My Mind Castle

/ By Red_eyed_dreamer [+Watch]

Replies: 102 / 4 years 59 days 18 hours 52 minutes 29 seconds

A quiet little place for my thoughts feels and rants.

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Damn, it's been a good while since I was last here, huh? To be honest, I'm not really sure why I am back here, I'm also not sure if it's a one-time thing or not, I guess we will just have to wait and see. Regardless, I am here what do I do? I guess I could recap the last year or so? Honestly, I feel like so much has changed and like nothing really has changed at all. Pollux and I are still not together but we do still talk...ish. I don't know really know what we are doing. I honestly can't tell if he even wants to talk to me anymore. Or, maybe he does, hes reached out to me a couple of times, I guess I take that back. I just, I don't know. I can't stop questioning how I feel about things anymore. I question if what I am feeling is real, I question if the feelings I see people show are real. I question everything it seems nowadays.
Oops, that got a lot heavier than I expected it. Sorry about that. ^^'
On another note, I still live with dad and still work at the dealership. I'd really love to say both those things are changing soon but sadly its only one and I hope it ends up being for the better. We will have to wait and see. Other than that I'm really not sure what else to say.
I've started going to therapy, I think its helping. I seem to be doing good but every now and again I crash pretty hard. I've gotten better at caring less about what people think. I've also started looking into Pagan and Wiccan belief systems and practices. I haven't settled on anything yet but I do enjoy the idea of working with Crystals and candles.
Other than that, as I said before, things really haven't changed much.
  Mara / B34u71fuLl14r / 153d 10h 2m 18s
These are the days when I miss you the most. The days when I hate myself for hurting you and pushing you away. These are the days when I wish we still talked when we still laughed and loved and all I cared about was you. I miss your smile. I miss your face. I miss the idea of being with you someday. It’s days like these when I feel the most alone when everyone is living there lives and I smile, happy for them while inside I’m falling deeper and deeper into the black hole where my soul should be. These are the days when I don’t want to wake up. The days when I feel more alone surrounded by all the people than when I’m alone in my bed. These are the days when I question everything. These are the days that I needed you the most...that I still need you the most.
But these are the days you are never here... the days you have something better to do. These are the days you play your games and “don’t see” my msgs asking for help. These are the days that hurt me the most....
These are the days I miss you the most...
  Who am I? / B34u71fuLl14r / 1y 200d 5h 28m 13s
Well, I did it. And on your birthday of all days. I am so very sorry.
But on the same note, other than knowing I shouldn't msg you anyone, nothing really feels different. We don't talk anymore or less and I do see you and more or less than when we were together. Maybe that's why it hasn't really hit me yet. Idk.
But it had to be done. There were only three options and this was the healthiest of them, but also the one I wanted the least.
Three options you ask? yes.
Either we break up.
We stay together and I continue to be mentally tortured by the why things were.
I learn to stop caring and basically things would be how they are now but we would still be together and neither of us would grow or learn to deal with the problems we were having.
So yeah, as much as it hurts, breaking up was the healthiest choice.
But, I do hope, I truly and honestly do hope that we both can learn and grow from this and them maybe one day, someday, we can be together again...i hope...
  Mara / B34u71fuLl14r / 1y 240d 20h 51m 48s
Honestly I'm hurt and I'm tired and I'm quite frankly just done with all of it. I done being told that you will change, that you wont change, that I'm wrong. I tired of being mad to feel like I'm the bad guy, that I'm over reacting or that I'm crazy. No, you've never said any of those things directly to me but your words screamed it loud and clear. This sucks. This really and truly sucks because I love you. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone else before. But it's time for a change. It's time for me to start loving me and taking care of myself above all else. I don't care how cheese or stupid it sounds, it's the truth.
Please understand, I'm not mad anymore. I'm not angry. I don't want to yell at you or fight with you. If anything, I'm mostly just disappointed.
I wish it didn't have to be this way...
  Mara / B34u71fuLl14r / 1y 242d 20h 19m 52s
I'm alive.
Sorry, I didn't realize how many days it's been since I was last on. ^^'
  Mindy / Red_eyed_dreamer / 1y 262d 10h 21m 39s
I don't do well with being left alone with my thoughts...
  Mindy / Red_eyed_dreamer / 1y 271d 10h 43m 2s
I have this horrible urge to hurt myself and I'm not particularly sure as to why, I don't feel sad or anything I feel... Well... I don't really feel anything right now. Just... Empty? Or numb? I don't know. Maybe that's why I want to do it. Feeling pain is better than feeling nothing... Isn't it?
  Who am I? / Red_eyed_dreamer / 1y 271d 18h 58m 39s
Why am I back here? Really, I didn't think anything would ever make me want to come back here.
  Mindy / Red_Eyed_Dreamer / 1y 282d 6h 40m 59s
I think it's kinda funny just how quickly my emotions and my state or my change and how it happens as result of what appears to be absolutely nothing. Is it nothing? I know how to fix it. Hearing your voice and seeing your face always makes it better. But if that is the case, dare I ask if the joy I feel is real? Or has my mind fooled me into thinking I can be happy again? Dare I say it is because you are the only thing in this world that makes me happy? I hate the though of that. It's things like this that make me glad you don't read my posts in here. I don't like that thought of telling you that you are the only good thing in my life, that you are the only thing in this world that makes me happy, that you are the only reason I am free of that abusive jackass and I am not dead right now. I am torn because I want to tell you theses things and be able to express just how important you are to me. But at the same time i do not ever want to make you feel trapped if ever you decide you want to leave, I do not want to make you feel like you have to stay. That is the biggest fear I have in our relationship. Not that you will leave me, but that you will feel like you have to stay when you really do not want to. I just want to be happy and enjoy whatever time I do get to have with you, is that too much to ask for? Why dose me head have to be so fucked up and not allow that to be the case? What the fuck is wrong with me? It's like me brain refuses to let me be happy for too long. It always has to either drap up past things that should be forgotten or surches for new and stupid things to make a fuss over. Even worse is when nothing at all is wrong and still My brain says everything os falling a part and I am a horrible person. I am a mistake. I am trash. I am nothing. I am worth no ones time. Everyone should forget I exist. Everyone would be so make better off without me in their lives..... It's kinda true though isn't it? We both know you'd be a hell of a lot better off without me here.
  Sabela Skillings / Red_eyed_dreamer / 3y 258d 3h 15m 35s
You do not know me, you do not know who I am. So don't you dare try to tell me what I am and what I am not. Nor do I know who you are, that is very true. I did not like the person I was beginning to see though. Maybe I judged to harshly but that doesn't have to matter anymore. Maybe you are not who I saw you turning into right before my eyes, maybe I got scared and jumped ship too quickly. In reality though, our time together was but a small bit of time. I think we both have grown from this and are far far better off than we would have been, had I stayed silent. I loved you Chris, I really did, and in some way I guess I still do. Or, I mean the you from when we first met. The you that made me laugh and smile. Not the you now that makes me cringe or flinch at the sight of your name. I wish you the best in life though. Even after everything, I just hope you can find a way to be happy.
  Nuha Nevers / Red_eyed_dreamer / 3y 264d 19h 43m 3s
I like to think I am a very open minded person, very accepting and very forgiving. If I remove myself from your life it is generally because of one of two things, either you hurt me too many times, too deeply and I've finally had enough or I believe you to be hurting someone I care about and you refuse to change or to see what you are doing wrong. Maybe I am wrong but that is what I see and I can not hang around and just watch as it happens. I used to be so weak, so fragile. I used to allow everyone to use and abuse me all they wanted. I am a people pleaser at heart and easily put others thoughts and feelings before my own. Over the past few months however, I have been working on standing up for myself and removing those toxic, abusive people from my life and since I've done so I have been happier that I have been in years. I actually enjoy my life now and the people that are in it. I am who I am and you are stuck with dealing with me that way. I will no longer change myself just to make others happy. Sorry, not sorry. Never apologize for doing what makes you happy and what you think is the right thing to do.
  Sabela Skillings / Red_eyed_dreamer / 3y 265d 18h 30m 12s
Over the past five months so much has happened, so much has changed. I made so many friends and lost a few as well. I have grown so much, it is crazy to think how different I was back then. I actually have a plan for my life now, I am so much happier, so much of the stress and negativity I had unrealizingly surrounded myself with is now gown. My self confidence is higher than it has ever been before. For a good while now I have wanted to start my own Youtube gaming Channel and I finally have the guts to do so. Still a very small channel but I have faith and given time I know it will grow. -Shameless self promotion- DreamyDreamer

I have so much on my mind and so much I want to say, I just do not know how to express it all. I think it is kinda funny when that happens because I have been told by so many that I have such a great way with words. I love words, listening to the things people say, the way they say it, seeing and reading the way people word things. You can learn so much from someone if you know exactly what to watch for. I think the best way to learn someones personality is to read something they have written, that's why I love to rp with people so much. Every character someone makes has a lot of that person in it. Its a rather interesting thing if you think about it. A lot of people make their characters versions of how they wish they were -not always, but it dose happen a lot- and they don't even realize how much the character actually reflects who they are deep down.

I appear to just be rambling now so I think I will be on my way.
  Nuha Nevers / Red_eyed_dreamer / 3y 268d 19h 40m 55s
ES I have found is where I come to when I have hit an major low in my life, when I feel like I have no one to turn to, no one that can help me out of these ruts I get in sometimes. ES, finding the rare kind and caring person on her and being able to write freely, it all helps me so much with my depression. Weird a place like this can do that, huh? Anyway, I've notice I have started getting on here less and less once again. Why? Because I am happy, truly happy with myself and my life once again. I am truly sorry for and pains, trouble and problems I may have cause while I was here. No need to worry anymore. Aside for the occasional 5 mins I give to check for pms, I am done with this site once more. Good bye all, I wish you all the best, no matter where we stand with each other. I hope you all live and love happily in your lives.
  Curiosity / Red_eyed_dreamer / 3y 282d 1h 43m 57s
Too good to be true. That is what you are, everything I could ever hope and dream to have. Part of me still wonders when the nightmare will reveal its self.
  He Is Perfect~ / Red_eyed_dreamer / 3y 295d 9h 3m 9s
Fuck this shit! i am done with you! I can not take it anymore!!! I wanted so badly to be able to keep you in my life, keep you as a friend, because you were my life for so long but I am done. I thought ending our relationship would be enough to end the pain but its not. I need you out of my life. Good bye, you are gone for good now.
  Red_eyed_dreamer / 3y 306d 3h 32m 36s

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