[center [size30 [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Ranga:400,700] [div ∔ Get the [b HELL] out.
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Dude a semi ran the red light and almost hit me head on and took out my fucking tail light
I'm so pissed
That was fucking... I'm
S h o o k
God was like "oh... Think you wanna die? Here's a scare" like legit... I could have froze up and been smashed
But I didn't
In the moment I acted quick and saved myself and... MOST of my truck
I could have just let it happen
But I didn't
I'm not ready yet
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I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL SUICIDAL AGAIN
I SHALL NOT
I SHALL IGNORE THE VOICES THAT BECKON ME
I cannot take a step back I cannot
I have to keep going even if no one wants to see me win anymore
I have to force myself through it.
I must for Bear and Lucy and Loki
I must for those who still care
Why is it so hard sometimes.
I WILL NOT hurt myself again
Why must these bad thoughts come back
I was doing so well
Please give me strength
Please pray for me
I don't know whar to do
I must not revert
It will not do anything but make people hate me more
I must not give in
And I won't
It just hurts ao much and I'm so weak
I haven't celebrated a holiday in 2 years it feels like
And every time I see a family in public it hurts
I must keep going.. For myself..
Even if I do not want to anymore
I can hardly breathe right now
One day I will no longer feel this pain
But today is not that day
You don't need weed to feel happy .. Just saying
And my demons are crawling back.
The only ones who comfort me.
I can feel them pull me under
Its so cold but I feel so safe.
For in the embrace of warm loving arms, I am terrified. Because it can change at any moment, and warp into hatred.
I am safest by myself. And with myself I either lose or live.
How can I chose to go on when the memories of loved one's warping my world around me, haunt me. Why go forward when it will just happen again.
What does one do when they are suffocated by lies.
What does one do when reality kills them.
How do I do this
Every fiber in my being wants to give up
This is why I encourage people to stay away from me.
This is why I am scared to have friends. I am legit fucking feral and I don't want to be
I think I want to start meditating. I can't comprehend or keep up with how much my perspective on things keep changing "growing up"
I would cry about abortions being wrong as a kid and now here I am saying it is not okay to force a rape victim to have an unconsented / force baby
I wouldn't get an abortion. But I won't tell others THEY cant... I don't know what they're going through. I know it's upsetting to kill kids.
But someone told me "making abortions illegal only stops safe abortions" and it's deep to think of those women who go and get unsafe abortions and end up dead or sick.
Bad subject I'm not trying to discuss anything with anyone please if you have a different mindset that's okay. This is just who I am. I wouldn't personally get one but if someone needs someone that's them not me.
I saw posts about costumes being offensive and I got upset and couldn't comprehend how it was insensitive to let kids dress up on halloween harmlessly but after being exposed to the topic I have been corrected and shown
Some costumes are very insensitive I get it.
I just wish fictional characters could remain off that list
I saw someone say a white boy shouldn't be allowed to dress as black panther because he isn't black and yeah I should ignore the shit I see on facebook. I got upset saying that's practically racist for one and for two there is an au where the white wolf is 'black panther" aka hunter and Paul told me about other characters that have switched ethnicity in comics too.
I agree indian princess and stuff can be insensitive and the garbs of the people in the black panther movie as a costume could be insensitive too
I just can't agree with super hero costumes being too offensive but there's probably ways to make them offensive people have surprised me before
As an ignorant kid around my 10ish years I ignorantly preached about it being mean to spay or neuter animals "what if they want babies"
Now I see the importance as an adult.
Examples on why I must keep moving forward..
I can never take back shit I'm not proud of but I can try to do better and learn.
Atleast I can accept myself for the most part. Atleast I can be me for the most part.
Everything around me is so complex and I just want to learn..
Guess time to do this math..
I remember crying in frustration because I didn't understand their formulas..
My teacher didn't give up on me and Toru tutored me too
I now know how to divide, find area,
and circumference, radius, median, mean, mode,
Turn fractions into decimals or vice versa, even percentages,
And can even find the missing numbers to shit like :
Some ridiculous shit like that? Yes I can do it now and I'm so proud of myself
I'm not as dumb as I thought I was I guess
I felt so stupid when they showed me how to divide I waa like are you serious.
Being taken out of school fucked my comprehension of math royally
But I aced all my other tests and this is the last one
I can do this shit.. Aye..
God I'm shaking
I knew they would still be mad at me
Fuck my anxiety fuck
I guess I fucking asked for this.
I still feel like someone saying you can't be a victim of racism because you are white is racist
Maybe I really am fucking ignorant
On a side note Coty is doing good keeping this job and I am very proud
And we've been doing pretty well
Found a kitten outside a few weeks back and we took him in so it's the cats the dog and coty and me and it's like a mini family
Coty always brings me food at work and checks up on me
I hope he keeps going well
He mentioned depression so we got some vitamins to help boost serotonin while we wait for texana to help diagnose and ect.
I am so proud of you Coty. Remember anyone can change. You. Me.
Let's try to be better people than we were before
... On a meaner note I do tell him if he can't help out with a job he needs to go. It's not to be mean. I just need help. And I'm sorry I had to be blunt.
When he screamed way back I used to say I would call the cops
Not because I want him in jail
But because he can't rampage in public
And he's realized these situations well
Please keep doing you coty.
I like it when you pick yourself up
Don't fall down
I'll try to be a good support system.
But I myself need work too.
Someone please reassure me I'm not fucking racist for saying that its not okay for caucasions to say the slurs and it's not okay for people of color to call me cracker or white bitch.
Everytime I try to say it's bad for both parties and all races to show any form of racism or discrimination for sex race or gender ect I am met with "whites never suffered or were oppressed as much as blacks" and when I said that's not what I am saying and that it's rude for a person of color to cat call me using "white bitch"
Just like its a taboo to say the N word
If I Persist this argument and say both parties should not show racist tendencies whether big or small No one should do it at all which includes calling me White bitch or when I mention hispanics who beat me up at union schools calling me cracker was racist I'm told it isn't racist and it's just bullying
However if scenario were different if I were black and them white it would be racist and a hate crime
Please tell me I'm not crazy. You can't- that's double standard racism to tell me it's impossible for me to be a victim of racism because I have white skin
That IS racist. It doesn't matter if I don't get it bad like people of color
It hurts and upsets me to be called out by race
How is that white privlege? How am I racist?
I just don't want race to be brought up. It makes mw uncomfortable to be called white bitch. I have been bullied with racist tendencies. Don't say whites can't experience racism anyone can.
I know they get it worse I'm not saying they dont
How I feel is so miniscule to those dealing with worse
But no one should be racist at all
I don't judge by race or gender or sexuality
I will treat You how you treat me.
Why is this such a hard concept to see that it is racist to invalidate how it hurts / makes me uncomfortable when people call me cracker or white bitch?
You know most my friends are people of color now and I'm getting sick of being called "that white girl" my name is Kaylee. Learn it. I'm afraid if I say it makes me uncomfortable I will be invalidated and called racist and told whites can't be victims of hate crimes
... Like the Holocaust never happened or something...
Hope your birthday is nice
On a related note.. I found pictures on facebook with all of them.. And I'm so happy.. I'm so happy I can look back and remember when things were okay..
Bless my heart. I must keep going forward. If it was possible to love like that then it can happen again.. I just have to find the right people.. And do better..
Trial and error.. The way of life..
I feel like it's literally all lies. You don't do what you did to me to people you 'dont hate'
Must not be about me. Doubt it is. Why suddenly pretend like I matter after going after all that trouble to get away from me.
It can't be about me. Maybe I just wish it was. Maybe I wish I still mattered.
But I don't want to. Its complicated.
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I keep bawling
I just randomly remebered a moment when I had colored hair and my iguana would try to nip at my hair because they go after bright colors as food-
It fucking hurts so bad. She was just a lizard and a mean one at that.
But it hurts. It hurts so fucking much. I just kept crying. Because I don't know where she is and if she is okay. I hope she wasn't given to JUST ANYONE because she was VERY MEAN but it ISNT HER FAULT she was still a baby and still learning and most iguanas are pideful and independent and omfg I just wish I could see her one last time why is it hitting me so hard out of nowhere two years later
No for real no pettiness
I know it's my fault
I know everything was my fault
But damn it still hurts me so bad sometimes
I can't go back
I have to keep going forward..
On a good note..
I've got good credit..
I know no one cares but that talent agency wants me back monday so the acting modeling interview was a success
They want to get my headshots and start a resume soon and start looking for gigs for me I can't believe it heh.
They contacted me anyways to reschedule so I guess I'm going saturday lmao
I ended up rescheduling that damn nickelodeon/disney casting interview like 3 or 4 times and finally when my work doesn't interfere I am blocked by the fact Coty has to work and he uses the vehicle to deliver
I didn't even reschedule it this time I just gave up completely I'm THAT annoyed by it
Also my transmission went out but we're fixing it
Also also I get to work for rent :) So i can save money
.... Sigh. I'm alive
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