☆ Thoughts of a Fiend ☆

/ By Hostile [+Watch]

Replies: 198 / 362 days 14 hours 32 minutes 8 seconds

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  1. [Allowed] Suga


[Center Since I'm awful at opening up I'll confide here.][center Maybe posting publicly will help me.][center Hate-read all you like.] [Center Request access for special commentary/additional thoughts/exclusive information.] [Center Just kidding.] [Center Now scram.]

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I know you will have questions as to why I decided to come to this conclusion.
I know you will hate me.
I know you will hurt.
And just know I'm sorry.
But you don't want help.
You don't want to get better.
You can compare me to the others.
But the others were right.
And you don't seem to care much about me anymore anyways.

My best friend isn't here anymore.
And I miss him.
And I'm sorry.
I'm sorry it took so long for me to see.
Im so fucking sorry I wasn't here sooner.
But this is me bailing.
Like a bitch.
Because it hurts me to stand by you two and watch you fuck yourselves over.
I want you two to change. For the better.
But....
You guys aren't.
The people you two are now are monsters.
And I don't want to be friends with mosnters.
Goodbye.
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I hear it now.
.....
I hear the bells ring.
I hear the voices.
And the beautiful melody that I thought played throughout the church-....
Was just the echoes of the choir I was too late to see.
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&& I normally don't take people who try to degrade my best friend as pussy ass bitches who can't stand by their own words so they use proxy account but hey look, I guess you're here!!! ♡♡♡♡

I felt like I might have been spamming je too much.
And the person who decided to use that proxy more tha likely will find their way here anyways since they clearly got nothing better to do but lurk and shit and boil in their own useless anger.

Now that rye is talking again I'm fine and life is good and honestly couldn't give a fuck what anyone says just figured I'd make note that while I was upset a little, when I put down in words who you really are, you don't bug me at all. Kinda tickles me actually.
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[coming+soon [center [size15 [#859ecc [b She's quiet down.
Oddly enough.
I think I should tell you while I still can.
She sits in her lazy boy, a cigarette in her mouth and a cup of vodka in her hand. Sitting in her tshirt and underwear.
Waiting for me.
I'm her prey.
And the street light barely illuminate the room.
Penny is my enemy.
My friend.
She's protected me.
Fuck.
She's the reason why I'm here today.
But good god does it hurt to listen to her siren song.
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I can already see what I'm doing.
I'm pushing you away in fear.
All I see her black beautiful hair sprawled out beneath you.
Crazy, ain't it?
I've made her up in my dreams. She isn't real and yet somehow she's ruining it all for us. I feel like you don't even know me sometimes.
Your gifts were amazing. I just thought maybe things would be different.
I don't know.
Maybe I let her get into my head.
I let the person I never met in you wreck my heart.
Passionfruit won't stop playing. The room is dark.
Cat lady themed.
Tinted red and purple.
Just silhouettes of furniture in a room I don't recognize..
Drugged. Or drunk.
The song blurs and spins.
It's like I'm watching you on a stage in this dark room break my heart.
But it's not happening-I try to tell myself.
All I hear is the voice you probably used to get her to obey.
Take me away from my mind.
I can't do anything because this is wearing me down..
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I'm too scared to sleep.
Too scared.
I can't dream that again.
I can't dream of someone else having you.
I'm losing my mind.
I need to know what is happening to me.
I dream of being hurt over and over again.
It hurts so much and yet it feels like I'm unable to cry.
Or let anything out.
I breathe but it doesn't do me any good.
I can't do it.
My chest is tightening.
Is this anxiety or somethung else?
I'm so unsure of everything now.
I don't feel like I can confide in anyone.
Granted people check in on me but...
Good fuck.
I feel like I'm losing my mind.
I'm so sick to my stomach and I don't know what to do.
I'm out of control of everything.
I want to grasp for anything.
Help me.
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Me: wow I'm over it
Brain: how about we test that? Imma make you dream about you walking in on Travis cheating on you and not giving a shit
Me: oh.... well I guess I'm not
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[coming+soon [center [size15 [#859ecc [b After consuming a decent amount of alcohol
I have come to a realization
Why am I so fucking upset about some bitch who doesn't matter
I mean I knew that whilst sober but
Now I truly don't give a shit
I mean you loved her differently.... right?
I looked back at our conversations when we first spoke and
God
Was I so fucking about you
And I still am
I love you so much
I don't give a shit if some bitch before me hurt you
Because I can see how happy you are with me and I'm so happy with you
I love you to the moon and back, my baby.
I've changed for you
Well
Not per request but
Because I love you
And you make me want to be this way.
Better.
And you make me better.
Youre....
The better half of me.
And I know now that you won't do anything to make me regret feeling that way.
Because..
God-you're perfect. You are so fucking perfect.
I love you to bits.
No one ever bothered with my fucking annoying ass.
Not until you. You make me set my pride aside. You make me so happy. I want you happy. And thats exactly what I strive for. I am your protector. I love you I love you. And I will leave Mark's of my love on you for everyone to see. Because I'm jealous. And maybe possessive... but... not in an unhealthy wat. I trust you. I trust that you love me and you don't see anyone else when you kiss me. You're so fucking perfect how did I find you.... find you to inspire me to mend myself to be this way. I've never felt this way.only for mere moments before everything fell apart. You're my religion. My saint. My medicine. You're everything u could have ever wanted. I said this before but.. I never thought you'd exist. Someone who would want to talk things out with me and would apologize after every arguement. Who woukd try to help me be more polite, someone who would ask me softly whats wrong repeadly, someone who holds me at night and elbows my face in the morning... someone just as so fucking gorgeous as you. How did I get you??? How did I get such a wonderful man like you? I'm in tears. You're so perfect.
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Only fucktard me
Would have a panic attack about your past.
One you've let go.

...right?
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[coming+soon [center [size15 [#859ecc [b Imma kill myself over this game.
Life is strange is great.
Chloe and max aren't a good mix tho lmao
I like them as individuals but when they hang together they're such shit lmao
Maybe becayse I hate the fact Chloe has been nothing but bad for max
And Max is such a goody good
I relate but
I am so destructive like chloe
  ᵍʳᵒʷᶫ / Indefinite / 73d 22h 13m 3s
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[coming+soon [center [size15 [#859ecc [b Why? Why is this happening...

I wish I had gone
I would have helped.
I would have.
I just know.

I'm so tired..
  ᵍʳᵒʷᶫ / Indefinite / 82d 12h 34m 38s
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[coming+soon [center [size15 [#859ecc [b Why did I ever think
That water could tame the flames?
The cool air should have claimed it, right?
I'm such an idiot.
  ᵍʳᵒʷᶫ / Indefinite / 92d 18h 19m 7s
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Can't believe that you can't even fucking suck a dick to fix an a.c. for your son. You piece of shit.
You don't even acknowledge he's your son.
Ugh.
I wish I had more money to help. It's okay, I won't pay for my tuition this paycheck.
I cant.
Why am I so helpless?
  ᵍʳᵒʷᶫ / Indefinite / 93d 7h 53m 35s
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God I just want to die, honestly. Lol.
I'm doing my fucking best and you tell me to try harder.
Well fuck yeah Imma be mad. Lmao

I'm so tired of not being good enough for anyone. Even myself....
  ᵍʳᵒʷᶫ / Indefinite / 104d 19h 13m 48s
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I want to cry. My anxiety is through the roof.
I've been snooping.
I know it's stupid.
And I shouldn't.
But I can't stop it.
My anxiety is so loud and doing it makes it worse.
Nothing makes it better.
It hurts.
It hurts...
Help me.
  ᵍʳᵒʷᶫ / Indefinite / 104d 20h 36m 34s
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