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I'm wondering if you ever miss it at all, our old routine, us.
Skype calls with me are no longer, you have new people to call everyday now.
I miss your voice but I wonder if you miss mine.
I wake up each hour still.. I'm not used to it still.
Is this really how it's supposed to be..?]]
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I must be.. the only one left in our chamber of memories.]]
[center [size10 It just makes me realize I would have never been enough.
I express a little differently and of course back then wouldn't have been the same as 5 years from now.
I would be more successful, I wouldn't be only using loan money to survive through university and even just buying food.
I tried to make up for what I felt I was lacking in, tried to at least keep up.
But man, I was just a disappointment.
I understand.. it just really sinks my heart to know I won't ever be good enough compared to others because I give no reason for others to flaunt about me.
I really wish money didn't mean a thing. But I guess that's just life..]]
[center [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNW71XASrbw]
[size16 [font "mistral" [b When Night Falls.]]]][size10 [font "times new roman"
The sound of feet lightly shuffled across the living room, belonging to a tired young man who had just got home from work. He plopped on the couch, letting out a sigh of both relief and exhaustion now that he survived the long day. He looked over with a small smile, knowing what he wanted to do next. Simply, he just wanted to relax, let his mind drift to sleep, and enter his happy place. It should be easy, considering how notorious he was to be quite a quick sleeper, always falling asleep in an instant the moment his body decides it’s time to shut down for the night. Almost instantly, lids closed shut, his body falling over the couch, head hitting a soft, cushion-like support to aid his comfort. As he began to free his mind from troubles of the day, his mind entered the hazy state.
A soft pair of pale thighs would substitute for the pillow in his bed. Although not as fluffy as a pillow, they were comfortable to him; the transferring of heat from the thighs to his pressed cheek was all he needed. He would nuzzle into them, a smile of peace following suit.
Gentle touches felt against the scalp of his head, fingertips gliding and tracing marks against it. Dark tresses brushed back in one direction, repeating like a pattern. A silver band of jewellery could be spotted in between the dark tresses as fingers continued to trace. A small cherry blossom lay atop of the band, untouched as it glides through strands. He would be relieved to see that it was still wrapped around a finger if he were to open his eyes.
[b “Stupid jerk… always so sleepy.”] A line of familiarity that held nothing but endearment laced in the soft voice. There was no pain behind it, no form of hostility or resentment. It was as peaceful as he was right now.
Warmth suddenly graced his cheek for a moment, the heat even warmer than the thighs. The warmth belonged to the soft pair of thick, plump lips that he was familiar with feeling on his own lips. They weren’t covered in any shade of lipstick but the nude of their skin. But admittedly, he loved them the most when they held no other colour. It simply shows a vulnerable state, one of comfort, as they did not show off for compliments and pictures, but just him to kiss in the early hours.
He shifted to lay his head backside-up, his face now exposed to the ceiling. If he were to open his eyes then, they wouldn’t meet the ceiling, but the pretty face that the plump lips belonged to. They would smile back at him, and expose their pearly whites that don’t show as often as he’d like them to. When they do though, he would always feels warmth in his core and more so when he was the one to make them show.
Dark, yet warm eyes would stare back into his and they would speak words that the mouth couldn’t. Long, thick eyelashes would cover those eyes as they blink, and he always found they were one of the most beautiful features. They would brush lightly on pale, round cheeks, in which he found was what always made his lips inclined to touch them and trace to the nose that he found was the perfect shape. Often, he would say that the nose resembled that of a kitten—small with a rosy flush on the tip. He looked at the familiar face as if he was staring at the sun rising to light up the dark night and start the morning—appreciative, grateful, and adoration.
[b “Quit staring at me… jerk.”] There it was again, the term of endearment in which it held slight embarrassment this time. But it was what he always loved to get from that voice. He loved to hear the nervousness—the tone where they are caught off guard—where they do not know how to handle the emotion. That would be the cue where he would take charge and make his own emotions known.
His tan hand grabbed the pale one, bringing it to his lips and pressed against the fingers, just beside the cherry blossom band. He would look up and watch the pretty face with their flustered reaction, gaining a smile for the young man. He let out a sigh of contentment this time. He would play with the pale fingers, intertwining to let their rings dance around each other until he would drift back into deep slumber again.
As soon as his hand drops, all was gone in an instant and he was alone on the couch. Dark brows furrowed as he tossed and turned, his body disagreeing with any position to sleep in, his leg accidentally knocking over a half-empty bottle of alcohol on the floor. But he didn’t care, let alone was even aware of it. He just wanted to go back to that pleasant state again. He just wanted to see the sun again to end the dark nights he’s been trapped in.
[center [i He just wanted to be happy again.]]]]
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You are so lovely in your sleep.
Because everything in your mind bothering you comes to a stop, and you're at peace..
Even if you snore.]
[size7 I'm still glad I still have that effect of keeping you at peace with the sound of my voice.
It's like you would just fall asleep in my arms, feeling safe.]]
Ah, the order didn't process the way it should've. Guess I spent too much?
Well.. at least it wouldn't have placed a burden on her to own it.
Something as heavy as that.. it shouldn't be coming from me.
It was supposed to be an upgrade, but.. now that's not happening..
Though it was really pretty.]]
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I'm not going to display anymore feelings of pain here.
I have a million things to say but I'm going to leave them unspoken because it should only be kept to myself at this point. I don't want to bombard this special person with pain that she should be moving away from.
I just want to highlight the post below.
Below shows the biggest love of my life, how great it was.
It means someone once saw the good in me and loved me to their fullest.
It shows at one point I made somebody happy, even if only for a short while.
Lastly, it reminds [i you] how capable you are of loving someone to your fullest and how wonderful a lover you are.
Never let someone like me take that away from you.]
[size8 Much love,
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[size12 [font "times new roman" I've done this before and like those many times before, I'm here to declare my undying love to you. However, this time will be a little bit different? this time.. well.. first let me start off with this..
[center [size25 [font "mistral" Thank you.]
[size12 For [i everything] you've done for me. Last night was only a small example but it was more than anyone could've done. Last night wasn't pleasant, I couldn't sleep because I was having panic attacks on and off-- but it could've been far worse. I had you there and that made the experience far better. I was able to stay at ease and eventually, fall asleep. You talked and talked.. you just..-- [i you really do love me.] It's such a beautiful thought, such a thing.. I have to pinch myself about it. You were so cute.. you were able to make me smile and even laugh in such a bad situation but like I said.. it wasn't all that bad in the end thanks to you.
I love you but.. those three words still aren't enough..
Thank you for loving me [i honestly] and with your all.
I didn't think it was possible, for someone like you to even exist.
I mean... to be this patient with me, this understanding, to fight through everything with me. You put my love on top and not everyone gets this, what I have, what we have. It's so rare and such a blessing.
I love the way you stare at me, the way you always want to touch my face, the way you plant kisses on my face, the way you kiss my tears away, the way you take my hand and kiss it, the way you touch me, the way you make love to me, the way you speak to me, even the way you smirk at me, the way you [i everything].
I am never alone because of you. When I need you, everything stops for you. I am absolutely, truly, in love with you. [i You are my everything, I would die for you. I would do anything for you.]
I just.. It's frustrating because I could sit here all night and just type about all my feelings but I just wanted to remind you that.. you have all of me. I appreciate you, I appreciate your love.. you are number one in my world. I'm truly happy and I'm even more so knowing that all these feelings are mutual... It's true, opposites attract. Not only do opposites attract but they can even fit perfectly together like a puzzle. I don't know what life is anymore without you. I just know.. we were meant for each other because nothing else can explain why we work so well.
I thought I had a type until I met you.. then I realized how wrong I was. You just pulled me in somehow.. and since then-- since then we've been like this, madly in love. We're a couple that respects each other and we've been supportive of each other in all aspects as well.. but in my eyes.. you've done much more. To me.. it all feels god sent.. it feels like a blessing. I thank god everyday for you. I hope someday.. I'm able to do a better job at this.
I hope this reminds you of those times we used to write love letters to each other, love letters made at late hours, like now when the other is asleep and then the next morning, we'd wake up to something lovely. Not because we asked to do it, our feelings and actions have always been from the heart.
I'm sorry this entry has to come to an end but it's late, I have an exam tomorrow and instead of studying this last hour, I got sucked in by my feelings and decided to do this because it meant more to me.. wish me luck, okay? I know you always believe in me so I'll believe in myself.
I love you, Julie..
[right [size10 - Cindy.]]
[center [size15 One day I won't hate myself. And I hope you won't anymore either.]]
I want us more than anything.
I keep seeing a future with you, past the rough times we're having.
I keep seeing us laughing, laying in bed together, cuddling and sleeping and waking up together.
Away from everyone else who gets in the way.
They say 'in a perfect world' ...
But being with you feels so right.
I know I can't live without you.. loving you.
But right now I hate myself a lot.. who I've become.
It's getting in between us, hurting you.. hurting me
But I know this is me.. figuring out what I believe in at the same time.
Yet it's so painful..
I want to one day, given if I get another day..
be able to love you right again.
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You make me grow as a better person than I was a day before.
You encourage me to do what I feel is right, to not be afraid.
You accept me for all that I am and love what I represent.
I can't wait for you to come and see me.
I can't say it enough - how much you mean to me.
But I've said this again and again,
You're my home.]]
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When you love someone, you love them with all of your heart.
I'm just the lucky person that you chose to give it to.
I'm so happy with you.
I love you.]]
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[center [size29 [i I love you..]]]
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