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[center “Depression is a painfully slow, crashing death. Mania is the other extreme, a wild roller coaster run off its tracks, an eight ball of coke cut with speed. It's fun and it's frightening as hell. Some patients - bipolar type I - experience both extremes; other - bipolar type II - suffer depression almost exclusively. But the "mixed state," the mercurial churning of both high and low, is the most dangerous, the most deadly. Suicide too often results from the impulsive nature and physical speed of psychotic mania coupled with depression's paranoid self-loathing.”]
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[right [b 4:10 PM, March 9th, 2019.]]
I'm full of hatred for myself. I just recently got used to how I look, I started to actually find myself attractive but this fucking swelling is throwing all of that progress down the drain. I've started avoiding my reflection again, and I no longer want to take photos. I look horrendous, my fucking jaw is swollen on one side and I look like a lopsided blueberry in the face. I want it gone, I'm having dreams about cutting it open just to get rid of it. I know for a fact I'm going to hate taking any photos when I'm with you, I'm not going to want to see them because it'll only make me loath myself further.
I hate this fucking jealousy I have, it's gotten to the point of where I'm not jealous of people hanging out with you, I'm just jealous of the fact you have a life. You have friends, you're able to plan something and just go and do it. I can't do that. I can't stand being alone so I'm constantly trapped at home. The only person I know here used to be such an asshole to me, and she pushed my friends away. I don't have a friend group here, I don't have anyone here. I hate it, I hate being alone, I hate doing the same fucking thing everyday. I know I have you, and you spend every moment you can with me on the phone. But when you're at work, or when you're with friends I'm alone. I need to stop being such a baby and make friends but I don't know how. I need something to occupy me while you live your own life.
I've fallen into a depression today, because I get to watch you guys go out and plan other things like going to the beach or just hanging out. I'm jealous of that, I can't be a part of it because I'm so far away. I have to stop myself from leaving the group chat because I feel like I don't belong in it. The only time I go out and do something for fun is when I'm with you, and even then it's maybe one week out of every month if I'm lucky. I haven't been to the movies in almost two years.
Sorry I'm being emotional, I just needed to vent. I truly love you, you make me incredibly happy. This isn't your fault, it's mine. I'm the one who allowed my friends to be pushed away, I'm the one who doesn't make the effort to have new friends, I'm the one with the social anxiety. It's my fault. I don't want you to feel guilty, I don't want you to blame yourself, I don't want you to stop spending time with your friends. That would hurt me more than anything else. To know that my feelings cause you pain or cause you to isolate yourself will hurt me more than I've hurt myself.
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[right [b 10:46 AM, February 23rd, 2019.]]
I love you so much, and I'm still sorry about last night and how much I cut my chest. It's like as soon as I saw the blood and the way the skin parted my curiosity got the best of me. If you hadn't told me to stop I don't know what would've happened. I'm glad I have you, without you I don't know where I would be. I promise I won't do it again without you here, because it's when I'm alone that it gets out of hand.
Also I hate this stupid jealousy that I have, for some reason Twitter notified me that you're following your old crush, and I was curious as to how she looks. She's really cute, and she seems really sweet. I think that's what scared me, and the fact she lives so close. But I trust you, you've told me you know longer have feelings towards her especially after seven years of not being able to speak to her. I know you love me deeply, and I'm not about to tell you to stop talking to her because I'm not that type of person. I know that you're mine, you're gonna be my husband, and I know you don't see anyone else that way.
Thank you again for supporting me.. no matter how weird or fucked up I am.. As soon as I told you I have aspects of being a little you were fine with it, it has never bothered you. Same with me being a kitten, you adore it and my weird behaviors. I love being able to have the binkies you bought me, it honestly helps relax me enough that I can pass out, but I miss sucking on your thumb. When we move out we need to have a constant supply of juice boxes and capri suns, and I want to have a bottle.. gonna use it for milk specifically. I think I just enjoy having things in my mouth, it calms me down.
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[right [b 11:59 PM, February 21st, 2019.]]
I adore you and everything you do, truly you are amazing to me. You make me so happy, you accept every part of me.. even if I worry you won't. We're discovering things about each other, and it's really fun. We discovered I am very similar to a little however I don't age regress, we discovered you're into blood and knife play, we tried anal for the first time and I enjoy it more than expected. I enjoy sucking on your thumb to sleep, and I really like calling you daddy. You got me a pacifier and I adore it, I'm just too nervous to fully fall asleep with it in my mouth. We're working on your dominance, and being more aggressive in public. I honestly don't mind being patient about it and slowly building it up, it's kinda like when we first started making love.
You're really sweet to me, and I'm sorry I put you through stressful situations because of my depression. I want to spoil you to make up for it, I keep looking for a skateboard to get you because I know how much you want one. I love you, I truly do. I've been wearing the ring you got me non-stop, it feels weird to not have it on. I've also been sucking on my binki every night before I sleep to help me relax, thank you for getting them for me.. it really means a lot. I was really nervous about talking to you about it because it used to be something we mocked. I'm unsure as to what else I may desire, but that's why we gotta try things out with each other. I trust you with my life, and I know that you would never do anything to intentionally harm me without my consent.
It's hard being vanilla around our friends, I've become so used to just calling you daddy that I almost don't even want to try and get your attention. But I hope that when we're around them you'll still be aggressive and put me in my place like you did when we went to the auction.
Also something I never told you about is I used to have fantasies about being auctioned off or bet on, seeing you fight to keep me away from others is a turn on.
I love you Daddy.
[right [b 1:26 PM, February 20th, 2019.]]
I think I’m having a depression episode, my brain is telling me that everything is going to go wrong. My brain is telling me that I’m too needy, and overwhelming. That I’m not good enough for you, you deserve better than someone with depression like me. I feel like if you ever saw me when my depression is at its worst that you’d leave, that it’d be too much, that me lashing out would hurt too much. I feel like I ask for too much, that I’m a burden to you. I demand sex too often, even when I know that you’re exhausted and not emotionally on the right space for it. I feel like a shitty girlfriend, I feel like I’m worse than your ex ever was.
I’m getting into that numb mind space, where I just want to lay in bed and cry or just stare off into space, I want to ignore everything. I want to isolate myself, I want to hurt, I want to disappear. I’m sure you’d find someone better than me, someone who isn’t so sad all the time. I love you with all my heart, and my biggest fear is having you hate me or vanish, but I can’t help but feel it’d be my fault if that ever happened.
I miss you so much, it’s like taking drugs away from a drug addict. I need you here, you make me so happy.. and I’m sorry I upset you.
I feel unattractive, but I know you’ll tell me otherwise. I feel like I can’t satisfy you, but I know it’s only because of the fact you were exhausted and stressed. I’m sorry I demand so much, I’m sorry I constantly crave the pleasure you give me, I’m sorry for being who I am.
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[right [b 5:56 PM, December 31st, 2018.]]
Trying not throw a pity party for myself, today isn't going how I wanted it to at all. I'm a firm believer that whatever you do on the first day of the new year is what you'll be doing all year, so naturally I wanted to spend it with you. Because if I spend it with you, I know that you're gonna be here more this year. You were supposed to be here with me today, but you got denied vacation. I don't blame you for that, and I'm not mad about it. You were still here for Christmas and that was really important to me and you know that. I figured that we could spend new years together, watching movies or something, we'd at least be spending it together even if it's over skype. You're gonna be spending it with your family though, and that's okay.
This will be the first time in eight years that I will be alone on new years. I didn't get invited to go out with my sister, because I wouldn't be able to eat any of the food where they're going. Silva is gonna be with his girlfriend, and my parents are gonna be upstairs the whole time. Guess what, I also can't eat the dinner my mom is cooking, and I don't have money to go out by myself. So I'm gonna be eating overly sweet potstickers, because of this fucking surgery I can't eat. I just kinda want to cry. So that's how I'm gonna spend my new year.
Locked in my room, alone, and crying.
Because I am a child, and I'm not good at handling sudden changes, especially when it comes to planned events. Hopefully I can forget it's new years, hopefully I'll be able to ignore the pain. But I'm already stuck in a depressive state, blankly staring, unable to really feel anything other than the dull pain of disappointment and the urge to cry.
I'm waiting for everyone to leave first, so I don't make them feel guilty for not inviting me, I don't want to be the one who ruins everyone's day simply because I don't get to be with the one I love.
[center [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXSJVK1cNFo [pic https://66.media.tumblr.com/5a23c4c06d8c7623964190a17dba638e/tumblr_oichmsImyK1vj8j4no1_500.gif]]]
[right [b 12:30 AM, November 4th, 2018.]]
ever since you told me that you didn't want me to come over, to protect me, i've felt numb. I'm not hungry, and the only reason i'm even eating is beccause i know i need to. i remember the general time to eat and i just do it like a machine. i don't know, seeing the group at your house, playing destiny, i feel irrelevant. i was supposed to be there but i'm not. i'm not there, and i don't know when i ever will be again. i'm alone
i've spokene to you about this before, about feeling invisible as your girlfriend. but it's fine.
i'll keep my mouth shut about it
becuase it really isn't important
my tears aren't worth this
im ust a child
itll be over
i wont hurt myself
ill just hurt
ill stay hidden from your life only a few people will know i exist
ill just exist
but ill never be there
i was supposed to be there
I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THERE
but im not
i just sit in the corner
for you to visit me
i just want to mourn
i want to scream
i really fucking want to scream
but ill get over it
i guess i shouldve figured when you said some of the peeps
i shouldve known that your friends were there
but it didn't click
i figured you would've called me to make sure i was okay, even if i was just sleeping
but you didnt
i had a dream that i was telling myself i wasnt depressed anymore
that i didn't need the meds anymore
but its clear i was wrong
im just taking everything really hard
because you mean the world to
and i know its the same for you
and i appreciate everything you do for me, and the gifts you got me
but it really didnt help me get over not being able to see you
i wont see you
weve been dating since june
so weve only been dating four months, almost five
everything is fine
this is just stuff i cant bring myself to say to you
so im sorry
that im such a burden
that im so emotional
that i cant handle seeing others with you
i make you feel like shit
i know i do
i make you doubt yourself
[center [pic https://66.media.tumblr.com/ff3dbf048d78c4ac623178fab00078f6/tumblr_pg1yi12uiU1tcvan1o1_500.gif]]
[right [b 9:20 PM, October 29th, 2018.]]
I'm finally gonna get to see you after being apart for two whole months, and I'm honestly excited. For some reason I have a weird feeling.. that you're becoming bored of me. Like I no longer have any interesting topics for us to discuss, but I know us being together, even if just for a weekend, will help those fears go away. I'm excited, I'm also nervous that I'll be a terrible kisser again.
Hopefully I won't be sick still by the time I see you, I know you won't be bothered by it, but it'll make it harder for me to do things with you especially because I won't be able to breathe. I hope you can continue loving me, for the rest of our lives. I hope that you'll always love me, even when you're living with me and have to deal with my weird habits, like leaving things on my nightstand, or sleeping with a light on when I get scared. I also have a weird habit of staring at you when we share a bed, and it's hard for me to sleep when you're with me. I just get so excited to be that close to you, and I want to stay up all night giggling with you about stupid things. It's not impossible for me to fall asleep, but I see no need for sleep when I have you so close to me.
I love you.
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[right [b 1:37 AM, September 8th, 2018.]]
I'm weirdly uninterested in the fact my father is coming home today, I can only assume it's because of the fact I'm so used to him.. being gone? It's like "Oh, dad is back I guess." Mom is worried that when he comes back he's going to want to do something.. bigger than the gold dredging. I'm worried about the deep depression he might've fallen into.
I won't lie, I'm worried about you going to universal with everyone.. because it's her birthday.. I know you're not going to outright just go and chat with her the entire time.. but, I'm still not comfortable with the thought of you interacting with her, because I know how she feels about you still, and I used to be in a position like that. We share the same fear, of losing each other, and it's hard to deal with sometimes. It's not that I don't trust you, because I trust you with my life, and you know that.
I'm just scared of not knowing what's going to happen.
I love you.
[center [pic http://78.media.tumblr.com/db4555d14d957d2d255826b58a1f4558/tumblr_pdebpxqAlO1x7tfmzo1_540.gif]]
[right [b 11:37 PM, September 1st, 2018.]]
I feel selfish, I truly do. You're playing a game with all your friends, and normally that doesn't bother me at all, but it does tonight. Because I hardly got to spend time with you today, and I just want you all to myself. Right now I have a million things running through my head.
Why won't you say you love me when she can hear? Why don't you post photos of us together? Is it because you feel guilty? You know I would never tell you to stop talking or hanging out with her, even if it bothers me. She treated you like absolute shit, like you didn't mean anything to her, and now she guilt trips you in an attempt to get you to go back with her. That is why I detest her. You are worth so much to me, you're the most amazing person I know, and yet you still involve her in your life. I still read what she posts, the pity party she throws for herself.
It pisses me off.
The fact she had the fucking gall to BRAG ABOUT WHAT LITTLE FUCKING DEPRESSION SHE HAS AT THIS MOMENT, the fucking shit I could say to her, but I'm a nice person, and she's fucking lucky that I am.
[center [pic http://78.media.tumblr.com/8664ca3b147563b2fad8d2fc3e76fbce/tumblr_pdrvngC7ZL1tx8o4yo1_540.gif]]
[right [b 2:53 AM, August 29th, 2018.]]
[center It's only been two days since I was at your house, so naturally I'm in my mourning period.]
I feel like shit for being the one who cries for the first three days, but that's how it always is. You comfort me the first three, and then by the fourth day you can't handle it anymore and break down. I wish it wasn't this way, that it didn't [i hurt] so fucking much to not be with you. But when you love someone so deeply, being away from them for any period of time feels like a death sentence, like nothing matters anymore. We have to be strong for each other though, because we both self destruct if given the chance.
[center I miss you, I really fucking miss you.]
No one, and I mean [i no one], has EVER made me as happy as you do. You hear my mom, she says that she remembers when she used to be the one making me this happy, and that says a lot. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. I'm sorry things are so difficult right now, and it doesn't help that I can't let you go. Saying goodnight is painful, or even saying goodbye before you go to work is hard. I'm always afraid to call you at night, it's not because I'm scared of you, it's because I know I'm gonna keep you up and you're going to be exhausted during work..
[center I love you.]
I'm going to be honest.. I feel.. guilty. Guilty that we can't have a child together, not right now. I know how much it means to you, and I'm not saying that it doesn't mean a lot to me too because you know it does. I guess I'm just.. more accepting of the fact because I'm the one who went through getting this birth control, and it's new to you. Having you rub my tummy.. and lay your head on it as if I am pregnant.. it's honestly the sweetest thing, and then it.. hurts that it isn't actually happening. But we both know that this situation isn't ideal for children, and we have to be responsible. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that we can't have the children we dream of, at least not right now.
One of the harder parts of this is not having something to do. You have work, and class, so you're able to be occupied for most of the day.. I don't have either of those things.. I don't even have friends to spend time with. I'm trapped inside of my house. The most important part of my day is just being able to talk to you. I just have too much time on my hands, and it's not like I can start a hobby because I have no income, plus you know I'm not about to ask my parents for money.. and I hate having to rely on you so much.. I love you.
[center [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqq7D3FimJ8 [pic https://78.media.tumblr.com/1d9c48401f0198deceec8502352984fc/tumblr_nwea3dVh1a1qmi1sro1_500.gif]]]
[right [b 3:50 PM, July 10th, 2018.]]
[center Well, gonna have to do this bitch in chronological order because a lot of shit happened.]
We know what happened Tuesday. It was the first day I arrived, stuck in a car with B and Keveo for an hour. The whole time I couldn't help but wonder what was gonna happen when I saw you, if you would be super excited and just went straight to hug me even if you were working. I got to see Maria at work which was fun, though I was super awkward because I still was unsure about how we felt about each other. Seeing you at work sent me into a panic attack, I was so excited that my body didn't know how to handle it other than to interpret it as a panic attack. I just wanted to run over and hug you as hard as I could, but I couldn't. I loved being able to spend lunch with you, just relaxing with our friends, but having to sit around waiting for you to get off of work just made me anxious again. I couldn't help but start worrying about what would happen when you spoke to your mother, and I suppose I was right to worry. As soon as I hugged you before you went inside of your house I knew. I knew that I wasn't going to be able to see you again until the next day. The whole time we sat waiting for you I kept looking behind me, just waiting for you to walk back out, to see you smile at me. It hurt, knowing how close you were and yet I couldn't see you. I was mad, mad that you didn't make the effort to see me even though the only reason I was even there was to see you. I was mad you allowed her to walk over you like that, and it makes me think that you really never will be able to spend longer than a day at my house.
The fourth of July. We finally got to spend the day together, although we did spend most of it with B. When I woke up I was still mad with you, but I pushed it aside because I wasn't going to be upset with you, not again. Seeing you again made me so happy, I just wanted to hold you the whole time but I also wanted you to apologize in person, not over the phone when you're in a panic because I don't want to speak with you. Not letting you touch me is punishment enough, because I know how you are. It's hard for me to stay mad at you long over something you have no control over. Going to get our badges was exhausting for me especially because I fucking started my period on the train, and the curse continues with the white fucking underwear. I got really snappy because I was just uncomfortable, I'd never had something like that happen to me before and so I was scared it would get on the train seats the whole time. Also it was just too fucking hot. I love how instead of going to see the fireworks like we kept talking about, we staying inside and made love instead. Afterwards we just relaxed, and it was exactly what I needed.
Possibly the worst day out of the entire week if I'm honest. I woke up knowing that I would have to pretend to not be your girlfriend as soon as fucking Raggie walked in. I was pissed. All that I can really remember from that day was my anger, and how deeply it hurt me that even though I was trying my hardest to be nice to your EX, she continued to be a bitch and pretend I didn't exist, and you allowed it to happen. The moment I saw that you changed your phone background is what broke me, the fact you were going THAT far to hide the fact we were dating, that's what made me break down and start crying. I started to wish I was home, that I had never come, because what was the point if you only wanted to hurt me. I know you had your reasons, but I just didn't want to be near you, I didn't want you to touch me, and I didn't even want you to speak to me. [i I wanted isolation.] You kept trying to calm me down, to get me to talk to you, and if I allowed myself to do that I would've blown up on you. I would've said so many things that I could never forgive myself for. I just needed space, and you were so scared of losing me that you didn't let me have that, it only made me more angry.
One of the better days we had together. We made love, then went to Denny's, and the entire trip getting there was really fun for me. This day was honestly all that I needed, to be able to have alone time with you, to be able to be as cheesy and goofy with you as I wanted. I was happy to just be with you again, and it made me love you even more. Having dinner with your family was honestly really nice, I loved the fact they're trying to have conversations with me, even though I know like zero Spanish. I'm glad your mother is starting to like me.. hopefully she'll be more okay with you coming to see me or me going to see you. That rests on you though, because you're the one responsible for talking to her.
The second day we went to Anime Expo, and the only day I had fun at the Expo. I liked being able to just walk around the expo with you, even if we weren't really able to be alone because one of our friends was always with us. I loved all of the things you bought me, even if we weren't able to get a tiara because they all looked like shit and were way overpriced. I don't know if you noticed, but I didn't ask for much because I didn't want you to spend a lot of money on me, I'm pretty sure you spent more on yourself than you did on me, and I'm glad it worked out that way because you should spoil yourself sometimes. I loved the cat ears, because every time I took a step they would jingle real loud, and you know I love bells. Hanging out with Ricky was fun, and his parents are really chill. I like how his mom straight up made me alcoholic beverages before we went to the party. ALSO YOU DIDN'T TOUCH MY BUTT ENOUGH WHEN WE WERE AT THE PARTY. I was full on grinding on you, and trying to get you to grab my hips but you are such a headbanger when it comes to dancing that it didn't really work. It's okay though, because you're adorable and I still had lots of fun. I wanted to honestly give you a lap dance when we were sitting down, but I didn't want to be an asshole to the guy sitting right next to you.
Mega oof, this day was amazing. It was an actual lazy Sunday, where we just cuddled, not really doing anything. We got to play on a slip'n slide, and had a mini water balloon fight. YOUR MOM GAVE ME A BEER, which was shocking as fuck. I had a lot of fun on this day, I really did. It felt.. perfect, like I had been living with you guys for years, and it was just another regular day spent with your family. It felt.. normal, like that was where I belong. I honestly have a lot of fun play fighting with you, it's the cutest thing to me. Even if you're a sneaky butt who uses my weaknesses against me. I had fun going out to dinner with your family, and I really like the fact your brothers like me so much. I tried my best when you got upset, because even though I can't speak Spanish, I can read situations pretty well I knew they were berating you, and you were getting upset. I'm sorry I can never really do anything to help. Also, this is the first night we ever had sex without a condom, mark it bitch.
The last day I spent with you, and also the hardest day for me. We made love all morning, and it was weirdly innocent even with how intense we got. It was like.. we were doing whatever we could before I had to leave you. Watching you play Just Dance was the dorkiest and cutest thing I've ever seen, and I just wanted to keep watching rather than playing with you. I love seeing you so happy. Walking back into the room to see you napping was really cute to me, I almost wanted to leave you alone so you could sleep longer, but I can never resist laying down with you. You're weirdly ready to have sex as soon as you wake up, and it always surprises me but I like it. Leaving you is always hard, and I'm sure it was really fucking hard to watch me have a panic attack and knowing you can't go and hug me.
We've developed habits around each other, like how you would always come into the room in the morning to go and cuddle me, or knowing I would be home when you returned. But now we have to break those habits, because you're not gonna be able to walk in as soon as I wake up.. and I'm not gonna be in the room next to you anymore. I'm sorry things are this way, and I know it's going to be hard on the both of us. Being home feels wrong, like this isn't where I should be. I feel like I'm living in a strange place because you're not here.
[center I love you.]
[center [pic https://78.media.tumblr.com/f04809bc61909e146f168baec7134b0e/tumblr_p1kjcaQGTJ1wj3yyio1_540.gif]]
[right [b 8:25 PM, June 12th, 2018.]]
We finally got to hangout at my house, and there was just so much stuff I wanted to do with you that I'm almost sad I didn't do everything. But we always have next time, that's what I'm telling myself, [i next time] I'll get to show you just how beautiful the sights are here. Especially at night, when we can sneak out for late night car rides.
I finally got to tell you I loved you, and you cried. I wasn't able to for some reason, I just didn't feel the need to, I was too happy. I said it first, I bet you didn't think that would happen, did you?
I didn't want to let you go, and I couldn't help but count the hours to when you were gonna leave me, it's kinda like that black mirror episode with the dating app. Not having you here feels weird, like a part of my soul is missing, even though you were only here for a day you made an impression to last years. I've been sleeping more on the left side of my bed, like I can't bring myself to sleep where you once laid. It's the same with my car.. I'm avoiding driving because all I can think of is your smiling face looking back at me.
Denny's will never be the same.
Wanna know something funny? You remind me of Yato, so afraid of being forgotten, being alone. I couldn't possibly forget you, my love. You've done too much for me to just up and forget. I love you in ways I struggle to explain, and I just want to make sure you know that.
[center [pic https://78.media.tumblr.com/e2018a446deb45781b918fa0efe65669/tumblr_okjcwu22B31qffcopo1_500.gif]]
[right [b 12:40 AM, June 6th, 2018.]]
[center No matter what you say I will always compare myself to her.]
I'm inexperienced, a child essentially. I try not to let it stop me, I try to push myself but as we've learned things come with time. I think the reason I compare myself so much, especially when it comes to you having sex with her, is because it was so recent. I don't care if you no longer put emotion into the act, the fact you didn't love her and yet continued to bend to her every whim is.. concerning. There will always be a part of you that loves her, regardless of everything that has been done to you. Trust me, I would know. I still love the person who fucked me over severely, and I still love the person who hurt me.
We are human, and thus we always compare new experiences to old ones. A part of you will say "I miss this thing that she did", and what I do will never compare.
[center You can't stop yourself from comparing people, no one can.]
I'm honestly doing it to myself, I always do. I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, not happy enough. Either that or I'm too depressing, too needy, too much of a crybaby.
It's not like I can force you to forget everything, the past makes us who we are.
But when a friend of yours brings up a past sex story about you, I can't help but want to hide. I feel insecure, like you have all of these amazing sex stories and I have nothing but heartache because I was never good enough for a physical relationship before.
I don't see myself as exciting, or seductive, or worth anything.
What do you have to brag about to your friends when it comes to me? I'm bland, generic. You have no funny stories, no stupid romantic stories, and no amazing stories that would make others jealous. I'm not the sort of person that would be brought up in conversation.
[center I hate myself] [center and I almost wish I could vanish.]
[center [pic https://78.media.tumblr.com/7ab541ef1a220257c72165db9bf80d92/tumblr_otvm6oxx8B1uq5szqo2_r1_1280.gif]]
[right [b 3:40 PM, May 31st, 2018.]]
So my softboy and I spend two hours one night coming up with names for our future cubs, and we joke about how because he is from El Salvador he has the typical Hispanic two last names. We decided that we would have the "Saturn sisters" aka two daughters named after Saturn's moon, Callisto and Enceladus. I think the names are adorable, and yet my mother mocks them saying that she doesn't want to have to learn how to say her grandchild's name. HOW DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE? You [i want] me to give the kids generic ass white names?
On top of that, when I told you the ONE name we had fully planned out you mock if saying that Octavius sounds like a "tan name", that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say. I think it's a dope ass name. Fucking, Octavius Armando William Arevalo Gonzalez, the children are gonna hate how long it is but I love it. The last boy has yet to be decided, and we're honestly hoping we don't happen to have an odd gender number. Whatever happens happens though, and I'll be happy regardless. ALSO MY MOM SAID DAMARION IS A BLACK NAME AND I'M SHOOK BECAUSE HOW CAN YOU PUT RACE ON A NAME??? Only reason I added that is because it's one of the names on the table.
[center [pic https://78.media.tumblr.com/69e8686090c8f39a1d30513ba2db840a/tumblr_p5nrpx7yF01vhv9zro1_500.gif]]
[right [b 11:00 PM, May 24th, 2018.]]
It's so hard not to blurt out what I wanna tell you over the phone, because hot damn boy do you make it difficult. I have to cut myself off, and change what I wanna say because it isn't the right time. I'm so excited for you to read it, and I'm weirdly nervous about reading yours.
fucking I keep thinking about what is gonna happen when you come over, because we both already know the base of what will go down. [s Lemme smash] and so my mind has been going over what else could possibly happen. We're gonna have what? Like maybe 12 hours together? 10am to 10pm, sure like an hour out of that will be spent driving to and from the airport but that's still a good amount of time. Thankfully it'll just be the two of us mostly. I'm probably gonna put on a studio ghibli movie, and cuddle. ONLY TO START MOVING MY HAND INTO YOUR PANTS and then climbing on top because you know I like to tease. That's as far as I've gotten, because I know you're gonna be like "beb, I am the dom ehehhe either be more rough or be the good submissive you are." why is my soft boy so hot?
Also, I miss the way you grab my face when you get stern with me, it's the slight roughness to it that really gets to me. I think I just miss everything you did in general. I'm gonna make it a point to be more defiant when you're here, because hot damn does it rustle my jim jams baby boy. I'm kinda hoping that when you get into my room while we're alone, you're gonna push me onto the bed and just climb between my legs. Either that or I'm gonna be on all fours on top of my bed to get my stuffies off and you're gonna spank me real hard. I did say you could tear my fishnets if you wanted, so darling, be as rough as you want with me. You know I can handle it.
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