I can't see.
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i just cant. I hope reading over these will help.
I really hate this
i dont have a backup plan.
Its like i was shouting into a glass wall. and the person on the other side decided to let themselves fall. and im here curling up on my peice of rope swinging in this dark pit.
I heard of this before. Some people are just rocks. Unmoving in their paths. And i was a fool for trying.
If the worse case scenario happens. I'll find my own place for 400, and live there. by myself. Go to work and just kinda.... Do that... For a long while. And let the chimes dictate my moves.
Those sweet chimes that reassure me.... Help me... just like that base... It helps to hear it.... If i didn't have these things my life would be a swirling mess.
Remember what she said Aaron. if she had the chance, and she could live on her own she would. And that after everything i did. I'm tolerable. Remember those words. That's... Sad to hear... For me.
why is everyone such a waste of time?
Her included. Why am i even dealing with these things called people. I just need to lock myself in and forget all these feelings
isolate myself and just lock everything in.... I just need to focus and everyone is a distraction. I need to do something with myself, i need to wrap all of this up and set it on fire i need to be alone and be fine with being alone but im not. WHY DO I CARE!? WHY I DON'T FUCKING GET IT. i JUST WANT TO MATTER AND I DON'T KNOW WHY. WHAT THE HELL DO I DO.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO.
it keeps making me cry. How do i just stop....
i hate this feeling. i just want to curl up and wish this existence never happened.
odds are i never will and i know it. Odds are i just waste this life then proceed to not exist. This existence thing. As wonderful as it is, ive only felt pain through most of it. Its the reason my head was always in the clouds. But now im trying to tackle it. and im staring into this place of darkness i cant rip myself out of.
So you did it.
You came clean. For what? To find out that she doesn't care and never will? Why are you trying? What will you do? She's on your mind every day, and you cant stop thinking about her. And as long as you live with her your trapped. You wove yourself into this situation.
Do you go to other women to try to forget her as much as possible
Or do you enslave yourself to an uncaring goddess who doesn't have any hint of empathy in her mind.
You knew you didn't have a chance, you thought before there was a reason, but now you've found out there isn't one. She just, doesn't.
[center She just doesn't]
[i what does that even mean?]
Maybe im exploding with her in my mind again. I need a plan. For one, i think seeing her this weekend might be a bad idea. It will only solve the problem of my sexual libido for a short time at best.
I need a plan...
First of all i need time. Time to pass before i can continue acting. What do i do with the way i'm feeling right now? All these overwhelming feelings of love in my heart.
I need to distract myself. I need to work on myself. Ive been so distracted with her that ive forgotten that i hate myself. And i feel like that feeling is important to me. I hate me. I hate me I just want to disappear.
No i dont....
I just need to think. I cant see where she is right now, and i dont need to. I need to try to be better than her too. I need to try. I cant let this be what makes me let go of my hold. Looking down i can see that ive climbed far. Then again it always looks higher than it is.
I cant impress her. I can't make her think i'm worth while because she doesn't give a flying fuck about me.
I just need to work on myself. By myself. I need to tame my urges, forget what i want and focus. And if she decides to pay attention to me then. THen i'll ravish her. But at all costs i need to distance myself from her, as much as i dont want to. She'll hate me if i keep this up.
why do i care. I hate it so much.
Thats nice and dandy but you do care about her. You want her to be happy, you want her to be enjoying herself. This place wasnt for the feeling of anger or annoyance, she should come home to escape. So should you. You need to get rid of this financial stress and pay her back. Then you need to step up and talk to her, about everything. Else next time you feel like this youll explode. And this whole thing will crash.
She even said it herself. You didnt make her mad, something else did. Is she worth all this? Probably not. But shes important to me damnit. And if i cant get over this feeling of needing her around then the least i can do is make her happy.
there's that feeling again. But this time its a little different. Enough that I can use what i figured out before.
For now you should just draw. Draw the things you want and just work your way through it. think about this rationally. Why does what she does even matter to you? Why do you care? She's not your type, she's not someone you find pretty, and yet you fell in love and you cant let go. You're too old to be dealing with this type of shit. Just get your money, pay your way and improve yourself.
This place im in.
It hurts. it feels like i fell down. and i can't see. It scares me and it might get so much worse if i let go.
i know i shouldn't doubt myself but i'm deluded. and i'm pretty sure i was forcing myself to see things that weren't there.
I'm just as alone as i always had been.
and i have an anger problem. Possibly its always been there and it comes from frustration.
I need to tone it down. And its time for me to leave again. Once dylan goes home. I'm shutting everything down and starting over.
Even in all that's going on she completely dominates my mind. Everything i do, the notion that its for her comes to mind. And everything I try to achieve i cant help but think i want her to see it and be impressed.
This whole [i in love with a woman who hates the idea of love] thing really blows. I mean. I knew it would suck if i couldn't drop it, but every day this oppressive force is both crushing me and keeping me going. Why?
I'd like to just drop all my wants for women entirely. Just focus on what's important. Girls have been such an important part of my life up until now. And almost as far back as i can remember. Is it my genes? Am I just like my father? Or are these thoughts completely my own?
No one will answer these questions. I just sort of need to deal with it and move forward.
her being here is a blessing because i can keep motivated at the very least with the thought that she's watching what i'm doing and reacting to how much of a shit i'm being. So i was right to do this atleast. She may not actively be encouraging me or helping me at all. But just the fact that i cant stop thinking about her means i need to keep going or else.
Then it's a curse because i know in my heart she'll never feel about me the way i feel about her. and that's not her fault. But that doesn't make the problem disappear. I don't think anything ever will.
its as if your eyes have become windows to a bottomless abyss. It's striking, conscidering how human you look otherwise.
Depend on yourself.
Lean on yourself not on others. Continue your path and one day you'll become human.
One day you wont be less.
You need to focus. Keep focus. You have a goal and you need to achieve it. Not for her. but for yourself.
You're tired I know you're screaming inside but just keep climbing. Don't give it time to stay latched onto you. If you stop climbing now it will eat you whole and drag you back to the bottom.
Go to bed idiot. You can't think anymore. You're alone but you have me. and at the very least I can keep your head on straight when it overflows and seeps back into you trying to destroy you.
You want so badly to become that thing. Don't try to get there in a way that destroys you. it wont help.
I guess it was for the best.
It wouldn't have worked out anyway. She's just not the one. Of course you already knew that but this welling of emotions in your heart. Is it disappointment? Anger? You expected so much out of her. Idolized her like a goddess what did you think was going to happen? That person you imagined never existed in the first place. From the beginning she was just like the rest. Only difference is that she happens to sort of be into some of the things your into.
bottle it up and use it as fuel. You're alone remember? Did you forget that? Those 4 years of pretending you weren't didn't change anything. And now that's all over and for what? For that woman to be passed off to the next guy willing? You wasted your own damn life. Don't do it again. Be alone and fucking distance yourself. Don't let them close, don't let them touch you. Rid yourself of the past and leave. That's what you want. Purge yourself, and them. And leave. it will happen soon.
don't let it get to you.
Soon you can relax. Just hold out until then. Then you can go back to normal and work on fixing your problems.
I think I'm still hung up on rejection but my brain is scrambled. I can't get my thoughts or emotions together.
Hey I feel like I lost weight again. So that's good right? I think atleast.
Oh, and she's confirmed it. Yeah it's not ever gonna happen. So what does that make her to you?
I dont know.. i just sorta... I still want her to be where she is. I explained something right for once.
"You're beautiful and you're perfect where you are in my life." It was probably the only thing I said right that night. It's true.
I just need to stick by that, and move on. She's the companion. The partner you wanted. She can encourage you to keep climbing. But she's not your goal. remember that. You're goal is something you haven't experienced yet. And when you do you wont have to chase after it.
But I couldn't help falling in love with her. Oh well. Atleast she's there to fall in love with over and over again. It'll hurt a bunch. But i said before.. and I still mean it. i'd rather that pain of heartbreak and rejection over that feeling of being alone.
And maybe one day i can leave that feeling for her behind. Follow my own advice.
i've decided against coming out to her about it. I'm sure she got my hints. and she said no. So that's that. Now I just need to focus on not being a fucking creep. That'd ruin everything. Just drop your attraction to her and everything will get better yeah? Who knows she might change one day eventually. But i'm not going to wait on her. I'm done waiting on people. it'll be a race to see who does what. But My door is open to her intimacy and that's it. yeah... Thats all it is. I should go.
keep your head on straight. I know. God i know... but just keep climbing
it will work. i promise.
im tired. and that wont ever happen with her, not that you wanted it to but still. focus on being a good person she can rely on. another fish will swim by.
Its my own fault. Im not human at all, i have no heart.
It got to me today. Everything. I hate myself. I just need to focus on getting through today.
Just get through today. Complete your new objective and just make it through today. Youll figure something out. I dont know how but you will. You always have
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