.thє вunkєr.

/ By -UnbreakableBond [+Watch]

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[center [font "Segoe Print" This is a place for my personal thoughts. Do not comment unless I know you.]]

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[center [font "Segoe Print" I'm glad to have cleared the air between us. I feel more at peace now knowing it's been cleared. Now to work towards a brighter future and to becoming an even better friend than I am now. I'm not giving up, not yet. I know I can be the best me that I can be. And I'm going to work straight towards becoming that person. Going to try hard to be the girl that everyone can trust. It may not be easy but it most definitely will be worth it in the end.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" Tonight is the night. I have a business dinner and I'm scared out of my mind. Formal wear and fancy talk. K invited me but I also still panic that I'm not actually invited. I know I am but still. I want to sweat and scream and possibly puke. It'll be okay though, there aren't tons of people and Heidi leaves early for the kids. If she goes I'll just sneak out with her so that I'm not there until almost midnight. I go to bed at eleven and I work tomorrow so I can't be there all night long. I hope this goes well, I hope I make a good impression. I hope it doesn't end badly. Just need to breath and everything will be okay.]]
  sαlєm / -Ohana / 11h 54s
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[center [font "Segoe Print" So my birthday is tomorrow! I'm getting kind of excited. I'm going to be twenty three years old. I know it's nothing special but hopefully it will be a good day. Mom's making little smokie cassarole, and I get to skype with Riley when they go to puppy classes! So it should be fun. Not sure if we will order lunch at work or not since we have an all day meeting type thing going on. So the chances of that are probably pretty slim to none. But we will order it sometime this week I am sure of.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" I think he mistook what I was doing yesterday. I was trying to apologize to the friends on here that I've hurt. Well ex friends now, but regardless I was trying to apologize. I do feel horrible for what I did to them. I wish I hadn't of done it. I wish I had done things differently but I can't change that. I can only learn from it and become a better friend because of it. No more games, no more shit talking, none of it. We got a problem, we talk it out. I'm annoyed with someone? I tell them that something is up.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" I learned from what I did a year ago. I know it seems strange we all apologized at once but it's been weighing on my mind and I talked to the twins about it. They told me it was weighing heavily on their mind too. It just happened that we all posted it at around the same time. It was a coincidence nothing more than that really.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" I have a buisness dinner on Thursday with Woodford. I'm so nervous but H think's it's a good oppertunity for me. J is not thrilled because she didn't get to go for the first few years. I told H it was fine, mom wanted to take me out to dinner but she insisted. So I guess I am going. Luckily it's only like thirty people, half of whom I already know. So I don't have to be to incredibly nervous about it. Besides I do sell woodford products so it would be smart. Alright I am going to stop rambling now.]]
  ღღ / -Ohana / 3d 4h 2m 14s
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[center [font "Segoe Print" I'm just so grateful for the friends I have now. I am not entirely sure how I got so damn lucky with all of them, but somehow I did. I love them all to pieces and they mean more to me than life itself. They accept me, they love me, they work really hard with me to continue moving into a brighter future. They don't judge me for the mistakes I've made and the things I've done. They have helped me learn from them all and continue on. I'd be lost without them, completely and utterly lost. My heart overflows with love for all of them; new and old.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" And Riley? Where would I be without here. She is my rock to stand on when things get tough. She's the one I can lean on when things are sad and know that she will never judge me. She's my wifey, my best friend, my best friend soul mate. Let's face it if I was a lesbian we would probably have been dating this whole freaking time. She's one of the best friends a girl could ever freaking ask for and I love her to pieces.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" Than there are the twins. Tiff and Manny are there for me to. THey listen to me, they talk with me through things. THey remind me what's right and what's wrong. They encourage me to move forward happily in my future and I can't wait to meet them in August. It's going to be wonderful. <3 There are so many others I love and care for; Sissy, Ani, Sol, Muta, Apt, Aleks, Lora. These guys mean the freaking world to me. I'm so glad to have them. So yes, this is my sappy post.]]
  -Ohana / 4d 19h 14m 43s
[center [font "Segoe Print" Life is really starting to look up for me. Work is going amazing, I'm getting trusted with more and more stuff. It's the right track, hopefully, to getting on full time. I really hope so, health insurance and dental insurance would be nice. So would a one or two dollar raise, but I will take what I can get. My future is starting to look brighter and I couldn't be more happy. Sure I still struggle sometimes with depression but I've got a support system at home and at work to help me fight against it.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" I've also made amends with some people from my past. It feels nice to have fixed things and be working on our friendships. I'm so glad for my friends and I love them dearly with all of my heart. Even if in the past things weren't nice and nasty things where said, I regret doing those things. I regret being who I was in the past and I've set out to change. I think so far I've done a good job changing, and if I keep it up I'll get to where I want to be. I hate who I was, I hate who I hurt, and I regret what I did with every fiber of my being but I've learned from it.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" I'm trying to be wise and intelligent, warm and loving, open and honest. No more bottling things up and talking badly behind peoples backs. If I'm mad or upset, I go straight to them now. I'm working really hard on opening up and being open because how can you work through a problem if the person doesn't know there is one? So it's steps forward, maybe stumbling steps, but steps. Ones I'm willing to take to make everything much better for myself and others.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" It's also hard to believe I'll be twenty flippin' three on Tuesday. I feel kinda old even though I know I'm not. I get to skype with Riley, and I have to decide what kind of food I want. I don't want to do the usual, because I want to go to spaghetti works that weekend for my birthday dinner. So maybe I'll ask for little smokie casserole instead. It is one of my favorites and it tastes so freaking good I could cry. I love you wifey, I love you my friends. You all mean so very much to me.]]
  [ღ] / -Ohana / 7d 10h 54m 20s
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[center [font "Segoe Print" lkajdlfkjasdflkajsdf how stupid can one person be? I normally don't rant but omg. This lady is ridiculous. How many ways can we explain to you that the spread sheet is LOCKED. We can not edit it and the formula for the labor tax is wrong. Not only that but you are leaving at noon today. So S may have to wait for his quote sheet until tomorrow. If I can't unlock it I can't do anything or fix anything. I'm not giving him a sheet where their pricing is lower than what it should be. I'm just not. Nope. Nice try cutting yourself a break.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" Otherwise things are going good. I'm in charge of what I'm going to call project hotels. We are trying to find corporate rates for hotels so when our guys stay there, they can be comfortable. I've already checked one place and now I am working on the other one. Just waiting for an email back from Customer Relations. Though they said this could take me up to a week. I just need to check out GE for best western now and we will be good. It is nice knowing my idea is liked and appreciated.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" Though today I am getting plenty of work from S and R. My sister says they are testing me to see what I can do. I don't mind. If it leads to getting put on full time, getting insurance, and maybe a raise [s hopeful] that would be great. Even one or two dollars would make a world of difference for me. It would add another 300 dollars a month for me. Or so. If I could get to making 15 dollars an hour than I would be able to move out on my own. Hopefully consolidate on my own too.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" I just gotta keep working hard and do what I'm doing. It's the only thing that I can do. I just need to breath and relax, breath and relax. Probably not going to be able to get this storm lake thing done today. Just..can't. Not until ditzy queen sends me the correct, UNLOCKED, spreadsheet to do it.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" PS; Riley I love you to the moon and back. My friends I love you all dearly.]]
  -Ohana / 8d 8h 8m 17s
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[center [font "Segoe Print" So went and saw Beauty & The Beast yesterday. Dear god it was one of the best movies I've seen in a long ass time. I don't understand the whole anger over the 'gay' moment. Like it wasn't even that fucking long. Come on now people. Two seconds at the end where two men dance together. My one friend could barely even tell there was a gay moment. So..obviously ya'll are making a big deal over nothing with this movie. I would honestly go see it over and over again. It was so beautiful it made me cry.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" On another note went into work this morning with my hair dyed. Omg the reactions where hilarious but embarrassing. The first one to comment was J and she told me she thought it looked good and it was nicely done. Which made me smile. The second was our boss K and he was like "Whoa your hair is so bright." N came out of the service meeting and was like "Whoa your hair." XD The reactions where great but the best three where that I looked like the girl from Clifford, The Wendy's girl and I got attacked by the koolaid man.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" I love my hair though, as expensive as it was to get done, it was a lot cheaper than elsewhere. Plus it gave my brothers gf some experience and helping out her levels so she can advance forward. G told me that when her sister was in cosmetology school she got some interesting hair cuts from her. It's nice though it makes me feel good and it makes me feel pretty. Not with anyone telling me either, I just feel it for once in my life time.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" Yesterday was a nightmare, not only was it dad's death anniversary, mom and I got into it. With the same ol' same ol' that we don't help enough, that my room is a pig stye. I finally got it across to her that I need help boxing up some stuff to put in the storage room.That's why my room is messy. I also need a new bookcase to hold some of the stuff I don't have places for. I think we sorted it out though. I need to go through my clothes and see if Riley wants any for her baby sister. I don't need them and I'd rather give them to family.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" Mom told me I'm just like my dad that way. What made my day the best was skyping with Riley for an hour. Sure we mostly talked about my day and her day and being excited for the baby but it was worth it. I love getting to chat with her. We are aiming to do so again on my birthday. Her dad will be out of town for work and my brother/mom has puppy classes for Redd-Baby. So I figured that'd be a great time to do it. I don't know what to have mom make for my birthday dinner though, since I want Speggettie Works for our out to eat thing. >.<]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" PS; Riley I love you to the moon and back. <3 <3 <3]]
  αrαgí / -Ohana / 10d 10h 11s
[center [font "Segoe Print" I finally get to skype with Riley. <3 I missed this. We used to like, skype every day and than we didn't get to. :/ But that's probably because I got work and school and all that fun happy shit. It's nice to have you cheer me up after a bad day. </3 It's hard missing my dad and it helps to be able to talk to someone. It makes my mood better. I love you. <3]]
  síвlíngs / -Ohana / 10d 20h 37m 4s
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[center [font "Segoe Print" Today was a long day. Long and not so good. God it hurts. I miss him so much. He was my daddy, my world, my life. Now he's gone. I miss him beyond words. I love him beyond words. It's been twelve years and it's hard to believe. I miss him so so much. Daddy I hope your looking down on us and being proud. I really do. I miss you so much.]]
  -Ohana / 11d 2h 14m 5s
Sometimes the world seems against you
The journey may leave a scar
But scars can heal and reveal just
Where you are

The people you love will change you
The things you have learned will guide you
And nothing on Earth can silence
The quiet voice still inside you
And when that voice starts to whisper
Moana, you've come so far
Moana, listen
Do you know who you are?
-I am Moana, [u Moana]
  -Ohana / 14d 10h 50m 45s
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[center [font "Segoe Print" I'm so hyped up for this weekend because it's going to be awesome!!! I'm going to hang out with Kylie for awhile. Which will be so much fun. I haven't gotten to spend time with her in a bit and I love the moments that I get to. I'm going to a concert tomorrow night! I'm so ready for it. I convinced mom to make pasta too for dinner tomorrow night because I really have been dying for it so badly. Makes my tummy growl.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" Life is moving forward and I'm putting my past behind me. I'm working on myself and being a better me. I want to rebuild my friendship with Emily from the ground up. I want to be close like we used to be. She's like my sister and she means the world to me and I hope she knows that. I want to continue to grow my friendships with the twins, Ani & Jae. I want to grow my friendship with Riley even more as well. I'm tired of being in a depressive hole that I can not escape from. I'm tired of the anxiety and the fear twenty four seven.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" So I am going to work getting past that. I'm going to work on me. I need to heal myself and work hard at becoming better than who I was. I am sorry to those I hurt. I know what I did was wrong. I admit it. I'm not afraid to. I'm deeply and truly sorry for how I treated you, for the way I acted, for the person I was. I'm no longer that girl though. I will no longer be that girl, I refuse to allow myself to be. I'm working on being a better person and growing myself to the fullest potential.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" Starting today my sites are set on the future. Locked dead in with it and moving towards it. I'm going to work on my goals and try my hardest to get to them. Time is flying so fast and before I know it I'll be an aunt again, and than I'll blink and it'll be August with the twins visiting. I'll blink again and a year will have passed and Riley will be visiting me. Life's one hell of a roller-coaster but I'm going to do my best to ride it out. Here's to a bright future.]]
  -Ohana / 15d 9h 16m 56s
[center [font "Segoe Print" Going to get my hair done after work today, which I am excited for. Gonna get my eyebrows done too and get them looking nice. Then I'm going to dye my hair on Saturday, well get it dyed. I know it's not much but it does make me feel really good. It makes me feel pretty, which I don't often feel. Concert on Thursday with my mom and my cousins, I hope that it turns out to be fun. I don't spend a lot of time with C or her mom despite the fact that L is my cousin.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" Took Friday off but mom has it booked full. One animal to the vet in the morning, another to the vet in the afternoon. Appointment to get my grandma extra health care. Tomorrow is my brothers birthday and either Friday or Saturday we are going to celebrate it by going to the casino. It was my dad's favorite place to go. It's hard to believe he will of been gone for twelve years on Sunday. It seems like yesterday he went. It's harder to think that in April Aunt J will have been gone for a year. I remember what happened like it was yesterday.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" I thought hte worst thing was that I had failed my Art History exam. I was thinking of ways to fix the grade because the teacher put the wrong study guide up. I wanted to cry so badly. Then I saw my sister had called, at first I thought nothing of it. She was adopting my niece so I figured it was something about that. Except then my brother called. At first I thought he was talking about my other aunt who has been on a downhill spiral. Instead he was talking about her. I wanted to tell him to stop joking, that it wasn't funny. But it was real.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" I miss both of them each and every day. I want them back but I know I can't have them. IN a way though her death saved us. It mended our broken tattered family and brought it somewhat back together. It will never be the same again but at least..at least it's somewhat normal. That's all I can think of. I just need to power through these next few weeks, despite how much they hurt. I'll never stop missing them, or loving them.]]
  síвlíngs / -Ohana / 17d 3h 32m 38s
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[center [font "Segoe Print" Man has it been one hell of a week this week. Starting with my mom having a meltdown because her car broke down. Damn thing was going to cost more than the car itself to fix it. So she had to get a new one, which she didn't want to do. My nerves have been shot all week so I've probably been a little more distant and grumpy then I meant to be. Now we are playing refigure the bills and that's stressful as all hell. My grandma don't want to give any and actually help the family out so maybe we can have some spending money too. Rather than just her.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" These last few days I've woken up incredibly grumpy. So I've been holding back from talking to people to terribly much so I don't snap on them. I don't mean to be but everything is so damn stressful right now. And I don't want to take it out on other people. I just want everything to work itself out. I suppose we are just going to have to put it simple to my grandmother. She pays groceries or the directtv is getting shut off. I can't afford two weeks of groceries and directtv. I can but my mom doesn't think it's fair of me to have to take on more so my grandma can continue to live super comfortably.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" I can say the one thing that's gotten me through all of this is Riley. She listens to me bitch and babble without judgement. She reassures me I'm not being crazy or just a straight up bitch. Points out that I have reasons to feel the way that I do. She's my rock and she's been there for me through it all. I know I can go to the others but right now Tiff & Manny are dealing with their own issues and Ani doesn't need this while she's trying to get to graduation. Emmi's been sick so I don't want to stress her out either. I do love them all very much though.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" Also Riley; Since I know you also look in my journal. I love you so very much. I'd be lost without you. I honestly would. I don't know how I would survive the madness of everyday life if I didn't have you by my side.]]
  .|síвlíngs|. / -Ohana / 27d 10h 8m 28s
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[center [font "Segoe Print" So life is really good right now. I've got friends I adore, a job I love, things are going pretty damn good. I'm glad to be were I am at now. I no longer struggle mentally, not like I used to. My anxiety has lessened and my depression has nearly vanished. The sun is shining and life is good. I'm at a place in my life that I am totally happy with and I love it. I can't wait until August when the twins are going to come see me. Just got to get their mom to help them get the plane tickets. Next year Riley and I are going to meet in personal finally along with her little star.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" I've made things right with Emily which makes me feel wonderful. I don't care what a person says it's not fake to befriend someone again and move past your differences. It's called second chances and starting over again. One thing I think we learned this week, my friends and I, do NOT make assumptions. Assuming makes an ass out of you and me. So just don't do it. If you don't know the truth behind the circumstances or know how a person will react 100% don't assume, because really you don't know.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" In about a month I will be twenty three years old. IT seems weird to think, twenty three. I've been on this writing site since I just turned sixteen. God that feels like forever ago and so does high-school. In May I'll have been graduated for a year and in April..it will have been one year since my aunt was suddenly killed in a car accident. Life seems to be on the fast track forward and I only hope it continues to go up from here.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" Today we have lunch and a safety meeting. Our tech's are doing them since they work with tools and equipment. So today we are doing one that involves around the house safety and we will be involved in it. It should be fun but we also ordered lunch. I got the hotbeef sandwich special. I can't eat the whole thing but it feeds me for two freaking days. God I am so excited. I want August to get here now!]]
  -Ohana / 36d 7h 33m 25s
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[center [font "Segoe Print" I'm so excited. Everything seems to be falling into place in the world. Just last night I was scared to tell my girls that I was to broke to go to Disney. While I really wanted to go it was just to expensive for me to pull off. I felt awful being the one to back out because I hated when others did it to me. But it seems things are working out for the better.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" In six short months my sisters from another mister are coming to visit me. We have the hotel booked and everything. It's nerve wracking but exciting at the same time. We are going to hang out and hopefully have a lot of fun. There is plenty to do around here and we are going to go to the Iowa State Fair. I was so happy when they said they were really coming to visit, but nervous it may not happen. Seems all that was misplaced as they are, seriously, coming out here in August.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" Riley and I did some planning too. She'll be coming out here with Baby-K in September of next year. We picked out our hotel to reserve and stuff when it comes to be time. She's working on a few short stories to get published an doing everything in her power to make this happen. I'm going to start setting aside money myself in hopes that we can make this trip happen, we can make it work. I can finally meet my best friend and my nephew. <3 Life is going so good I don't know what to think.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" I've started talking to a guy on OKCupid too. He's really nice and I love talking to him. He asked me to meet him for dinner or drinks or something this weekend. I think, after talking to my mom about it tomorrow morning, I'm going to say yes. I'll see if he wants to meet me for coffee at caribou up at the gas station. It's not far and we can sit and talk for awhile in the coffee shop, so long as we don't park in the ten minute express parking section. I can get a feel of him. He may not be the one for me to date but I need to get back out there in the game. I need to start taking chances. Not every man is going to leave me like my daddy did. I can't let his death define my relationships with others.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" My tarot deck says that in my future there will be marriage or an engagement in my love life. So I will get married and stuff. I'm okay just living and hanging out with my girls for now. It seems I'm seriously convincing Ani to move out here too. Which is exciting. So in a few years I may be living with Tiff & Ani. Manny too if she decides to move out here. I'll have some of my closest friends in Iowa. Only thing missing is Riley and Sissy. <3 Well I'm going to stop rambling now though. It's time for me to get some rest.]]
  -UnbreakableBond / 42d 19h 55m 52s
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[center [font "Segoe Print" You know life seems right again now that I have my sissy back in my life. For the first time in what feels like ages, life is good. I'm happy, things are going great, and though they could fall apart I'm not afraid anymore. I don't feel like a looming darkness is standing over me anymore. Not since graduating from college and having my mom's cousin move out. I don't have to be afraid to go home anymore. No more fear of screaming and yelling and tantrums.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" I love my friends to pieces and I'm glad they are in my life. I don't know what I would do without them. The good and the bad times we go through them all but we lift each other up when it happens. Things are working out. I'm going to Disney with my ladies in August. In Sept of 2018 Riley and Baby-K are going to come and visit me. We set it up so we will visit one another every other year. I'm attempting to talk Ani into moving to Iowa and living with me. <3 Her and Tiffy both. Amanda too if she wants to/doesn't end up living with her girlfriend.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" Work is going good thus far. While it's moving slow I'm still learning and hey I can't complain. I love my job despite the fact it doesn't pay a ton of money. I figure I keep doing good and working hard maybe when they make me full time or whatever, they will give me a raise. Either way I do love my job. I've got bills figured out and I'm ahead of the game. Switched to Verizon because I loved the company when we had it before. My brother wants to switch but until he gets a better job he can't. I can't afford it if he can't pay his bill one month. I mean I probably could but still. Point is he has to be responsible.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" Ani also got me into tarot card readings. I am now doing those. I've got a deck whose name is Brian. He's pretty demanding and blunt but I love that about him. After really focusing and attuning myself to him, my readings have gotten more and more dead on. I feel a cool wind around me before I do them and during them. To me that's a sign of a spiritual presence there likely guiding me on through it all. I might try getting crystals at some point. Just cleansing ones and ones meant to take away your anxiety. Maybe it will help me.]]

[center [font "Segoe Print" Anyways I know I'm rambling on. I'm just so happy in my life right now. So happy with how things are going. Just gotta keep moving forward, learn to cope with my anxiety more, and talk to people more. Be more daring and bold. I feel more like I used to be then ever right now. For that I am grateful. I'm learning to let go of the past, move on and be happy. I can breath again.]]
  -UnbreakableBond / 49d 9h 19m 58s
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