Well, it was worth a shot I suppose. At least I got a reply.
And I now know that they are doing well.
That's what matters.
Regrets, so many. They are hard to live with at times. I miss my friends. I've lost so many over the past year and I find it so difficult to make new ones. Why cant things be like they were in those first few months? I was so dumb. I pressed my own thoughts and feelings on to someone else and I was completely off base.
I guess that's just how I am.
Perhaps I don't deserve to have any friends. That's why they are all leaving me.
I guess we really are better off this way.
Why does it feel like no matter what answer I give, I am always wrong? Doesn't matter what it's about. Gell it could be just giving my opinion on something and I'm still fucking wrong. If I say I don't want to do something you need to back the fuck off and accept my decision.
Something my SO asked me to write...
Number of times I’ve had to stop because I started spiraling.
Inattentive: This is what is typically referred to when someone uses the term ADD. This means a person shows enough symptoms of inattention but isn’t hyperactive or impulsive.
List of common symptoms. I put the ones that apply - I think- to me in bold. Site say Doctors look for six of these things when diagnosing someone. I marked 8, so seven if you don't add the one from when I was in school. Though I still make silly mistakes on work stuff. Daydreams
Shifts from task to task without finishing anything
[b Becomes easily distracted]
[b Misses important details]
[b Makes careless mistakes in homework and tests] Me when I was in school
[b Gets bored quickly]
[b Has trouble getting organized ]
Doesn’t seem to listen when spoken to
[b Is slow to understand information]
[b Has trouble following instructions]
[b Depression - Persistent Depressive Disorder]
Persistent depressive disorder symptoms usually come and go over a period of years, and their intensity can change over time. But typically symptoms don't disappear for more than two months at a time. In addition, major depressive episodes may occur before or during persistent depressive disorder — this is sometimes called double depression.
Loss of interest in daily activities, Sadness, emptiness or feeling down Tiredness and lack of energy, Low self-esteem, self-criticism or feeling incapable, Trouble concentrating and trouble making decisions, Decreased activity, effectiveness and productivity, Avoidance of social activities, Feelings of guilt and worries over the past, Poor appetite or overeating, Sleep problems.
There’s no maybe on this one. I know I have this, the only question is how badly? Like I know it’s not just normal sadness or “feeling down” because it last way longer than it should. Its stronger than it should be. It happens without logical reasoning. To be honest it doesn't go away. Well I mean when I am with you or like other random weird things but like the second you or the random weird things that I can’t be bothered to list for some reason, are gone, it’s back. The darkness. The alone feeling. The “I’m not one of them.” All that. When I laugh -No matter what it’s about, because believe me, it’s not hard to get me to laugh.- It is a real, true laugh. The second the laugh stops though it’s like I can physically feel myself slid back into the “Darkness”. Like…. Like the feeling a sinking into quicksand maybe? I don’t know. Smiles though, those are easy to fake. I’ve mastered faking those. You are the only person I can honestly say I never fake a smile for.
[b Eating Disorder]
Okay so as far as this one goes, I don’t think it’s a legitimate thing I got I just know that there are days -like twice last week this happened- where I’m just not hungry and if I do eat, it makes me sick. But like I know I have to eat something, not good to go without eating. Oh I just remembered that yesterday -Monday- that happened again, Though I did make myself eat dinner. Another thing that happens is I just straight up forget to eat, like if I have a super active day or like a project or something that takes all of my attention then I will forget to eat, I won’t get hungry and like unless someone else say something about food, I’ll think nothing of it being a thing that needs to happen.
[b Social anxiety]
Social anxiety disorder. Also called social phobia, this involves overwhelming worry and self-consciousness about everyday social situations. The worry often centers on a fear of being judged by others, or behaving in a way that might cause embarrassment or lead to ridicule.
I tend to turn this one into a joke. “I hate people that’s why I never go out.” But like I have no desire to go out and be anywhere I know people are going to be. Or at least just large numbers of people. Like I can go to a park no problem. But like family stuff that isn’t my immediate family, I hate doing. I look for reasons to not hang out with “friends” or go to parties. Like I am starting to second guess going to get that desk with Maddie and i don’t know why honestly. Break 3 But at the same time this could all just be me being stupid because like I am fine at work and I love going shopping… most of the time. I love going to the family reunions every year. And weird random stuff like that. I don’t know. Then again it could just be a part of the depression.
[b Sleep Disorder]
I don’t even know about this one honestly. I just know I am more awake at night than I am during the day. Like no matter how much sleep I get, I am tired the next day. And no matter how tired I am during the day, I am wide awake once night falls.
Then there is the whole “I am a worrier” thing. I worry about everything. I worry about stupid things. I worry about things I have no control over. I worry about things I know I do not need to worry about. Literally everything. You name it, I worry about it.
See now, do I go into details on that? I’m going to sit here for like twenty minutes trying to figure out if I should or not. Break 4 Like there are things I know 100% with all my heart that I should not worry about and that I have no reason to worry about….but I do. And I feel horrible for it. Like…. Am I stupid for falling so god damn deeply in love with a seventeen year old, let alone someone on the other side of the god damned world. Or is it just a game? Or do you actually believe me when I say that I love you. Do you believe me when I say I want to believe in you? Do you really want to come over here just to see me? Why me? Why am I worth it? I’m not. You are crazy to think I am. I’m crazy for letting you think that I am. I’m not-.
That’s a thing I think we best not dive into.
But also keep in mind that I am a very happy, positive, cheerful person. I put my 100% all into everything I do and am more than willing to chase my impossible dreams. I do not let people tell me I can not do something.
I do not know why I even bother trying sometimes. It's insane really. Isn't it? Too keep going so confidently? To think I can achive these nearly impossible things? Why do I think I am so special as to be that one in a million that it works for? What gives me the right to think so highly of my self? Hmm? Nothing. Nothing at all. Yet that is that I so strongly believe in... most of the time. Then there is times like this were I start to question and I hate that I question, I hate that my belief starts to falter. All I want it to dream and beleive whole heartedly. That is all I ask for. Alas I live in a mind full of questioning and self doubt. My fight to beleive will be an eternal one.