have friends with sever social anxiety like me, don;t fucking throw them under the bus with underhanded statements that calls them out on their behavior. It can ruin a lot of things for them.]

[font 'Courier New' I just had one of my so called 'friends' throw me under the bus with such a statement that ruined every chance of me ever doing voice chats again with people I wouldn't have minded chatting with. I was tossed under the bus and ran over and simply left for dead. I don't even want to voice chat with the people that ACTUALLY care about me anymore. I don't want to risk getting run over again. My anxiety is bad enough as it is. This just made it worse.]

[font 'Courier New' So thank you, thou-who-shall-not-be-named. I'm in tears, panicking, and now never going to do voice chats again thanks to you. You solidified my already bad enough fear of socializing. I don;'t care if you might die from the virus. You already killed me.]

[font 'Courier New' I can only hope that people move with me on this and not against me. That they understand me and my issue and flow with me down the river and now try to go against the current. I'm more terrified to talk to people now than I have been before.]

[font 'Courier New' Social life? What social life?]
  -Mirror- / 103d 17h 15m 1s
[font 'Courier New' Been a bit since I posted in here. Should keep up with this I guess. Been a hectic week. My big boa girl is sick. Respiratory infection. Took her to the vet a couple days ago and got her on antibiotics. However, they didn't have the right stuff and had to order it. Won't be in till tomorrow. In the mean time, they gave her some other stuff to get her started so she can start fighting off the bug. I have to give her an injection today which will be the first time I have to give a shot to any animal. It's simple but still. Gonna be an interesting 4 weeks.]

[font 'Courier New' I got a surprise from my bird yesterday. She laid an egg. She legit laid a freaking egg. At least I know for a fact she's a she now. Still can't get over it. An egg. A tiny little egg. Jeez.]
  -Mirror- / 153d 19h 56m 51s
[font 'Courier New' Paired up another girl for this breeding season last night and got a lock this morning. Been locked up all day and will probably be locked for another day at least. This clutch is going to be a lovely one since there will be beautiful Blue Eyed Leusistics with this pairing. The boy has produced babies before so I know what he can do. And my girl is gorgeous so her babies will be absolute stunners. Can't wait to see how she does.]

[font 'Courier New' Meanwhile, I've been working on the facebook page to give us an official name. Got the name but the page is still incomplete. I'm being slow with it it seems. Ugh.]

[font 'Courier New' The boas are doing great. They both shed and they eat great. The girl I decided to name Chika since that's what I keep calling her. She is by far the coolest snake I have ever had. She is attached to me, I swear. I take her out and she will not leave my side. Try to take her off me and she gets upset about it and starts coiling up around me all over the place. She loves me. And they say snakes don't have the capacity for emotion. I say bullshit on that. This big ol girl loves me and it's easy to see it by the way she reacts when I have her out. She's so docile and sweet. She's feisty when trying to get her back in her enclosure though. Love that big girl.]
  -Mirror- / 211d 8h 25m 17s
[font 'Courier New' The fuck did I just do?]

[font 'Courier New' What the actual fuck just happened?]

[font 'Courier New' I am apparently the owner of a breeding pair of True Colombian Redtail boas now.]

[font 'Courier New' Did I dun goof?]

[font 'Courier New' I mean, it shouldn't be a problem selling the babies if I breed them. Oh lawd. What did do?!]
  -Mirror- / 252d 9h 25m 57s
[font 'Courier New' It's been a long, grueling wait but it has not gone unrewarded.]

[font 'Courier New' Today, my very first clutch of snake eggs have officially begun to hatch.]

[font 'Courier New' All 5 eggs will bring forth a new life into this world and I'm so very proud that I have successfully helped create such beautiful life.]

[font 'Courier New' Mama snake has been such a good sport through the whole process. Never struck when I had to check temps and humidity levels. Never got aggressive when I checked the eggs. She may have hissed at me a couple times but she never struck or bit me. She took such wonderful care of her eggs and not a single one was lost. I'm so proud of her. And this is her very first clutch too. I love her so much.]

[font 'Courier New' It's going to be a busy afternoon now that the eggs are hatching. Can't wait for all of them to crawl out so I can really see their colors.]
  -Mirror- / 279d 9h 45m 23s
[font 'Courier New' Almost 50 days since the eggs were laid. Turns out the eggs have been cooking at the sweet spot temp. The eggs should be hatching sooner than originally expected. I was originally thinking it would take about an extra week but turns out things are right on track as they should be. Should be expecting babies possibly next week.]

[font 'Courier New' I'm so damn excited!]
  -Mirror- / 338d 15h 14m 5s
[font 'Courier New' It's been 6 and a half months and it finally happened.]

[font 'Courier New' My big girl has FINALLY laid eggs!]

[font 'Courier New' I'm so damn happy and excited that I can barely contain it. I've been waiting for this for so damn long. It looks like it's going to be a healthy 4-6 egg clutch and they are nice big eggs. I'm so proud! This snake has grown to be such a big beautiful girl and seeing her laying her very first clutch is my proudest moment as a snake mom. She'll incubate the eggs herself since I don't have an incubator and many breeders will let their snakes take care of their eggs with tremendous success.]

[font 'Courier New' Hatching time is expected to be sometime in September, give or take.]
  -Mirror- / 1y 23d 4h 26m 39s
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