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Please just fucking kill me all I know how to do is fuck things up worse and worse and worse and worse
[center [size10 my doctors are really nice and understanding. They're helping me with my mental issues. Everything's gonna be ok.
I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die
[center I. Want. To. Die.
But I'm too afraid to kill myself.
[size10 May 4th, 2017
[center [font "MS GOTHIC" March 25, 2017
Went to the ER the other night
According to the doctors my anxiety is causing a lack of appetite which led into malnutrition and my GI getting all fucked up. My stress levels are too high and they said I need to be more social and go outside more often if I want to get better. They've also referred me to two psych clinics and if I have another panic attack I'm suppose to go stay overnight in the psych ward there. Apparently when I have panic attacks my heart rate jumps to dangerous levels and it's just a mess tbh.
But I have some meds and I'm going to follow every single doctors order I get. I'm determined to get better. I'm not going to die and I'm going to keep telling myself that until the day I can finally get solid food down without puking again. I had to quit my new caregiving job and go back to fast food in order to help fix it though.
Spend more time being social
Get at least 15 mins of natural sunlight daily
Don't sit around too much
Eat 4-5 meals a day until capable of eating decent portions
Don't lay down when sleeping, sleep sitting up
There's so much more too. I'm constantly anxious and my heartbeat rarely goes down to a normal rate
[center [size11 [font "MS Gothic" and fucking Dennis sweeps in from no where.
His as of March 15, 2017
I can't believe I fell for one of my best friends...
[center [size11 [font "MS GOTHIC" I don't even know what day it is it's all been a blur of fucking tears and pain. I normally date these but I just can't, thanks for treating me like I was absolutely nothing again. Don't act like it is turning into something if it isn't. I'm done with it ✌️
[center [size10 [font "MS GOTHIC" February 25, 2017
Why'd you do it J?
When we started it was suppose to only be business. Sex to relief the body nothing more we agreed that kissing and cuddling and hand holding was for people who liked each other. Said it wasn't needed for you and me unless we were stressed or it was amazzzzzing sex. We agreed on this, we didn't kiss for so long and it was perfect because there were no feelings.
But then you started kissing me, and we started to hang out when you picked me up. The sex went from good to feeling like passion I can't explain... the way you went for me was different like I was craved. Instead of seeing you for an hour I'd stay the whole night with you, you started to bring food with you when I got picked up. I know I could've misread it. You were Good Sex Josh and then suddenly you tell me you don't know how you feel about that nick name anymore, now you're just Josh. Say you don't want me to sleep with other guys and acting jealous like I don't understand am I just making it up or do you feel me too.
We slept together for almost five months before you held my hand for the first time. You changed, you seemed to care and things just felt more intimate and less like the arrangement that we set up. But now? Idk what happened but... you don't talk to me as much and you're always always busy. Don't text until 2am if you bother. It's like you changed again, and I feel so damn broken hearted.
Now I'm too afraid to tell you how I feel
What if you say no, what if this was a game?
You didn't need to pretend to like me, you were already fucking me
We had an agreement so... what the fuck happened???
When I figured out I had feelings for him I auto dropped all the other guys I was texting when I was bored. They never really mattered much tbh. Fuck even before then I mostly tolerated them. The only person I think about is you, the hottest guys and the sweetest hearts keep coming for me and I just fucking swerve them because I just want to hang out with you. I want to spend time with you and see where this could go. I don't need a boyfriend right away but I also don't want to be just a fuck toy anymore. You acted like this was gonna be more now I want to try... if only I could say that.
[center [size10 [font "MS GOTHIC" February 18, 2017
Lol when they try to come back
Nah man I got this good good on my own.
Woke up this morning with the flu, guess my body just wasn't happy it was fed tacos. Fml but I love tacos so damn much bruh. I gotta buy furniture now that I'm switching like the bed frame and idk stuff I guess.
I just need change
[center [size10 [font "me gothic" February 17, 2017
Only three more work days before I'm free for Monday and Tuesday. Moving bedrooms soon... I gotta do something productive I feel like if I don't I'm just going to sink hard asf lawl.
[center [size11 [font "MS Gothic" 9:20 am MONDAY
if your drug dealer has an old man name and is young,
he got some lit fucking weed. jesus christ dennis
[center [size10 [font "MS Gothic" February 13, 2017
I'm not even surprised that you fucked a few others while waiting for me to finally let you try to do anything to me. Guess that's what I get for finally caring about myself and not just sleeping with someone huh? ;) Sorry not sorry but you ain't got no access to this temple asshole so slide back to that hohoho you fucked Christmas when you told me you were-- nvm at least I was always honest 100% about being shitty. I just needed the same level of respect in order to not be upset about this. XD Mostly just feel really really fucking dumb. You look dumb to me though tbh lol. I might've had some feelings but I never said "I think I'm in love with you" like you did all the time haha. I thought it was weird but NOW I get that you were just saying that because you were impatient and wanted to finally get your one time fuck in huh? I never felt it to that level buddy lol long gone past
The world is opening up, my third eye finally snapped open and the colors are sharper now. I can see the details as if it's the first time my eyes can go in HD and fuck it's not amazing yet but I can feel that it's gonna be. Underachievers guiding this shit and making sure I keep up my grinding and saving.
[center [size10 [font "MS Gothic" February 10, 2017
Alright fresh life, let's do this.
[center [font "MS Gothic" [size10 December 22, 2016
This is literally how I'm feeling as everyone is wrapping up presents and putting them under the tree. So many are for me and I barely got anyone anything. I'm glad I convinced mom to stop getting me things so Angel can get a little more. No one really knows what to get her though oops better look around some more. Gotta work graveyard tonight but I got a pretty good paycheck so I''ll give 200 to my dentist, 40 to what I owe, send back the mail, then Christmas shop before I work. IDK, rambling about my plans to not forget I guess. Dueces.
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