☆ ᴛʜᴏᴜɢʜᴛs ᴏғ ᴀ ғɪᴇɴᴅ ☆

/ By Hostile [+Watch]

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[center Sometimes I feel bad. Why? Because such intrusive terrible self-destructive thoughts come to my head. My dreams don't help much either.

I treasure my love. He is my everything. If there is any pain he takes it away. If I don't want to grab something he fetches it. He is here to love and support me in ways I don't deserve.

I am a lazy ass, yes, but I've definitely come to terms with the fact I probably won't be able to get a job. Without it significantly deteriorating my mental health. I've honestly considered SSI for my mental health because truth be told it really is in the way of me living life. Including supporting myself. So many other people have it worse but can't get it. It doesn't feel right doing it, y'know? But I'm not supposed to worry about others. Just myself. I tend to get a smidge overboard with caring.

I fear people will judge me if I attempted to get SSI. Not that I care if they do... I just fear it because I know I'm not genetically unlucky. I fear getting it because I feel like other people deserve it more than me. But I suppose if they're not reaching for it, it's okay to take a shot.

I've entertained the idea for so long but I am afraid to mention it to people. I have so many friends who suffered and endured more than me. I'm not trying to throw a pity party but I always feel like I am 100% incapable of handling anything. I have zero passion for anything that could get me money. Am I not trying hard enough? Am I just not creative enough?

It's not like I'm depressed to the point I want to die ASAP. I think if I did, things would be a lot easier for others. I'm so very happy with my life. I am. However, when I look at price tags or things I want I feel bad for even wanting it. It's not something I've earned.

The complexity of human emotions, right?

Textbook wise, I qualify for SSI. Regardless I am the happiest I've ever been.

The intrusive dreams I have where I watch myself fall in love with other people have me questioning myself. This has always happened to me. When I was small I had dreams I would cheat on my partner, even if I didn't have anyone. I feel like some part of me loves the thrill of flirting with new people and playing with hearts. Who wouldn't? I enjoy it so much in my dreams. Then my brain goes, "lol now remember you're dating Alex and wanting to be with someone else is wrong." That fucks me up so much.

Infidelity is something that scares me.

Always has.

Yet the rush of meeting someone new feels so great.
If I didn't already have Alex.

I would be fucking stupid to throw that all away.

Being with Alex makes me feel so much better than meeting new people. I can't really explain how... I'll try of course, haha. It means being with someone you know. Not finding out things you'll like or dislike about a person. The unknown is exciting, but it's comforting knowing your life is with someone you never get tired of.

When I spoke to new people I got bored of them so fast. Alex doesn't bore me. He bothers me to look at beetles he makes me see every day. LOL. It's adorable how much he loves watching them grow.

It's why I hate these dreams. These dreams that make me think I'm in a new fresh relationship then reminds me that I am in reality with someone wonderful. I wouldn't want to hurt people I love. The dilemma starts with me knowing I have to choose but not wanting to. I wake up seeing Alex. That terrifies me. I didn't choose. I just wake up knowing Alex is real and my dream was a dream.

My brain loves throwing me in terrible moral happenings and I know it's only what I make of it-that doesn't mean it doesn't make me unsettled.

[hr ]

I've been applying to jobs but when I see they reviewed my application, I want to back off. I want to hide.

I've attempted in doodling a YCH to try and get some rep but my artist brain isn't on my side.
  ᴊᴏʏ / Indefinite / 132d 22h 15m 33s
[center [pic https://i.imgflip.com/39osmx.png]
Me: role playing means writing and I’m too depressed to write
Also me: writing is a creative outlet that’s good to battle depression

And so it continues
  ᴊᴏʏ / Indefinite / 133d 12h 40m 53s
I thought at least the public school systems would teach the children to somewhat write structured papers. No? Once again, just me, LOL.

Not only does this writing have no clear transitions, but it also doesn't clarify what it is discussing. Half of the thesis statement doesn't make sense. The phrasing is not looked over-clearly, "why happiness has its way around others" -I'm sorry, what?

Not only did you advertise the sorry excuse of an "essay" you couldn't even support your nonexistent thesis with any sources. I'm aware not all essays require sources to prove your point, but you have to have some background knowledge about the topic to even support your thesis-you know what? You do need sources. I lied. Knowing what you're talking about requires you to convince others what you see. Or in this case what your "study" is showing.

Anyway what do I know I hate writing papers.

[hr ]

[tab ]So I guess I done fucked my day because I forgot to take my daily meds until now. Ugh. It makes me wonder if that's why I've been semi-upset. I really don't want to put all the pressure on Alex. Especially since I am perfectly capable of getting a job... It's been bothering me for quite some time but he said he would rather me jobless than being miserable at another Wendy's-like job.

I just don't have anything that would get me a job that wouldn't chip away at my mental health. My mental health deteriorates even now without a job, just knowing I can't help out with getting a new house.

Meh. I'm just useless.

I've come to terms with it.

[hr ]

Well apparently Nikole blocked me and I have no idea why she did, but it is what it is. It's fine, I only wish her the best. But it isn't gonna happen with Robert around. If she didn't like hearing that then shit sucks. I don't like him. She deserves better. Whatever.

It hurts, yes, but people will cut people off for their own reasons. I'll live with it. I was just worried she died or something LOL. But nah. She's perfectly fine. Of course she is.

[hr ]

Now that I'm done rambling about irrelevant things including my hopelessness for finding income, I just want to say that I have been feeling indifferent about my life.

By that I mean I think I would be better off leaving people alone. Y'know?

My loved ones, my friends, my everything. I tend to have a "reverse midas touch."
  ᴊᴏʏ / Indefinite / 134d 17h 13m 42s
So the other day we were at his parents house and puppy dead ass looks at me like I’m gonna give him food so I went “puppy look” and did the ole GOTCHA BITCH hand sign thing

You know
The one that looks like the ok sign
Idk why it’s funny but I know it’s funny

In case y’all were on the fence about whether or not I’m fucking amazing

The answer is yes

Still on the fence about being my friend?

The answer is no don’ta toucha me I’m traumatized
  ʟᴀɢᴇʀᴛʜᴀ / Indefinite / 136d 12h 35m 11s
I had a bad moment

I read an article of a mother recording her son saying he wants to die. :( he comes home everyday wanting to die and..... it hurts my heart that a child genuinely has made attempts to die. Children should be children and it hurts my heart that other children can be so cruel. How ever he has so much support from so many people because his mom posted that video, he even got a personal video from his favorite sports team and he’s getting a chance to play at Disney... I’m feeling better reading that people would unite to make a boy with dwarfism feel better. He’s just a kid. And just because you are born different doesn’t mean you’re less worthy of a good life. I’m so happy he knows strangers care.

Strangers always care. Everyone should remember that. If a stranger heard you wanted to hurt yourself they’d stop you. Even not knowing the whole story. You are worthy of life and love.
  ʟᴀɢᴇʀᴛʜᴀ / Indefinite / 137d 21h 22m 9s
[center the past few days I've just been working on my dream stories hence my absence.

I have some rough sketches of the first four characters and admittedly I'm a bit worn down creatively but maybe I'll be able to push myself more. Pushing yourself to do the things you love helps. Especially hobby-wise. Breaks tend to encourage the silence of your creative mind.

It's just hard.
I don't want to forget the people I've met through my mind. I can't recreate them perfectly, but dreams are distorted. Dreaming neglects the truths that live in the waking world. Dreaming is the fabric of possibilities and the reality is the put together dress. The strings may not be there, so it frays and falls apart. The scraps or thrown away and forgotten, once you've cut the outline of the dress. Dreams give you more than could be possible. Sometimes the needles are rusted and dull... Sometimes your hands misguide you; the dress is misshapen.

Life greets you with such unaccounted variables.

I've been binge-watching Handmaid's Tale with Alex and my god this is such greatly written. The characters are very multi-dimensional, which is written with such great care. When a multitude of people go this far to give a show a colorful cast, with a spectrum of love and hatred. It shows that they care to give people something to invest in, to cherish, to feel emotions they didn't think were possible. To sympathize with fictitious people who could very well exist near you.

I just love that there are people out there willing to work hard to make such wonderful works that shake you emotionally. That haunt your thoughts and question your morals.

I really want more burgers.
  ʟᴀɢᴇʀᴛʜᴀ / Indefinite / 137d 23h 38m 11s
christians: we are good people
also christians:
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FRd0aUt4Tm4]

[center ]
[center ]
jokes aside wassup world I'm gonna try writing today
  ʟᴀɢᴇʀᴛʜᴀ / Indefinite / 140d 14m 32s
Hi I’m a mess and I’m back again who cares LMAO
Got a problem with me posting so much you know where to find me otherwise block me bitch idgas don’t come to my turf if you’ve got beef and not do anything about it

I wanna ARGUE WITH SOMEONE-not anyone in particular I’ve just been on edge, but also I’m feeling better now that I’ve settled down and sat on these feelings

Feelings from talking to an ex feels like a parasite. Or like a bed bug. When you’re vulnerable they latch onto. I used to be such a heavy sleeper until my huge family got bed bugs. So surprise we had no idea how it happened. I would sleep and not wake up to anything but bed bugs trained me to slowly wake up if something is uncomfortable. I would wake up to find a bed bug on me or to cry in my bed because I couldn’t sleep without getting assaulted by them. I couldn’t go anywhere without feeling disgusting for other people to be around or feeling not safe and comfortable. I liked being alone so the fact my personal safe space was invaded by these little assholes changed how I sleep.

Granted if Alex dropped a fucking phone on my while watching his vines I won’t wake up, but if I feel a bug crawling on me or if I hear a slight shift in the other room I’ll wake up. I can’t really fall deep asleep either. The last few days I have-thank fuck.

Holy fuck where was I going with all of this

Jesus

Right exes. Bed bug exes wait until you have your guard down. They sense your heart rate slowed and then creep and sink their fangs in you. Then your skin gets irritated and you wake up not knowing what happened to you.

That’s what my exes feel like to me. They made me feel like my own body wasn’t mine. When I showered I didn’t feel clean. I wanted to get out of the skin that I was wearing. Not because they touched it or anything I just... felt like I had to get out of my body. Leave it. My head needed to escape.

To come close even in words to them reminds me of the pain. The pain of feeling “mature” because not everyone is perfect and therefore you should enable bad things they do. No. That’s not what maturity is. That’s not what gratefulness is either. I feel grateful everyday. I get kisses on my head and when I walk to put away my dishes he takes them from me. When I get up to grab my tissue box he hands it to me. All these little things he does for me and when I am upset with him it isn’t because he’s done something disrespectful to me.

They all disrespect me all the time. No, Alex just tells me that I shouldn’t disagree to disagree. When I’m mad he says I have to talk it out and then we make up because we love each other. And all is forgotten. It’s just so different it’s even hard to describe. I got mad at Travis because he wouldn’t sit longer than a minute watching me felt or paint but forced me to watch what ever he was doing. Travis soiled anything good with the cheating. I don’t even remember what it was like before it. Oh right. Because he did it from the start. Played it like he didn’t want anyone else when I said he could have others with me.

Sometimes my heart drops when I look at Alex’s phone. A small voice whimpers, “what if?” But I know... that how I feel and how he loves me shows it all. Would someone who loves me take care of me in almost every single way? Would he let me nap on his lap while we were in the middle of watching something together? If someone was cheating on me would they go out of their way to make me feel so loved when they could make themselves feel more loved? No. They wouldn’t. I never felt so secure.

I thought different people couldn’t possibly be together.
We’re so alike and so different. So in sync and very independent beings. We loop into the same wave and sometimes our loops don’t connect at all. Together it just makes beautiful art.

I know I can trust him because he shows so much love and attention to me and our babies. If a person can do that, then I know they’re the one. That’s what turned me off to Ryan and Travis. They couldn’t care for lives they were responsible for. Only their own.

My Alex is so giving and loving. I only hope he never grows tired of how much of a mess I am. Not because it’s nice to have a “maid” or something. Because I can see how much he loves me and seeing how much he loves me is better than hearing it and receiving no action upon it whatsoever.

Also watching handmaid’s tale and o June you slut

I’ve been really missing Hamilton. It was my first Broadway and Alex took me last weekend. Ugh. I loved it so much. Angelica was obv my fav girl. She was such a beautiful singer and Burr? God his voice was divine. Not sure if he was the original or not, but his voice rumbled the right kind of lows and could comfort me to sleeeeep. I knew the minute Angelica and Hamilton said they both would never be satisfied that I’d love Angelica. She gave it up for her sister. Reality was she being already engaged introduced him to her sister. The cheating got me though. Cheating always makes me.... unsettled. I kind of... space out? I don’t know. It always hurts me and bothers me honestly.

My Alex is so wonderful. To many more love filled moments to come!!!
  ʟᴀɢᴇʀᴛʜᴀ / Indefinite / 140d 10h 17m 3s
Okay so maybe that was a not so great thing to do so I’m gonna write it here: DONT CHECK UP ON YOUR EXES BECAUSE REMEMBER THEY MADE YOU FEEL BAD EVEN IF THEY DONT KNOW ITS YOU DI NOT CHECK UP ON THEM IT WILL STILL MAKE THE BAD CHEMICALS GO HI

I might just take Jamjam out and cuddle. :/ I forgot Jamjam’s update:
Jamjam: I’m lord of the shits, shitlord. I will shit on all you love, I will shit on all you hate. There is none that I discriminate.

There go.

Also I checked on them mainly because I wanted to make sure he was treating her better. To make sure he wasn’t just back to his old games again. Maybe I could have prevented it all from happening. I wish someone could have. I always thought it was girls with girls. Girls know how tough it is. So why wouldn’t they help me? But it’s not like that.

I forget everyone isn’t like me.

Maybe I’ll just hop on VRchat and distract myself. It’s okay. You shouldn’t check up on them good intentions or not. All this hurt for good intentions.

I should know better now.
  ʟᴀɢᴇʀᴛʜᴀ / Indefinite / 140d 11h 51m 34s
Pet updates:

Sully: I can poop now! :D
Nate: HOP HOP HIDE OWO

Lily: I’m a plant you can’t see me .-.
Quinten: y tf dese leaf and no bug

Also our new edition,
Iris: blep I am sneak 100 I hate it here mom come pick me up
  ʟᴀɢᴇʀᴛʜᴀ / Indefinite / 140d 11h 59m 51s
I had a dream I had a group of friends that... were professional ski racers? Or just sledding lmao. I was a puppy. QwQ dream come tru. But I was human too. And when ever I saw my favorite person I just snuggled and snuggled him. He wasn’t around often. He was pretty young. Puppy girl really genuinely loved him tho. He was a kid... I think. But he would grow up to be an amazing and unstoppable man. As puppy girl though I got to cuddle so many people qwq it was awesome. I wish my dream could have shown the two of them later when they were older. Puppy was a lot older than the boy but their love was very mutual. As he went down water slides room to room I tried to keep up. I learned to skip several levels of sliding to catch up with his speed. It was a great game of tag between them. It was very cute.

I was thinking lately about maybe starting to get serious about my art.

Because my dreams tell stories I would love to explore.

But I know I couldn’t. Because I just don’t have the dedication for anything. Haha...
I wish I could make my dreams into an actual product people could indulge in.
  ʟᴀɢᴇʀᴛʜᴀ / Indefinite / 141d 2h 59m 6s
You ever just secretly wish someone finally decided to crawl in a hole and die and then they go ahead and remind you they exist?

Yeah.
That’s what I’m feeling rn.

I hate your updates because nothing about you ever changes you miserable old hack. Just fucking stop keeping us up with your not-at-all-exciting life to tell us “omg lol s/o to my ex who I love so deeply but I’m a trash person and we have a terrible toxic on/off relationship”

Ugh

I always think “man maybe they’ll have something new to say this time” but no. I should’ve known better. Same boring bitch got the same boring shit to say. Again. And again.

We get it.
Go see a therapist.
Fuccccckk
  ʟᴀɢᴇʀᴛʜᴀ / Indefinite / 142d 9h 30m 3s
Speaking of fucking minors
I wish they’d leave my inbox alone as well
They write so terribly and can’t even begin to comprehend bits and pieces of life

Doesn’t surprise me that not many people roleplayed with me

Today was uneventful because I don’t participate is man made holidays that feed the rich and encourage the poor to splurge otherwise it isn’t true love

As for holidays that are man made i do participate in earth day. By hugging trees. I just love trees. Maybe this year I’ll decorate our little maple that just began to sprout leaves.
  ʟᴀɢᴇʀᴛʜᴀ / Indefinite / 143d 12h 19m 42s
[center This is... What? Day three or four of my official consistent attempts to woo my Jamjam.

I'm totally okay with it taking a year. I love spending time with him even when he takes shits on me, lmao. Soon I will be able to expose him to more sights and smells, which will get him more comfortable/adaptable. It's best for him. In case something ever happens to me or him anyway. And if he's ever introduced to people he won't be as freaked if he's exposed to new things so frequently.

I love how big the little boys got, too. They're little hoppers now and while Nate is less tame that Sully, Sully can't sit still for the life of him.

Lily is busy digesting so I can only watch from afar qwq
My sweet baby giiiiirl
I wanna love you
  ʟᴀɢᴇʀᴛʜᴀ / Indefinite / 143d 20h 19m 24s
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bv0g_UoZsWw]
  ʟᴀɢᴇʀᴛʜᴀ / Indefinite / 144d 18h 31m 3s
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