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I guess it was for the best.
It wouldn't have worked out anyway. She's just not the one. Of course you already knew that but this welling of emotions in your heart. Is it disappointment? Anger? You expected so much out of her. Idolized her like a goddess what did you think was going to happen? That person you imagined never existed in the first place. From the beginning she was just like the rest. Only difference is that she happens to sort of be into some of the things your into.
bottle it up and use it as fuel. You're alone remember? Did you forget that? Those 4 years of pretending you weren't didn't change anything. And now that's all over and for what? For that woman to be passed off to the next guy willing? You wasted your own damn life. Don't do it again. Be alone and fucking distance yourself. Don't let them close, don't let them touch you. Rid yourself of the past and leave. That's what you want. Purge yourself, and them. And leave. it will happen soon.
don't let it get to you.
Soon you can relax. Just hold out until then. Then you can go back to normal and work on fixing your problems.
I think I'm still hung up on rejection but my brain is scrambled. I can't get my thoughts or emotions together.
Hey I feel like I lost weight again. So that's good right? I think atleast.
Oh, and she's confirmed it. Yeah it's not ever gonna happen. So what does that make her to you?
I dont know.. i just sorta... I still want her to be where she is. I explained something right for once.
"You're beautiful and you're perfect where you are in my life." It was probably the only thing I said right that night. It's true.
I just need to stick by that, and move on. She's the companion. The partner you wanted. She can encourage you to keep climbing. But she's not your goal. remember that. You're goal is something you haven't experienced yet. And when you do you wont have to chase after it.
But I couldn't help falling in love with her. Oh well. Atleast she's there to fall in love with over and over again. It'll hurt a bunch. But i said before.. and I still mean it. i'd rather that pain of heartbreak and rejection over that feeling of being alone.
And maybe one day i can leave that feeling for her behind. Follow my own advice.
i've decided against coming out to her about it. I'm sure she got my hints. and she said no. So that's that. Now I just need to focus on not being a fucking creep. That'd ruin everything. Just drop your attraction to her and everything will get better yeah? Who knows she might change one day eventually. But i'm not going to wait on her. I'm done waiting on people. it'll be a race to see who does what. But My door is open to her intimacy and that's it. yeah... Thats all it is. I should go.
keep your head on straight. I know. God i know... but just keep climbing
it will work. i promise.
im tired. and that wont ever happen with her, not that you wanted it to but still. focus on being a good person she can rely on. another fish will swim by.
Its my own fault. Im not human at all, i have no heart.
It got to me today. Everything. I hate myself. I just need to focus on getting through today.
Just get through today. Complete your new objective and just make it through today. Youll figure something out. I dont know how but you will. You always have
God I've tried to ignore themail but they're weighing me down. The wires are everywhere and they're tying me up.
I need to make this work. This my chance. If this doesn't work now. I'm done for.
This is the rope and all I need to do is make the leap and grab it.
If I fail I'm as good as dead...
I'm so tired.
I just want to close my eyes and wait till tomorrow.
That person died. I miss her every day but she's gone.
I don't think Its ever been this bad.
I've never had to make an entry from my phone before. I can't describe how it feels right now because it's so cloudy that I can't think.
I read back a little... And whats wrong with me is clear as day. But the issue is still here. I'm still trying to smother my feelings. I still remember what caused all this. [i That moment] that beautiful morning. You know.. I almost said it to her. I was half asleep and my head was cloudy. But I slept better that night than I had in months. I almost blurted out "Thank you. For all the beautiful mornings" And I stopped myself, because I knew she'd hate me for that. I've tried pretty hard. Slipping up here and there but I swear its not on purpose. I honestly at the bottom of my heart don't wish for whatever the future brings to put her into a position where a friend she cares about is now someone she has to avoid. I won't ruin that for her just because of how I feel.
I think this is my role. To look at her from a paper box i can at any point tear through. With only willpower stopping me... Barely. And I know it's not healthy to go through with what I'm doing but as much as my brain says i'm bringing hell down onto myself with this, immediately everything else in my body is telling me I want to be closer to her.
I fought myself literally having a mental battle just to not reach out and touch her. And even then I failed. A hand on the hip wasn't anything at all, but the surge of emotions I got when I did so made me tear up. I don't get it...
I'm usually strong when it comes to holding back how I feel but the moment I touched her all that melted in seconds. For a second that's what it was. And I was cured. From everything. Like the weight was lifted...I'm rambling because I mentioned this before. But it was the first time something so simple got the best of me.
And I know what the answer is. It's distance. Distance myself from her. Get her out of my life so I can stop this pain I'm having... But the truth is.. The pain from being around her doesn't in the smallest bit measure up to the pain I feel every day from isolation. From bottling up all my problems and trying to act okay. The guilt of what i've done eating away at me every day every time I close my eyes. When I'm around her. I can forget all of that.. And just for a little bit... Be normal.
And I'll take the heartwrenching pain with it. Even if she finds a guy, and I hate that guy.. I'll take that pain because what she's done for me without even trying is worth that much to me.
I know I shouldn't use her to help me build my walls. its like making a stone castle on a glass window. But... There isn't anyone else. Not my parents. or my freinds. No one. Shes the only person I can connect to. And I just happened to go and fall in love with her. That's my problem. And i'll deal with it. Not hers. She shouldn't have to deal with my problem.
Just... Some thoughts for a time when I'm not having a mental breakdown. Just so I can reaffirm myself when I do.
I have a theory.
I need to dedicate myself to doing hard things. Focus on challenging myself. Rising the ladder of difficulty to distinguish myself from this wretched place and the people around me.
I can't just want to be worth a damn. I have to work for it. And I realize that I've never tried to work for anything. I always took the easy way out.
Always gave up always gave in.
And I think the reason for that... Is because I never really tried hard at anything. Opting to be clever opting for the easiest path. I think... If I start working harder, start trying harder, to do more difficult things... Maybe that will directly bolster my initiative and smother my laziness.
I realized a long time ago that there's no one to help me. No one to pull me out of this pit... And if i wanted to become something more than a bottom feeder who just barely makes it in life like my parents and everyone around me... Then I have to climb out of that pit... I thought and thought for a long time on how i can climb out.. Looking for rope or a ladder. hoping someone would throw something down and pull me out or at the very least give me a way to do it myself... But I think... I think there is no ladder. No rope. the only way to get things like that is luck by association. I don't know anyone with rope or ladders. And so the only way to climb is with my teeth and nails. And it sounds really hard, and the option was always there. I just kept hoping there was a better way... I don't think there is. I need to stop hoping there was, always hoping in the back of my mind that someone would help me when I told myself no one ever would over and over.
I'm a hypocrite, and I pity myself every day doing the bare minimum and patting myself on the back while pretending that i'm any better than the trash around me. I'm not. And I'm at the bottom of the pit. And by challenging myself i think... I think that's my way out. The hell if i ever get recognized. I need to do this for myself. not for my petty hopes. I'll never get anywhere if I keep on like this.
I'm subhuman. And I don't value myself at all. I honestly believe that i'm truly worth less than the dirt i'm standing on. And I don't think anyone could convince me otherwise because no matter what they say i'll always think back to what I did. Those sins crawling on my back weighing me down. There's no chance of me raising my self esteem. But maybe, maybe if I work hard... Maybe The things I've done will at the very least allow me to walk around like a normal person. instead of rendering me immobile and eating me alive slowly.
I sit unmoving watching people live their lives while i let mine waste away. I'm already 21... It wont be long before i'm 25.... Then 30... Then 40... I've wasted enough time as it is. Its already been 8 years since then. And I've let it shackle me for 8 years. A ball and chain not letting me move on. And I'll never really get rid of it... But I can learn to live with it. Attone for what I did. Not for anyone else but myself... And if that fixes everything else in the process, it's a plus.
I don't deserve to relax. I've done enough of that. I need to take every chance I can get to work hard and do challenging things. I need to climb out of this pit. Or I'll left down here until I cease to exist.
I decided to put my hand on her hip. And then within moments all the emotional turmoil I've been having vanished. All the insecurity all the worries about everything. Becoming better and not being good enough not being accepted being litteral subhuman trash. Being judged all of it. Just gone. And for a moment I tricked myself into thinking I was worth a damn. I pretended I was the guy I wanted to be and for that moment I felt better than I had in months. Actual physical contact with someone just made my heart rest. All the loneliness and problems felt a little more bare able. And I realized I hadn't had it in so long. Since the first day I met with treece really. I want to be loved by someone instead of trying to love for it to explode in my face. That's my cure. And it's so far away it's blinding
i'm going to die like this. I need to fix everything. I'm going to die like this. I need to fix it. If i dont i'm going to die like this.
I'm prretty sure my mental state isn't very well right now. These last 4 days have been hell. I can't think straight or get things together in my mind.
This keeps up i may actually need a shrink.
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