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October 20th, 2018
2 weeks away from Rose's due date.
I'm gping to be a mom
It's barely sunk in.
Denny and I finally have our own place too.
June 13th, 2018
Find out the gender of my child in 9 hours
I am up late because... tbh I miss Precious
I hated that I relied on my.pet so much
I still don't feel better
I wish I was holding her
June 2nd, 2018 saturday
Precious was lost on Tuesday
I woke up and she was no where to be found
I called and looked for hours and hours
Put her favorite things outside where she could smell them
Someone hit her when she was only a few steps away from our yard
She was coming home to me
Her body was still warm when we buried her
They just hit her and kept driving
For the first couple days I kept finding pieces of her collar in the road in front of our house
I can't find her little bell though... and I will never hear it again.
I barely recognize myself in the mirror
It's not like when the hamster died
I feel like every little bit of joy in my life is gone
I keep dreaming about her and waking up in panic mode, crying
I want to be normal again
She isn't laying by the bed anymore, her petbed is gone
I don't hear her jingling bell when I call her to me
No big eyes in the dark followed by those bells at night
I don't fall asleep with her petting my face with her bushy tail
I can't bury my face in her floofy fur when Dennis is at work and I miss him
There's no sweet pretty little kitty waiting for me when I walk up to the house outside... I cry every time I walk up to this house or look at behind the shed where she used to come bolting for me when i called her name
I can't lift her leg and yell foot when she's grooming... and there's no rough tongue to groom and nibble on me when I pet her
She made any situation not so hard...
I woke up one morning to my Precious baby being gone. And she died trying to come home to me.
My face looks completely different to me
Im depressing Dennis because I can't stop crying
He is starting to break from it and I can't fix myself... I'm ruining everything now that I feel so incomplete
I feel no happiness... i don't even feel empty
I want to go back to Monday and just never leave her side
I want to be in my dream where she's with me and never wake up
Idk what to do
If I go outside, she's everywhere in that yard and the neighbors and the little ally where her grave is...
Dennis sobbed as he dug that grave and all I did was cling to her body
My sweet little Precious girl
Why don't people look out for pretty little kitties finding their way home when driving?? She was still only a kitten only a year old
She only wanted to come home to mama after being scared for 10+ hours
We celebrated her adoption birthday only a month ago
We keep finding her little floofballs everywhere
Dennis tried to rip the pages out of my notebook that would remind me of her so I could draw
But... he found her fur in the pages... he didn't realize that... she used to lay on my sketchbook and bite my pen every time I started drawing
I shared every little bit of my time and activities with her
I can't sleep without waking up aching... and I can barely even eat...
I just want to be normal again
[Center [size11 [b April 17th, 2018]
11 weeks along, my morning sickness is kicking in hardcore.
Why did it take two hours to puke?
Why was there a giant chunk in it?
Like for real it looked like I chewed 3 pieces of white gum and swallowed it.
I'M ALREADY READY TO PUSH OUT THIS CHILD FUCK
[Center Feb. 27, 2018
Annnnd I am PREGNANT!
dont worry, my "fun" didnt hurt it.
Due in Oct/Nov... i am so hyped.]
[Center February 24th, 2018
Shrooms. Psych. 7pm ate the caps, didnt start frying until i played soul Calibur with Johnny. Can say it was a huge eye opening experience, I even had a lotus flower crystal for focus if i hallucinated... only saw inverted rainbows in the shadows tho. Plus i was FRYING BALLS SO IT WAS SO FUCKING FUN. GREAT TRIP.
[Center [pic https://78.media.tumblr.com/c296177f9bc4d07eb8bfb237a90a3d41/tumblr_oh5eng9Veg1ufwz7eo4_540.gif]]
[Center Jan. 30th, 2018
I will not give up. I will grind harder.
Pay debts. Be a teacher.
Year from now I will be normal.
Psych meds make me too drowsy.
Nov 24 2017
Things looking up-down.
That's ok I guess
(Center As of next week Midnight and Precious will officially be my companion/therapy animals! My therapist really is the true MVP thank you Todd.
[Center [size10 idk checklist of desires and actual needs
- get vet for Midnight & Precious (500$)
- couch/coffee table/bookshelf
- get therapy animal forms from office next appointment
- 100$ left to hospitals
- 800$ to dentist
- 30 (300$) to phone
- 400$ left for car debt
[center [size10 my doctors are really nice and understanding. They're helping me with my mental issues. Everything's gonna be ok.
I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die
[center I. Want. To. Die.
But I'm too afraid to kill myself.
[size10 May 4th, 2017
/ 1y 262d 19h 25m 30s
[center [font "MS GOTHIC" March 25, 2017
Went to the ER the other night
According to the doctors my anxiety is causing a lack of appetite which led into malnutrition and my GI getting all fucked up. My stress levels are too high and they said I need to be more social and go outside more often if I want to get better. They've also referred me to two psych clinics and if I have another panic attack I'm suppose to go stay overnight in the psych ward there. Apparently when I have panic attacks my heart rate jumps to dangerous levels and it's just a mess tbh.
But I have some meds and I'm going to follow every single doctors order I get. I'm determined to get better. I'm not going to die and I'm going to keep telling myself that until the day I can finally get solid food down without puking again. I had to quit my new caregiving job and go back to fast food in order to help fix it though.
Spend more time being social
Get at least 15 mins of natural sunlight daily
Don't sit around too much
Eat 4-5 meals a day until capable of eating decent portions
Don't lay down when sleeping, sleep sitting up
There's so much more too. I'm constantly anxious and my heartbeat rarely goes down to a normal rate
/ 1y 303d 11h 35m 50s
[center [size11 [font "MS Gothic" and fucking Dennis sweeps in from no where.
His as of March 15, 2017
I can't believe I fell for one of my best friends...
/ 1y 308d 18h 49m 35s
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