☆ ᴛʜᴏᴜɢʜᴛs ᴏғ ᴀ ғɪᴇɴᴅ ☆

/ By Hostile [+Watch]

Replies: 440 / 3 years 194 days 5 hours 15 minutes 31 seconds

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I’m so in love with my Jamjam. He runs my world. The little hissing pokey boy laid there in his bag in my chest trying to sleep... it was so adorable. I could watch him rest for hours if it didn’t kill my back in the process. He’s gotten less sassy with being picked up and honestly I think he’s even getting better with me clipping his nails. Or I’m just getting better at handling him to my advantage. Either way less difficult. I just love him and I want him to know it. They do say I am pretty determined to make others love me. Lol.
  ᴊᴏʏ / Indefinite / 30d 4h 19m 34s
thoughts & prayers to nulli omfg

she dying

what an adorbs
  ᴊᴏʏ / Indefinite / 30d 21h 21m 53s
I think of you so much. I'm so happy that out of all my relationships ours is still... the way it is. I'm thankful that I have you. Even if I'm not super significant to you, you still are to me. It doesn't bother me that this is the case.

I don't want to pester you, ever. I feel like I am, a pest, more often than not. Especially since you didn't come forward to me to talk about it. I will leave it at that. I worry about you, all the time. I only hope things get better. From the beginning, you seemed to struggle. I wish I could be of help. I know you struggle a lot and something in me says you need rest rather than someone draining social energy from you.

You're tired so often.

I guess that's why I thought of you listening to this.

You always seem to be working yourself to the bone even when it seems like there's not rest ahead. I can only watch and..... believe that good things will come. I've always felt like the universe keeps track of the good and the bad. Part of me thinks it doesn't hold people accountable or isn't fair to many. Of course, the other portion hopes it really does send everyone everything they deserve. Because if I don't then I couldn't... sleep. Or be well.

I see in your words you're so exhausted.

You've got such a beautiful mind. Even if you feel like there's nothing worth anything in there. I love how it ticks. I adore you. I'll keep wishing though. Life is often much more disheartening than I'd like it to be for you. This song captures how I see the melancholy in you. I wish we were closer, we could support each other better.

But you've got adult things to do. Things I can't manage to do. I'm so childish, you shouldn't have to deal with my wants when you've got so much on your plate.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bVRzxzRp7Q
  ᴊᴏʏ / Indefinite / 31d 14h 54m 20s
Kinda wish you stopped breathing. Kinda know better than to wish something bad on someone. Kinda don’t care why are you alive you problematic ass bitch.
  ᴊᴏʏ / Indefinite / 32d 3h 28m 20s
So fuckin
Been busy on Pocket Camp because I love the crafting system

Even if the cute stuff costs fucking LEAF TICKETS
which is sum BULLSHIT

Luckily I do google play opinions and get small money via that
  ᴊᴏʏ / Indefinite / 33d 4h 52m 31s
I had a dream about you.
You said that no matter what you did friends always used you when it was most convenient.

And I got so furious because I gave you so much.

It was a dream, though.

I wonder if I should check in on you, but I don’t think that’s a great idea. The pain never goes away, it just becomes more tolerable.

[hr ]

Also to my traitor ass friends who still is Facebook friends with Travis y’all are hoes smh
  ᴊᴏʏ / Indefinite / 33d 19h 12m 45s
A: sometimes i look at journal entries and remember i hate ppl

me too, my love <3 LMAO
  ᴊᴏʏ / Indefinite / 34d 12h 30m 10s
I have a clogged tear duct and aAAAAHHHHH

shit hurts :(

Thanks, unconscious me for fucking up our tear ducts by rubbing your eyes YA HOE
  ᴊᴏʏ / Indefinite / 34d 20h 56m 14s
"i'M bEiNg BuLlieD"

boy, do I love stupid people.

You weren't being bullied, ya dimwit. You were publicized to inform other users that you wrote vile vile things. Then when nobody took your side you threw a temper tantrum and "left."

Your sorry excuse for writing about sexual trauma on children was that it's "your mary sue."

Ah, yes. Your outline for your everyday roleplay character is a child who shouldn't have sexually developed organs be in very explicit situations. What does that say about you?

"i'M jUsT diFfeReNt"
No, you're troubled. A sick fuck who needs help. You didn't even see what was wrong with sexualizing youth. Didn't even apologize for your gross writings. You just deleted it all then dramatically exclaimed "you won" and that you got bullied.

You slandered yourself, sweaty, they just brought it to the attention of the public.

TLDR; YA PLAYED YASELF AND BLAMED IT ON EVERYONE ELSE
  ᴊᴏʏ / Indefinite / 35d 13h 44m 4s
was gonna add on to the dumpster fire in JE
decides it’s probably not a good idea

See how hard that was to not post stupid shit?
  ᴊᴏʏ / Indefinite / 35d 23h 15m 48s
Me: *Buys a handmade bonding bag for Jam*
Jamjam: I hate it here

I have to hold the bonding bag with him in it for him to fall asleep. Smfh.

At least he’s adjusting to it.
  ᴊᴏʏ / Indefinite / 36d 12h 52m 52s
As much as I have some beef with RPers on here, that shit was fucking RANCID.

Don’t get me wrong, I love dark themes as much as the next person..... but going on and on with it is just fucking sick.

I’m watching Handmaid’s Tale for fuck’s sake. A fifteen year old marries a grown man because this show is supposed to make you question morals.

I just... can’t imagine someone willingly role playing youth who are put in sexual situations....

It’s hard to even discuss it. Role playing it is sick.

I’d much more tolerate it if it backstory. But even the backstory for that just.... was unnecessary.
  ᴊᴏʏ / Indefinite / 36d 15h 31m 1s
[center Sometimes I feel bad. Why? Because such intrusive terrible self-destructive thoughts come to my head. My dreams don't help much either.

I treasure my love. He is my everything. If there is any pain he takes it away. If I don't want to grab something he fetches it. He is here to love and support me in ways I don't deserve.

I am a lazy ass, yes, but I've definitely come to terms with the fact I probably won't be able to get a job. Without it significantly deteriorating my mental health. I've honestly considered SSI for my mental health because truth be told it really is in the way of me living life. Including supporting myself. So many other people have it worse but can't get it. It doesn't feel right doing it, y'know? But I'm not supposed to worry about others. Just myself. I tend to get a smidge overboard with caring.

I fear people will judge me if I attempted to get SSI. Not that I care if they do... I just fear it because I know I'm not genetically unlucky. I fear getting it because I feel like other people deserve it more than me. But I suppose if they're not reaching for it, it's okay to take a shot.

I've entertained the idea for so long but I am afraid to mention it to people. I have so many friends who suffered and endured more than me. I'm not trying to throw a pity party but I always feel like I am 100% incapable of handling anything. I have zero passion for anything that could get me money. Am I not trying hard enough? Am I just not creative enough?

It's not like I'm depressed to the point I want to die ASAP. I think if I did, things would be a lot easier for others. I'm so very happy with my life. I am. However, when I look at price tags or things I want I feel bad for even wanting it. It's not something I've earned.

The complexity of human emotions, right?

Textbook wise, I qualify for SSI. Regardless I am the happiest I've ever been.

The intrusive dreams I have where I watch myself fall in love with other people have me questioning myself. This has always happened to me. When I was small I had dreams I would cheat on my partner, even if I didn't have anyone. I feel like some part of me loves the thrill of flirting with new people and playing with hearts. Who wouldn't? I enjoy it so much in my dreams. Then my brain goes, "lol now remember you're dating Alex and wanting to be with someone else is wrong." That fucks me up so much.

Infidelity is something that scares me.

Always has.

Yet the rush of meeting someone new feels so great.
If I didn't already have Alex.

I would be fucking stupid to throw that all away.

Being with Alex makes me feel so much better than meeting new people. I can't really explain how... I'll try of course, haha. It means being with someone you know. Not finding out things you'll like or dislike about a person. The unknown is exciting, but it's comforting knowing your life is with someone you never get tired of.

When I spoke to new people I got bored of them so fast. Alex doesn't bore me. He bothers me to look at beetles he makes me see every day. LOL. It's adorable how much he loves watching them grow.

It's why I hate these dreams. These dreams that make me think I'm in a new fresh relationship then reminds me that I am in reality with someone wonderful. I wouldn't want to hurt people I love. The dilemma starts with me knowing I have to choose but not wanting to. I wake up seeing Alex. That terrifies me. I didn't choose. I just wake up knowing Alex is real and my dream was a dream.

My brain loves throwing me in terrible moral happenings and I know it's only what I make of it-that doesn't mean it doesn't make me unsettled.

[hr ]

I've been applying to jobs but when I see they reviewed my application, I want to back off. I want to hide.

I've attempted in doodling a YCH to try and get some rep but my artist brain isn't on my side.
  ᴊᴏʏ / Indefinite / 37d 14h 36m 35s
[center [pic https://i.imgflip.com/39osmx.png]
Me: role playing means writing and I’m too depressed to write
Also me: writing is a creative outlet that’s good to battle depression

And so it continues
  ᴊᴏʏ / Indefinite / 38d 5h 1m 55s
I thought at least the public school systems would teach the children to somewhat write structured papers. No? Once again, just me, LOL.

Not only does this writing have no clear transitions, but it also doesn't clarify what it is discussing. Half of the thesis statement doesn't make sense. The phrasing is not looked over-clearly, "why happiness has its way around others" -I'm sorry, what?

Not only did you advertise the sorry excuse of an "essay" you couldn't even support your nonexistent thesis with any sources. I'm aware not all essays require sources to prove your point, but you have to have some background knowledge about the topic to even support your thesis-you know what? You do need sources. I lied. Knowing what you're talking about requires you to convince others what you see. Or in this case what your "study" is showing.

Anyway what do I know I hate writing papers.

[hr ]

[tab ]So I guess I done fucked my day because I forgot to take my daily meds until now. Ugh. It makes me wonder if that's why I've been semi-upset. I really don't want to put all the pressure on Alex. Especially since I am perfectly capable of getting a job... It's been bothering me for quite some time but he said he would rather me jobless than being miserable at another Wendy's-like job.

I just don't have anything that would get me a job that wouldn't chip away at my mental health. My mental health deteriorates even now without a job, just knowing I can't help out with getting a new house.

Meh. I'm just useless.

I've come to terms with it.

[hr ]

Well apparently Nikole blocked me and I have no idea why she did, but it is what it is. It's fine, I only wish her the best. But it isn't gonna happen with Robert around. If she didn't like hearing that then shit sucks. I don't like him. She deserves better. Whatever.

It hurts, yes, but people will cut people off for their own reasons. I'll live with it. I was just worried she died or something LOL. But nah. She's perfectly fine. Of course she is.

[hr ]

Now that I'm done rambling about irrelevant things including my hopelessness for finding income, I just want to say that I have been feeling indifferent about my life.

By that I mean I think I would be better off leaving people alone. Y'know?

My loved ones, my friends, my everything. I tend to have a "reverse midas touch."
  ᴊᴏʏ / Indefinite / 39d 9h 34m 44s
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