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[font "Times New Roman" [i [#faffff xx xxx] [u [#faffff tlatbush zombies ▶]]
[#faffff xx xxx] [u flatbush zombies [https://youtu.be/Z-y435Bpj4Q [#D2557D ▶]]]
[center [size10 [pic http://i.imgur.com/Ya1L973.png] [#faffff x] [Pic http://i.imgur.com/BCqMxsu.png]
[Pic http://i.imgur.com/DKWA7an.jpg]
Liquid washed down my throat like soap, I don't wanna think about the shit that's warped
But I don't wanna be deep on this beat and I can't fucking let go of what's around me [#faffff x x] [pic http://i.imgur.com/Ouksseg.gif]
[#ffffff .]


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Roleplay Responses

[Font "times new roman" [i [size10 why should I apologize for being a monster
when not one motherfucker has apologized for breaking me into one
  nyfeli / 2d 3h 9m 21s
[size10 [font "times new roman" [i [b January 25, 2020]
I just need a break. one day alone.
  ⁿʸᶠᵉˡⁱ / nyfeli / 3d 10h 47m 25s
[pic https://66.media.tumblr.com/16cf9774b678a040e2dfdc0e65bdd6dd/tumblr_inline_njvcf7XTi61sccn28.gif] [#faffff .] [pic https://66.media.tumblr.com/5da2b0d01c5f3b54448ac9be935a2227/tumblr_inline_njvcfwyZ2c1sccn28.gif]]

[Size10 [i [font "times new roman" [b Jan 9th, 2020 - Thursday]
I punched myself in the face. It made me feel better, it hurt less than my... Feelings. Whatever these feelings are. Anger. Spite. Regret. Worthlessness. Ugly bitch. When he pushed me to make me stop hitting myself, I slammed my head into the carpet... It hit so hard I almost passed out immediately after I bounced back up, then fell onto my back where I just laid there completely numb. Bruises kissing both my cheeks and left eyebrow; and popped blood vessels on my entire forehead, I didn't realize I had this strength. My head still hurts so bad... Like a migraine. I need a punching bag. I need help. I can't stop myself.
  nyfeli / 9d 9h 41m 45s
[Font "times new roman" [i [size10 I've had intrusive homicidal & suicidal thoughts since 3rd grade. I'm ready to be normal... [u please].
I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want o hurt myself...
Please make this overwhelming urge to punch myself in the face go away
The bruise is still sore. People can see these things. I don't like lying.
To make someone, [i anyone] feel pain to make mine fade
I... I'm scared of myself
Please go away
  nyfeli / 10d 9h 46m 54s
[Center [size10 [font "times new roman" [i [b 01/04/2020 Saturday]

Got to see Korbin today before he gets deployed again, I hope he stays okay.
  nyfeli / 14d 13h 25m 16s
[#faffff x x x x] [size9 December 31, 2019 [#faffff xt] [b 11:53 pm] [p [pic http://i.imgur.com/D136ZqE.jpg]]
  nyfeli / 18d 9h 30m 41s
[Center [font "times new roman" [i [size10 when your bf finally buys you the game you've been waiting to play for 6 years
but he accidentally binds it to his own PSN account
so now you gotta wait 2 days for the refund before you can play
hoping to god you make it before the sale

[Pic https://media1.giphy.com/media/L02M3FJhkF19S/source.gif]

thank you megan for making sure i can run around as a bunny
You're the fucking true MVP girl <3
  nyfeli / 18d 13h 27m 30s
[left [pic https://66.media.tumblr.com/8bb7cf7b97b52b051a7c64aa5268cc65/tumblr_inline_njvcmavFhr1sccn28.gif]]

[center [font "times new roman" [i [size10 there's two kinds of bitches
rihanna bitches & beyoncé bitches

[Size8 - determines the inner bad bitch -
the one you listen to in heartbreak]
  nyfeli / 20d 47m 29s
[Center [font "times new roman" [size11 [i [b Thursday December 19, 2019]

Finally everything is feeling better again. Irritability is down for the first time in weeks, I literally just screamed as loud as I could last night. I felt so bottled and inside myself, even talking to Denny didn't make any of the heaviness go away. The neverending weight of trying to claw my way out from the inside and be the true me. The attractive me, the one who is clean and smells good and smiles. The one who keeps it cool and is smart and just glows.

I had that for a little bit and lost it during the baby, the infidelity leak, and our cross country move we had to take. The stress of the money being short, bills close to being shut off and possible homlessness. By the end of January we will FINALLY not worry about missing bills, we will have a car and we will begin paying off our debt. Money is always our biggest stressor but now that Denny will be home to work he will get holiday pay and double which will catch us up on the heat.

It feels so GOOD to finally push through and look towards the future in a positive view.
I can't wait for this Spring.
  nyfeli / 30d 15h 53m 6s
[Size10 [font "times new roman" [i [center
i want to be normal i want to be normal i want to be normal
i want to be normal i want to be normal i want to be normal
i want to be normal i want to be normal i want to be normal
i want to be normal i want to be normal i want to be normal
i want to be normal i want to be normal i want to be normal
i want to be normal i want to be normal i want to be normal
i want to be normal i want to be normal i want to be normal
it hurts it hurts i wish i were fucking dead it hurts it hurts it
it hurts it hurts i wish i were fucking dead it hurts it hurts it
it hurts it hurts i wish i were fucking dead it hurts it hurts it
it hurts it hurts i wish i were fucking dead it hurts it hurts it
it hurts it hurts i wish i were fucking dead it hurts it hurts it
it hurts it hurts i wish i were fucking dead it hurts it hurts it
i want to be normal i want to be normal i want to be normal
i want to be normal i want to be normal i want to be normal
i want to be normal i want to be normal i want to be normal
i want to be normal i want to be normal i want to be normal
i want to be normal i want to be normal i want to be normal
i want to be normal i want to be normal i want to be normal
i want to be normal i want to be normal i want to be normal
i want to be normal i want to be normal i want to be normal
  ˡᵒᵛᵉˢⁱᶜᵏ / nyfeli / 32d 10h 53m 50s
[Center [size11 [font "times new roman" [i [b Monday December 16th, 2019]

lol "not there for me" yeah when I said I'd try to pay attention to my messages more you didn't even say shit. TELL SOMEONE WHEN YOU NEED THEM. When I said I'd try to check my messages more it was because I felt guilty for barely using my texting all day and spending it formatting It wasn't even related to what you were going through since I had NO CLUE. I am not a fortune teller and I don't see every single little thing you talk about. Didn't even know what happened until A COUPLE OF DAYS LATER because it happened to show up on my timeline. You didn't say anything was wrong and you just expect me to know/stalk your page to find out. Plus when I ASKED it was "I'm fine" when I say I'm there if you need me just text anytime and I'll try harder? "Okay". Just. Okay. Stop acting like you tell me everything and have me in some super loop that gives me super powers to know your struggles because I dont, I only have what you give me and I give you. At least I COME to you when I needed you so there was no reason to have hard feelings, so I know that when I needed you that you were there because I MADE SURE you were there if you didn't have the intuition. And you literally act like I didn't even ask lol i did ask and you acted fucking transparent so what was I suppose to do? FORCE you to talk? I have fucking boundaries.
Denny and I share the phone btw lol, so half the time I'm not even using it or my own account. And you already know I don't have my own phone. I don't even have my own privacy since Dennis reads everything.

You DID deserve what I said to you. ONE HUNDRED PERCENT. Being a genuine good person DOES NOT EXCUSE saying hurtful things when upset, especially when you don't even apologize. I didn't insult you nor did I make any jabs. My words are literally [b "Thought I'd tell you to have a nice life, we've been working hard to get out there, don't send anything and block me."] with a "I don't deserve to be spoken to like this" after. Even now you just find more reasons to see how I'm a "bad friends" or "in the wrong" by bringing up things that aren't even related to what happened yesterday in the first place, aka my "activity" online and saying I'll check my messages more. I'm allowed to write. I'm allowed to be on the internet and I'm allowed to have hobbies on my phone and not text back for a bit. If I'm not aware of an emergency then I am going to live my day like any other day.

YOU UNINVITED ME WHEN I EXPRESSED DISAPPOINTMENT. Not me. Did I say "don't come then" just because someone was disappointed that literally most of the plans they made in the first place were cancelled? Did I throw money being spent in your face and tell you you'd just be a sore thumb and not even enjoy your trip if I came and got you? Did I accuse you and your man of not even wanting to come in the first place? Tbh just feels like you're trying to make me feel bad for being such a BOTHER which I absolutely can't stand.

DON'T INVITE PEOPLE AND MAKE PLANS IF YOU'RE JUST GONNA LET PEOPLE PUSH YOU AROUND AND DO SOMETHING ELSE. You say [B I] PULLED YOU LEFT AND RIGHT? Denny's work has been having meetings about vacation days THAT IT and the ONLY thing on my end to change was if he could make it and my $600+ power bill that made it to where I couldn't even buy anything for Christmas. Our plans were for me to come and om CHRISTMAS EVE WE HAVE A LITTLE PIZZA PARTY MOVIES AND PRESENT WRAPPING. You were literally cancelling the ONLY thing I was looking forward to besides the kids, which already, out of your control, had been cancelled.

Yknow what Denny, my parents AND my sister said when they saw/heard what you said to me? [b "Sounds like she didn't really want you to come."] And yknow I agree, the way you were talking wasn't someone who wanted me to change my mind and maybe still come, they were excuses and insults that literally made me feel like a worthless waste of space and I wondered "why am I even trying? How could someone feel so comfortable saying that I'm just gonna be a downer and waste of a car ride?" How could someone feel so comfortable making me feel bad? Making me cry and feel guilt? Which ultimately led me to my decision.

I. Have. To. Take. Care. Of. Me. Too.
We can barely feed ourselves, barely keep bills paid, have 400 n debt to power still if not paid by 20th we get it shut off in the fucking snowy winter

So you know why I'm really not your friend anymore?
Because you insulted me by saying I wasn't worth the money, drive or effort.
[Size9 [b "Why would I spend 100+ just for you to be snippy?"]]

Because you insulted my boyfriend and treated him as if he wasn't actively trying to make this a good christmas just like you.

Because you tried to use your friends feelings, which I still don't know why or for what purpose. Yes I do care that someone's feelings are hurt but they way you could so easily toss mine to the side and not even bother asking why or come up with a solution is red flags galore for me.

I'm sick and tired of people who don't communicate and get get passed tough decisions because idek why. I expressed my disappointment only after you didn't even fucking bother. "Oh yeah gonna be gone Christmas Eve too" but??? So??? What does that mean??? I ask if we gonna just do it when you get back and you fucking give me a shitty "I guess so" type of fucking mediocre answer? Lol. K. Sorry Britni just be a darling robot and don't react because if we spend money on you and help you then ya better just do as you're told even if it sucks.

Yknow at first I just felt bad, I was bawling in my bath tub because "Oh she worked so hard and I know I was disappointed but she didn't have to tell me not to come" typing a simple "okay then" to try and seem like it's all okay and I'm not mad. But the way you acted was completely and utterly UNCALLED FOR AND UNDESERVED. I did NOT deserve to be told I'm not worth the trip. I did NOT deserve to be told I'd just be snippy. I did NOT deserve to be told that "Dennis didn't even wanna come" and HONESTLY YOUR ATTITUDE IS THE WHOLE ASS REASON WHY I DECIDED THIS WAS FOR THE BEST.

I don't wanna be friends with someone who analyzes me like this
I don't wanna be friends with someone who insults me then expects me to talk to them first without an apology
I don't want my online activity closely monitored like you're my parent
I don't want to feel OBLIGATED to message you, I should be allowed to do it because you're in my thoughts or it's been a minute since the last time. I shouldn't be "expected" to do it because you think I telepathically know every detail about you. I don't expect people to know about things that don't include them directly unless I involve them myself.
With that logic I should be like "you didn't even notice that I was manic this week and have been depression sleeping and irritable and fighting and haven't moved from this spot in 3 days." Oh you couldn't tell this week was a bad one for me? Wonder why? OH RIGHT YOU WERE HAVING YOUR OWN ISSUE. So pathetic to just say someone isn't doing enough when you should know full well they have their own issues too. I've never held it against you if I was having a bad time and you didn't know because I know that you have to reach out to get the help you need or no one will know about it.
I want a friend who comes to me with their problems instead of expecting me to sniff them out
Not someone who gives me transparent answers when I finally take the hint and DO ask
And I want a friend who even in the face of negativity doesn't say hurtful things about me.

Although I am sorry you went through all the trouble, and I feel really bad because I was really excited and it was so thoughtful and I was appreciative along with inconsidate and talked about it with Dennis every day...

stop blaming me. Stop saying I was a bad friend because I didn't always text and would do other things. Stop acting like I didn't even care when you know I fucking did. It's not my fault you told me not to come and never even took it back. It's not my fault you said those demeaning things to me. It IS my fault for taking them more personally than intended. But I'm tired and tbh this specific week wasn't a good time because it's been manic.

At this point I'm just repeating myself.

It's over. We aren't friends anymore.
And tbh, I don't think we will be again.
  ˢⁱⁿⁿᵉʳˢ / nyfeli / 33d 23h 3m 2s
[Center [size11 [font "times new roman" [i

[b Sunday December 15, 2019]

I'm just a nuisance at this point.
It would have been too much of a hassle to have me there anyway.

But tbh I just don't think it should be that hard to tell her "No I'm sorry but I've been planning to have someone visit from out of town." Or "I have visitors from out of town, could I bring them so I'm not ditching them?"

It's not about work.

[b 30 mins. P.S.]

[b a.)] Dennis worked his ass off to get in enough hours to barely make a vacation day and get the correct day off work. You're out of your MIND if you think he wanted to just send off me and Rose away from him and spend Christmas away from us. He wanted to come and make me happy because I begged and begged to do this. He's been saving as much as he can besides bills DESPITE our bills getting out of control and he EVEN FOUND US A ROOM MATE SO WE WOULD HAVE EXTRA MONEY WHEN WE VISITED.

[b b.)] "Why would I spend 100+ just for you to not enjoy it and be snippy." Oh fucking WOW that really shows what you think of me. Just FYI there's nothing wrong with a Christmas slowly not feeling as fun as I originally thought it would and for things to get a little ruined for me, it happens. Thanks for assuming I'm just gonna be a bitch btw. As if I'd go all that way just to act like a brat and ruin the WHOLE thing instead of parts of it. I'm not fucking ungrateful. I've been really appreciative of this and felt so blessed but boy was I fucking wrong. Not to mention you threw money into the equation when I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING MONEY.

[b c.)] "You hurt XXX's feelings too" what does saying that gain you? Do only your guy's feelings matter? And what about mine? Felt like being stabbed when you said "don't come then". All I said was all these missing factors have really been cancelling things out for me-- like really what was there left to do if you were gonna be gone on Christmas Eve too? I was hurt when I found out people care so little about me visiting you they can simply force you out of the only other plans you'd already made weeks prior. Hurt like fucking hell when you said Dennis didn't even wanna go and that you'd be wasting 100$ on gas to have me there and be "snippy". I. Am. HURT.

[b d.)] I was being honest to come up with a solution, because let's face it "I'm gonna be gone Christmas eve now" without any sort of "but we can do this" or "but I'll still be home at this time" doesn't really do anything but show me you're uninterested in whatever we had planned, but instead you decided to uninvite me, make an uncalled for jab at me, and then pretty much act like it was my fault for saying it was ruining things for me a bit. As if I ruined your Christmas by saying things weren't panning out to be very much fun.

So all in all, it's not work and it's not how your boyfriend's family apparently can't comprehend you having company for the holidays, it's the negative things you said to me that got me there. I'm sick and tired of being treated like some ungrateful brat. I shouldn't have to lie and hide my feelings, I was already fucking hurt, not to mention I have life problems just like you do, you really hurt me this time.
  nyfeli / 34d 21h 36m 58s
[Center [font "times new roman" [size10 [i [pic https://media.giphy.com/media/l41YdgsLC1gpMKvra/giphy.gif]

[b Thursday December 12, 2019]
Precious died May 29, 2018 and it still feels fresh some days.
I can't even begin to describe how much I miss her because
it just gets me all worked up and crying again the like always.
She visited me a few nights ago, right before my sleeping all
of a sudden became restless and my mania started to come
out in small spurts again. I think she came to comfort me &
help me through this rough week. It just... felt so fucking real

[right [pic https://i.imgur.com/gu9kTpu.jpg] [#faffff xx xx xx xx xx xx xx xx xx x]]
  nyfeli / 36d 20h 47m 44s
[Center [size11 [font "times new roman" [i [b Saturday December 7, 2019]

Idk why I'm so unhappy with my appearance until I touch facebook. Log onto there and boom, for some reason my friends list reblogs sexual borderline pornographic pics of perfect girls who's boobs are round and reach above an A cup, their hips melt into their legs instead of being straight and boyish and narrow. Their hair doesn't always look like it's frizzed and bumpy, completely nasty and trash looking because I can't tie it in a hairtie right. Eyebrows that aren't nasty and bushy, straight teeth that I don't have to fork out another two grand for. I've always taking pride in being a girl but in a boyish way but... I wanna look like the other girls. I want my body to fill out the clothes. I'm too skinny for the clothes but too frumpy to be athletic and beautiful.

I hate how I look. I hate how ugly I am.
I want to look the way [u [b I want]] to look.
  nyfeli / 43d 3h 28m 12s
[Font "times new roman" [size10 [i [center [b

Tuesday December 3, 2019]

I have been feeling a lot better the last few days. Aura has been less depressed, I've been taking care of my skin & hair with good products and been on top.of keeping the house clean. We do have some bad bill situation going on but I've been working a budget in order to try and get us on track quicker.

Almost everyday I tell Denny that I love my life. I think to myself about how genuinely enjoyable simple moments are and hold them fondly. I never want this to end.
  ⁿʸᶠᵉˡⁱ / nyfeli / 46d 11h 14m 58s

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