paradise.

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[Center [font "Times New Roman" [i [u september 11th, 2019]

Been distracting myself by playing pokemon with Angel and Brennan on my phone. I've gotten quite a few different luckies now so that's nice. They went on a raid and caught me a mythical since I had to stay at home with the baby and I'm pretty excited for Mewtwo to be the legendary next week. Idk if Alolan Raichu still appears but I'm gonna ne keeping a look out for it because it's one of my top favorite pokemon. Electric psychic am I right??

Also Novovember 11th
pokemon sword and shield.
120$ for game
400$ for switch
520$ sinkhole

We haven't been rocky the last couple of days and I'm hoping it doesn't only last for so long. Denny is gonna be switching off the graveyard shifts it's just not working out for us and the nights are so lonely, let alone waiting for him while he's asleep during the day. I think he will feel better once he doesn't have to work all night and can spend time with me and Rose while we are awake too. She's so happy and perfect first thing in the morning I know he will love it.
  txt / nyfeli / 11d 23h 37m 31s
[Center [size11 [font "MS Gothic" [u September 8th, 2019] (continued)
[Pic https://66.media.tumblr.com/8f0921b9e19f75b6da739f52ff440aa1/tumblr_nump6oAo5g1rxbx0uo3_250.gif] [pic https://66.media.tumblr.com/a1a1d0cded7cc9cd6359a4dab1d277fa/tumblr_nump6oAo5g1rxbx0uo6_250.gif]

Today was not a good day at all. Dennis and I fought all day and he attempted to end his life again. He said over and over I make him feel like he does everything wrong and it makes him want to kill himself. I don't know what I'm suppose to do... I don't talk about the past and I try my hardest to help keep the house in order while also being a stupid housewife for him. I give him all my time and energy and I know that none of this cures depression or suicidal thoughts but I'm so afraid he's going to leave us. He's either going to walk out that door and leave forever or take his life and leave forever with no chance of coming back. Idk what to do. I've been working so hard to rebuild our lives again and make him happy... To even make [u myself] happy as well as him. I know we need to start over but it's hard when he's so determined to just be gone forever. I love him I know I still love him. I can't live without him in my life somewhere.

Idk how to make him feel like he's doing good. It would help if we could get on top of the bills and treat the cat fleas but he's so bad with money and If I bring up that I should be in charge of the budget I'm "rubbing it in his face" which, of course, makes him want to end it all. He has packed up his things to leave me twice now and today he tried to leave then came back and tried strangling himself. I know that's all toxic but I firmly believe that if both of us just work on our own inner happiness we can make it through.

I feel like he doesn't love me back
He says he loves me more than anything

For now I'm just going to work on building up our budget then work from there. I'm sure if I can budget in treats for him and dates for the two of us here and there he'll see that life isn't so bad and even though he feels like dying he doesn't have to. It just breaks my heart because I thought we were getting better... Everytime I have bad thoughts about his past infedility I just distract myself and tell myself that as time passes those memories will fade. I try to trust him with being cautious at the same time, and I try to be loving towards him despite my doubts that he even wants me. I've been trying just as hard as he has been... And I wish he could see that. If he could then maybe he'd want to live.]]

- - -

[Font "Times New Roman" [i This imaginary world collapses when I touch it
No matter how many times I build it up again
Waiting so long has helped me adapt
To the other side of the moon

[b I'm just a lonely god
Far from significant
Loneliness isn't simple
I don't even think about it]

Hey, you were born in the world
What was it like?
Sweet? Spicy? Salty? Bitter?
Or was it sour?
How far away
Is love in this world?
The ominous silhouettes
Resemble a masquerade ball

Round, and round, and round, revolving
Quickly, quickly, quickly spilling out
From the only hole
Sweet, faint, pain, overflowing

This imaginary world collapses when I touch it
No matter how many times I build it up again
Waiting so long has helped me adapt
To the other side of the moon

This imaginary world collapses when I touch it
No matter how many times I build it up again
Hey, look, I can feel it
Is this really my true self?

This imaginary world collapses when I touch it
No matter how many times I build it up again
As soon as I touch it
It collapses and disappears within me



I want to understand
I love you
Without love
This is a world of ruin
  txt / nyfeli / 14d 22h 52m 34s
[Center [Size11 [font "MS GOTHIC" [u September 8th, 2019]
[pic http://i.imgur.com/JvK3eFn.gif]

In order to let go, I needed to erase the bad thoughts from the past.
This is the new beginning entry to my thoughts and worries.
I was once BlissfulStarr or Tonic, I am now Nyfeli
I am 23 years old and the mother of a perfect 10 month old daughter
My relationship was a facade and full of lies that took me years to find out about
But I am determined to make it work, to forgive AND forget and move forward
Because I still love him, and I want my love to be as pure as I thought it once was
Funny how some ecchi fever dream video & song describe can our faults perfectly


- - -]]

[Font "Times New Roman" [i Always, Always
We were always together, weren’t we?
Always, Always
I was always thinking of you
You also felt this way, you were the same
These feelings of ours consumed everything
Back then, back then
I was willing to keep on living

You said that I reflected the true ‘you’
You, filled with sadness, filled with hatred
began idolizing me
This 'idol’ you praise isn’t me - she doesn’t exist
But back then, she was convenient for you
A patchwork of memories

I wonder what will come from your hesitation
I’ll give you hints on how to live your life well
My advice is soft and gentle;
To be an oblate is to live in a present that never advances;
To suddenly change your ways will immediately cut your everyday life in two
We’ll be able to extinguish everything, from the minute we met up until now, just by reaffirming our love
Fall down to the bottom of your consciousness and there I exist - the boundary that you lend your mouth and ears to
I sing as a distraction
In this daily life made out of foam
You are no longer a “sparkling moment” for me

I remember
your
scent

Deep, deep in your consciousness
You remain all alone
On that day, at that time
I dreamt a dream I’d already dreamt before
On that day, at that time
Much like that repeating dream I repeatedly thought of you

I’m far more of a crybaby than you remember me being -
I’m waiting here for you

How are you going to live now?
How are you going to keep living now?

You’ll never change, remaining like this until the day you die
Your true feelings have sunk to the bottom of a deep and dark swamp -
Yes, they’ve built and built until they’ve flooded over

[B The scene - our memories of those times
beautiful memories stacked on top of each other
Wonderful - fantastic - that girl was so much fun
[U You hated that girl]]

I’ve worked hard for myself -
What have you done for yourself?
When you notice the scattered pieces of the mirror
You’ll realize I wanted you to notice

Is this still going on? Is this still happening?
Even though I’d been waiting for you
Even though I loved you

Eternal love only exists in distress
Eternal love certainly doesn’t exist anywhere anymore
  txt / nyfeli / 14d 23h 20m 0s
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