☆ ᴛʜᴏᴜɢʜᴛs ᴏғ ᴀ ғɪᴇɴᴅ ☆

/ By Hostile [+Watch]

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I would try to argue with you that you can’t even begin to comprehend how I actually feel but.... I said goodbye.

And it further proves my point that it was best for me to say goodbye to our closeness.

The stab still hurts but the taste is so addicting, right?

Alright. Now that I should probably move past something that’s already disgustingly a week old, let me just say the MAGICIANS REALLY HAD THE AUDACITY TO DO THIS

The series really shoulda ended awhile ago but it’s so good.
  ʟᴀɢᴇʀᴛʜᴀ / Indefinite / 144d 21h 11m 8s
[center You know I should be much more eager to connect with people considering the lengths I have gone through trying to stay in touch with them... But I'm not. Not eager at all.

I just see another failed friendship waiting to happen. I know they say "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" but me being me I'm quick to grow bitter.

Bitter that I cherished people who hurt me in ways I never thought possible. Bitter that I always throw in lifeline for the clearly failing relationships I maintain. Still giving the last words between us.

The only ones who stay are the ones who cling to the thought of romance, but even then I have to pull the plug. Their need to contain and change me suffocates the spark of happiness. In both of us.

My life is never in place all at once.

I was happy with an old love, but work got in the way. Then after that brick was loose the tower crumbled. Out of the two of us, the only one who truly put in the work was me. Typical. Why is the other party always so weak? I'm happily not wasting away in "eternal happiness" with him. Threats kept me chained, empty promises fed to make me stay-somehow they really thought I wouldn't be in any pain. Swayed by no action on powerful words always guided me to the next day and the next day.

One point the only thing that kept me going was my pay. Loveless marriage was being cooked as my plate, no matter what I had to say. About my own feelings of loss. The death of another failed relationship lay in my arms. How did it all go astray?

My own friend, who knew me better than I myself-my soul mate, not sex kind-would rather throw it all away. I know, I speak with full hypocrisy, I know who was there when I fell asleep belly full of chemicals and my chosen "last meal". You were there. It's strange to want to change so suddenly, right? You didn't expect I'd take action to improve myself and therefore leave you in the dust. It wasn't fair to either of us that I was ready but you needed more time for self-pity.

My own blood that I forged such a strong fondness with. Our voices together were echos of our shared minds. You were always much more clever, so much better with being so lovable. So unforgettable. Yet no matter how kind-you could even be told you were divine-you would never be fine without the highs that those lows gave you. What a dangerous game you consistently played that I played off as you never being given the proper chance to thrive-alike to me. It wasn't time-not for you anyway, to let go of the addiction of admiring those skies you got to see when you finally hit rock bottom again. History repeats itself and you were always clever, my dear, which is why you needed to occupy your mind. Whatever was in your face or in your reach you needed it to rule your life. You need love, which I bled for you, but it wasn't what you want. You can't heal if you can't let go of the blade that wounds you.

So goodbye to my lover who couldn't accept the consequences of your actions; goodbye to my friend who was so fit by my side better than my favorite tightly knit sweater; goodbye to my light whom I always shadowed; goodbye to the friendships I tried to ignite but was only snuffed by the "seen" notification after the message was sent.

Hello, to the graveyard of those seeds I've relentlessly tended. They died, like tadpoles in spring. No reason or rhyme, just born to die. Almost like their genetics decide whether or not if they shall lay down and never open their eyes again.

My heart
it cries
and lathers in comfort of my own self made family.
  ʟᴀɢᴇʀᴛʜᴀ / Indefinite / 144d 23h 1m 9s
How about @ me next time you think shits about you lmao
What ever
People on some other shite lmaoo
After letting it all go I feel clear

I feel


Maybe I’m just not awake enough to process it but
I’m ok with this

I’m ok with not finding a person I connect with like I did with him
It hurts a lot
I have someone who makes sure I am happy and healthy
And that’a more than I could ever ask for
My best friend is my bf but I’m okay with that too
I always found it hard not having a best friend who wasn’t solely platonic
It doesn’t matter though haha

In my heart I feel like he still is after all these years
I think I still hold my breath hoping he’s realized he wants to do better

But I’m ok if he never will be

I definitely know that
Friendships won’t ever be as easy on my end like it was with him

But that’s ok
I’m happy irl
I’m loved irl
And I’ve never been so emotionally healthy before

If no one wants to share that with me then

What matters is I save the relationships I still have
Not the ones that tumbled years ago

I love my Alex thank you for finding me
I’ve got everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend and a love
You’re really from heaven like I first said about you
I’m fucking angry
I’m fucking angry
Angry angry angry
I’m furious
And frustrated
I’m enraged
I want to cut everyone off
I want to hurt myself
I want to slice into my skin so deep so I can feel
Feel anything besides anger
Anger for everything about this

The more I try to fucking reason that I shouldn’t cut everyone off the more angry and resentful I feel

Why can’t I
Why can’t I cut off someone when I’ve cut other out for the same stupid shit

Why can’t I be fucking angry
Why am I not allowing myself to be angry

Don’t fucking come near me I’m ready to come off at any fucking moment
  ᴛsᴜɴᴅᴇʀᴇ ʙᴏɪ / Indefinite / 148d 13h 59m 37s
I think at this point I’m exhausted when it comes to friends.

Not that it’s anyone’s fault.

I just am exhausted.

I love people with all my heart.

And that shit hits hard.
I guess what I’m saying is I’m done.
I make excuses for everyone, I make excuses for people who don’t deserve it. Granted I always give everyone the benefit of the doubt. They deserve that much.

But once again I am staring the truth in the face, and the truth is when my good friend says something about someone, it’s pretty accurate.

It’s good to be able to rely on him for an ear tbh. I shouldn’t make this thing about me, because it doesn’t directly affect me. I just always have too high of hopes for people. I thought my last best friend would change. I thought if he had the chance, love, and support he could thrive.

But his mother told me “only he can help himself.”

I know I have so much to give.

But I give it voluntarily and it needs to stop.

Thanks, Universe. Message understood.

I’m not going to enable anything. I haven’t for awhile. And this is the aftermath I’m choosing to act out.

I shouldn’t feel bad. This is what I need to do for my own health. I care too much. And I need to cut off the point where I need to choose myself.
  ᴛsᴜɴᴅᴇʀᴇ ʙᴏɪ / Indefinite / 149d 19h 48m 32s
Ugh has it been a week yet I wanna hold my baby she’s settled in right? Lmao

I know it’s especially hard when my big ol hand comes swooping in from the top and their instincts say “omg I’m gonna get fuckin ate” but I’m so prepared to love her wholeheartedly
  ʟɪᴇʙᴇ / Indefinite / 171d 12h 56m 2s
Lily ate today! She took the pinkie well. I didn’t expect her to want to eat because of the stress of moving. She’s under the paper towel to sleep... I’m assuming that’s just how she’s gonna sleep until her quarantine is done.

Don’t get shrimp folks. It’s traumatizing seeing them all die. TAT
In the wild fish thrive in garbage water and then when you have a tank they’re like “nope this water is slightly high in PH so imma fuckin die” my heart huuurts

Especially for my love who is very frustrated and disheartened by this.

I only wish I could take away his sadness. :(
I love him and it hurts my heart two times more when he is hurt.
  ʟɪᴇʙᴇ / Indefinite / 172d 14h 4m 6s
I got lily today and she is hiding under the paper towels. Well... in between the paper towels. I’m glad we went all the way to make her a hide and she chose the quarantine substrate to snuggle up in.

Two weeks.
And I can start and try taming her. :3c
  ʟɪᴇʙᴇ / Indefinite / 173d 21h 50m 39s
Had a dream that was a sequel to one I apparently had before.

Group of friends who grew up in the same neighborhood were going through a rough time. They’ve all grown into young adults and they really started to realize they’re just a little too different. A particular pair, a girl and a boy, had realized they were especially fond of one another. But they had traveled back in time. Because they wanted to stop a tragic disappearance of hundreds of people. Including the girl, who was lost in space due to the event. After traveling back in time, the boy wanted to savor his moments with her. The group was so happy to be reunited they were oblivious to the doom they knew was approaching. The group had looked to the sky, which flickered in colors. One of the boys said, “this is it, this is where some of us disappear. We have to run. We can’t be separated.” So away from the waves of unknown energy they ran. Only to feel the impacts of the tide, leaving everything around them covered in a translucent blue sparkle.which they knew marked them as the objects that would be taken. The girl and the boy held each other’s hands tightly. Except they came to a dead end. The sidewalk in front of them was zapped before them and the looked around to escape. The girl lost her balance in all the havoc, and lost her grip. The boy was quick, and immediately reached out for her hand. With all his strength he dove towards her to catch her before she fell. Only to see her existence phase in and out of his hands. She was disappearing. And it was too late for him. She was falling through everything around her.

Here’s where the story gets funky because it’s a dream. I saw in the POV of the girl. My hands caught my ghostly fall. And it was deeply penetrated with a strange yellow grass. Which stung so much, I could barely keep my tears in.

My mother was contacted to calm my sobs. And although I was but a ghost she came to visit me. Ever since the incident she became a hunter of people.

And I got to watch the past play over and over again. Noticing every detail that aided in the boy maturing into the person the girl loved.

That’s some of what I remember. There are other strange things I didn’t mention but I can’t really depict them anyhow. Lol.
  ʟɪᴇʙᴇ / Indefinite / 189d 6h 14m 59s
Alex watching Akame Ga Kill: why does [Esdeath] have to be so hot

  ʟɪᴇʙᴇ / Indefinite / 190d 14h 36m 50s

Thanks brain I love thinking about my shit exes

I haven’t seen Travis in over half a year and the thought of him still gets to me.

And his family.

It’s over now though.

And I’m so much happier.

I keep wondering if this is the honey moon phase, but I’m so sure now this is just what it’s like with my love.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think how lucky I am.

I never believed anyone when they said that. But now I get it.

Makes me even question if my exes meant it. Not that I didn’t question it before, but to love someone like this? I don’t think they’re capable.

Never a dull moment without you, my love. If this is the honey moon phase then why are we still so fascinated with each other like we were since day one?

And I can say that because I was so flirty, haha. You sounded so perfect I thought you might not be a good fit for me. But you’re so perfect for me. Like I said before, I’d suffer a whole lifetime without you if it meant we would meet again in the next. Because the life I had before you made zero sense until I got you.
  ʟɪᴇʙᴇ / Indefinite / 192d 4h 38m 11s
I mean
If he talked tf up his ex and said y’all probably weren’t gonna last
Is he [i really] that great

I suppose just not great enough for you
You deserve so much better
  ʟɪᴇʙᴇ / Indefinite / 195d 15h 7m 0s
You ever catch up on some drama you've been opting out of because the people are all around dumpster fires and you've got 39480257 things on your mind so you save it for times when you're bored and free? Well I was free moments ago and


man some bitches never change
  ʟɪᴇʙᴇ / Indefinite / 198d 16h 50m 35s

Here we go again

I don’t know what’s the mater with me
  ʟɪᴇʙᴇ / Indefinite / 198d 23h 37m 43s

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