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When all of the bs comes back, nothing ever changes.
Freaking telling ppl all my business to. Anything to taste that attention again bc I'm not around to "steal it." All you do is use, use, use.
You're not decent. Stop looking for ever opportunity to look that way. Because it's fake. You're literally the worst
What the hell did I wake up to
Freaking pulling away bc I can't handle it, I can't handle being close to anyone. Every person that ever told me they gave a crap lied to me they didn't care, they gave up on me bc I was too much to handle. All of them. How am I supposed to trust that I matter to you people. How can I? When as soon as tomorrow comes you can toss me away like nothing, I can't freaking be around that. I don't care, I won't let my self, just leave me alone. Get lost already, I'm so messed up. I'm no good for you people anyway. I'm too broken, no one can fix me.
What is like, to get the none crappest version of someone. To get the person that is suddenly so helpful and pushes you to make big life decisions, more likely for themselves then you. And then what are you going to do when they go off again and you don't matter and you did all this crap for a trash bag with a mask on. How dumb, trusting, and weak can you be. It's not strong to do something that idiot pushed you towards, even if it's really hard to do. It's stronger to work through it. And to change but whatever. I regret the day I ever got mixed up with this crap.
I know..it's stupid but that little tiger on my page, reminds me of a part of myself. Resistant, resilient, fiery, brat, tiny but not taking any idiots bs. That's why I put that song under it, it helped me forget so much about all the stupid stuff over the past few months and just try and help me find myself again.
[https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XucmoWQmO5E I had too tho...just can et]
I..might have a big brother again. I didnt know if I could take one after last time. We just went through..so much together. But it's..not like I need one or anything. J-Just..shut it! I know I'm a brat, that idiot better get used to it.
[https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=5iC0YXspJRM Where is my min]
I can't believe I have to write this out, wasting more time for no reason.
After you break up with someone there are certain boundaries that exsist. Certain things that are no longer expected of you. Certain responsibilities that you no longer have. Demands that can no longer be made if you. If a normal ex gf/bf was dying and needed assistance, I could probably help. But if it's an ex that is trying to kill themselves every four minutes bc they don't like the thing you said, you don't have an obligation to be there and help with that rediculousness. That is a form of control. And I have had it used against me countless times to keep me in a miserable unhappy relationship that I didn't want to be in. It is so screwed up to use my protective urges to pull me back into crap I don't want. If I say something and it gets you upset, so I try and leave, you don't get to pull me back by saying you'll kill yourself if I go. Or even that you're having a heart attack. I have an actual weak heart. That crap is not funny. You can utilize the other ppl in your life but you fucking refuse. I have to beg you to go to your friends and to stop trying to keep me here and I shouldn't have to do that. They fucking care. I don't. This isn't an exs job. We established how this is going to go moving forward and yet here you are doing the same crazy crap you always did before.
If you want me to stay around, in general, make it so I want to. Be sweet, be good, stop being crazy, stop dying every two minutes, be normal. I don't want to be around all that other crap. It makes me shut down. The only ppl getting anywhere with me lately are the people that keep trying with sweetness and kindness. They miss me when I leave, not try and kill themselfs. And if I say something harsh they try and be understanding and see where I'm coming from. Kind, sweet, ordinary people. No matter what I put them through, they come back at me with that and it turns me into mush, so freaking embarrassing. And yeah it makes me want to run when I get like that, bc of my phobia. But then they harass me and pull me back with their sweetness and just gahh...that's all I need. It's all I ever wanted. Even when they're discourage or hurt by me they don't loose their smile. They understand I don't mean it and they try to warm my icy heart. Always consistently. They don't try a little , give up and leave for a bit and try again later. I don't view that as trying. Consistency is what makes it trying, really trying. That's what I need. I don't need ppl telling me they are dying every time I push away, leave, or say something hurtful. That does nothing for me other then make me want to leave you alone so it won't hurt you anymore. But at the end of the day no one really gets what I need. Or just unwilling to do it.
News flash: if someone is hoeing, expect their crap to be trashed. This is not surprising to anyone. Who would even keep it? What are you supposed to do with it, fondly reflect on it like, 'this was from the time you weren't a lying hoe.' Who even needs that. I'm good.
One of these days I'm going to get me a sweet person that doesn't throw me through every hoop there is, isn't crazy, and just wants to be there for me to heal my cold broken heart. One day, probably after I'm dead from everyone else's bs.
Now, that, that times been wasted. On to the next crapy chapter. Not looking back.
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