I can't see.
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Thats nice and dandy but you do care about her. You want her to be happy, you want her to be enjoying herself. This place wasnt for the feeling of anger or annoyance, she should come home to escape. So should you. You need to get rid of this financial stress and pay her back. Then you need to step up and talk to her, about everything. Else next time you feel like this youll explode. And this whole thing will crash.
She even said it herself. You didnt make her mad, something else did. Is she worth all this? Probably not. But shes important to me damnit. And if i cant get over this feeling of needing her around then the least i can do is make her happy.
there's that feeling again. But this time its a little different. Enough that I can use what i figured out before.
For now you should just draw. Draw the things you want and just work your way through it. think about this rationally. Why does what she does even matter to you? Why do you care? She's not your type, she's not someone you find pretty, and yet you fell in love and you cant let go. You're too old to be dealing with this type of shit. Just get your money, pay your way and improve yourself.
This place im in.
It hurts. it feels like i fell down. and i can't see. It scares me and it might get so much worse if i let go.
i know i shouldn't doubt myself but i'm deluded. and i'm pretty sure i was forcing myself to see things that weren't there.
I'm just as alone as i always had been.
and i have an anger problem. Possibly its always been there and it comes from frustration.
I need to tone it down. And its time for me to leave again. Once dylan goes home. I'm shutting everything down and starting over.
Even in all that's going on she completely dominates my mind. Everything i do, the notion that its for her comes to mind. And everything I try to achieve i cant help but think i want her to see it and be impressed.
This whole [i in love with a woman who hates the idea of love] thing really blows. I mean. I knew it would suck if i couldn't drop it, but every day this oppressive force is both crushing me and keeping me going. Why?
I'd like to just drop all my wants for women entirely. Just focus on what's important. Girls have been such an important part of my life up until now. And almost as far back as i can remember. Is it my genes? Am I just like my father? Or are these thoughts completely my own?
No one will answer these questions. I just sort of need to deal with it and move forward.
her being here is a blessing because i can keep motivated at the very least with the thought that she's watching what i'm doing and reacting to how much of a shit i'm being. So i was right to do this atleast. She may not actively be encouraging me or helping me at all. But just the fact that i cant stop thinking about her means i need to keep going or else.
Then it's a curse because i know in my heart she'll never feel about me the way i feel about her. and that's not her fault. But that doesn't make the problem disappear. I don't think anything ever will.
its as if your eyes have become windows to a bottomless abyss. It's striking, conscidering how human you look otherwise.
Depend on yourself.
Lean on yourself not on others. Continue your path and one day you'll become human.
One day you wont be less.
You need to focus. Keep focus. You have a goal and you need to achieve it. Not for her. but for yourself.
You're tired I know you're screaming inside but just keep climbing. Don't give it time to stay latched onto you. If you stop climbing now it will eat you whole and drag you back to the bottom.
Go to bed idiot. You can't think anymore. You're alone but you have me. and at the very least I can keep your head on straight when it overflows and seeps back into you trying to destroy you.
You want so badly to become that thing. Don't try to get there in a way that destroys you. it wont help.
I guess it was for the best.
It wouldn't have worked out anyway. She's just not the one. Of course you already knew that but this welling of emotions in your heart. Is it disappointment? Anger? You expected so much out of her. Idolized her like a goddess what did you think was going to happen? That person you imagined never existed in the first place. From the beginning she was just like the rest. Only difference is that she happens to sort of be into some of the things your into.
bottle it up and use it as fuel. You're alone remember? Did you forget that? Those 4 years of pretending you weren't didn't change anything. And now that's all over and for what? For that woman to be passed off to the next guy willing? You wasted your own damn life. Don't do it again. Be alone and fucking distance yourself. Don't let them close, don't let them touch you. Rid yourself of the past and leave. That's what you want. Purge yourself, and them. And leave. it will happen soon.
don't let it get to you.
Soon you can relax. Just hold out until then. Then you can go back to normal and work on fixing your problems.
I think I'm still hung up on rejection but my brain is scrambled. I can't get my thoughts or emotions together.
Hey I feel like I lost weight again. So that's good right? I think atleast.
Oh, and she's confirmed it. Yeah it's not ever gonna happen. So what does that make her to you?
I dont know.. i just sorta... I still want her to be where she is. I explained something right for once.
"You're beautiful and you're perfect where you are in my life." It was probably the only thing I said right that night. It's true.
I just need to stick by that, and move on. She's the companion. The partner you wanted. She can encourage you to keep climbing. But she's not your goal. remember that. You're goal is something you haven't experienced yet. And when you do you wont have to chase after it.
But I couldn't help falling in love with her. Oh well. Atleast she's there to fall in love with over and over again. It'll hurt a bunch. But i said before.. and I still mean it. i'd rather that pain of heartbreak and rejection over that feeling of being alone.
And maybe one day i can leave that feeling for her behind. Follow my own advice.
i've decided against coming out to her about it. I'm sure she got my hints. and she said no. So that's that. Now I just need to focus on not being a fucking creep. That'd ruin everything. Just drop your attraction to her and everything will get better yeah? Who knows she might change one day eventually. But i'm not going to wait on her. I'm done waiting on people. it'll be a race to see who does what. But My door is open to her intimacy and that's it. yeah... Thats all it is. I should go.
keep your head on straight. I know. God i know... but just keep climbing
it will work. i promise.
im tired. and that wont ever happen with her, not that you wanted it to but still. focus on being a good person she can rely on. another fish will swim by.
Its my own fault. Im not human at all, i have no heart.
It got to me today. Everything. I hate myself. I just need to focus on getting through today.
Just get through today. Complete your new objective and just make it through today. Youll figure something out. I dont know how but you will. You always have
God I've tried to ignore themail but they're weighing me down. The wires are everywhere and they're tying me up.
I need to make this work. This my chance. If this doesn't work now. I'm done for.
This is the rope and all I need to do is make the leap and grab it.
If I fail I'm as good as dead...
I'm so tired.
I just want to close my eyes and wait till tomorrow.
That person died. I miss her every day but she's gone.
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