☆ ᴛʜᴏᴜɢʜᴛs ᴏғ ᴀ ғɪᴇɴᴅ ☆

/ By Hostile [+Watch]

Replies: 440 / 3 years 194 days 3 hours 42 minutes 29 seconds

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After letting it all go I feel clear

I feel
Fine

Lighter

Maybe I’m just not awake enough to process it but
I’m ok with this

I’m ok with not finding a person I connect with like I did with him
It hurts a lot
But
I have someone who makes sure I am happy and healthy
And that’a more than I could ever ask for
My best friend is my bf but I’m okay with that too
I always found it hard not having a best friend who wasn’t solely platonic
It doesn’t matter though haha

In my heart I feel like he still is after all these years
I think I still hold my breath hoping he’s realized he wants to do better

But I’m ok if he never will be

I definitely know that
Friendships won’t ever be as easy on my end like it was with him

But that’s ok
I’m happy irl
I’m loved irl
And I’ve never been so emotionally healthy before

If no one wants to share that with me then
Fine

What matters is I save the relationships I still have
Not the ones that tumbled years ago

I love my Alex thank you for finding me
I’ve got everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend and a love
You’re really from heaven like I first said about you
Hi
I’m fucking angry
I’m fucking angry
Angry angry angry
I’m furious
And frustrated
I’m enraged
I want to cut everyone off
I want to hurt myself
I want to slice into my skin so deep so I can feel
Feel anything besides anger
Anger for everything about this

The more I try to fucking reason that I shouldn’t cut everyone off the more angry and resentful I feel

Why can’t I
Why can’t I cut off someone when I’ve cut other out for the same stupid shit

Why can’t I be fucking angry
Why am I not allowing myself to be angry

Don’t fucking come near me I’m ready to come off at any fucking moment
I think at this point I’m exhausted when it comes to friends.

Not that it’s anyone’s fault.

I just am exhausted.

I love people with all my heart.

And that shit hits hard.
I guess what I’m saying is I’m done.
I make excuses for everyone, I make excuses for people who don’t deserve it. Granted I always give everyone the benefit of the doubt. They deserve that much.

But once again I am staring the truth in the face, and the truth is when my good friend says something about someone, it’s pretty accurate.

It’s good to be able to rely on him for an ear tbh. I shouldn’t make this thing about me, because it doesn’t directly affect me. I just always have too high of hopes for people. I thought my last best friend would change. I thought if he had the chance, love, and support he could thrive.

But his mother told me “only he can help himself.”

I know I have so much to give.

But I give it voluntarily and it needs to stop.

Thanks, Universe. Message understood.

I’m not going to enable anything. I haven’t for awhile. And this is the aftermath I’m choosing to act out.

I shouldn’t feel bad. This is what I need to do for my own health. I care too much. And I need to cut off the point where I need to choose myself.
Ugh has it been a week yet I wanna hold my baby she’s settled in right? Lmao


I know it’s especially hard when my big ol hand comes swooping in from the top and their instincts say “omg I’m gonna get fuckin ate” but I’m so prepared to love her wholeheartedly
  ʟɪᴇʙᴇ / Indefinite / 76d 4h 25m 17s
Lily ate today! She took the pinkie well. I didn’t expect her to want to eat because of the stress of moving. She’s under the paper towel to sleep... I’m assuming that’s just how she’s gonna sleep until her quarantine is done.

Don’t get shrimp folks. It’s traumatizing seeing them all die. TAT
In the wild fish thrive in garbage water and then when you have a tank they’re like “nope this water is slightly high in PH so imma fuckin die” my heart huuurts

Especially for my love who is very frustrated and disheartened by this.

I only wish I could take away his sadness. :(
I love him and it hurts my heart two times more when he is hurt.
  ʟɪᴇʙᴇ / Indefinite / 77d 5h 33m 21s
I got lily today and she is hiding under the paper towels. Well... in between the paper towels. I’m glad we went all the way to make her a hide and she chose the quarantine substrate to snuggle up in.

Two weeks.
And I can start and try taming her. :3c
  ʟɪᴇʙᴇ / Indefinite / 78d 13h 19m 54s
Had a dream that was a sequel to one I apparently had before.

Group of friends who grew up in the same neighborhood were going through a rough time. They’ve all grown into young adults and they really started to realize they’re just a little too different. A particular pair, a girl and a boy, had realized they were especially fond of one another. But they had traveled back in time. Because they wanted to stop a tragic disappearance of hundreds of people. Including the girl, who was lost in space due to the event. After traveling back in time, the boy wanted to savor his moments with her. The group was so happy to be reunited they were oblivious to the doom they knew was approaching. The group had looked to the sky, which flickered in colors. One of the boys said, “this is it, this is where some of us disappear. We have to run. We can’t be separated.” So away from the waves of unknown energy they ran. Only to feel the impacts of the tide, leaving everything around them covered in a translucent blue sparkle.which they knew marked them as the objects that would be taken. The girl and the boy held each other’s hands tightly. Except they came to a dead end. The sidewalk in front of them was zapped before them and the looked around to escape. The girl lost her balance in all the havoc, and lost her grip. The boy was quick, and immediately reached out for her hand. With all his strength he dove towards her to catch her before she fell. Only to see her existence phase in and out of his hands. She was disappearing. And it was too late for him. She was falling through everything around her.

Here’s where the story gets funky because it’s a dream. I saw in the POV of the girl. My hands caught my ghostly fall. And it was deeply penetrated with a strange yellow grass. Which stung so much, I could barely keep my tears in.

My mother was contacted to calm my sobs. And although I was but a ghost she came to visit me. Ever since the incident she became a hunter of people.

And I got to watch the past play over and over again. Noticing every detail that aided in the boy maturing into the person the girl loved.

That’s some of what I remember. There are other strange things I didn’t mention but I can’t really depict them anyhow. Lol.
  ʟɪᴇʙᴇ / Indefinite / 93d 21h 44m 14s
Alex watching Akame Ga Kill: why does [Esdeath] have to be so hot

Same
  ʟɪᴇʙᴇ / Indefinite / 95d 6h 6m 5s
Lol

Thanks brain I love thinking about my shit exes

I haven’t seen Travis in over half a year and the thought of him still gets to me.

And his family.

It’s over now though.

And I’m so much happier.

I keep wondering if this is the honey moon phase, but I’m so sure now this is just what it’s like with my love.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think how lucky I am.

I never believed anyone when they said that. But now I get it.

Makes me even question if my exes meant it. Not that I didn’t question it before, but to love someone like this? I don’t think they’re capable.

Never a dull moment without you, my love. If this is the honey moon phase then why are we still so fascinated with each other like we were since day one?

And I can say that because I was so flirty, haha. You sounded so perfect I thought you might not be a good fit for me. But you’re so perfect for me. Like I said before, I’d suffer a whole lifetime without you if it meant we would meet again in the next. Because the life I had before you made zero sense until I got you.
  ʟɪᴇʙᴇ / Indefinite / 96d 20h 7m 26s
I mean
If he talked tf up his ex and said y’all probably weren’t gonna last
Is he [i really] that great

I suppose just not great enough for you
You deserve so much better
  ʟɪᴇʙᴇ / Indefinite / 100d 6h 36m 15s
You ever catch up on some drama you've been opting out of because the people are all around dumpster fires and you've got 39480257 things on your mind so you save it for times when you're bored and free? Well I was free moments ago and

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

man some bitches never change
  ʟɪᴇʙᴇ / Indefinite / 103d 8h 19m 50s
Shit

Here we go again

I don’t know what’s the mater with me
  ʟɪᴇʙᴇ / Indefinite / 103d 15h 6m 58s
I had a dream about some dumb bitch I knew in high school lmaooo

it made me so pissed i cant go back to sleep so here i am awake fml

and fuck you chelsie i hope your parents continue to make you feel unloved in the dumbest of ways you privileged ass bitch
  ʟɪᴇʙᴇ / Indefinite / 106d 18h 38m 49s
This dumb bitch really got the goddamn nerve to basically post same shit I did
  ʟɪᴇʙᴇ / Indefinite / 110d 19h 58m 35s
I've been talking to Pepe about her poly relationship the past few... She's had some concerns-valid concerns, about Baby and Koko. I'm not gonna dump their business here, because I love them. I just came here to say that I always feel like helping others, even when they don't ask for help. That's shitty of me, isn't it? Toxic to try to help people who don't want it. Because I end up being a very impactful outside voice in a relationship that isn't mine. I love my friends, I want to ease their pain. That's what's gonna kill me. I love with all my heart, I'd die for my loved ones. Blindly. Not saying that any of my friends are terrible influences on me, I don't think they are at all.

I have had others though mention some things about them that I didn't like hearing. They've painted them wrong. They don't understand.

I just don't understand why I always want to mend people and relationships when I have ZERO permission to.

The point of all this rambling is, I'm acknowledging my fault. So here's to hoping I improve on it!
  ᴀɪ ♥ / Indefinite / 119d 15h 25m 29s
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