paradise.

/ By txt [+Watch]

Replies: 18 / 1 years 63 days 19 hours 14 minutes 48 seconds

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[Center February 24th, 2018
[Pic https://78.media.tumblr.com/30d517980eb6932ef90d91c7cd5e2106/tumblr_ohzk5aM66s1smw5dno2_250.gif]

Shrooms. Psych. 7pm ate the caps, didnt start frying until i played soul Calibur with Johnny. Can say it was a huge eye opening experience, I even had a lotus flower crystal for focus if i hallucinated... only saw inverted rainbows in the shadows tho. Plus i was FRYING BALLS SO IT WAS SO FUCKING FUN. GREAT TRIP.
  txt / 5m 44s
[Center [pic https://78.media.tumblr.com/c296177f9bc4d07eb8bfb237a90a3d41/tumblr_oh5eng9Veg1ufwz7eo4_540.gif]]

[Center Jan. 30th, 2018

I will not give up. I will grind harder.
Pay debts. Be a teacher.
Year from now I will be normal.

Psych meds make me too drowsy.
  txt / 24d 22h 55m 27s
Nov 24 2017

Things looking up-down.
That's ok I guess
  txt / 91d 18h 57m 3s
(Center As of next week Midnight and Precious will officially be my companion/therapy animals! My therapist really is the true MVP thank you Todd.
  txt / 149d 2h 8m 4s
[Center [size10 idk checklist of desires and actual needs

- get vet for Midnight & Precious (500$)
- couch/coffee table/bookshelf
- get therapy animal forms from office next appointment
- 100$ left to hospitals
- 800$ to dentist
- 30 (300$) to phone
- 400$ left for car debt
  txt / 164d 1h 6m 12s
Please just fucking kill me all I know how to do is fuck things up worse and worse and worse and worse
  kim / txt / 281d 20h 52m 55s
[center [size10 my doctors are really nice and understanding. They're helping me with my mental issues. Everything's gonna be ok.
  kim / txt / 287d 20h 48m 7s
I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die
  kim / txt / 291d 14h 36m 10s
[center I. Want. To. Die.
But I'm too afraid to kill myself.

[size10 May 4th, 2017
  txt / txt / 295d 9h 37m 33s
[center [font "MS GOTHIC" March 25, 2017

Went to the ER the other night

According to the doctors my anxiety is causing a lack of appetite which led into malnutrition and my GI getting all fucked up. My stress levels are too high and they said I need to be more social and go outside more often if I want to get better. They've also referred me to two psych clinics and if I have another panic attack I'm suppose to go stay overnight in the psych ward there. Apparently when I have panic attacks my heart rate jumps to dangerous levels and it's just a mess tbh.

But I have some meds and I'm going to follow every single doctors order I get. I'm determined to get better. I'm not going to die and I'm going to keep telling myself that until the day I can finally get solid food down without puking again. I had to quit my new caregiving job and go back to fast food in order to help fix it though.

Spend more time being social
Get at least 15 mins of natural sunlight daily
Don't sit around too much
Eat 4-5 meals a day until capable of eating decent portions
Don't lay down when sleeping, sleep sitting up


There's so much more too. I'm constantly anxious and my heartbeat rarely goes down to a normal rate
  jpg / txt / 336d 1h 47m 53s
[center [size11 [font "MS Gothic" and fucking Dennis sweeps in from no where.
His as of March 15, 2017

I can't believe I fell for one of my best friends...
  jpg / txt / 341d 9h 1m 38s
[center [size11 [font "MS GOTHIC" I don't even know what day it is it's all been a blur of fucking tears and pain. I normally date these but I just can't, thanks for treating me like I was absolutely nothing again. Don't act like it is turning into something if it isn't. I'm done with it ✌️
  jpg / txt / 360d 20h 52m 22s
[center [size10 [font "MS GOTHIC" February 25, 2017

Why'd you do it J?

When we started it was suppose to only be business. Sex to relief the body nothing more we agreed that kissing and cuddling and hand holding was for people who liked each other. Said it wasn't needed for you and me unless we were stressed or it was amazzzzzing sex. We agreed on this, we didn't kiss for so long and it was perfect because there were no feelings.

But then you started kissing me, and we started to hang out when you picked me up. The sex went from good to feeling like passion I can't explain... the way you went for me was different like I was craved. Instead of seeing you for an hour I'd stay the whole night with you, you started to bring food with you when I got picked up. I know I could've misread it. You were Good Sex Josh and then suddenly you tell me you don't know how you feel about that nick name anymore, now you're just Josh. Say you don't want me to sleep with other guys and acting jealous like I don't understand am I just making it up or do you feel me too.

We slept together for almost five months before you held my hand for the first time. You changed, you seemed to care and things just felt more intimate and less like the arrangement that we set up. But now? Idk what happened but... you don't talk to me as much and you're always always busy. Don't text until 2am if you bother. It's like you changed again, and I feel so damn broken hearted.

Now I'm too afraid to tell you how I feel
What if you say no, what if this was a game?
You didn't need to pretend to like me, you were already fucking me
We had an agreement so... what the fuck happened???

When I figured out I had feelings for him I auto dropped all the other guys I was texting when I was bored. They never really mattered much tbh. Fuck even before then I mostly tolerated them. The only person I think about is you, the hottest guys and the sweetest hearts keep coming for me and I just fucking swerve them because I just want to hang out with you. I want to spend time with you and see where this could go. I don't need a boyfriend right away but I also don't want to be just a fuck toy anymore. You acted like this was gonna be more now I want to try... if only I could say that.
  jpg / txt / 363d 23h 50m 3s
[center [size10 [font "MS GOTHIC" February 18, 2017

Lol when they try to come back
Nah man I got this good good on my own.

Woke up this morning with the flu, guess my body just wasn't happy it was fed tacos. Fml but I love tacos so damn much bruh. I gotta buy furniture now that I'm switching like the bed frame and idk stuff I guess.

I just need change
  indigo / txt / 1y 5d 17h 14m 17s
[center [size10 [font "me gothic" February 17, 2017

Only three more work days before I'm free for Monday and Tuesday. Moving bedrooms soon... I gotta do something productive I feel like if I don't I'm just going to sink hard asf lawl.
  txt / 1y 7d 19m 9s
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