As states, My thoughts.
What actually goes on in my head, that I don't bother people with.
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He finally said he loves me, and I couldn't stop smiling. I really didn't think I would hear it come out of his mouth so soon. No amount of alcohol in the world could have made me, be has happy as what I was, even when he got back to his place I was still smiling. He now knows how happy he makes me.
You know you're in an official relationship, when you he offers you his jacket knowing that he will be cold five minuted later, so you steal his scarf he left on the chair instead and he doesn't care.
I met his dad last night, it was weird and he knew my anxiety was playing up too, a;though I'm proud I actually ate in front of people I have only met a few times.
I had no intention staying at his place last night, but we both knew it was going to happen and I'm glad I did not only for the fact that it was cold, because I now know I can him when he has a nightmare. I'll admit though it was weird being in his bother's house alone this morning.
It's good that he knows the reason why I stole his scarf this morning too and he doesn't care.
I have such an amazing boyfriend.
I can't believe after all this time I saw you today, and how much memories of abuse came back. I'm not one to cry in public, but you fucking broke me. All the abuse, all the hate you made me have for my family. You're pathetic.
It was because of you, that I scared myself today and I don't know what scared me more, wanting to kill myself or wanting to add more scares to my wrist.. I haven't even told my boyfriend about it yet and I'm too afraid to.
I'm not going to allow your shitty attitude ruin the two great nights I've had in awhile.
If you were that worried if I was going home, then why not message me, It's not my fault I forgot. I was actually enjoying myself. Even if things didn't go to plan.
Friday night was fantastic, even if Joey did get kicked out of the bar. It was still a good night, I got to meet more of My boyfriend's friends and got to see him play it was still good to see him play and him not have issue with him recording it, although I think he knew why I was recording it.
Saturday we were meant to go Pokemon hunting, which he did for a little bit before catching up with some of our friends and continued drinking. Which then led us to the pub down the road, and then to the Swinging Pig to continue drinking. Mick did bring up some valid points on our relationship, and it's funny that his friends are okay and support it but the person that should be happy for us isn't. Personally I find that messed up. Oh well, I don't really care anymore. We are happy and that's all that matters.
It's also good that we actually have photos of us together, where we are actually smiling.
I actually got to spend time with mum today, and got my nails done with her today , but that got ruined by my step dad coming home.
All I want to do now is get out of the house, but I can't as I have no money until tomorrow.. Which fucking sucks, but it just means that I have to keep looking to Friday, even though the boy isn't that far away anymore, but after last week. I really don't know how much of a relationship I actually have left.
Hopefully e knows it was just my depression talking.
You know things are bad, when the only thing you can relate to in this house is the dog that get's beaten up by his own. Parents
So apparently the only way I can get a full nights sleep is if I skull two glasses of whiskey, and go to bed after midnight. Thanks for that body, I really needed that. However the other 5 kms I walked today should help me sleep well tonight.
Although me being gone for three hours, show how much the family really cares. I didn't even get a hello from anyone was soon as I walked in the door. I did feel good today but that has pretty much gone down the drain. Thanks for that guys, I really needed that.. (Not!)
To top things off, my stepdad pretty much assumed the other reason why my boyfriend wanted to come over last night was because I told Mick to message him.. Yep, thanks for having faith in me, it's good to see things never change. You have to remember he still thinks of you as a friend as well, but you apparently don't care, you think the worse is going to come out of this relationship. I'd hate to tell you, if there is going to be a break up it will be because of he breaks up with me, not the other way around. I have waited too long for this relationship, not to mention that there feels like there is a piece finally put back together. It's like every part of me can relax when he is around, I don't feel the depression as strong when I am around him.
Hmm, It probably isn't a good Idea for me to drink out of the the bottle, but I don't care. I'm an adult, so I can do what I want right?
Well this makes me fucking fell fantastic doesn't.
Sitting out in the cold waiting for you to come home so you can let me in and then when I try and help put the shopping away, I get told not to fucking worry about it. Not to mention the that fact that you kids have been in to my room and used my things, without even a simple fucking text message. You didn't pay for the shit they are using I did.
Thinking about last night and how much I enjoyed him falling sleep on my shoulder was watching SAO is helping with my mood or a change, it's actually making it worse. I'm pretty sure even listening to his music isn't even going to help..
I don't want to fall back into old ways, I really don't. I don't want him to look at my wrists and see that there has been new scars added to them, but it is getting so fucking hard right now.
Well that was a mood killer, thanks for that.
So all because I am dating your best friend, when you told me that if I think it is worth to go for it. You have done a complete 180 in regards to it.. Why the fuck should I care what you think about it, I'm happy that is all you should care about, being as you are my step father and all.. I did the right thing and spoke to you about it first, so what if he sent you a text saying we were together. At least he told you, and it's not like he's been able to see you when you have both had shit on.
FOR ONCE IN YOUR FUCKING LIFE, BE HAPPY FOR ME.
Knowing that you cared last night meant a lot, and I know with the whole being my boyfriend you are meant too, but you actually said it, even calling me your girl make feel like I was on top of the world.
And I wasn't lying when I said that I have been waiting so long to hear the words I like you come out of your mouth..
Although you really need to plan the phone calls at a better time, but I'm not going to deny the fact that I didn't enjoy it, it made me sleep a lot easier, even if my face did hurt from all the smiling.
"Your girlfriend" That's a term I could get used to.
One of the things that keeps me together is fucking having a routine, but no. That got thrown out the window when you came back last night, and now I get to spend the rest of the two weeks in my room because, You'll make some sort of smart ass comment if I come out and actually be social.
The thing I like about when you are away, is I actually get to spend time with my mother once the other two go to bed, but no.... once again you have stuffed that up by coming home early.
I wouldn't be so bad, if I was actually told earlier then, the morning of your flight..
Your my stepdad and I love you, but I just you would think of other people then just yourself for a change..
I guess all in all the sad part is, I can't even tell my partner nor my mum about this, because honestly it makes me sounds like a child.
Why should I do anything about it, when you have left it to the last minute? You have had two weeks to sort this shit out, and you haven't. But hey, that's none of my business. You've been too busy on the stupid fucking Xbox or watching TV. You are nine years old, you need to start getting you act together, otherwise I don't think mum and dad will continue to pay for your education at the school you go to.
Fuck I hate kids,
Thank fuck they go back to school today.
I'm starting to remember more and more of the events that occurred on Saturday night. I still find it funny, that someone told you I was a keeper, and you just completely changed the subject, but then again you already know that with hoe well we actually get along, and how well he was known it each other. I'm glad we are out in the open now, because I meant what I said about refusing to be kept in the dark. But it became obvious that we were together anyway, when you stuck by my side nearly the whole time, or the fact that you were kissing me.
I knew you had been single for awhile but to have everyone of your friends happy for you that you actually have someone, I was impressed with that, that did actually make me smile.
I also got told that I was part of the family, and his sister-in-law but your brother, makes me feel like I actually be long somewhere.
To see faces I had already met, when I was younger still talk to me, like I hadn't been away fro 8 years.. Well once they had gotten over the shock that it was me, and not the 13 year old kid that yet first met.
I know I will see more of them.
It's still surprises me that we can talk to me sober, I know he was some difficulty with that, but he knows I hate people as much as he does. However, I am okay with just sitting there on the couch with him and watching T.V without saying a word.
I wouldn't leave him for anything, I can actually way with meaning I love this man, everyone else that I have dated I have realized I only dated to try and get rid of the feelings I had for him, but I still kept listening to his music with a smile on my face, I still kept keeping tabs on his Facebook .
The only things I'm worried about his telling who I really am.
You little shits, really know how to ruin a perfectly good weekend, don't you?
I had the time of my life last night and as soon as I take one step in the door, all I get is "Why is she here, I liked it better then she wasn't here."
I'm aware of the fact he's just a kid and my little brother but I shouldn't be treated like that.
All in all though, last night was a good night, I saw people I haven't seen in over 8 years and met new people, while my relationship with my boyfriend is now official, and I couldn't be happier about that..
I've waited years to be with him, and I finally have him.
It's hard to explain how I feel about him, it's like a part of my is finally complete and relaxed. My depression doesn't kick in as much and it finally feel like a have a purpose in the world.
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