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Hi, i do custom tokens. I've used roll20 for a year or two now and i figured i should put my art skills out there. I apologize if this is the wrong place to post my commission sheets as i haven't seen any other artists posting customs on here after a brief search. And if there's a better place and I've overlooked something please say so. So, the commissions in question. I do custom tokens. along with character portraits and full body works. my prices and contact info are all here. If your interested, please contact me on any of those medias. And while i will be checking back here frequently, i doubt its a good idea to talk individual commissions in the thread. But if you have any questions I'd be more than happy to answer them.
Inhales [+red anger rant] I spend so much time hating how things turned out. Being bitter over not getting what i want. Trying to ignore that bitternesss so i can be an acceptable person. She's just like my parents. Just as ignorant. Just as intollerant and refusing to have an adault conversation. I litteraly had to force her today because i wasnt going to sit quietly whilst she talked shit about me. Maybe she can love with someone with that relationship, but i cant. I wont. Shes so much worse than i thought and im done. Its happening where all that love i had is becoming anger towards her. And shes helping it along. I refuse to fold and move out. And i also refuse to bend over backwards because she cant handle things not being squeaky clean.
I cant handle dog hair all over everything. Or a cat that eats my cords or a woman whos timing my chores like a mother. But i do. If shes gonna play this we're nothing to eachother game then ill play too. Ill handle my shit to a letter and we can throw this bullshit friend relationship out the window. If i have to make a whole handful of compromises to live with her the bitch needs to do the same and step the fuck up like an adault. Have a coversation or two and maybe i wouldnt be forced to go off on her to solve simple ass problems. Im done being sad. And im done being belittled and stepped on. If her job is grating her into a bitch then she needs to fucking drop the job or find some way to releave stress aside from being beligerant to her roomate.
God i was so dumb.
Those rose colored glasses were so thick when it came to her. I have so much pent up regret and rage in me. Leaving would be the best idea. Its done between us. I broke her trust and i deserve how shes acting towards me. I was never anyone special to her. Just a guy. And just like any other guy she can will has, thrown me away. Now we're so distant it hurts. And she'll probably never open up to me again. My own fault over a stupid headset.
Its draining everything. Of course i cant muster the strength to draw my heart has been smeared across a sandpaper wall and the one person i valued wants nothing to do with me. Hell she doesntt even want to be in the same room as me. And she'll never be straight with me. How can i survive this environment, let alone strive in it. And she doesnt want it fixed so why should i try to fix it?
Its clear to me now that shes that person. The person who threatens to end me. Shes the muse indeed. I used to do everything in her name. Now i need to do everything in spite of her. Stand on my own two feet and express my experiences so she and everyone else can see whats really going on with me.
[+red look at you. You're still very high up. And you let yourself slide so far down. Stop letting go and hold onto that rope tight. You have a whole group of friends now, responsibilities. People who look up to you. And you can see all this progress and potential. You have a plan. You know what you need to do and now
Youve found that spark. Her. Make her witness you. Make her see just how much farther you can get without her. Show her your potential. Leaving isnt the right answer. Youve found it. Use those powerful feelings as fuel. Make her witness the boy in black who hates his skin. ]
[Size30 Witness me. Because without you im going to flourish.]
Aaron. Go to bed. Start your revolution tomorrow. Show her who you are without her, what youre capable of. What you can do when you focus on yourself. Start sketchtember, then inktober. Do it alone. Then do your leftover comissions. Then your dnd tokens, then the comic.
But for now. Go. To. Bed. If your gonna stand up and show her what kind of man you are. You need cash, and lots of it. Create a finiancial catch up list and work on it. Also a health catch up list and work on that daily. Show her your not some pathetic nobody, and that your not weak and that shes gonna regret not giving you a chance.
Show her that you have become human again. And your going to do it right this time.
That last one hurt so much.
I need to keep trying to focus. Not much reason to life anymore but i have to keep trying. This anxiety thing is getting out of hand, and its being entirely caused by her.
When did this become such a huge problem for me. Before. It wasn't as much an issue as me just hating myself, but now, in comparison its become a much bigger issue for me.
What exactly came over me for my mind to be so trapped like this. Comparatively before atleast i wasn't threatening to destroy myself and thinking of suicide every day. So why the change?
Has being lonely with no one to connect to on any real level finally gotten to me? or am i just bitter because of my situation. Either way there are answers in my younger self and i need to look for them. Else i risk falling back down even lower than the bottom. This anxiety, this rising feeling in my chest. It doesn't need to be the end of me. I can get past this, i have to get past this.
Its been plaguing my mind for two years now its all i ever think about.
maybe i shouldn't think at all. We'll see.
im pretty calm, i just dont know whats best for me right now(edited)
i have no imput
no yes or no, no hate or love from kano. I'm just getting a pale grey indifference.
I cant tell if im making things worse
no, im definately making them worse
i should stop talking to her i think
let her go live her life and be on my own
if she wanted to come to me, she would.
just kinda seperate from her completely, not freinds, nothing.
Its not what i want to do, but i think it might be worth it if im only making her anxious.
i just cant. I hope reading over these will help.
I really hate this
i dont have a backup plan.
Its like i was shouting into a glass wall. and the person on the other side decided to let themselves fall. and im here curling up on my peice of rope swinging in this dark pit.
I heard of this before. Some people are just rocks. Unmoving in their paths. And i was a fool for trying.
If the worse case scenario happens. I'll find my own place for 400, and live there. by myself. Go to work and just kinda.... Do that... For a long while. And let the chimes dictate my moves.
Those sweet chimes that reassure me.... Help me... just like that base... It helps to hear it.... If i didn't have these things my life would be a swirling mess.
Remember what she said Aaron. if she had the chance, and she could live on her own she would. And that after everything i did. I'm tolerable. Remember those words. That's... Sad to hear... For me.
why is everyone such a waste of time?
Her included. Why am i even dealing with these things called people. I just need to lock myself in and forget all these feelings
isolate myself and just lock everything in.... I just need to focus and everyone is a distraction. I need to do something with myself, i need to wrap all of this up and set it on fire i need to be alone and be fine with being alone but im not. WHY DO I CARE!? WHY I DON'T FUCKING GET IT. i JUST WANT TO MATTER AND I DON'T KNOW WHY. WHAT THE HELL DO I DO.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO.
it keeps making me cry. How do i just stop....
i hate this feeling. i just want to curl up and wish this existence never happened.
odds are i never will and i know it. Odds are i just waste this life then proceed to not exist. This existence thing. As wonderful as it is, ive only felt pain through most of it. Its the reason my head was always in the clouds. But now im trying to tackle it. and im staring into this place of darkness i cant rip myself out of.
So you did it.
You came clean. For what? To find out that she doesn't care and never will? Why are you trying? What will you do? She's on your mind every day, and you cant stop thinking about her. And as long as you live with her your trapped. You wove yourself into this situation.
Do you go to other women to try to forget her as much as possible
Or do you enslave yourself to an uncaring goddess who doesn't have any hint of empathy in her mind.
You knew you didn't have a chance, you thought before there was a reason, but now you've found out there isn't one. She just, doesn't.
[center She just doesn't]
[i what does that even mean?]
Maybe im exploding with her in my mind again. I need a plan. For one, i think seeing her this weekend might be a bad idea. It will only solve the problem of my sexual libido for a short time at best.
I need a plan...
First of all i need time. Time to pass before i can continue acting. What do i do with the way i'm feeling right now? All these overwhelming feelings of love in my heart.
I need to distract myself. I need to work on myself. Ive been so distracted with her that ive forgotten that i hate myself. And i feel like that feeling is important to me. I hate me. I hate me I just want to disappear.
No i dont....
I just need to think. I cant see where she is right now, and i dont need to. I need to try to be better than her too. I need to try. I cant let this be what makes me let go of my hold. Looking down i can see that ive climbed far. Then again it always looks higher than it is.
I cant impress her. I can't make her think i'm worth while because she doesn't give a flying fuck about me.
I just need to work on myself. By myself. I need to tame my urges, forget what i want and focus. And if she decides to pay attention to me then. THen i'll ravish her. But at all costs i need to distance myself from her, as much as i dont want to. She'll hate me if i keep this up.
why do i care. I hate it so much.
Thats nice and dandy but you do care about her. You want her to be happy, you want her to be enjoying herself. This place wasnt for the feeling of anger or annoyance, she should come home to escape. So should you. You need to get rid of this financial stress and pay her back. Then you need to step up and talk to her, about everything. Else next time you feel like this youll explode. And this whole thing will crash.
She even said it herself. You didnt make her mad, something else did. Is she worth all this? Probably not. But shes important to me damnit. And if i cant get over this feeling of needing her around then the least i can do is make her happy.
there's that feeling again. But this time its a little different. Enough that I can use what i figured out before.
For now you should just draw. Draw the things you want and just work your way through it. think about this rationally. Why does what she does even matter to you? Why do you care? She's not your type, she's not someone you find pretty, and yet you fell in love and you cant let go. You're too old to be dealing with this type of shit. Just get your money, pay your way and improve yourself.
This place im in.
It hurts. it feels like i fell down. and i can't see. It scares me and it might get so much worse if i let go.
i know i shouldn't doubt myself but i'm deluded. and i'm pretty sure i was forcing myself to see things that weren't there.
I'm just as alone as i always had been.
and i have an anger problem. Possibly its always been there and it comes from frustration.
I need to tone it down. And its time for me to leave again. Once dylan goes home. I'm shutting everything down and starting over.
Even in all that's going on she completely dominates my mind. Everything i do, the notion that its for her comes to mind. And everything I try to achieve i cant help but think i want her to see it and be impressed.
This whole [i in love with a woman who hates the idea of love] thing really blows. I mean. I knew it would suck if i couldn't drop it, but every day this oppressive force is both crushing me and keeping me going. Why?
I'd like to just drop all my wants for women entirely. Just focus on what's important. Girls have been such an important part of my life up until now. And almost as far back as i can remember. Is it my genes? Am I just like my father? Or are these thoughts completely my own?
No one will answer these questions. I just sort of need to deal with it and move forward.
her being here is a blessing because i can keep motivated at the very least with the thought that she's watching what i'm doing and reacting to how much of a shit i'm being. So i was right to do this atleast. She may not actively be encouraging me or helping me at all. But just the fact that i cant stop thinking about her means i need to keep going or else.
Then it's a curse because i know in my heart she'll never feel about me the way i feel about her. and that's not her fault. But that doesn't make the problem disappear. I don't think anything ever will.
its as if your eyes have become windows to a bottomless abyss. It's striking, conscidering how human you look otherwise.
Depend on yourself.
Lean on yourself not on others. Continue your path and one day you'll become human.
One day you wont be less.
You need to focus. Keep focus. You have a goal and you need to achieve it. Not for her. but for yourself.
You're tired I know you're screaming inside but just keep climbing. Don't give it time to stay latched onto you. If you stop climbing now it will eat you whole and drag you back to the bottom.
Go to bed idiot. You can't think anymore. You're alone but you have me. and at the very least I can keep your head on straight when it overflows and seeps back into you trying to destroy you.
You want so badly to become that thing. Don't try to get there in a way that destroys you. it wont help.
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