☆ Thoughts of a Fiend ☆

/ By Hostile [+Watch]

Replies: 119 / 189 days 16 hours 35 minutes 7 seconds

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  1. [Allowed] Suga


[Center Since I'm awful at opening up I'll confide here.][center Maybe posting publicly will help me.][center Hate-read all you like.] [Center Request access for special commentary/additional thoughts/exclusive information.] [Center Just kidding.] [Center Now scram.]

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Roleplay Responses

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[coming+soon [center [size15 [#859ecc [b Repeat after me.
I. Can. Take. Care. Of. Myself.
If I want someone to help me I will ask or let them.
I'm so tired so so tired of being cradled.
Maybe it's because it's the wrong person I'm being cradled by. I don't know. Either way I'm going insane.
I just want to be with Rye. My sanity will be fine with him.

Travis helps too but... let's be honest with ourselves, he's too good for me. He grew up in one house. Moved to Oklahoma here and there. But mainly one house that his family owns. He was a boys scout. He goes to college and wants to be a teacher. He has got his shit together. Yet he wants me. I haven't a place I am truly comfortable calling home because of who I have lived with. My family was never my safe place. I wasn't really allowed friends. I had to keep with my studies. My plate of chicken nuggets warmed me up in the morning. Microwavable food was most of my meals. My family has come home with bruises and blood, I was always told I had to be strong. I couldn't cry. It only made it easier to cry. My mother didn't know how to be a parent. Her parents didn't really care about her enough. They didn't understand the responsibility that came with it. Her own mother turned her away and called the cops saying they were trespassing. My stepmother hasn't tried to keep in contact. What do I say when she says she will contact me? Bug her? She seems so much more fascinated by anything but my sister and I. I don't know how to be polite, I have not known manners, I do not know how to excuse myself from the table or how to ask someone for help. When ever I try they've given me more problems instead.

I'm not like Travis. At all. He knows how to dress and how to look and... well I moved to a new town with nothing. I have nothing. I am nothing compared to him. All these stupid people want to fix the mess I am. I just want them to accept it. That would change me instead of trying to force me.

Stop trying to get to know someone who could possibly be me. Because it's not me yet. Or ever. This is me. I am angry. And I carry with me despair and anger. Sparks in the night, embers in the ash of the woods. Stop trying to touch fire. Stop trying to touch fire. Stop trying to touch fire.
  ʟʏᴅɪᴀ / Indefinite / 1d 8h 5m 52s
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No ya dumb ass. Two or three people moving in together or not all of e's. It might veto you because you love my besties dick so much you keep tabs on him like crazy, but honestly you're so stupid. Why you even bother coming back on is ridiculous. Your existence is unneeded. She even said she doesn't bother keeping you in her life before. Just bugger off and make everyone happy by doing something else with your life.

My sick is still with me, probably a cold. I think it's getting remotely better. But I'm not too sure. I can't wait to play dark souls with Rye. So excite. So excite.
  ʟʏᴅɪᴀ / Indefinite / 2d 7h 21m 43s
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[coming+soon [center [size15 [#859ecc [b When you were cold all morning and then find out its because you're getting sick aye lmaaao gonna sit in a tub full of boiling hot water noe
  Indefinite / 4d 4h 3m 8s
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[coming+soon [center [size15 [#859ecc [b It's so crazy that you can tell I'm upset by the look in my eye and the sound of my voice. I don't know what it is about you but it doesn't scare me to open up to you. It doesn't scare me to share my thoughts and feelings. I'm only scared you won't be around for forever. It is so quick to even say that, but I can't help it. You're so needy, demanding, you're spoilt, and you're so perfect. I don't want this to end. But plans are plans and the chances are that I'll stay are so unlikely.
  Indefinite / 4d 7h 28m 35s
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I am not yours. I am not a fucking pet for you. I am your friend and letting some fucking crush get in the way of it is pissing me off. I am a person and I don't want to blow up on you. I am pushing you away because you're fucking making me suffocate and everytime I try to watch a movie or something you can't help but fucking lecture me. Stop telling me these things.

Travis isn't stealing me away
I don't even know why you're so fucking upset over this

I AM NOT YOURS
I DON'T LIKE YOU
I AM MY OWN PERSON

NO ONE CAN CHANGE ME
I AM BROKEN
I AM CLOSED OFF
I DON'T FUCKING STAND BY AND LET PEOPLE TELL ME THE SAME SHIT EVERYDAY

I am a fucking bitch
I don't like you like that
You are my friend and stop thinking you've got a chance
Stop sticking your nose in my business
What I do with someone else is my deal.
Stay the fuck away
  ʟʏᴅɪᴀ / Indefinite / 5d 7h 51m 22s
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[coming+soon [center [size15 [#859ecc [b I am here.
I am here.
Take it out on me- anything. God.
Push me, hate me.
Hit me. Please.
I'm here for that. I'm here to protect you.... I need you to take out your hurt, I know it's bad to take it out on anyone but.... put it on me. Fuck. You can't hurt me, anymore. Just let me be the strong one.
What do I have to do to make you stop hurting. I'm so upset with myself.
God, I'll hug you when you won't want them.
I can not fucking be without you again.
I can not have you hurting again.
  ʟʏᴅɪᴀ / Indefinite / 6d 10h 50m 58s
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I'm the fire everyone loves. Too painful to look at, though. I'm too intense. The star that burns brightly promising a smile on all those around me. But.. I still am fire. I've got lava inside of me, don't touch it. Everyone who gets close gets charred. I am fire. Those who withstands it are truly beautiful. Not that I hold spite for those who turns away from the sun. You belong with the sea, cool and wild. My heart will burn passionately for you, but we are of two entirely different worlds and lives. Why bother with the inevitable...

Fuck.
I don't care.
I'll love you in every moment we have together. You don't care to if the flames whip your flesh. I promise I will do my best to shine on you.

I am a star.
And I will NOT let you try and take down those who can withstand my heat. Because unlike you, they can take the pain.
  ʟʏᴅɪᴀ / Indefinite / 6d 18h 4m 33s
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[coming+soon [center [size15 [#859ecc [b

Rye,
You're safe with me.
I will bite any throat that intends to harm you.
I won't let you be what they want you to be and I won't let them fucking hurt you. I promise. If I fail then you can do what ever you deem worthy to me as punishment.
I swear, I love you and if I have to fight the world for your happiness then Jesus fucking H Christ I will.
It's you and me, best friend. It always has been.
  ʟʏᴅɪᴀ / Indefinite / 7d 7h 34m 15s
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[coming+soon [center [size15 [#859ecc [b Travis slept over.
Ugh.
God.
He's so amazing.
Imeanweallhaveourflawsbut
He's so opportunistic. It's crazy. His voice is sweet and his eyes are so beautiful. I'm pretty sure I have bite marks all over my neck. My lips were red and raw from kissing t any waking moment.

HIS HAIR THO
HIS CURLS THO
HIS EYES THO
He even offered to drive me to Winona and kick some ass... haha. He's so great.


In the time I spent with Travis, though, my friends have been going through some things. I need to be there for them today.
  ʟʏᴅɪᴀ / Indefinite / 7d 9h 51m 52s
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[coming+soon [center [size15 [#859ecc [b OKAY ANYONE ELSE WANT TO TELL ME THEY THINK IM DATEABLE BEVAUSE IM CONFUSED AS FUCK AND LIKE SHOOK

I AM SO FUCKING SHOOK

CAN ALL YOU MOTHER FUCKERS COME OUT OF THE SHADE NOW BECAUSE APPARENTLY IM VLIND AS FUCK AND NEED VOCAL CALL OUT TOO

I DONT UNDERSTAND YOU PEOPLE IM SHIT
  Indefinite / 9d 17h 20m 28s
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[coming+soon [center [size15 [#859ecc [b It's getting so hard pushing you away and every time I try I feel like I get weaker and you get closer. You don't want meeee.... I'm not right.... you should have came when I'm more older and smarter.. when I've lived more and love better. I don't love you. I just like you so much already... you'll regret this. You'll despise me.

I don't want to stop fighting. I don't want to watch you hate me. Not you. You made me promise if I woke up and wanted to talk or if something happened. I always want to talk... If I stop trying you'll get close and I'll fuck up. I'll fund something I hate. You're so damn amazing and so nice to me.

You're too perfect SOMETHING has to be wrong with this... and at this rate I just won't care anymore. I want you. I want to see you.
  Indefinite / 9d 18h 50m 59s
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[coming+soon [center [size15 [#859ecc [b Everyone is warning me about Travis.

He's such a fucking doofus.

He called me because apparently my text didn't go through. He was worried. It's cute. James called him stalkerish.

James can't talk though???? I don't know. I'm still so angry the sound of his voice makes me grind my teeth. I don't want him to feel bad and whatnot but honestly. Honestly. I'm not getting shit back. I'm so over it. Drop it. Leave me alone.

I really just want to be alone.
Well... I guess not really... (////////)
  Indefinite / 10d 6h 58m 31s
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[coming+soon [center [size15 [#859ecc [b go awsy and find someone else to bother
Stop bombarding my thoughts and making me wait for you.
Im so excited too excited for you I'm crazy stupid. Every notification i hope it's you. You've got a lot of things going for you, you know this town. Go pick up some other girl who is new to town you've got college that's easy. Go find someone else ready for your bullshit. This is going to go down in flames like everything I love does. Everything goes down in flames, I burn what I touch. And my anger gets the better of me, just stop trying to hug fire. Stop giving me hope and making me think you want to stay and be something. I'm not staying here for long I'm moving with tally and you're not coming with. You can't come youve got school and a life here. You don't know what it's like leaving all you know. I don't even know you and my stupid feelings keep waiting for you. I don't have reason i just feel. I dont know you and i dont want to. You're fucked up and Im fucked up leave me alone. What do I have to do to get to know someone before liking them? Because i don't get it, you keep catching me off guard and I like it. I like hearing what you say to me. I like your voice and I like how you talk. I like how you laugh and how nervous you make me. You won't like me. Im anxious all the time. I won't trust you. I love everything I see and hear. I love stupidly fast and get clingy stupidly fast. I already get giddy seeing your messages. I'm not over my shitty love. This isnt some sort of movie where I find someone else while loving another. And then at the end I get with the person who always appreciated me. I can and maybe even will rebound you. I already think about our hands and stuff. Touching. How shy you make me and what you have to say about it. Stop being on my mind. Stop being what makes my day when ive only known you for one.

I edited some of it because bad spelling and shhit and adding more.

I talked to you and honestly it was so great. It was amazing. So easy. Im... honestly so happy I'll meet you wednesday. I don't have anything nice.. I just hope you don't run. Don't run..
  Indefinite / 10d 10h 15m 27s
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Go away go away.
Leave me alone.
You don't want me. I don't want me. The person i loved more than anything didn't want me. You don't want me, I promise. So many other people will want what you have got to offer. I'm a fucking mess you barely know me go away.

Get out.
Get out of my head get out of my heart.

No one wants to be the one to mend my heart without being loved.
I don't want to be loved that way. I don't want to love anymore.

I hate you.
Im in love with someone else yet somehow you've manage to make me smile and wait anxiously for your next message. I'm so stupid. I'm so stupid thinking someone could like me. I just want attention. Right? To be loved because I hate myself? I won't love you? Isn't that how it works? I never wait to fall in love I just dive in. Im so dumb. Go away. Fuck off. My chest hurts.
  Indefinite / 10d 21h 52m 8s
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[coming+soon [center [size15 [#859ecc [b This guy doesn't even want to get in my pants and go. He wants to date me. He wants to get to know me and actually get to know me. Depression and anxiety... all of it. I told him I don't want to date or rebound him and he isn't talking to anyone else. I can't understand why someone who I warned that I'm awful would still stay and you would break me down and hurt me. I don't trust him but it makes no sense to me. You're awful and I won't let you in my life again. He even wanted to call me? Why would a stranger do that for me?
  ˢᵉⁿᵈ ⁿᵒᵒᵗˢ / Suga / 11d 3h 48m 5s
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