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Damn 43 days later and nothing changed lol
ah to be young and not care about how stupid you sound or look
Through all the misery I had one constant.
Funny how the things you depend on fail you the minute you rise up.
It’s unbearable to love those who hurt you.
I’m used to it.
And I do have one thing most people don’t have. Bless this beautiful boy.
Also he got me a pc and it’s coming in this week I’m fucking heavy breathing, dude.
I thought about how I said I was going to give my laptop to them but now I can’t even do that. Because we ain’t talking. Rochelle will just probably be handed off to Ben though.
Weird of me to say, but I really love friends with aspergers. Their minds are so different and opening up to them is an adventure. I was always hesitant with people on the spectrum because I usually tolerate nothing when it comes to “inconsiderate behavior” but then I forget if I meet the person and realize they’re human I understand.
Although Ben has a hard time understanding his situation is all because he still lives with his parents, I appreciate that boy. He has friends yet he still bops in on me. It’s a genuine friendship and I appreciate that.
That boy deserves more. I really want to buy a house and have Ben in it because he deserves a comfortable chance at life. Granted that boy will let things go if given the chance.... lmao. He can do it all though.
I really just love helping people I guess.
That house we saw would’ve been perfect for that.... had the boys not been born with freakishly tall genes lol. They tower over their parents-fucking how? LOL.
It’s bittersweet thinking about my hypothetical plans of living in a big house with friends who I loved wholeheartedly.
It’s heartbreaking knowing that the closest I’ve ever gotten to that was with them. It was a dream living with them. I just wish things didn’t go like they did. But that wasn’t on me. They don’t even care anymore lol. I shouldn’t.
I’m just a fool who loves reminiscing. But never lost in the past.
I miss you and I hope you've been doing well. It's crazy to think we haven't spoke in nearly a year. I never held it against you for not staying in touch. But I miss you.
I always miss the ones who don't stay in touch.
I always love each person with all of my heart.
Better to love and lost than to not love at all, right?
I'm remembering how lonely I am and how much I've wanted to play MMOs but no one wants to play them with me.
I'm sure you would've and we would've had so much fun.
But I don't wanna bother you. I just miss you.
This new event on acnh has got me on my toes
And by that I mean I really fucking want more goddamn earth eggs
I also am begging you, Nintendo, fucking make it easier to catch petals
I need to cover any open walking space with petal piles
Also please donate leaf eggs to me thanks
Person: unfriend me if you don’t like x
Me: kinda hard to unfriend you if you keep crawling back????
You said “unfriend you” not “lmk if you don’t like this so we can never talk again”
They always come back lmao
I ain’t got the energy to block all 74819864 accounts you have
Just go take a nap you fucking baby lmao
You ain’t worth the energy to unfriend
Me: not gonna think about it or bother with it anymore
Also me: ACTUALLY
I’m a whole ass mess lmfao
I’m so happy I can laugh about this already tbh
While everything still hurts, what’s done is done
And when you’re busy counting only loses you forget the blessings you have.
I won’t forget.
Took a personality test today because we were watching Brooklyn Nine Nine. And tbh mine hit really fuckin close to home. As of late.
“Campaigners hold their friends in an unrealistic light, expecting them to keep up with the constant flow of ideas and experiences that they consider integral to life.”
“Campaigners tend to get deeply involved in others’ lives, going to great lengths and efforts to be the selfless, caring and supportive people they are, and all the while forget to take care of themselves. Both in terms of basic needs like financial stability and rest, as well as more emotional needs like mutual understanding and reciprocation, Campaigner personalities tend to give much more of themselves than most are even capable of giving back. This sort of imbalance isn’t sustainable, as (seemingly) one-sided generosity often leads to criticism and resentment on both sides.”
I practically worship my loved ones and tbh it’s so bad for me.
As for career advice they said as long as I’m working with people I’m set. I hate people though. But I love them! But they suck. People fucking suck. They also say I do not work well with being micromanaged and a work hierarchy is not ideal.
So not much help either lmao.
I’m still so baffled how I didn’t see the signs. The signs that I didn’t need to give it my all and more than I was capable of.
But I did that. I don’t do that just for anyone. So I thought it was okay.
I would’ve sold my soul if it meant they’d be happy.
My mom also said to me “people love being the victim” and tbh if they wanna play victim all the time-okay. Be the victim of your own undoing. My hands are off the table and I’m walking away.
I at least held myself responsible for hurting them. I didn’t just say “lol oops what ever deal with it.” I made sure I felt comfortable with leaving them in everyone else’s hands. But fuck me, right?
Fuck me for pursuing the first healthy relationship of my life. From the get go Alex has always been for what’s best for me.
I even talked to Gary about it whether or not it was a good idea. He said “it’s impulsive but what do you have to lose? You have a backup plan. You have a home you’ve made for yourself here. Go and chase this.” I thought real fucking hard before I did what I did.
So for one I’m glad we had what ever this is. A falling out? Fuck it. Fuck me for wearing my heart on my sleeve, giving them more than I’ve even gave LOVERS and taking a shot at something that WOULD NOT risk my healthy progress.
Travis was impulsive, yes. But you know what? I don’t regret it. I’m mad he did the things he did. He helped me grow. Also the breakup is not following my life everywhere. Score 84719 for me.
I. Didn’t. Put. Everything. On. The. Line. Again.
That’s the difference between the two of us.
Even Travesty has his benefits. I got a job, friends-no a family, a home in Interlochen, a therapist, a dentist. I was doing big girl shit. That toothless clown has only one benefit. To feed their need for affection. No need for me to explain all this, because it’s obvious between him and Alex who’s the fucking winner. Even Travis was more of a goddamn winner. A pedophile. Can you believe I’m saying a pedophile made my life better than some ex drug addict who passed tf out when he should be supervising his kid? Who btw hasn’t changed in all the years Faith has known him. He’s given Faith her kid. Yeah. That’s all the good he’s brought her.
So I’d like to see them compare my choices to theirs. I saw a liability to my mental well-being and I escaped. Tried anyway for a year.
Me and them, not alike after all. Ha. After all this time.
It’s 2020 folx.
We don’t get into relationships with shitty people we knew were shitty.
Despite my mom not being very understanding and unbelievably harsh LOL I love that woman.
I’m so proud to have her as a mother and I’m happy to have a good relationship with my mom.
Me: they’re talking about me, right?
Me: Nah that would mean I’m actually important LMAO
I had a really nice talk with Ben.
About exes and how relationships get so sour right before our eyes.
I miss opening up like this.
But at the same time I know only a few people deserve it.
Ben you’re a fighter. And I’m always rooting for you my guy. You know your brother and I care about you. We’re here for you.
Murenase? You mean...
Wolf girl x human boy
And human girl x every other species of girl
I ship hitomi with literally every girl tbh
So I decided to make my own cute lil OC and she was gonna be a cat lizerd but biologically makes no sense so she’s just a reptile who gives love bits and has scales where her skin I driest because she loves basking in the sun. Some days she won’t even move until she looks like a crisp scaley monstrosity. Her human skin dries into the shape of scales when she does not moisturize.
She is frequently v dirty because she loves to explore and dig around to kill time. Will claim she hates baths but the second her legs are submerged she will relax and even fall asleep in the tub. She loves head scratches and loves when people rub her back and belly. Her favorite food is a variation of leafy greens, vegetables, seafood, and very rarely meat.
She’s very territorial and does not like when people hover around her. She will how ever try and intimidate by making herself look bigger. Knowing this never works, she often hides behind others
I’m falling asleep. More on her later
why aren't there more a2 content???
i could have made this longer smfh
bruh if I had known a headache from nail polish would make me not think about anything woulda just huffed that shit like mad LMAO
I trimmed my hair today and it was v amusing
I’m so bored in self isolation tbh
When ever I’m antsy I beg to go outside
Now I just nap
The ultimate escape
Obvi I’ve been thinking a lot lately
A lot about how much better off I am.
My health needs to come first. I’ve gotten this far. Which is so far! I’m so proud of myself.
The platform really made me think about life. The movie was good.
I get crazy confined for a few days. Not that I can’t go outside but I don’t like people esp how they are now.
People have their own story. I know mine. No one cares to hear it though lmao. That’s okay. I don’t like people. I like me. I dislike me. I have all sorts of complex feelings about myself. It’s only human.
I’m so thankful I have someone who loves me like Alex does. Makes me feel like life is worth it even when shit doesn’t feel like it. He also just loves to make me laugh when he knows something is off.
Now that I think of it
You’re not capable of totally despising someone.
This whole thing is funny to me now actually.
Funny because I know this isn’t it.
I know your tendencies and I know mine. I don’t doubt that what ever happens will happen.
It’s not my business to care about you because at this point, it will never be enough.
I’ll teach myself to ignore you so I don’t have to feel this way again.
Like it’s my responsibility to take care of someone when they’re not putting 100% in taking care of themselves. An outlet can be healthy. It doesn’t have to be toxic like you chose it to be. All these years we “called out” toxic people and when you had your time to prove you could be better than what they made you to be you went along with it. Doesn’t matter if it’s because you were hurt I left. Everyone has a life and it can’t always revolve around you. I loved you and leaving you hurt me but knowing I could see you again saved me.
You claim this distance is what I created but I felt like there wasn’t any at all. So wouldn’t that mean you made it after all?
All this thinking made me realize what’s the point in fighting you about me being upset when you wouldn’t even bother talking your feelings out to me. I was willing to be open to you. You just bottled it up and decided what was best was to attach yourself to the nearest fuck up who we both didn’t like. Probably just to spite me.
I don’t care if I do visit and you’re over. I can be mature and still talk to you. I’m not saying you won’t be.
I’m saying I’ve had enough loving people who put in the work to be better than to enter a toxic relationship they knew was toxic. Faith says it’s because you weren’t raised right, but my dad wasn’t raised right. Didn’t make it okay for him to abuse his ex wife. It never makes anything okay. You’re an adult. You are being held responsible for what you do. Children even are held responsible for the trouble they make. You didn’t shit your pants in your sleep, you found some way to connect to a shitty person and thought you deserve at least this much. You deserve a connection with someone because you’re touch starved.
I was touch starved too. But I didn’t fuck with someone who can’t even support himself or his kid even with help. I fucked with someone I knew was together. I didn’t fuck with someone who I knew would definitely bring the worst out of me. I left travis to be better. To be treated better. You ghosted Paul and in half a year if things blow up in your face you’re going to message him again hoping he’s changed because you two are karmic soulmates. How many times does it have to be before you learn your lesson? He doesn’t want to change. You don’t want to change. I learned my lesson. It’s why I’m so mad and disappointed.
I hate even dragging this out but it won’t leave my mind no matter how many days pass by.
Call it beating a dead horse but I will always love you and loving you is obviously bad for me.
I can’t believe I feel like an awful friend for saying that. For saying loving you hurts me. When it’s the fucking truth. Sorry I wasted your time and got you to care about what we had only for me to find out it was bad for me anyway. I’m sorry you won’t ever feel loved enough to take better care of yourself.
I only “dismissed all your progress” because the relationship you are in affects the environment I put you in. Faith. Work. Friends. Seeing Gary. Because you made progress in Maine and lived with that fucking nut job only to spiral back to shits again. Jay is the key to you spiraling again. How many times can I say this for you to process that?
Yeah you don’t feel like killing yourself now, but when you and jay have problems he’ll treat you just like he treated faith right in front of us. He will tear apart the life you built there and who will help you then? It can’t be me anymore. I can’t cry myself to sleep again knowing someone is out there trying to kill you again all because you decided to hang around bad people.
I can’t believe I have to try and confirm with other people that I’m not wrong for not wanting to be your friend anymore. I have to have multiple people tell me “if they don’t want to rise up with you then you can’t do anything about it”.
I wish you the best. I’ll try and not care about what ever it is we are anymore. You closed yourself off. You were the only one who felt there was an end. I’m sorry I hurt you and I always will be. But I never failed for a second to try and be a good friend even if I moved away. I was open to you 100% and if you can’t put in that work that’s not my fault.
Coco taught me that. I had to learn a second time that people who refuse to change have to stray because misery loves company.
I couldn’t sleep at night sometimes without pretending I was next to you. I always wanted to sleep in the same spot as you because I loved you. But I felt like I was coming on too strong and I said “you’re an adult just sleep by yourself”. I wanted to be where you were and it hurt me every time you did things I knew wasn’t good for you. This is the cut off.
Jay isn’t cigarettes, Jay isn’t sleeping in bed all day, Jay isn’t bottling your feelings. Jay is worse than all those other depression induced habits.
Sorry I give a shit.
Sorry I left to try and start the life I always wanted.
I have it now. I’m happy. I may not have much friends anymore and I may not mean much to anyone, but I’m happy. I don’t drink alcohol every minute I feel remotely sad. I open up to someone instead. When I don’t want to take care of myself I do it because I know it’s good for me. It’s work. It’s exhausting. But I thought I had you with me doing it. Not anymore I guess.
So what ever. Wish I could just say “I don’t care” about you and be okay with it. Because I do care. So deeply. And I’m okay with what ever this turned out to be. I wanted answers. I got it.
Everyone says it’s better off if I just drop it.
Maybe I am?
I don’t know. Just know it’s at a stand still and tbh I’m comfortable with it.
I believe I got approved for unemployment. Crazy huh?
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