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/ By Vilkacis [+Watch]

Replies: 36 / 3 years 26 days 2 hours 58 minutes 10 seconds

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[center “Depression is a painfully slow, crashing death. Mania is the other extreme, a wild roller coaster run off its tracks, an eight ball of coke cut with speed. It's fun and it's frightening as hell. Some patients - bipolar type I - experience both extremes; other - bipolar type II - suffer depression almost exclusively. But the "mixed state," the mercurial churning of both high and low, is the most dangerous, the most deadly. Suicide too often results from the impulsive nature and physical speed of psychotic mania coupled with depression's paranoid self-loathing.”]
[right ― David Lovelace, Scattershot: My Bipolar Family]

[center [b personal journal]]

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[right [b 8:25 PM, June 12th, 2018.]]

We finally got to hangout at my house, and there was just so much stuff I wanted to do with you that I'm almost sad I didn't do everything. But we always have next time, that's what I'm telling myself, [i next time] I'll get to show you just how beautiful the sights are here. Especially at night, when we can sneak out for late night car rides.

I finally got to tell you I loved you, and you cried. I wasn't able to for some reason, I just didn't feel the need to, I was too happy. I said it first, I bet you didn't think that would happen, did you?

I didn't want to let you go, and I couldn't help but count the hours to when you were gonna leave me, it's kinda like that black mirror episode with the dating app. Not having you here feels weird, like a part of my soul is missing, even though you were only here for a day you made an impression to last years. I've been sleeping more on the left side of my bed, like I can't bring myself to sleep where you once laid. It's the same with my car.. I'm avoiding driving because all I can think of is your smiling face looking back at me.

Denny's will never be the same.

Wanna know something funny? You remind me of Yato, so afraid of being forgotten, being alone. I couldn't possibly forget you, my love. You've done too much for me to just up and forget. I love you in ways I struggle to explain, and I just want to make sure you know that.
  Vilkacis / 9d 5h 55m 32s
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[right [b 12:40 AM, June 6th, 2018.]]

[center No matter what you say I will always compare myself to her.]

I'm inexperienced, a child essentially. I try not to let it stop me, I try to push myself but as we've learned things come with time. I think the reason I compare myself so much, especially when it comes to you having sex with her, is because it was so recent. I don't care if you no longer put emotion into the act, the fact you didn't love her and yet continued to bend to her every whim is.. concerning. There will always be a part of you that loves her, regardless of everything that has been done to you. Trust me, I would know. I still love the person who fucked me over severely, and I still love the person who hurt me.

We are human, and thus we always compare new experiences to old ones. A part of you will say "I miss this thing that she did", and what I do will never compare.

[center You can't stop yourself from comparing people, no one can.]

I'm honestly doing it to myself, I always do. I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, not happy enough. Either that or I'm too depressing, too needy, too much of a crybaby.

It's not like I can force you to forget everything, the past makes us who we are.

But when a friend of yours brings up a past sex story about you, I can't help but want to hide. I feel insecure, like you have all of these amazing sex stories and I have nothing but heartache because I was never good enough for a physical relationship before.

I don't see myself as exciting, or seductive, or worth anything.

What do you have to brag about to your friends when it comes to me? I'm bland, generic. You have no funny stories, no stupid romantic stories, and no amazing stories that would make others jealous. I'm not the sort of person that would be brought up in conversation.

[center I hate myself] [center and I almost wish I could vanish.]
  Vilkacis / 16d 1h 30m 4s
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[right [b 3:40 PM, May 31st, 2018.]]

So my softboy and I spend two hours one night coming up with names for our future cubs, and we joke about how because he is from El Salvador he has the typical Hispanic two last names. We decided that we would have the "Saturn sisters" aka two daughters named after Saturn's moon, Callisto and Enceladus. I think the names are adorable, and yet my mother mocks them saying that she doesn't want to have to learn how to say her grandchild's name. HOW DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE? You [i want] me to give the kids generic ass white names?

On top of that, when I told you the ONE name we had fully planned out you mock if saying that Octavius sounds like a "tan name", that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say. I think it's a dope ass name. Fucking, Octavius Armando William Arevalo Gonzalez, the children are gonna hate how long it is but I love it. The last boy has yet to be decided, and we're honestly hoping we don't happen to have an odd gender number. Whatever happens happens though, and I'll be happy regardless. ALSO MY MOM SAID DAMARION IS A BLACK NAME AND I'M SHOOK BECAUSE HOW CAN YOU PUT RACE ON A NAME??? Only reason I added that is because it's one of the names on the table.
  ⧼Ooc⧽ / Vilkacis / 21d 10h 35m 37s
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[right [b 11:00 PM, May 24th, 2018.]]

It's so hard not to blurt out what I wanna tell you over the phone, because hot damn boy do you make it difficult. I have to cut myself off, and change what I wanna say because it isn't the right time. I'm so excited for you to read it, and I'm weirdly nervous about reading yours.

[center ANYWAY]

fucking I keep thinking about what is gonna happen when you come over, because we both already know the base of what will go down. [s Lemme smash] and so my mind has been going over what else could possibly happen. We're gonna have what? Like maybe 12 hours together? 10am to 10pm, sure like an hour out of that will be spent driving to and from the airport but that's still a good amount of time. Thankfully it'll just be the two of us mostly. I'm probably gonna put on a studio ghibli movie, and cuddle. ONLY TO START MOVING MY HAND INTO YOUR PANTS and then climbing on top because you know I like to tease. That's as far as I've gotten, because I know you're gonna be like "beb, I am the dom ehehhe either be more rough or be the good submissive you are." why is my soft boy so hot?

Also, I miss the way you grab my face when you get stern with me, it's the slight roughness to it that really gets to me. I think I just miss everything you did in general. I'm gonna make it a point to be more defiant when you're here, because hot damn does it rustle my jim jams baby boy. I'm kinda hoping that when you get into my room while we're alone, you're gonna push me onto the bed and just climb between my legs. Either that or I'm gonna be on all fours on top of my bed to get my stuffies off and you're gonna spank me real hard. I did say you could tear my fishnets if you wanted, so darling, be as rough as you want with me. You know I can handle it.
  Vilkacis / 28d 3h 24m 14s
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[right [b 10:40 PM, May 17th, 2018.]]
We've only been dating three months, and being semi-long distance has honestly made those three months feel like three years. We talk about so much, and I love how honest we are with each other. Neither of us say something serious without 100% being behind it. Kinda like tonight.. where you told me about how you didn't care you were missing class, and that you loved having been able to watch the sky change from purple to blue. I told you about how proud I am because you're going after your nursing career, regardless of not receiving support from your family. That's when you said it. It was a whisper, and I had to ask you to repeat yourself to which you replied by saying you didn't know if you should.

[center You said "I'm going to make you my wife."]


And I cried, because I know you mean it. We haven't even said we love each other because we want to do it in person and yet here you are saying this. It's a weird combination of joy and fear. I'm happy you said it, and yet I'm afraid that we might not make it that far. I just need to hope the best, and try not to be so pessimistic. I'm just not used to having good things happen to me.
  ⧼Ooc⧽ / Vilkacis / 21d 9h 59m 56s
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[right [b 3:56 PM, March 26th, 2018.]]

[center I feel trapped.]

I can't be happy without making others sad, I can't express my fondness for someone without creating tension.

[center I can't live my life.]

I reblogged a post, not really thinking about it. It was a moment of "haha, I like this post." there was no intention behind it, I wasn't like "ah yes, this will upset someone, good." or even a "haha this post is so true I want to do that." because I'm not that type of person. Anything I post on my page shouldn't be taken so heavily.

I pick my words carefully, making sure I don't say anything to upset them. I try to avoid anything to do with the person I'm dating, because I know that it will create tension.

[center I keep myself from talking about my feelings.]

and now I'm writing this post while I'm flooded with emotions, I'm going to regret ever posting this because [i I know] it'll come back to bite me.

[center Maybe I should cut myself off entirely] [center because I'm such a problem.]
[center Because I'm the one causing him pain] [center I'm the one who fills him with regret] [center I'm the one who never [i tried]]

That last part was a bit aggressive, I apologize.

Last night I was prepared to shut down, cut myself off from everyone, maybe that carried over to today.

[center Maybe that's why I'm hurting.]
  Vilkacis / 87d 10h 16m 59s
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[right [b 11:49 PM, March 11th, 2018.]]

[center [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bSdPkBKHqac [size10 I have questions]]]

[center I feel like a child]

Something so stupid shouldn't cause a me to have a panic attack, I shouldn't be crying over this, but my mind keeps going to all the reason why this is happening. Not being able to have an answer right away.. causes the mind to reach to the darkest parts.

I wonder, if it was meant to create such a reaction, or if it's genuine.

[center I hate asking for help]

[right yet here I am]

crying like a child while going to those I trust most. Apologizing as if I'm a burden, even when I know full well they're happy to be there for me. They know this is how I get.

[center They know]

I should brush it off, I shouldn't dig for answers, I shouldn't be so hurt.

[center I need to stop acting like such a child.]
[center But you make me feel like a child.] [center Helpless, scared, vulnerable to the slightest of tone pitches.] [center The slightest mention of your name and suddenly I am flooded with emotions.]

[center Saudade.]
  Vilkacis / 102d 2h 29m 25s
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[right [b 3:05 AM, March 8th, 2018.]]
[center [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vw0MRcn1rY Music]]

[center Attempting to spell in Spanish is harder than it looks tbh, because I also barely speak the Spanish. Only good thing that came out of it was finding this singer who is honestly perfect. The song I linked honestly can qualify as "our song", I love it.]

[right [size10 [i gonna have to learn dem lyrics]]]

I like how we keep going over our weekend, analyzing everything that was amazing, things we want to do again, and things we want to do next time we're alone.

[center You're a giant cheeseball, and I know you can see me typing because you're weirdly shoulder watching right now, but the real question is if you're gonna comment on what I'm saying or if you're gonna focus on black mirror instead.]
[center The answer is yes, you are focusing on black mirror.]

You're a cutie, and I like how I'm the first person to ever get you to blush.

[right Them curls honeyboo, best part of your head other than your dorky ass smile.]

I'm glad I've helped you with your insomnia, and that you're doing better. I like the fact I can keep you weirdly happy, like cheesy happy.

Time to dip, because it's kinda awkward having you shoulder watch me write.

[center [s [i Dabs out]]]
  Vilkacis / 105d 22h 13m 33s
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[right [b 2:15 PM, February 27th, 2018.]]

[center I seem to turn to drinking in times of distress, it allows me to be more open and be happy if possible. I shouldn't be like this, wanting to get drunk off my ass just so I don't have to focus.]

I feel like it's my fault, of course it's gonna feel like it's my fault though. After four years of being with someone, and knowing you're the reason they've opened up so much only to find out that when you're no longer with them that they have begone to close themselves off again.

[right it hurts]

and I shouldn't feel like I have to responsible for someone else's happiness.

[right I'm going to be mean,]

I was in love with a ghost, someone who refuses to tell me [i why] they don''t even want to see me, stating that they shouldn't have to explain themselves to me. It hurt, but it made me realize I shouldn't be in a relationship like that. I'm fine with us being friends, fine with you still being a part of my life. There will always be a part of me that loves you, but it's no longer the same love that kept us together for so long.

[center I doubt you'll ever see my post] [center but if you do, just know I don't hate you.] [center I'm just telling the truth of how I feel.]

Now I'm with someone, someone who is physically here. Technically we're not dating, [i technically]. However that hasn't really stopped us from being stupid and doing what couples do. Hell, I don't feel as awkward around him as I did with you so that's nice.

[right I'm trying to be honest with him,]
but I'm constantly worrying that I'll say something wrong, something he won't understand no matter how hard he tries. But I shouldn't be worrying so much I suppose. Some nights I want to be alone, which is a dangerous task for me, and he'll say it's okay. [s I don't want it to be okay], I want him to keep bothering me, making me laugh and making sure I'm okay.

[center There are things I'll write about rather than speak] [center I just hope you understand.]

[right I'm gonna try my best]

[center Right now I want to get shitfaced.]
  ⧼Ooc⧽ / Vilkacis / 114d 10h 58m 43s
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[right [b Originally posted February 25th, 2018]]

Everything is so new to me it's terrifying, the way you hold me close as if you're scared I'm going to disappear sends me mixed emotions. I'm happy, but it also makes me feel claustrophobic. You kissed me first that night, you pulled me close under the blankets after what felt like hours of us laying in silence while you rubbed my back. You apologized as soon as it happened, my heart was racing but I told you it was fine so you kissed me again. The feeling of your hands trailing along my body sent shivers through my spine, your finger softly parting my lips as you tilt my head back. My shyness only permitted three kisses at a time before I'd hide my face in your neck. After that I got more brave, sitting on your lap or pulling you on top of me just so our bodies would be closer. Sneaking around in your parent's house made me feel like a child, giggly and full of adrenaline. You touch me like I'm made of glass, as you know of my history. Constantly you ask me if I'm okay, if how you're touching me is hurting. I can handle a bit of pain, but there's a part of me that will stay silent if you do hurt me. I'm enjoying this so far.

But here I am, nervous about a future with you. There is a chance that I won't share the same feelings with you and that honestly scares me because I don't want to hurt you. There are things I desire that I know I can't receive from you, and I don't know if I can keep myself from wanting them.
  ⧼Smol⧽ / Vilkacis / 114d 11h 24m 32s
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[right [b 4:49 PM, June 7th, 2017.]]

I keep looking around on this site, and I see so many help threads. One thing they all have in common is that they haven't been posted in in what seems like months. Why is that? Do the people running it just disappear, or is it just the people who stop showing up? I want to create one, I want to help people, and yet I have a fear of doing so. All I'm good at is being a listening ear, not really giving advice. I'm too soft of a person to be very blunt with things unless asked. Perhaps I could make it a multi-help blog. Something that gives out advice when needed, but also does other things like editing. I'm sure it has already become a thing, perhaps I will consider doing it regardless.
  Vilkacis / 1y 14d 9h 33m 26s
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[right [b 9:25 PM, February 4th, 2017.]]

FUCKING GIVING ME HEART PALPITATIONS MY DUDE, YOU'RE LIKE NAH BABE IT'S FINE I WAS JUST JOKING YOU KNOW I TRUST YOU
LIKE
BOI
OMGGG
  ⧼Windshield Wipers⧽ / Vilkacis / 1y 137d 4h 2m 41s
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[right [b 8:52 PM, February 4th, 2017.]]

[center I know you have your reasons]
[center I hope you have a reason]
[center I really fucking hope you have a reason]

Is it a trust thing? Because I'd understand that.. but you blatantly go out of your way to hide certain things from me, personal things. I've been openly honest with you about everything about myself except for two things: age and school. The fact I secretly found something out about you terrifies me, because I have no clue if I should tell you. But the one thing that scares me even more is not knowing what you'll say.

[right Do you think I'm some creep?]
[center ... I love you...]
  Vilkacis / 1y 137d 4h 29m 29s
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[right [b 2:29 AM, January 29th, 2017.]]

God I love you so much, and I know I say it so often but I feel like you deserve to hear it as much as possible. To me, you're perfect in every way possible, and I know you don't believe me. That little chuckle you do before you smirk always causes me to grin, and I think at this point you do it just to get me to smile. For some reason you find my neediness adorable, and have learned that when I rub my head against your arm it means "Pet me." Ugh, and the way you've learned how when you run your fingers through my hair that it sends a shiver through me.

[right Anyway]
[center Tomorrow my goal for the day will be to edit your profile, and it will be glorious.]

My friend asked if I could save up money to go to Disneyland with her and honestly the chances of me being able to do that are like.. -20%. I had to sell some of my things just to be able to feed my animals, so I highly doubt I could spare the money for a luxury like that. At one point toilet paper was considered a luxury, as we have no money and for some reason I can't find a damn job. Thank god for Uncles, right?

[right Probably not.]

If anything I'd rather spend money on getting you a Valentine's day gift, and if you spend money on me I will murder you because I can. I know where you sleep. <3
  Vilkacis / 1y 143d 22h 51m 54s
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[right [b 2:00 AM, January 19, 2017.]]

if you were to disappear everyone would be so much fucking happier. Do you know how many people you're making suffer because of how big of a slut you are? How fucking dare you think you deserve any sort of happiness. You ruin everything simply because of the fact you can't keep your shit together, nor can you keep it in your pants. I really hope things fuck up for you, I hope you get hit by a car, better yet I hope you decide to play in traffic. No one gives a shit about your feelings. LITERALLY NO ONE CARES. You're a waste of existence, and you will never go anywhere in life. You're going to be left behind and I hope it fucking kills you.
  Vilkacis / 1y 153d 23h 29m 44s
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