☆ Thoughts of a Fiend ☆

/ By Hostile [+Watch]

Replies: 206 / 2 years 178 days 7 hours 48 minutes 48 seconds

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  1. [Allowed] Suga


[Center Since I'm awful at opening up I'll confide here.][center Maybe posting publicly will help me.][center Hate-read all you like.] [Center Request access for special commentary/additional thoughts/exclusive information.] [Center Just kidding.] [Center Now scram.]

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Roleplay Responses

I’m writing a song omfg I’m so excited like??? It’s a basic ass song because I’m basic as fuckkkk but it doesn’t sound terrible xD
  ᴋʀᴜʟ ᴛᴇᴘᴇs / Indefinite / 6d 23h 43m 42s
Thinking of you but unsure of what to say.

[youtube https://youtu.be/9j8afmT-bLM]
  ᴋʀᴜʟ ᴛᴇᴘᴇs / Indefinite / 11d 13h 46m 3s
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[coming+soon [center [size15 [#859ecc [b me: I have BIG PLANS TONIGHT!!!!
Also me 20 mins in to our sleep over: I'm fuckin passing out so imma sleep

Woops
Urgh I'm so tired
  ᴋʀᴜʟ ᴛᴇᴘᴇs / Indefinite / 18d 3h 32m 34s
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[coming+soon [center [size15 [#859ecc [b Omg I need to make gifs of my baby krul tonight. Shes so cute and has like NO GOOD RENDERS OF GIFS UGH
I'm upset she doesnt get a lot of screen time being so cute.

Also sleeping over at neons tongihtttt <3<3<3<3 much excite
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[coming+soon [center [size15 [#859ecc [b Faith: we will be okay. We've survived the last one.
Also Faith: Last mecury retrograde Doug and I broke up and I had a mental breakdown.

Me: hahahahahahahaha fuck hahahahhaha
  ᴋʀᴜʟ ᴛᴇᴘᴇs / Indefinite / 20d 1h 11m 13s
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[coming+soon [center [size15 [#859ecc [b Me: mecury in retrograde is going to fuck my asshole. I have to be prepared this pisces season.
Not in even pisces season: *is testing me*
Me: FUC

I need to clench these stones hella and mind my fucking business. Earbuds in, ignore the dummies. You got this. Control your fucking anger LMAO
  ᴋʀᴜʟ ᴛᴇᴘᴇs / Indefinite / 20d 2h 56m 46s
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[coming+soon [center [size15 [#859ecc [b It's so addicting. Seeing yourself in someone else's life.

It makes me feel real. Like I'm actually someone. Here. It feels so good knowing that you'd talk to me, intoxicating. I can't wait for more. It makes me a little sick knowing I'm so obsessed over you. I write to you unsure if you'd respond. If you'd even read it. I write words of adoration in Hope's to feed into my longing. Have you ever felt disgusted with yourself because you invest in something you shouldn't?

Because I find it exciting. Thrilling. The truth is I love doing these things when I shouldn't. I love putting everything on the line all at once. I'm just mentally fucked aren't I?

I woke up with chest pains in the middle of the night. They hurt. I haven't had pains like this since I left Ryan. Worst part is I'm not even stressed about anything? I'm just tired. And it hurts. It feels like I roll muscles over my rib cage. They get tense and shut. Hurts.

I don't really wanna work today. Especially with the blizzard warning out. We will see I suppose....
  ᴋʀᴜʟ ᴛᴇᴘᴇs / Indefinite / 23d 3h 52m 26s
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[coming+soon [center [size15 [#859ecc [b I've been posting a lot in JE so I'll just go back to posting here.

My phone is like having a seizure. Pretty soon here I shouldjust straight up pay my mom my phone bill. Fuck might jusjust do it now even.

I've grown really attached to neon to the point I just get lethargic whenever I am not around him. It's been so long since I've been out with friends. And I've always been bad at leaving when I should. I like to linger and deny the reality that is gonna hit me like a hammer. I just wish it would never end.

Travis has noticed my sleepiness lately. It seems like sleep doesn't help. We are guessing it's me still being sick. My throat got worse and there is supposed to be a storm tonight. Depending on how bad we may or may not be able to have power or go to work LOL.

I want to do a reading asking the universe if it has plans for me that include my uh... talent? I guess? I don't specifically know what it is... but I want to accept it. Perhaps they changed their mind because I doubted.

I've been editing to Life Is Strange and it's coming out sooooo great! I just need motivation to relearn how to use adobe products.

I haven't been depressed it just seems I've been exhausted without reason. Taking naps don't help. Just make me wanna sleep more/longer.

I downloaded the sims and played a little bit of it. It's more overwhelming than I remember LMAO. Maybe I just get overwhelmed easy.

To any stranger reading this: do you ever think about the person who ghosted you? Do you wonder if they just lied about who they were this entire time.... that's why you can't find a trace of them? I miss him. I wonder where he is and why he never came back after getting so close to staying in touch with me. A part of me aches to love him. He was kind and funny. Talented and he wawas my friend. But I just never got to talk to him. Right as I fell asleep he would come on. Or I'd get him and we'd talk for a few minutes before he disappeared or I would fall asleep. It just felt like it wasn't meant to be. But I miss him. As a friend. As a being. I never let go of him. After all this time. After all these years. I'm 21 and I still think of you. I met you when I was 12. 9 years? I'm bad at math. I miss you. I hope who you said you were wasn't a lie. I hope we get to talk again..... luck has always been on my side. Except when it came to reconnecting with lost friends, I suppose.

My phone keeps fucking up so I'm gonna get it ready to master reset this bitch.
That's all for now.
  ᴋʀᴜʟ ᴛᴇᴘᴇs / Indefinite / 23d 13h 18m 10s
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I know you will have questions as to why I decided to come to this conclusion.
I know you will hate me.
I know you will hurt.
And just know I'm sorry.
But you don't want help.
You don't want to get better.
You can compare me to the others.
But the others were right.
And you don't seem to care much about me anymore anyways.

My best friend isn't here anymore.
And I miss him.
And I'm sorry.
I'm sorry it took so long for me to see.
Im so fucking sorry I wasn't here sooner.
But this is me bailing.
Like a bitch.
Because it hurts me to stand by you two and watch you fuck yourselves over.
I want you two to change. For the better.
But....
You guys aren't.
The people you two are now are monsters.
And I don't want to be friends with mosnters.
Goodbye.
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I hear it now.
.....
I hear the bells ring.
I hear the voices.
And the beautiful melody that I thought played throughout the church-....
Was just the echoes of the choir I was too late to see.
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&& I normally don't take people who try to degrade my best friend as pussy ass bitches who can't stand by their own words so they use proxy account but hey look, I guess you're here!!! ♡♡♡♡

I felt like I might have been spamming je too much.
And the person who decided to use that proxy more tha likely will find their way here anyways since they clearly got nothing better to do but lurk and shit and boil in their own useless anger.

Now that rye is talking again I'm fine and life is good and honestly couldn't give a fuck what anyone says just figured I'd make note that while I was upset a little, when I put down in words who you really are, you don't bug me at all. Kinda tickles me actually.
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[coming+soon [center [size15 [#859ecc [b She's quiet down.
Oddly enough.
I think I should tell you while I still can.
She sits in her lazy boy, a cigarette in her mouth and a cup of vodka in her hand. Sitting in her tshirt and underwear.
Waiting for me.
I'm her prey.
And the street light barely illuminate the room.
Penny is my enemy.
My friend.
She's protected me.
Fuck.
She's the reason why I'm here today.
But good god does it hurt to listen to her siren song.
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I can already see what I'm doing.
I'm pushing you away in fear.
All I see her black beautiful hair sprawled out beneath you.
Crazy, ain't it?
I've made her up in my dreams. She isn't real and yet somehow she's ruining it all for us. I feel like you don't even know me sometimes.
Your gifts were amazing. I just thought maybe things would be different.
I don't know.
Maybe I let her get into my head.
I let the person I never met in you wreck my heart.
Passionfruit won't stop playing. The room is dark.
Cat lady themed.
Tinted red and purple.
Just silhouettes of furniture in a room I don't recognize..
Drugged. Or drunk.
The song blurs and spins.
It's like I'm watching you on a stage in this dark room break my heart.
But it's not happening-I try to tell myself.
All I hear is the voice you probably used to get her to obey.
Take me away from my mind.
I can't do anything because this is wearing me down..
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I'm too scared to sleep.
Too scared.
I can't dream that again.
I can't dream of someone else having you.
I'm losing my mind.
I need to know what is happening to me.
I dream of being hurt over and over again.
It hurts so much and yet it feels like I'm unable to cry.
Or let anything out.
I breathe but it doesn't do me any good.
I can't do it.
My chest is tightening.
Is this anxiety or somethung else?
I'm so unsure of everything now.
I don't feel like I can confide in anyone.
Granted people check in on me but...
Good fuck.
I feel like I'm losing my mind.
I'm so sick to my stomach and I don't know what to do.
I'm out of control of everything.
I want to grasp for anything.
Help me.
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Me: wow I'm over it
Brain: how about we test that? Imma make you dream about you walking in on Travis cheating on you and not giving a shit
Me: oh.... well I guess I'm not
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