☆ ᴛʜᴏᴜɢʜᴛs ᴏғ ᴀ ғɪᴇɴᴅ ☆

/ By Hostile [+Watch]

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So the other day we were at his parents house and puppy dead ass looks at me like I’m gonna give him food so I went “puppy look” and did the ole GOTCHA BITCH hand sign thing

You know
The one that looks like the ok sign
Idk why it’s funny but I know it’s funny

In case y’all were on the fence about whether or not I’m fucking amazing

The answer is yes

Still on the fence about being my friend?

The answer is no don’ta toucha me I’m traumatized
  ʟᴀɢᴇʀᴛʜᴀ / Indefinite / 41d 4h 29m 44s
I had a bad moment

I read an article of a mother recording her son saying he wants to die. :( he comes home everyday wanting to die and..... it hurts my heart that a child genuinely has made attempts to die. Children should be children and it hurts my heart that other children can be so cruel. How ever he has so much support from so many people because his mom posted that video, he even got a personal video from his favorite sports team and he’s getting a chance to play at Disney... I’m feeling better reading that people would unite to make a boy with dwarfism feel better. He’s just a kid. And just because you are born different doesn’t mean you’re less worthy of a good life. I’m so happy he knows strangers care.

Strangers always care. Everyone should remember that. If a stranger heard you wanted to hurt yourself they’d stop you. Even not knowing the whole story. You are worthy of life and love.
  ʟᴀɢᴇʀᴛʜᴀ / Indefinite / 42d 13h 16m 42s
[center the past few days I've just been working on my dream stories hence my absence.

I have some rough sketches of the first four characters and admittedly I'm a bit worn down creatively but maybe I'll be able to push myself more. Pushing yourself to do the things you love helps. Especially hobby-wise. Breaks tend to encourage the silence of your creative mind.

It's just hard.
I don't want to forget the people I've met through my mind. I can't recreate them perfectly, but dreams are distorted. Dreaming neglects the truths that live in the waking world. Dreaming is the fabric of possibilities and the reality is the put together dress. The strings may not be there, so it frays and falls apart. The scraps or thrown away and forgotten, once you've cut the outline of the dress. Dreams give you more than could be possible. Sometimes the needles are rusted and dull... Sometimes your hands misguide you; the dress is misshapen.

Life greets you with such unaccounted variables.

I've been binge-watching Handmaid's Tale with Alex and my god this is such greatly written. The characters are very multi-dimensional, which is written with such great care. When a multitude of people go this far to give a show a colorful cast, with a spectrum of love and hatred. It shows that they care to give people something to invest in, to cherish, to feel emotions they didn't think were possible. To sympathize with fictitious people who could very well exist near you.

I just love that there are people out there willing to work hard to make such wonderful works that shake you emotionally. That haunt your thoughts and question your morals.

I really want more burgers.
  ʟᴀɢᴇʀᴛʜᴀ / Indefinite / 42d 15h 32m 44s
christians: we are good people
also christians:
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FRd0aUt4Tm4]

[center ]
[center ]
jokes aside wassup world I'm gonna try writing today
  ʟᴀɢᴇʀᴛʜᴀ / Indefinite / 44d 16h 9m 5s
Hi I’m a mess and I’m back again who cares LMAO
Got a problem with me posting so much you know where to find me otherwise block me bitch idgas don’t come to my turf if you’ve got beef and not do anything about it

I wanna ARGUE WITH SOMEONE-not anyone in particular I’ve just been on edge, but also I’m feeling better now that I’ve settled down and sat on these feelings

Feelings from talking to an ex feels like a parasite. Or like a bed bug. When you’re vulnerable they latch onto. I used to be such a heavy sleeper until my huge family got bed bugs. So surprise we had no idea how it happened. I would sleep and not wake up to anything but bed bugs trained me to slowly wake up if something is uncomfortable. I would wake up to find a bed bug on me or to cry in my bed because I couldn’t sleep without getting assaulted by them. I couldn’t go anywhere without feeling disgusting for other people to be around or feeling not safe and comfortable. I liked being alone so the fact my personal safe space was invaded by these little assholes changed how I sleep.

Granted if Alex dropped a fucking phone on my while watching his vines I won’t wake up, but if I feel a bug crawling on me or if I hear a slight shift in the other room I’ll wake up. I can’t really fall deep asleep either. The last few days I have-thank fuck.

Holy fuck where was I going with all of this

Jesus

Right exes. Bed bug exes wait until you have your guard down. They sense your heart rate slowed and then creep and sink their fangs in you. Then your skin gets irritated and you wake up not knowing what happened to you.

That’s what my exes feel like to me. They made me feel like my own body wasn’t mine. When I showered I didn’t feel clean. I wanted to get out of the skin that I was wearing. Not because they touched it or anything I just... felt like I had to get out of my body. Leave it. My head needed to escape.

To come close even in words to them reminds me of the pain. The pain of feeling “mature” because not everyone is perfect and therefore you should enable bad things they do. No. That’s not what maturity is. That’s not what gratefulness is either. I feel grateful everyday. I get kisses on my head and when I walk to put away my dishes he takes them from me. When I get up to grab my tissue box he hands it to me. All these little things he does for me and when I am upset with him it isn’t because he’s done something disrespectful to me.

They all disrespect me all the time. No, Alex just tells me that I shouldn’t disagree to disagree. When I’m mad he says I have to talk it out and then we make up because we love each other. And all is forgotten. It’s just so different it’s even hard to describe. I got mad at Travis because he wouldn’t sit longer than a minute watching me felt or paint but forced me to watch what ever he was doing. Travis soiled anything good with the cheating. I don’t even remember what it was like before it. Oh right. Because he did it from the start. Played it like he didn’t want anyone else when I said he could have others with me.

Sometimes my heart drops when I look at Alex’s phone. A small voice whimpers, “what if?” But I know... that how I feel and how he loves me shows it all. Would someone who loves me take care of me in almost every single way? Would he let me nap on his lap while we were in the middle of watching something together? If someone was cheating on me would they go out of their way to make me feel so loved when they could make themselves feel more loved? No. They wouldn’t. I never felt so secure.

I thought different people couldn’t possibly be together.
We’re so alike and so different. So in sync and very independent beings. We loop into the same wave and sometimes our loops don’t connect at all. Together it just makes beautiful art.

I know I can trust him because he shows so much love and attention to me and our babies. If a person can do that, then I know they’re the one. That’s what turned me off to Ryan and Travis. They couldn’t care for lives they were responsible for. Only their own.

My Alex is so giving and loving. I only hope he never grows tired of how much of a mess I am. Not because it’s nice to have a “maid” or something. Because I can see how much he loves me and seeing how much he loves me is better than hearing it and receiving no action upon it whatsoever.

Also watching handmaid’s tale and o June you slut

I’ve been really missing Hamilton. It was my first Broadway and Alex took me last weekend. Ugh. I loved it so much. Angelica was obv my fav girl. She was such a beautiful singer and Burr? God his voice was divine. Not sure if he was the original or not, but his voice rumbled the right kind of lows and could comfort me to sleeeeep. I knew the minute Angelica and Hamilton said they both would never be satisfied that I’d love Angelica. She gave it up for her sister. Reality was she being already engaged introduced him to her sister. The cheating got me though. Cheating always makes me.... unsettled. I kind of... space out? I don’t know. It always hurts me and bothers me honestly.

My Alex is so wonderful. To many more love filled moments to come!!!
  ʟᴀɢᴇʀᴛʜᴀ / Indefinite / 45d 2h 11m 36s
Okay so maybe that was a not so great thing to do so I’m gonna write it here: DONT CHECK UP ON YOUR EXES BECAUSE REMEMBER THEY MADE YOU FEEL BAD EVEN IF THEY DONT KNOW ITS YOU DI NOT CHECK UP ON THEM IT WILL STILL MAKE THE BAD CHEMICALS GO HI

I might just take Jamjam out and cuddle. :/ I forgot Jamjam’s update:
Jamjam: I’m lord of the shits, shitlord. I will shit on all you love, I will shit on all you hate. There is none that I discriminate.

There go.

Also I checked on them mainly because I wanted to make sure he was treating her better. To make sure he wasn’t just back to his old games again. Maybe I could have prevented it all from happening. I wish someone could have. I always thought it was girls with girls. Girls know how tough it is. So why wouldn’t they help me? But it’s not like that.

I forget everyone isn’t like me.

Maybe I’ll just hop on VRchat and distract myself. It’s okay. You shouldn’t check up on them good intentions or not. All this hurt for good intentions.

I should know better now.
  ʟᴀɢᴇʀᴛʜᴀ / Indefinite / 45d 3h 46m 7s
Pet updates:

Sully: I can poop now! :D
Nate: HOP HOP HIDE OWO

Lily: I’m a plant you can’t see me .-.
Quinten: y tf dese leaf and no bug

Also our new edition,
Iris: blep I am sneak 100 I hate it here mom come pick me up
  ʟᴀɢᴇʀᴛʜᴀ / Indefinite / 45d 3h 54m 24s
I had a dream I had a group of friends that... were professional ski racers? Or just sledding lmao. I was a puppy. QwQ dream come tru. But I was human too. And when ever I saw my favorite person I just snuggled and snuggled him. He wasn’t around often. He was pretty young. Puppy girl really genuinely loved him tho. He was a kid... I think. But he would grow up to be an amazing and unstoppable man. As puppy girl though I got to cuddle so many people qwq it was awesome. I wish my dream could have shown the two of them later when they were older. Puppy was a lot older than the boy but their love was very mutual. As he went down water slides room to room I tried to keep up. I learned to skip several levels of sliding to catch up with his speed. It was a great game of tag between them. It was very cute.

I was thinking lately about maybe starting to get serious about my art.

Because my dreams tell stories I would love to explore.

But I know I couldn’t. Because I just don’t have the dedication for anything. Haha...
I wish I could make my dreams into an actual product people could indulge in.
  ʟᴀɢᴇʀᴛʜᴀ / Indefinite / 45d 18h 53m 39s
You ever just secretly wish someone finally decided to crawl in a hole and die and then they go ahead and remind you they exist?

Yeah.
That’s what I’m feeling rn.

I hate your updates because nothing about you ever changes you miserable old hack. Just fucking stop keeping us up with your not-at-all-exciting life to tell us “omg lol s/o to my ex who I love so deeply but I’m a trash person and we have a terrible toxic on/off relationship”

Ugh

I always think “man maybe they’ll have something new to say this time” but no. I should’ve known better. Same boring bitch got the same boring shit to say. Again. And again.

We get it.
Go see a therapist.
Fuccccckk
  ʟᴀɢᴇʀᴛʜᴀ / Indefinite / 47d 1h 24m 36s
Speaking of fucking minors
I wish they’d leave my inbox alone as well
They write so terribly and can’t even begin to comprehend bits and pieces of life

Doesn’t surprise me that not many people roleplayed with me

Today was uneventful because I don’t participate is man made holidays that feed the rich and encourage the poor to splurge otherwise it isn’t true love

As for holidays that are man made i do participate in earth day. By hugging trees. I just love trees. Maybe this year I’ll decorate our little maple that just began to sprout leaves.
  ʟᴀɢᴇʀᴛʜᴀ / Indefinite / 48d 4h 14m 15s
[center This is... What? Day three or four of my official consistent attempts to woo my Jamjam.

I'm totally okay with it taking a year. I love spending time with him even when he takes shits on me, lmao. Soon I will be able to expose him to more sights and smells, which will get him more comfortable/adaptable. It's best for him. In case something ever happens to me or him anyway. And if he's ever introduced to people he won't be as freaked if he's exposed to new things so frequently.

I love how big the little boys got, too. They're little hoppers now and while Nate is less tame that Sully, Sully can't sit still for the life of him.

Lily is busy digesting so I can only watch from afar qwq
My sweet baby giiiiirl
I wanna love you
  ʟᴀɢᴇʀᴛʜᴀ / Indefinite / 48d 12h 13m 57s
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bv0g_UoZsWw]
  ʟᴀɢᴇʀᴛʜᴀ / Indefinite / 49d 10h 25m 36s
I would try to argue with you that you can’t even begin to comprehend how I actually feel but.... I said goodbye.

And it further proves my point that it was best for me to say goodbye to our closeness.

The stab still hurts but the taste is so addicting, right?

Alright. Now that I should probably move past something that’s already disgustingly a week old, let me just say the MAGICIANS REALLY HAD THE AUDACITY TO DO THIS

The series really shoulda ended awhile ago but it’s so good.
  ʟᴀɢᴇʀᴛʜᴀ / Indefinite / 49d 13h 46m 56s
[center You know I should be much more eager to connect with people considering the lengths I have gone through trying to stay in touch with them... But I'm not. Not eager at all.

I just see another failed friendship waiting to happen. I know they say "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" but me being me I'm quick to grow bitter.

Bitter that I cherished people who hurt me in ways I never thought possible. Bitter that I always throw in lifeline for the clearly failing relationships I maintain. Still giving the last words between us.

The only ones who stay are the ones who cling to the thought of romance, but even then I have to pull the plug. Their need to contain and change me suffocates the spark of happiness. In both of us.

My life is never in place all at once.

I was happy with an old love, but work got in the way. Then after that brick was loose the tower crumbled. Out of the two of us, the only one who truly put in the work was me. Typical. Why is the other party always so weak? I'm happily not wasting away in "eternal happiness" with him. Threats kept me chained, empty promises fed to make me stay-somehow they really thought I wouldn't be in any pain. Swayed by no action on powerful words always guided me to the next day and the next day.

One point the only thing that kept me going was my pay. Loveless marriage was being cooked as my plate, no matter what I had to say. About my own feelings of loss. The death of another failed relationship lay in my arms. How did it all go astray?

My own friend, who knew me better than I myself-my soul mate, not sex kind-would rather throw it all away. I know, I speak with full hypocrisy, I know who was there when I fell asleep belly full of chemicals and my chosen "last meal". You were there. It's strange to want to change so suddenly, right? You didn't expect I'd take action to improve myself and therefore leave you in the dust. It wasn't fair to either of us that I was ready but you needed more time for self-pity.

My own blood that I forged such a strong fondness with. Our voices together were echos of our shared minds. You were always much more clever, so much better with being so lovable. So unforgettable. Yet no matter how kind-you could even be told you were divine-you would never be fine without the highs that those lows gave you. What a dangerous game you consistently played that I played off as you never being given the proper chance to thrive-alike to me. It wasn't time-not for you anyway, to let go of the addiction of admiring those skies you got to see when you finally hit rock bottom again. History repeats itself and you were always clever, my dear, which is why you needed to occupy your mind. Whatever was in your face or in your reach you needed it to rule your life. You need love, which I bled for you, but it wasn't what you want. You can't heal if you can't let go of the blade that wounds you.

So goodbye to my lover who couldn't accept the consequences of your actions; goodbye to my friend who was so fit by my side better than my favorite tightly knit sweater; goodbye to my light whom I always shadowed; goodbye to the friendships I tried to ignite but was only snuffed by the "seen" notification after the message was sent.

Hello, to the graveyard of those seeds I've relentlessly tended. They died, like tadpoles in spring. No reason or rhyme, just born to die. Almost like their genetics decide whether or not if they shall lay down and never open their eyes again.

My heart
it cries
and lathers in comfort of my own self made family.
  ʟᴀɢᴇʀᴛʜᴀ / Indefinite / 49d 15h 36m 57s
How about @ me next time you think shits about you lmao
What ever
People on some other shite lmaoo
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