/ By txt [+Watch]

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[center [font "Times New Roman" [i
[Size10 a place for my darkest thoughts
[Pic http://i.imgur.com/F5cy5mJ.jpg]
[pic http://pa1.narvii.com/6709/d1b359aa73fe84c4a7f9f2fa98c78bf55d8a1594_00.gif]
[Pic http://i.imgur.com/F5cy5mJ.jpg]
this 'idol’ you praise isn’t me - she doesn’t exist
[#ffffff .]


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Roleplay Responses

[center [font "times new roman" [i [b [size10 November 10th, 2019]]

Rose's birthday party was really great! I got the whole house clean, redecorated the kitchen and managed to get almost all the dishes done before company arrived. We had Little Caesar's pizzas, soda and her cake had little red roses on them. Rose had her very own matching smash cake to go with it. She even passed out early from all the excitement.

I love her so much.
  nyfeli / nyfeli / 2d 20h 24m 37s
[Center [size10 [font "times new roman" [i [b [u november 6th, 2019]]
Happy Birthday my sweet Rosebunny!
Mommy loves you so much
  nyfeli / 7d 53m 32s
[center [size10 [font "times new roman" [i [b November 4th, 2019[#faffff x] 12:47 am]

Late nights while you're working grave shifts are the worst. I've felt so stressed lately with bills. I can't sleep without you in bed with me, I can barely leave the couch. The rain sounds so peaceful but my chest is tight and my eyes are watering. I love you so much Denny I wish it was already morning so I could hold you again. I can't wait to feel better. Everyone keeps telling me to go back to therapy sessions and get back on psych meds but I hated it so much. They didn't help me and my relationship was dying because of my lack of interaction. I know I've been up and down a lot lately with my emotions but I always make it through any sproutes of mania or depressive episodes most the time. It'll all be okay again.

I'm always okay.
  nyfeli / nyfeli / 9d 9h 59m 34s
[center [font "times new roman" [i [size11 [b [u october 30th, 2019]]

Denny started back up with his graveyard shift at the ATM factory since the General Motors strike is over. This makes night time lonely and has been sparking a little anxiety. The 'bad thoughts' stay away for the most part, both body image and past memory ones. tbh I am so over being so broken and frail. When do people heal from having their heart ripped out of their chest and drug accross a floor of glass?
  nyfeli / 13d 17h 6m 58s
[Center [font "times new roman" [i [b [u October 16th, 2019]]

Went to the ER around 7pm last night due to having contraction like pains starting from 10am . Had blood and urine tests done, an xray and cervical exam and they found nothing despite it feeling like I was breaking every bone in my body. The amount of pain also had me in panic mode and hyperventilating HARD which gave me 121/80 for my bloodpressure... Not to mention I took almost 2500mg of acetaminophen in a 24 hour period that did absolutely nothing to sooth my pain or bloating and only made me puke. And the nurse fucking RIPPED MY IV OUT SIDEWAYS which almost made me puke a 3rd time!

This morning I have a fever and my pain isn't as bad but my shoulders arms and ribs are very sore from the hyperventilating... I haven't eaten in over 24 hours and tbh only tortilla chips sounds appetizing. Denny has missed 2 days of work for this so we might not even make rent... I don't need answers I just want to feel better tbh. I just need more rest... Thank god Denny has stayed with me and has taken care of Rose for my nearly this entire time. Hoping I feel better by the end of today because I don't wanna go back to the hospital... They make me nervous and feel scared the whole time I'm there.

[B P.S.] The fucking vein where she ripped out my IV is FUCKING BRUISED.
  nyfeli / 27d 23h 56m 41s
[Center [font "times new roman" [i [size11 [b [u October 13th, 2019] - Sunday]
Two good days in a row? Yes please.

We spent the morning watching criminal minds, got dressed and headed over to grandmamas. Cory got a new, very pretty teal with a wicked water terp, little bong that we passed around before carving pumpkins. I carved one that had a dripping mouth and also helped Hannah carve hers... Which was hands spreading a bootyhole LOL. Trying to train Rose to take only one long nap during the day instead of two... Kinda annoying because the 1pm nap is only 30 mins and inconvenient asf then the 6pm nap keeps her awake almost all night.

Gonna flea bomb the house tomorrow and go to the laundro-matt in order to get rid of our current pest problem. Hoping the bombs also gets the wildlife out of the walls because their scratching sucks. I hope it works these pests are driving me absolutely fucking crazy. Little Rose and Angel are getting eaten up by those bad boys poor things.

This weekend was very nice. I loved it.
I finally feel like things really might be okay soon.
  nyfeli / nyfeli / 30d 18h 49m 58s
[Center [i [font "times new roman" [size10 [b [u October 12, 2k19]]
We had a really good day today.
[B I] had a really good day today actually.

We went on a walk, my sister and brother-in-law are out of town so we've had the house to ourselves. I spent the day formatting and joining a group roleplay while Denny hopped from playing Pokémon Crystal and Majora's Mask... No fighting just being content woth ourselves. When Rose fell asleep Denny and I made a homemade pepperoni pizza together, even made garlic butter and drizzled it on the crust. I haven't had a day feel this good in such a long time.

Rosabel is gonne be one year old this first week of November and I feel like I'm not ready for it. I feel like I missed out on the whole first year of her life because I was too busy being depressed about the stupid infidelity shit Dennis did back in 2017 and early 2018... sometimes when she is laying on me I miss when she was so tiny I thought she would break in my arms if I hugged her too tight. That's why this next year is going to be worry free and everything is going to be 100% absolutely perfect fornour family again.

Just like it used to be.
  nyfeli / 31d 16h 8m 57s
[Center [font "times new roman" [i [size10 [u [b October 10th, 2k19]]
Jesus I don't even know what to say... Friday was such a horrible point and this amount of fighting has been absolutely toxic for not only our relationship but to ourselves and our daughter as well. There's been nothing bad since the 4th but I've been very disoriented the last couple of days... Barely in reality and mostly just zoning out while watching Rose. Dennis and I went over all our changes we need... again. I'd love to say that I know for a fact that everything is going to be better now but I don't; I have absolutely no fucking clue where we are going but I'm going to cherish it tight while I have it. Just in case.

[U [b goals or desires idek]]
¬ pink or grey faux fur coat
¬ friends for bridesmaids/girls night
¬ fleek clothes for self confidence
¬ adorable minnie mouse heels
¬ butterfly wing heels in white & gold
¬ a car so I can hang out with my best friend
¬ get back into my chalkras and witchy roots
¬ smelly goods and baths bombs... All of them
¬ repierce my sexy belly button ring I used to have
¬ idk I need a fucking life of my own again please god

[B song of the day ;;]
[#ffffff song of the day xx-] no heart - 21 savage ft. metro boomin
  nyfeli / 33d 14h 23m 44s
[Center [font "times new roman" [i October 8, 2019
[Pic http://i.imgur.com/xWJk38t.png]

[Size30 100% fucking accurate
  nyfeli / 35d 23h 17m 15s
[Center [i [font "times new roman" October 4th, 2019
[Pic https://cdn49.picsart.com/181517686000202.gif]

He just packed his bags and tried to leave me again.
This is the third time it's happened this fucking week.

Why am I so[#ffffff .x]w o r t h l e s s?
He doesn't fucking love me does he?

I was screaming, bawling, begging you to not leave our family we made.
You kept walking away no matter how much I begged you and begged you.
You even threw your suitcase out the window and jumped out the second story window in order to "escape" me. You accused me of being abusive and said we are ALL abusive to you. You don't treat us right... But I remember when things were amazing and I'm determined to have that. I know none of it is true...

Please... Give me one more chance?
  nyfeli / 39d 21h 55m 28s
[Center [font "Times New Roman" [i september 28th, 2019
[pic http://i.imgur.com/biA5Vmv.gif]

Just when it feels like things are getting better, that [b we] are doing better... Of course it only gets worse. I'm so fucking tired of the hostility we keep bringing to each other and at this rate I'm scared it's all gonna be over by the end of the year.

Two and a half almost three years... Gone.
Has it [b been] dead and we just kept pushing it?
No... I just... I... Just wanna die.

Which hurts because I actually have been feeling good since the last journal entry. But I'm tired, I'm so fucking tired. It feels like we fight no matter what when we are together and if you're asleep I can't go anywhere without you wakimg up "alone" so you're upset. You work graveyard and sleep until 5pm and I am just suppose to sit and wait all day? Fuck you. Fuck this.

Fuck love.
  nyfeli / 46d 4h 49m 45s
[Center [font "Times New Roman" [i [u september 11th, 2019]

Been distracting myself by playing pokemon with Angel and Brennan on my phone. I've gotten quite a few different luckies now so that's nice. They went on a raid and caught me a mythical since I had to stay at home with the baby and I'm pretty excited for Mewtwo to be the legendary next week. Idk if Alolan Raichu still appears but I'm gonna ne keeping a look out for it because it's one of my top favorite pokemon. Electric psychic am I right??

Also Novovember 11th
pokemon sword and shield.
120$ for game
400$ for switch
520$ sinkhole

We haven't been rocky the last couple of days and I'm hoping it doesn't only last for so long. Denny is gonna be switching off the graveyard shifts it's just not working out for us and the nights are so lonely, let alone waiting for him while he's asleep during the day. I think he will feel better once he doesn't have to work all night and can spend time with me and Rose while we are awake too. She's so happy and perfect first thing in the morning I know he will love it.
  txt / nyfeli / 63d 2h 27s
[Center [size11 [font "MS Gothic" [u September 8th, 2019] (continued)
[Pic https://66.media.tumblr.com/8f0921b9e19f75b6da739f52ff440aa1/tumblr_nump6oAo5g1rxbx0uo3_250.gif] [pic https://66.media.tumblr.com/a1a1d0cded7cc9cd6359a4dab1d277fa/tumblr_nump6oAo5g1rxbx0uo6_250.gif]

Today was not a good day at all. Dennis and I fought all day and he attempted to end his life again. He said over and over I make him feel like he does everything wrong and it makes him want to kill himself. I don't know what I'm suppose to do... I don't talk about the past and I try my hardest to help keep the house in order while also being a stupid housewife for him. I give him all my time and energy and I know that none of this cures depression or suicidal thoughts but I'm so afraid he's going to leave us. He's either going to walk out that door and leave forever or take his life and leave forever with no chance of coming back. Idk what to do. I've been working so hard to rebuild our lives again and make him happy... To even make [u myself] happy as well as him. I know we need to start over but it's hard when he's so determined to just be gone forever. I love him I know I still love him. I can't live without him in my life somewhere.

Idk how to make him feel like he's doing good. It would help if we could get on top of the bills and treat the cat fleas but he's so bad with money and If I bring up that I should be in charge of the budget I'm "rubbing it in his face" which, of course, makes him want to end it all. He has packed up his things to leave me twice now and today he tried to leave then came back and tried strangling himself. I know that's all toxic but I firmly believe that if both of us just work on our own inner happiness we can make it through.

I feel like he doesn't love me back
He says he loves me more than anything

For now I'm just going to work on building up our budget then work from there. I'm sure if I can budget in treats for him and dates for the two of us here and there he'll see that life isn't so bad and even though he feels like dying he doesn't have to. It just breaks my heart because I thought we were getting better... Everytime I have bad thoughts about his past infedility I just distract myself and tell myself that as time passes those memories will fade. I try to trust him with being cautious at the same time, and I try to be loving towards him despite my doubts that he even wants me. I've been trying just as hard as he has been... And I wish he could see that. If he could then maybe he'd want to live.]]

- - -

[Font "Times New Roman" [i This imaginary world collapses when I touch it
No matter how many times I build it up again
Waiting so long has helped me adapt
To the other side of the moon

[b I'm just a lonely god
Far from significant
Loneliness isn't simple
I don't even think about it]

Hey, you were born in the world
What was it like?
Sweet? Spicy? Salty? Bitter?
Or was it sour?
How far away
Is love in this world?
The ominous silhouettes
Resemble a masquerade ball

Round, and round, and round, revolving
Quickly, quickly, quickly spilling out
From the only hole
Sweet, faint, pain, overflowing

This imaginary world collapses when I touch it
No matter how many times I build it up again
Waiting so long has helped me adapt
To the other side of the moon

This imaginary world collapses when I touch it
No matter how many times I build it up again
Hey, look, I can feel it
Is this really my true self?

This imaginary world collapses when I touch it
No matter how many times I build it up again
As soon as I touch it
It collapses and disappears within me

I want to understand
I love you
Without love
This is a world of ruin
  txt / nyfeli / 66d 1h 15m 30s
[Center [Size11 [font "MS GOTHIC" [u September 8th, 2019]
[pic http://i.imgur.com/JvK3eFn.gif]

In order to let go, I needed to erase the bad thoughts from the past.
This is the new beginning entry to my thoughts and worries.
I was once BlissfulStarr or Tonic, I am now Nyfeli
I am 23 years old and the mother of a perfect 10 month old daughter
My relationship was a facade and full of lies that took me years to find out about
But I am determined to make it work, to forgive AND forget and move forward
Because I still love him, and I want my love to be as pure as I thought it once was
Funny how some ecchi fever dream video & song describe can our faults perfectly

- - -]]

[Font "Times New Roman" [i Always, Always
We were always together, weren’t we?
Always, Always
I was always thinking of you
You also felt this way, you were the same
These feelings of ours consumed everything
Back then, back then
I was willing to keep on living

You said that I reflected the true ‘you’
You, filled with sadness, filled with hatred
began idolizing me
This 'idol’ you praise isn’t me - she doesn’t exist
But back then, she was convenient for you
A patchwork of memories

I wonder what will come from your hesitation
I’ll give you hints on how to live your life well
My advice is soft and gentle;
To be an oblate is to live in a present that never advances;
To suddenly change your ways will immediately cut your everyday life in two
We’ll be able to extinguish everything, from the minute we met up until now, just by reaffirming our love
Fall down to the bottom of your consciousness and there I exist - the boundary that you lend your mouth and ears to
I sing as a distraction
In this daily life made out of foam
You are no longer a “sparkling moment” for me

I remember

Deep, deep in your consciousness
You remain all alone
On that day, at that time
I dreamt a dream I’d already dreamt before
On that day, at that time
Much like that repeating dream I repeatedly thought of you

I’m far more of a crybaby than you remember me being -
I’m waiting here for you

How are you going to live now?
How are you going to keep living now?

You’ll never change, remaining like this until the day you die
Your true feelings have sunk to the bottom of a deep and dark swamp -
Yes, they’ve built and built until they’ve flooded over

[B The scene - our memories of those times
beautiful memories stacked on top of each other
Wonderful - fantastic - that girl was so much fun
[U You hated that girl]]

I’ve worked hard for myself -
What have you done for yourself?
When you notice the scattered pieces of the mirror
You’ll realize I wanted you to notice

Is this still going on? Is this still happening?
Even though I’d been waiting for you
Even though I loved you

Eternal love only exists in distress
Eternal love certainly doesn’t exist anywhere anymore
  txt / nyfeli / 66d 1h 42m 56s

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