☆ ᴛʜᴏᴜɢʜᴛs ᴏғ ᴀ ғɪᴇɴᴅ ☆

/ By Hostile [+Watch]

Replies: 503 / 3 years 289 days 12 hours 18 minutes 41 seconds

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I had a dream about some dumb bitch I knew in high school lmaooo

it made me so pissed i cant go back to sleep so here i am awake fml

and fuck you chelsie i hope your parents continue to make you feel unloved in the dumbest of ways you privileged ass bitch
  ʟɪᴇʙᴇ / Indefinite / 202d 3h 15m 1s
This dumb bitch really got the goddamn nerve to basically post same shit I did
  ʟɪᴇʙᴇ / Indefinite / 206d 4h 34m 47s
I've been talking to Pepe about her poly relationship the past few... She's had some concerns-valid concerns, about Baby and Koko. I'm not gonna dump their business here, because I love them. I just came here to say that I always feel like helping others, even when they don't ask for help. That's shitty of me, isn't it? Toxic to try to help people who don't want it. Because I end up being a very impactful outside voice in a relationship that isn't mine. I love my friends, I want to ease their pain. That's what's gonna kill me. I love with all my heart, I'd die for my loved ones. Blindly. Not saying that any of my friends are terrible influences on me, I don't think they are at all.

I have had others though mention some things about them that I didn't like hearing. They've painted them wrong. They don't understand.

I just don't understand why I always want to mend people and relationships when I have ZERO permission to.

The point of all this rambling is, I'm acknowledging my fault. So here's to hoping I improve on it!
  ᴀɪ ♥ / Indefinite / 215d 1m 41s
zirius' status says: I want you

me, messaging him: no u dont. dont lie
z: huh
me: ur status
z: i have a craving for asians
me: sir i am 5
  Indefinite / 217d 30m 25s
I had a dream I was a high school kid again.
But, this gets fun.

All of these kids have superpowers.

I was dreaming from the pov of a girl whose powers didn't entirely make sense... She was very emotional, but she could give someone else that same feeling. She was grouped with some kids she didn't know, and that's when she met him.

He was.. lmao charming in his own asshole kind of way. He wasn't a people person. He had incredible strength. To the point where objects were hard to penetrate/harm him. He was in love with... I believe it was a fae? Of sorts? She was a tiny little person. Fit in his hand. Wasn't her true form. She had plant material for skin/body and her hair was white. Something happened to her. That got her stuck in this form. She had little to no powers in this form and was less... uh... there? I suppose? She was only able to be awake for a certain amount of time. Her energy was scarce.

We were on a trip, being grouped up with him.. we ended up becoming friends, teasing each other and laughing.

He was so much fun to be around, honestly.

But on the trip, we discovered the acting principal was plotting against the students. Something Wicked. Twisted. To use their powers to make everyone else bow. Which is strange, because superpowers in this universe were common. But he had his plans...

Some time together they've bonded enough to understand each other's body language.

She had encountered some deviants in the halls, and they wanted their way with her. She ran. Found herself to the boy. She shook in fear and he held her, instantly he was thrown in her thoughts. He knew what was coming. He was enraged that anyone would dare think of hurting her.

Through the doors they burst, holding up guns. The deviants' powers involved manipulation, coaxing, or something along the lines of striking fear. Which they succeeded in the girl.

The dark-haired boy scooped up his friend and threw himself against the window. Shots firing at them caused pieces of clothes to shred. Her hair snipped from the speeding bullets. The window shattering further from stray shots. Falling for several floors, He held onto her hoping she was safe with him and he landed on the ground roughly. Unharmed, she checked his wounds. Though he had great strength, bullets were still penetrable. They had dug deep into his skin. Many of the shots had hit him, with several sunk into her hip, arm, and leg.

She shook him, he was coming in and out of consciousness. The troublemakers had followed down soon after. Approaching the pair, the boy sat up. With his last bit of strength, he was able to attack their pursuers, obtain a gun, and shot them down. He then collapsed. To the best of her abilities, she caught him. Their friends showed up, having heard the gunshots.

The campus luckily had a Hospital. Open for the public and the students. The Hospital Dean had approached the healing pair. Thanking them. The boys they had taken down were apart of a gang keeping control of the hospital. Taking supplies and ensuring they had gotten their way with patients or staff.

After being released, the boy and girl spent some time together. She had realized during the time she feared for his life, she loved him. She wouldn't admit it, though. She just smiled in his company and embraced him. Counting her blessings. In their time together, their hair brushed... Her arms were around his neck, trying to ignore the lingering aches of her wounds. The air was silent between them. He looked her in the eyes and smiled. He laid himself down and she did beside him. Her new best friend had nearly died before her eyes. Trying to save her.

She felt at fault.

His hands caressed her cheeks. With one look at each other, they shared a kiss.

~

A few days later, they didn't talk about the moment they had. Just kept it to themselves. The girl knew that she couldn't pursue him. He was spoken for. Though she may be partially absent due to her physical and power complications, she was still his first love. Whom he cared for. She had no home. Just him.

With this, the girl felt heavy. Knowing he was already taken, but because of her moment of weakness seduced him into a kiss. Breaking the loyalty he had between him and his first love.

But soon all she could think of was him. He couldn't escape her mind. When she heard his voice, her heart fluttered. When she visited his typical hangouts after school she felt at peace. Any spare moment away from him was misery.

Their friend group openly acknowledged her feelings for him. Not that she announced it-she just was awful at hiding it. However, one particular oblivious friend had developed feelings for her. While she did like him and could see herself dating him.. She was infatuated with her best friend. It could not be helped.
  Indefinite / 217d 20h 51m 52s
I LOVE NEON AND I MISS HIM QWQ

MY HART MHA SOLE
  Indefinite / 223d 17h 47m 10s
For the first time in my life I feel like I have no enemies.

Of course other than my shit exes.

I talk a lot of shit about them, but..

Well Ryan is just pure shit lord.
Travis
That name fucking terrifies me. Even writing it.

I guess “terrify” isn’t the right word. It makes me feel better. Gross. Angry.

I talk a lot of shit about Travis, but, honestly part of me wishes him the best. The rest of me knows he’s a fucking travesty and isn’t capable of becoming a better person.

I can’t believe I let myself bow so low, again.

All for “love” haha.

I’m young. And the naivety will always stay with me.

We haven’t fought seriously. We have been so fucking happy. When I break down for no reason you’re there to pick me up.. I’m just so genuinely amazed. That this is true.

People might hiss, “honeymoon phase” but I love you.
When I’m sad; when I’m angry with you over LEAVING ME IN A CAVE TO MY OWN DEVICES; when you’re grumpy; when I get second wave frustrate for you when you keep losing.....

I always said Travis was my “safe place” but that was only true until I met you. Crazy how things change after you meet someone.

Wholeheartedly, I love every bit of you. Antoine said “what would happen if this person if they didn’t work out?”

It would be such a tragedy.
Because I’ve never felt so loved. I’m not capable of showing that I’m grateful, or being very loving... but every day there isn’t a moment I’m not so fucking thankful I have you. Me being at a loss for words just say: “I love you.”

~*~

Point of this is...
It’s strange seeing people change.. when you’ve never thought they would. That’s my “survival” instinct kicking in from the abuse, nonetheless I usually am correct about people.

I’ve bet with every fiber of my being, smugly even stated they would be back to their old ways in a flash..

Time has passed and nothing.

Change has really become of them.

It doesn’t happen everyday, folks. So here’s a little shout out to people who have changed. For the better. Seeing their wrongs and finally fucking maturing.

You did it, bitch. Don’t look back.

If only other people could follow through like you have.
I’m looking at you, Travis.
There’s too much bitterness in me to wish you the best, right now.
Maybe if you apologized-if you’re capable of even faking it, I could let it go.

I suppose I need to grow and forgive without the apology, huh?

I’ve remained mature enough in my interactions with you.

But maybe in a year or two it’ll seem like a lifetime has passed, and you won’t get under my skin. Just like Ryan. You two are more alike than you think. Desperate to be loved. Well, loved in what ever way you think love is. The problem with you, though, is you’re scared. What ever out there can help you, please seek it. Because your fear is so much worse than Ryan’s need to be wanted. To be the best. Fear is honestly so much more destructive. Good fucking luck with your train wreck of a life, asshole.

I have my ups and my fucking lows, but gotdamn life is like that. And even at my lows I never felt so loved. Thank you thank you thank you.

Thank you for loving me even when I’m unlovable.
  Indefinite / 225d 4h 25m 27s
Oh god when does the edgey teen cancer end

Oh right never
This is why I ain’t havin kids
  Indefinite / 228d 1h 24m 29s
And here I was hopin it was all fucking end finally lmao
  Indefinite / 231d 59m 55s
r: i thought u were masturbating
m: nd u wuldnt say smthn about it
r: why wuld i addrs it
  Indefinite / 233d 13h 53m 41s
I miss you so much. :c

And I want to tell you but I feel like you resent me for leaving. I know I left you in good hands, but I still worry to the shits about you.

I think about how much I wanna visit everyday but don’t have the funds for that shit because I’m a dumb bitch.

I really love you, though.

I love seeing the glo up
Even if it means without me because I’m a terrible friend
  Indefinite / 234d 6h 56m 30s
Wow I’m so lucky to have such an amazing boyfriend <3

I’m couldn’t have ever imagined someone like him would exist and deal with my depressed ass <3

He’s truly my number one and honestly makes living so fucking worth it

Not a dull moment with him.

If there’s a god out there- thank you for him my lord

He’s better than anyone I could have made up in my head
Sweet enough to get diabetes
Silly enough to stress me out but make me laugh nonetheless
Energized enough to get me going even when my limbs are tired

Bless this boy
He deserves the best and here he is with me

Love has never ever made me feel so happy even when I’m so depressed.

He’s such a keeper <3
  Indefinite / 236d 23h 14m 19s
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xrbY9gDVms0]

[center I have been processing why this song has been repeatedly playing in my head.

I have no regrets, or lost loves. I just don't have me. I never had me. I've tried finding myself in other people. I've honestly never really known myself. I couldn't describe myself if you had to make me. I mean, the obvious is I love cute things. I enjoy spicy foods. I love animals. But I just don't know who I am. These are things I like to surround myself. Who am I? What does it take to find who I am through all of this shitty external conflict? Fuck, I mean it's occupying enough to try and find income. I have tried so many times to make sense as to who I am. I feel like myself when I am around the people I love.

But every time it comes down to me feeling the same. Not a person, just a void who feels through others. I just soak information and spit out what I scramble in my head.

Is that what being someone is?

I know I'm not supposed to focus on my self worth and what I feel gives me "purpose" because we have to figure out what is the core of me.

I don't know??

I'm so happy where I am. Something just feels off. Every time I fail, every time I remember I get no callbacks, every day when I wake up unable to convince myself to care for myself - I think it's just useless.

I know, I have to behave not what I feel. But isn't that just faking it until I make it? Isn't that bad, too?

I do so much to try to find myself and fight the struggles thrown at me and I'm still stuck at square one. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't put anything into this world. It's disheartening. I can't do anything. I feel like I don't belong because I can't get myself to behave the opposite of how I feel.

I wonder what it would be like if magic was real. Y'know? Quinten was depressed because he didn't belong. But Julia did. She was able to play it all so perfectly. Yet, when she found out it existed, she needed it.

I just feel like that [b thing] is out there for me.

Only I'm nowhere near finding it because of the obstacles I put myself through. I've been pushing through it all. Because doing something instead of nothing makes it all better. Once you're in motion you keep going. I've been in motion. I've been trying harder to get better. Look at me.

You can argue it's just growing hormones because technically my body is not down with all it's shitty hormones. I haven't mellowed out. Isn't this the best time to enjoy your life, though?

Any choice just ends with me not being able to do anything that gives my life any spark of meaning.

I can't find magic like Quinten. Magic fucked up his life, it ended him. But he wasn't depressed. I feel like that's the case. I just am not where I am supposed to be.

But how many times of rehabilitating do I have to endure before I get my "Brakebills" break? lmao. I made joke.

There's a similar concept.

Someone spiritual said something close. That depression is not cured with medication, it is because they hold something special and isn't using it. Exercising it.

Maybe I'm just crazy and wanting to make an answer out of anything.

Because I don't have answers.

Fuck all of it
  Indefinite / 237d 23h 38m 5s
How’ve I been?

I...
I don’t know.

I’ve honestly been occupying my time with small random obsessions but I don’t have anyone to help me develop them.

I keep pushing myself though, because I taught myself editing. So I made it this far, right? I know I can do it.

But then I remembered I had a friend help me. And....

I guess I just feel very lost. And defenseless. I need a teacher and all I have been doing all along is teaching myself. :/ I have discord access for help but rn I just am not feeling up to asking strangers for help.

I feel so disconnected.

The past few days have been fun because I’ve been distracting myself. But now that I’m not focusing my brain on something I’ve realized that I am not getting any better.

I feel so lost.

This week I wasn’t even able to come up with core values for my therapy.

“What core things do you need to be happy?”

Well we already established animal interaction... nature.... upkeep with relationships..... video games...

Artistic output?

I don’t think there is much else to me.

I’m so pathetic.

My depression is getting the better of me, and I really hope I can figure it out. Because after all my life struggling-granted it’s not as terrible as others, I’m just tired.

But!
I do have Jurassic quest to look forward to.
I’m super excited for that at least.
  ᴋʀᴜʟ ᴛᴇᴘᴇs / Indefinite / 238d 15h 7m 49s
Stick boi passed away.

And I feel sick.

Sick because I’m sure a parasite took him.

I had a dream today he was passing.

His little grippies clung so tight to my skin.
He was clinging onto life.

But it took him away.
  ᴋʀᴜʟ ᴛᴇᴘᴇs / Indefinite / 245d 19h 5m 41s
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