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I really do wish I was someone else
August 17th, 2019
  txt / nyfeli / 18h 35m 17s
[Center [size10 [u august 15th, 2019]

patching up
making changes
trying to love myself

idk if it'll work but it's worth a shot
i want to be back the way we were
only better
  txt / nyfeli / 3d 24m 50s
August 13th 2019

I don't enjoy laying in bed with you the way I did only months ago
I don't feel loved
I don't feel beautiful
I feel like I'm struggling to fucking smile
Like I was so fucking fooled forever
I want to cry every second of the day
Because I don't enjoy the little moments I used to completely cherish
Watching you sleep and petting your hair in the morning hours
Staring at you
The senseless trust I had in you, I just KNEW you were loyal and honest
Being your one and only thought and desire
It was all fucking lies
I'm still with you but I feel like it was all a facade
I can't trust you, not even a little bit
But idk what to do
You were everything that made me happy
And my happiness has run the fuck away
I just wish I were someone else
I wish I was good enough to not get cheated on
I wish I was good enough
I wish I was good enough
I wish you had loved me the same way I loved you
Because now I can't even lay in bed with you and enjoy the cuddles
That safe place isn't there anymore
Was it even there when I used to curl up so happily in love and bliss?

I wish I was good enough
  txt / txt / 5d 6h 42m 16s
i looked at her profile
I had to know what she looked like
She's beautiful
But not on the inside
On the inside she's a disgusting cheater
Who invited you over every single day
Behind her boyfriends back
Until you finally said yes
That night
The ONE night we weren't together
May 2017... So long ago but now haunting me in the present
Idk what to do with myself
It feels like im losing more passion and pleasure as the days pass
But i know even if I left you I'd never be happy ever again
I won't ever be happy again
Not like I used to be
No one new could ever fix it
And neither can you

- august 8th, 2019
  txt / txt / 10d 11h 53m 43s
[center [size10 [b 11:21 AM]] [size11 Sunday, May 19th


Overcaring oversharing distgusting piece of wasted shit
idk why i ever thought I was good enough to feel a happy life]]
  txt / txt / 91d 3h 45m 59s
October 20th, 2018

2 weeks away from Rose's due date.
I'm gping to be a mom
It's barely sunk in.

Denny and I finally have our own place too.
  txt / txt / 302d 6h 46m 54s
June 13th, 2018

Find out the gender of my child in 9 hours
I am up late because... tbh I miss Precious
I hated that I relied on so much
I still don't feel better
I wish I was holding her
  txt / txt / 1y 66d 14h 57m 16s
June 2nd, 2018 saturday

Precious was lost on Tuesday
I woke up and she was no where to be found
I called and looked for hours and hours
Put her favorite things outside where she could smell them
Someone hit her when she was only a few steps away from our yard
She was coming home to me
Her body was still warm when we buried her
They just hit her and kept driving
For the first couple days I kept finding pieces of her collar in the road in front of our house
I can't find her little bell though... and I will never hear it again.

I barely recognize myself in the mirror
It's not like when the hamster died
I feel like every little bit of joy in my life is gone
I keep dreaming about her and waking up in panic mode, crying
I want to be normal again
She isn't laying by the bed anymore, her petbed is gone
I don't hear her jingling bell when I call her to me
No big eyes in the dark followed by those bells at night
I don't fall asleep with her petting my face with her bushy tail
I can't bury my face in her floofy fur when Dennis is at work and I miss him
There's no sweet pretty little kitty waiting for me when I walk up to the house outside... I cry every time I walk up to this house or look at behind the shed where she used to come bolting for me when i called her name
I can't lift her leg and yell foot when she's grooming... and there's no rough tongue to groom and nibble on me when I pet her
She made any situation not so hard...

I woke up one morning to my Precious baby being gone. And she died trying to come home to me.
My face looks completely different to me
Im depressing Dennis because I can't stop crying
He is starting to break from it and I can't fix myself... I'm ruining everything now that I feel so incomplete
I feel no happiness... i don't even feel empty
I want to go back to Monday and just never leave her side
I want to be in my dream where she's with me and never wake up
Idk what to do
If I go outside, she's everywhere in that yard and the neighbors and the little ally where her grave is...
Dennis sobbed as he dug that grave and all I did was cling to her body
My sweet little Precious girl
Why don't people look out for pretty little kitties finding their way home when driving?? She was still only a kitten only a year old
She only wanted to come home to mama after being scared for 10+ hours
We celebrated her adoption birthday only a month ago
We keep finding her little floofballs everywhere
Dennis tried to rip the pages out of my notebook that would remind me of her so I could draw
But... he found her fur in the pages... he didn't realize that... she used to lay on my sketchbook and bite my pen every time I started drawing
I shared every little bit of my time and activities with her
I can't sleep without waking up aching... and I can barely even eat...

I just want to be normal again
  txt / txt / 1y 77d 4h 4m 43s
[Center [size11 [b April 17th, 2018]

11 weeks along, my morning sickness is kicking in hardcore.
Why did it take two hours to puke?
Why was there a giant chunk in it?
Like for real it looked like I chewed 3 pieces of white gum and swallowed it.
  txt / txt / 1y 123d 6h 57m 4s
[Center Feb. 27, 2018

Annnnd I am PREGNANT!
dont worry, my "fun" didnt hurt it.
Due in Oct/Nov... i am so hyped.]
  txt / 1y 172d 5h 47m 23s
[Center February 24th, 2018

Shrooms. Psych. 7pm ate the caps, didnt start frying until i played soul Calibur with Johnny. Can say it was a huge eye opening experience, I even had a lotus flower crystal for focus if i hallucinated... only saw inverted rainbows in the shadows tho. Plus i was FRYING BALLS SO IT WAS SO FUCKING FUN. GREAT TRIP.
  txt / 1y 175d 6h 6m 57s
[Center [pic]]

[Center Jan. 30th, 2018

I will not give up. I will grind harder.
Pay debts. Be a teacher.
Year from now I will be normal.

Psych meds make me too drowsy.
  txt / 1y 200d 4h 56m 40s
Nov 24 2017

Things looking up-down.
That's ok I guess
  txt / 1y 267d 58m 16s
[Center [size10 idk checklist of desires and actual needs

- get vet for Midnight & Precious (500$)
- couch/coffee table/bookshelf
- get therapy animal forms from office next appointment
- 100$ left to hospitals
- 800$ to dentist
- 30 (300$) to phone
- 400$ left for car debt
  txt / 1y 339d 7h 7m 25s
[center [size10 my doctors are really nice and understanding. They're helping me with my mental issues. Everything's gonna be ok.
  kim / txt / 2y 98d 2h 49m 20s

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