[center Sirens sound in the distance. Horns blare. Stoplights flicker, dim in the coming dark. People rush by on the sidewalks while cars cruise by, rumbling over dry pavement. The world is at peace.]
[center And yet it is not. A dark power crushes close, insinuating itself among humankind secretly. Velveteen claws are curled into places of security and power, sheathed only until they can strike once and decisively. Every institution has been infiltrated. The intruders are everywhere, hidden in plain sight. Until the claws are unsheathed and the trap snapped shut, even the infiltrators do not know what they are. Human in appearance, human in nature, in every way, from memory to appearance, a perfect replica of those whom they have replaced. ]
[center There is no secret organization to oppose them. There is no resistance to be had against that which does not exist. Those who discover the truth cast their eyes aside and claim they did not see, for to admit to have seen such horror is to admit insanity. ]
[center Their patience is boundless. They have waited for generations, for millennia, watched humanity claw its way towards the unknowable beyond, but now their waiting is almost done. The coil bends, the pressure plate dips, the spring is compressed. And when the trap is sprung, nothing will be left of this Earth but ash.]
The black goat's thousand young are among us, perfectly disguised, preparing their final assault upon the Earth. When the thousandth child arrives, then will their disguises be cast aside and Earth's dominion shall be transferred to those beyond human understanding.
We play a pair of humans who have been upset from their homes by imposters who are, impossibly, identical to themselves in every way, down to the very memories. My character has been displaced for some time, while yours has only just been replaced. In this time of confusion, your character finds themselves drawn to mine, and mine offers yours guidance, hope, and a way to fight. So long as all thousand are not on earth, the trap remains unshut. And we two are the only two who know, the only two who can oppose them.
I want this roleplay to be dark and mature-themed. The black goat's young cannot be told from ordinary mortal humans until after a vital blow has been struck. There will be paranoia, fear, uncertainty, and surest of all, death. This is a long, hard battle with no certain outcome, where anyone and anything might turn against us at any moment. This roleplay is strongly influenced by Lovecraft, as you might have guessed from the title. The black goat's young are beings that defy human understanding, but they can be killed, or at least sent back to the dark realm from which they come. Romance is not necessary, but I would prefer a heterosexual or mxm relationship, if you desire it. I am very much open to any suggestions you might have as to where the plot might go.
Feel free to ask questions. Please pm me the skeleton below once you are ready to apply. This is not first come, first serve.
[center [b Name: // Age: // Gender: // Personality: // Bio: // Physical description: // Picture: (illustrated) // Sample post:]]
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He gave Daniel half a smile. Let Daniel worry about things, huh? He couldn't tell Daniel about what he was worrying over, though. Didn't know how the man would react, especially when he'd already confessed to being unstable.
Wouldn't stand out. Comparing his clothes to the dingy interior, he really did stand out. Like fresh-fallen snow in mud. Bell looked at Daniel, sipping juice on his sofa. Casual. Normal. He couldn't help but compare it to Lilah, living with her. Everything had been so formalized. They were eating, or reading, or cleaning, but they got up and decided to do an activity. Never just sat around and stared, never hung around and did nothing. It felt... comfortable. More comfortable than Lilah. Was that the sign? The sign it was right?
Daniel made eye contact and held it, long enough to make Bell look away first. It was all sliding into place. His eyes were much more familiar than Lilah's, too, that hazel color instead of her pretty chestnut tones. It all felt right, but at the same time, so wrong. His unconscious mind was accepting what his conscious mind refused.
"I don't know," he confessed, glancing up. He shifted a bit and glanced at Daniel's hands, at his eyes. "Every time I look at you, it feels like I find something new that feels right. But I don't remember anything but Lilah." He knew Daniel, and didn't know him. And it felt wrong, and weird, and right.
The crow cawed from the countertop and hopped around, taking interest in the refrigerator instead of the bread. Bell watched it for a bit, the way it seemed to own the house. Did it live here with Daniel? Seemed like the people watching after Daniel might protest that, too, but maybe it came and went on its own. Like an outdoor cat.
"I was thinking I should get started looking for a job," he said at last. "So I'm not in your way too much. I don't want to be a burden. I'll find a place as soon as I can and get out of your hair." He looked at Daniel. "It's very kind of you to let me stay, but I don't want to cause problems for you."
He didn't want to be beholden to Daniel either. If he remembered, or he decided to start again, he wanted to do it on even footing, not give in because he owed Daniel too much. It wouldn't be good for either of them to start out that way.
"Yes, it is, 'Princess'," Daniel chuckled. The 'little god' as Bell-boy called it was quickly undoing the bag around the bread and got to the food inside. Clever little crow, even if it wasn't the goat's power of mind. Nothing?
Daniel found the juice he'd been after and poured himself a glass, then trudged back over to the couch and sank down in it. It was weird, having Bell-boy there at long last. Weird, but good. He glanced over and watched the man pluck at his sleeve. Shit. It was awkward, wasn't it? Bell-boy being like this, with everything forgotten as it was.
"Hey, don't worry about shit, let little ol' Danny take care of the worrying for a while, huh?" Daniel consoled Bell. The man looked lost, if nothing else. Lost and confused, unable to understand why he'd made the choice to go with him probably. Daniel breathed out softly. Yeah, he wouldn't know, would he?
"We'll get you something to wear that doesn't stand out as much tomorrow," he promised. All white. It didn't suit Bell-boy. Felt like he was wearing some kind of death-shroud, if anything. Daniel sipped from his juice and stared numbly at the television. Shit had gone so fast. He didn't even feel the sense of urgency that he should perhaps have to get the hell out of dodge. Not that he thought panic was going to solve their current situation or aid it in any way. If people from the Haven made it to where they were, he'd deal with them then. And the goatling would help him.
In a way, Daniel was waiting to see what Bell-goat would do. If Bell-boy felt the urge to leave, he would heed its desire and cooperate.
If it didn't, it might be they would face those people again.
He raised an eyebrow and smiled.
"Hey," he greeted the man's gaze. Baby-blues. Fuck, he'd missed seeing those so incredibly much.
Missed seeing the man. Daniel drank it in like a parched man finally allowed a drink. He wanted to touch Bell, but he didn't want to freak the man out by doing that.
"Where are those thoughts going?" Daniel asked softly. He could tell the gears in Bell-boy's mind were racing.
Daniel knew his full name? Well... of course he did. Bell nodded. It made sense, putting it that way.
It was as run down on the inside as it was on the outside. The hallways were dark, lightbulbs too weak or burning out, the carpet was grimy, the walls were dingy. It was run down, but in a way that suggested it had been lived in and loved rather than abused. Bell took it all in as he followed Daniel upstairs, noting the difference between his own spotless clothes and the once-white walls, now more yellowed and grayed. Which was better: the spotless, perfect white, or the grime of having been lived in?
Daniel hadn't been kidding when he'd described the apartment as small. Bell looked around, taking in what there was to take in. Kitchen, couch, television, a tiny bedroom and a tinier bathroom. He didn't notice the balcony until Daniel was opening it to let in a crow. "What are you, a princess?" Bell asked, snorting. Talking to a crow like it could listen, summoning it on a whim. Wait, unless... "That's the little god, isn't it?" he confirmed.
He realized he still had his coat on at Daniel's invitation. He peeled it off and hung it from the edge of the couch, not sure where else to put it. "No, I'm good," he said, waving Daniel away. Didn't need any food yet. Didn't need anything but answers, and he was already tired of those. It seemed like things just got more complicated with each answer.
He'd wanted to be in Daniel's apartment, but now that he was here, he didn't know what to do. Bell sagged onto the couch and plucked at his sleeve, lost more than anything. From having his own home to crashing in a stranger's apartment, all in one day. It was an intense feeling, being so profoundly lost he didn't even know what to do next. Find a job, he supposed, not that he knew anything worth putting on a resume. Apparently he'd worked construction at some point, though he didn't remember it. He looked at Daniel. How long would Daniel tolerate his presence before he had to leave? If he wasn't going to put out, it would get awkward long before he found a way to sustain himself, assurances otherwise or no. He had to figure a way out of this situation before he got caught making promises he couldn't keep.
At least Bell-boy hadn't forgotten how to laugh. That'd be sadder than anything and though it sounded a bit frayed at the edges, Daniel hadn't heard Bell's laughter in so long, that it felt like the sound eased his soul in a way.
"Yeah, you could call it that," Daniel agreed. An enforcer, sure, it could go for that. "I think that's where you got the name from -Bellwether?" he pointed out.
The apartment was a welcome distraction from the technicalities of travelling with goats, fighting goats and murdering people. Daniel was pretty sure he shouldn't get into that one quite yet. He started ahead when Bell-boy asked him to take the lead. Daniel got out some keys, though the front door into the lobby was propped open already to let the kids roam in and out.
He took the stairs up several flights, until they arrived at the third.
"Welcome to my humble abode," Daniel said with a cheeky smirk. It wasn't much to look at; a small living-room in an awkward l-shape, a kitchen at the end of the small leg of the l and a door leading into a bedroom. It fit only a one-person bed, because otherwise it'd block the door to the bathroom. It was really just a closet-made stall, but the water ran hot and it worked.
That was the thing about most things in his apartment; they worked. The couch had come with the apartment and Daniel hadn't seen fit to replace it. There was a rug and a TV-set sitting in front of it. A low table had some paperwork and bits and bobs on it.
A low closet held the rest of his things; clothes, mainly.
The best bit was the small balcony though. Daniel caught sight of the black crow and started for the balcony-door to let it in. It cawed, as if in greeting, then fluttered and flapped towards the kitchen and pecked at the bag of bread.
"Hey, get your own food," he said half-heartedly, and tossed his keys on the table before working his way out of his coat.
"Don't be shy, Bell-boy. Mi casa es su casa, or whatever," Daniel waved. He felt a little drowsy from the pills and the drive. "Do you want to eat something? A drink? There's juice, I think," he muttered, rummaging through the fridge. He couldn't even look at Bell; it'd all gone splendidly. He had Bell-boy back. Even if it was dulled, Daniel recognized happiness and excitement when it was at this level.
Bell listened, trying his best to keep up and comprehend. Rather than gods, they sounded more like an infection. A cancer. Taking victims, hiding under their skin. What was their endgame? Why were they here? Just watching? Surely not. There had to be something. Something else. But what?
It likes to fly. The factoid was so unexpected that it made him laugh. Incomprehensible godlike creature, but it still enjoyed flying, something so simple and pure it almost seemed cute. Daniel really doted on it just like a child, didn't he?
Confusing wasn't the half of it. He was kind of amazed at himself for taking all this in so well. "So mine's like an enforcer, kind of? A police man?" he asked, looking at Daniel. Policeman of the gods. It wasn't exactly a glamorous title.
Daniel pointed out his apartment before Bell could think of anything else to ask, and in a way, he was glad for the distraction of something so simple. There wasn't much they could do to make an apartment complicated. And Daniel's in particular looked uncomplicated. A little run down, if anything. Small, but quiet. Something he was kind of longing after all this noise. A token of independence. Something they both needed, he suspected, after the nonsense with Haven.
He sighed and stepped out of the car, stretching after such a long ride. Bell looked to Daniel, then around. Where was the kid? The little one. He didn't see that black lump anywhere. Hopefully it had escaped Haven okay.
"Lead the way," he said, gesturing for Daniel to show him the way to his apartment. He felt overloaded with new information. Half of him wanted to walk, wander until it all made sense, while the other half wanted to curl up somewhere quiet and try to process everything he was feeling and wasn't feeling. Mostly he felt lost. He didn't know how to feel about any of it, Lilah, the gods, Elsie, Haven, Daniel, anything. His whole life had been turned upside down and made into a question mark. What little he knew was all cast into question. And yet, everything he'd learned made so much sense that it made him sick.
"Hmm, they can if they want to," Daniel confirmed. He glanced over and gave Bell-boy a distracted blink before turning back to the road. His next reply paused for a second, but he took a breath and then went ahead anyway.
"It's a strange story, isn't it?" he tried.
"I met you when there was a god -we call them goats- who wanted to take my place. It tried to kill me, but you rescued me. It was only a child and didn't know much better. That's what they do to protect themselves. They can't survive in Earth's atmosphere very well, so they have to adjust. One way to do that is to copy a person and take its place. Since it's a perfect genetic copy, with all the memories in place, they don't feel like it's murder or even death," Daniel ventured. "Death to them is different. They don't understand the concept. They know what it's like to stop existing though."
"And then when they replace someone," he continued, "they just carry on their lives, observing quietly. Most of them, anyway. Most people don't even know."
Daniel steered them off the highway, off the exit and into a small city.
"As for the goatling, yeah, it's ours, technically. If you can call it that," he confirmed. "It likes to fly." There was so much more to tell, but Daniel felt the car might not be the right place for it. Maybe they'd stay up for a night and talk about it instead. He was pretty sure that if Bell-boy hadn't seen it with his own eyes, the man would simply write their story off as being that of a sick mind's.
"It's confusing, I know," Daniel added after a moment's thought.
"They have a far greater understanding of how reality is constructed than we could ever hope to have and they've been around, peacefully, for a great number of years as watchers or gods, or however you'd like to call them. Sometimes though, there are those that need to be returned to wherever they originate from and well, we follow your god's will to know which ones need to be taken out. That's why we journey," he added. Certainly it wasn't anything that might make sense, but hopefully it'd help Bell-boy make sense of what they did. To put meaning to the lives they'd led up until now.
"This is it," Daniel pointed out.
It was a rather run-down flat, with small apartments, but most of it was clean and the people were welcoming enough without being intrusive.
"I have to attend meetings and stuff, get my pills every week, but it's a token of independence at least," he pointed out.
At least Daniel's response thoroughly distracted Bell from his thoughts about Daniel and Lilah and whether he'd made a good idea in coming with a man he barely knew. That thing... was his child? Or well, the child of the thing inside him, which wasn't him, but was living inside him for some reason. [i No, it is me more than I'm me. I'm just the face that it wears,] he corrected himself. Then he paused and frowned at himself. How did he know that?
And it'd been inside Daniel. This day just kept getting weirder and weirder.
"Baby gods can become people?" Bell asked, confused. Wait, then... Lilah and the rest. Him. Were they real people? Or just the shapes the gods took? "What happens to the people the gods take over?" He wouldn't want Daniel to be replaced by a fake, if that was what it meant. Wait, and Lilah, was Lilah replaced by a fake, too? Him too? Bell's face contorted as he struggled to control his emotions, not even sure which one was trying to come out. Fear? Anger? Pain? Mourning? He didn't know. He didn't know anything.
It learned. At least it was like a child in that way. Weird that it and Daniel seemed to share control. Or whatever. He sighed out and rubbed his face. Couldn't anything be simple? Everything had to be complicated.
"So it's our kid, kind of," he tried. Damn. Talk about an almost-married kind of relationship. They'd been close, and no joke. At least the kid seemed to like him, if it helped free him from Haven.
Free him. And it had been home only this morning. Everything was moving so fast. After how quiet everything had been in Haven, it felt like even the road passing by was moving too fast. He shifted in his seat, uncomfortable. Couldn't they slow down for a minute? Pause and take a break? But no, that was impossible. He'd jumped on the train, and there was no way off.
He'd destroyed his only way off. Watched Daniel kill it and done nothing. He shivered, remembering the way her neck had cracked. She was still alive, thanks to the gods, but he hadn't done anything to make that happen. He'd just watched. Pathetically.
Confusion emanated from Bell-boy more than anything else. Daniel watched as thoughts and torment contorted Bell’s expressions further. In his heart, Bell-Boy knew that the people that’d died, those who were pure, would not actually cease to exist. The Haven as Bell had known it however, wasn’t likely to remain. Daniel was certain Elsie had some thoughts to process. Her shell had witnessed the carnage firsthand, though there was no telling what she’d actually remember. Maybe it’d been a cruel question to ask.
Daniel sighed out.
Oh. The goatling.
“It’s…” Daniel snorted. Was Bell-boy ready for this? Probably not.
“It’s a child of your god,” he pointed out. “And if you’re feeling any fatherly emotions towards it, I suppose that’d make me mommy,” Daniel chuckled. “You joked about how I was pregnant from the alien parasite at some point, but yeah. It was actually a bid to stop me from going completely crazy. Your ‘god’ likes to play sick jokes, but I was sane for a while.”
“It’s connected to me still, in some way. Threatened to become me at some point, but we somehow prevented that. Seems you prefer me human,” Daniel tried.
“If it were inclined to emotions, I don’t think it’d take well to being called a pet. It controls me the same way I control it; which means we sometimes decide together. Sometimes it decides for me, sometimes I decide for it. It learns,” he explained. Sure, it was vague, but that description was the closest he could get to what their connection had grown to become.
“We wanted you out, so it helped this time,” Daniel summarised. “It’s actually quite strong, but for some reason it didn’t see fit to aid more.”
A yawn threatened again. Daniel read the signs that popped up along the side of the road and reasoned they’d be there before nightfall. Hopefully. And hopefully in one piece.
He glanced over at Bell-boy, wondering what the man still knew about life outside the Haven. Little, he surmised, with the way that reality seemed to already overflow his senses. It didn’t help that he’d just witnessed the slaughtering of everything he’d deemed precious and stable. Another trauma to add to the bunch. Lovely.
Bell glanced up. It was surprising to have Daniel notice his moods so acutely. Even Lilah hadn't been that good at it. Not that she would be, if Daniel was telling the truth, and all signs were pointing to yes. "I'm fine, yeah. Just thinking," he said. Just thinking was all. About stupid things that wouldn't happen, at that.
"Good," he said, leaning on his hand. He wanted to see Daniel's house. Apartment, whatever. Somehow, he felt like he'd be less nervous if he could see it. If he knew what it looked like, where Daniel was living and what his situation would be.
Bell frowned at his reflection in the window, pain and grief breaking through where he'd thought he wouldn't feel anything. He'd seen James get torn apart. Susan, her head cracked open. And Lilah, Lilah--he put this face in his hands and dragged them down it slowly, distorting his features. Lilah. He didn't even know. What he felt. What he should feel, what he wanted to feel, what he did feel, it was all confused. "I don't know," he breathed. He didn't know anything. Nothing at all.
"Do you? Didn't I cheat on you with her? I thought--" he'd thought it was revenge. Anger. Was it not? Just happenstance? It didn't seem possible. Could it be? He looked at Daniel, then away, before Daniel could make eye contact. He hadn't... hadn't liked the idea of Daniel taking revenge, but the idea of it being accidental was just hard to swallow.
Daniel was so calm about everything. It was starting to bother him. Did he not feel anything? Anger, jealousy, love, kindness? There was no evidence of any of that. Did he want to spend his time with someone like that, someone he couldn't even understand on the most basic level? It was hard to believe that he'd loved someone like this.
"What was that thing?" he asked. "The thing with the feathers. Is it... like, a pet god?" It'd seemed to respond to Daniel's command, after all. Even Elsie couldn't command the god, after all. She'd seemed to have some power over Lilah, but not the main god. Did Daniel have the power to command gods, then?
A big sigh. Daniel glanced to the side, but didn't say anything. Guess Bell-boy had some soul-searching to do after all. Nothing good would come from forcing the man though, he knew that, though part of him wanted to shake the guy and tell him; tell him that they were partners, in every sense of the word. That they were together, almost as good as being married, that they'd faced adversity plenty to make most men cry. Daniel gripped the steering wheel a little tighter and shifted in his seat. He felt uncomfortable thinking about it, about having lost Bell-boy to memories a second time.
Shells were like that. It was simply their nature, nothing more. There was no telling whether or not Bell-boy would remain preserved, though he figured Bell-goat might be able to restore Bell-boy as well. The goatling might.
Wouldn't it be better if Bell-boy wished for his life to be like that? Daniel hoped the man wouldn't find it too overwhelming. He hoped Bell-boy wasn't afraid to ask the questions that he needed answered.
"You alright, Bell-boy?" Daniel pitched, just to break the silence.
"It won't be long now," he said. The place he'd been living up was only a couple more miles away. Hopefully it'd be far enough from the Haven to be safe, but he couldn't tell for sure. Either way he'd have to prepare his actual departure from treatment for a little while longer. Daniel wasn't even sure if he could forego skipping treatment until it was decided what medicine he'd use to maintain his sanity yet.
Getting their hands on new pills was going to be tricky without a proper prescription from a genuine doctor. Then again, they could go through other means.
Daniel glanced at Bell. Maybe they couldn't. Another yawn took his attention and he shook his head.
"Do you think the people at the Haven will be alright?" Daniel started. "I didn't meant to- I just. They would've killed us instead. It- it wasn't right. Probably still isn't," he breathed. It wouldn't surprise him if Bell-goat would steer them back.
"I'm sorry. About Lilah, I wished it could've been someone else," Daniel said, apologetically.
Oh. Well, yes. Of course. What else would they do? He felt kind of stupid for asking now. Actually, it kind of explained a misconception or two that Lilah had had to explain to him.
If it wasn't what he wanted. He looked at Daniel. He actually meant that, didn't he? It felt weird. Like a trap. Elsie would never let him have that choice. He'd thought he hadn't needed it, but hell, if he was gay, he hadn't even known he had a choice to make. What else did he not know about? How much else had Elsie glossed over?
And that was the thing. On one have, he was terrified of the idea of sleeping with a man. On the other hand, he felt desire for Daniel. And he felt like he wouldn't know the answer unless he tried. How could he know if he liked men if he never tried? Just try it out, get the whole question over with, and then he'd know for sure if his taste ran more towards Lilah or Daniel.
But that would also mean betraying Lilah for no reason, unless he'd already betrayed Daniel. And though he was no romantic, he certainly got the feeling that anything with Daniel was going to be a long-term commitment, not a one night stand. There was no "trying it out" with Daniel. It was nothing, or several years' worth of emotions he didn't remember. Not that he didn't understand. If he'd been in Daniel's situation, if Lilah had forgotten and cheated on him... he'd probably be the same. Or try to be. His temper would probably get the better of him, and he wouldn't be quite as understanding as Daniel was.
He peered out the window, watching the sky pass by. How far was it to Danielle place? Though then again, it was probably good that it was a long ways away. Harder for Haven to find them. Harder, but not impossible.
No, what was he thinking? He'd gotten away. He'd never seen them chase anyone down before. And the way he'd left... they were probably glad to be rid of him. He knew he wouldn't go searching for the guy who'd loosed the gods on his villagers... except for revenge. And yeah... he sighed. He could see that.
How bad? It wasn't all bad, surely. Daniel shrugged half-heartedly. Most of the things that were bad, were things Bell-boy was generally okay with or had worked through already. Shit had gotten better a little when he'd joined the man on his travels, but still. They were Bell's memories, so he ought to have some say in it. The fact that Bell-boy recognized certain stuff and readily accepted some of his explanations made him feel that Bell-boy would remember at some point regardless anyway.
Maybe they ought to wait for that, it seemed more natural.
Daniel yawned again, drowsily switching between lanes to take the slowest one and hang behind another car. Easy-peasy. Driving in America was easier than back at home. Broader roads and stuff like that.
"Hmm? Do what? Sex?" Daniel started with a chuckle.
He glanced over at the man, squinted and pondered for a second. It was a genuine question, wasn't it?
"Yeah, we had sex; pretty good sex, if I do say so myself," Daniel confirmed. Somehow, it was always a recurring question for Bell-boy. Being told he was gay would always bring up those types of things, Daniel suspected.
"We use a lubricant and take the back-door," Daniel said very matter-of-factly. "And you be careful," he added as an important side-note.
"Neither of us is really top or bottom, we like to switch it up," he shrugged. Like last time, he wondered when a good time to start about Lenny would be. Landon had been out more regularly. Daniel liked to believe they were working together, but he had little idea on how Lenny felt about the whole return.
He was pretty sure Lenny talked to their psych about it.
Daniel just felt lucky the shrink hadn't seen fit to somehow meld them together again or something. It felt more natural for them to just be two.
"We don't have to do that, Bell-boy. Just being with you is enough for me," Daniel pointed out. "And if that's not...not what you want then..." He shrugged. "You just use this time to get your bearings, okay? I love you too much not to respect your decisions." He glanced over at Bell and hoped that he'd chose to be together again, no matter what. Daniel liked to believe it'd hurt if Bell left.
Wouldn't be the first time? "Shit, I'm sorry," he repeated, more heartfelt now. Poor guy. Getting forgotten at every turn. Couldn't feel good, getting forgotten all the time.
Bell-boy. We. Daniel said it so easily, so naturally, that it banished what fears he'd had about this being some delusion of Daniel's alone. It felt right. Something about this felt right. He looked at Daniel, taking in his profile. Had they been together once? He could almost see it. Watching him like this, he got a sense of deja vu, as if it was something he'd seen a million times before.
No job, except maybe construction for a while. He frowned. It felt wrong, somehow. How could they travel without money? Though if he was homeless and wandering like a hobo, maybe then. He laughed at Daniel's statement. "Maybe that's just me. I thought I was going to go stir-crazy sitting still in Haven sometimes."
"We can?" It was an option? Why the hell not, then? Not all good. "Whose memories are all good?" he asked lightly. His smile drooped a bit at Daniel's expression. Seriously not good, then? "How bad?" He had to know to make the decision.
Or--no. That was ridiculous. Those memories belonged to him. They were what made him, him, good or bad. And yet he didn't know. He wasn't that person. Did he want to be that person? The one who loved Daniel, and had no job, and wandered the world endlessly, no home, no one to watch out for him?
Daniel was right. He didn't have to choose right now. He could wait. Think on it. He turned to the window and watched the world flash by, colors he'd forgotten existed flashing by in bright neons. How much had he forgotten? How much of the world was what he thought it was?
He sighed. Maybe he would've been better off staying in Haven. At least he knew how things worked there. But no. Living under Elsie's thumb wasn't better than living on his own. He chose his own life's path.
He looked at Daniel again. "How do men do it? I mean, they do it, right? We did. How...?" Daniel had to know, right? No one was in a multi-year relationship without... sleeping together.
"Yeah, well, wouldn't be the first time you've forgotten me," Daniel chuckled. "Guess I'm not that memorable," he teased light-heartedly. He couldn't deny that it should hurt, but the drugs he took levelled all of that out. It ought to hurt that Bell-boy had rocked his socks off with Lilah, the other goat-lady, that he'd forgotten all about the two of them and what their relationship embodied, but there was nothing.
Not. Not nothing either though. Something. The knowledge that there ought to be something, more like. Being suspended between emotions was the sort of place that made him want to stop taking them. But he couldn't.
The alternative was possibly even shittier.
Being cleansed hurt, huh? No surprise there.
Daniel glanced over, but forcibly pulled his focus back to the road.
"They shouldn't, but when have we ever abided by the rules, Bell-boy?" Daniel chuckled. "Don't worry about it," he eased Bell's mind. "I have a comfortable couch, you can use my bed until you get your bearings."
At the very least he needed to teach Bell-boy to become self-sufficient somehow. Even if the man decided not to continue their relationship on account of not remembering. It'd hurt, but like Lilah and Bell-boy forgetting him again; there was little he actually felt.
"Nah, we used to travel. I think you had a job as a construction worker for quite a while though," Daniel pointed out.
"The god in you, it likes to roam," he explained. At least that much was true, even if they'd never really phrased hunting that way. Most goats liked staying put, loved exploring pitifully ordinary lives and never making a mess. Unlike Bell-goat.
"Maybe... maybe we can restore some of your memories, though they're not all that nice, I have to add," Daniel pointed out. The goat had right to cleanse some of that shit. He wondered whether the cleanse-goat would be allowed to persist. He hoped so. Daniel wasn't sure what it was, but he'd felt a sort of fondness for it. Perhaps it was closer than others, somehow.
"It's your decision. Just say the word and I'll ask what my little god can do," he pointed up at the crow chasing their car.
A yawn stretched across his face. Shit. Now that the adrenalin from before faded, he felt the effects of the stupid pills. He sat back a little and watched the road whizz by.
"Just, you know, don't rush this shit. Rome wasn't built in a day," Daniel offered. "Nowhere to be, you know? Time's on your side."
Several years. Bell balked, taken aback. That was a practically married kind of a relationship. Jeez. Daniel wasn't kidding. "Sorry I don't remember you," he muttered. Made him feel extra bad about it now. And Lilah, what had she been, then? Something forced on him by Elsie? "And, uh, Lilah." Shit. That'd been real bad, hadn't it? Sleeping with some random girl while his boyfriend.... who knew what happened with him.
He put his hand to his chest. So that had been real. His pain. The aching, the recovery, that stupid cocoon. "it hurt like shit," he informed Daniel.
A lot to take in. No joke, that one. He was still processing the whole being-a-gof thing and the fact he must've been cheating on Daniel even if he hadn't known it, and apparently that wasn't the half of it.
Not right in the head. He nodded. What if this was all some delusion of Daniel's, then? But... he'd been right about the gods so far. And he seemed so knowledgeable. And it all made so much sense. If it was part delusion, it wasn't delusion all the way through.
"Um... they won't let me in that, will they?" Bell asked. He didn't want to force Daniel out of it, by any means. If he needed treatment, he should stick it out to the end. "I can sleep in the car."
Honestly, he didn't even know if he wanted to share a room with Daniel. This whole boyfriend thing was still very new to him, even if it'd been Daniel's truth for years. He didn't know if he wanted to face that so soon after finding out about it. Or maybe that would be for the best. Just go for it and see what happened. But it'd feel like cheating on Lilah, even if it was actually the reverse. He didn't know. It was confusing.
He breathed out and pushed his hair back. "Alright. So there's these gods, I'm one of them, we're boyfriends, and... what else? I probably got fired from my job, right?" As janitor, or whatever. Or had he not had a job? He did remember being homeless for a time. He scratched his head. But surely he'd done something? He wasn't wrong in the head, as far as he knew.
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