[merriweather [center Your dream is where your heart is.
It’s something more fragile than life itself.
No matter how many times you throw it away, you still find it.
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[size10 I feel. idk. depressed. like isolating myself. why wouldn't I? I have friends that are seemingly mad over who I choose to talk to. I'm distrusted now. I may as well distance myself. it's not like I matter.
and , I have a friend that seems hellbent on hiding from me. I suppose, I'm sorry for knowing them too well. more than I should.
I'm tired. I don't want to deal with people. I'm -- running away. it's not like anyone wants or needs me here. I'm fucking useless and a fucking nuisance. I won't be missed.]
[size10 If I wasn't so stupid , I wouldn't be feeling the pain that I feel now. I mean, I always [i knew]. The pieces were there. I just never wanted to admit it. I let this happen to myself. I shouldn't have. I knew what would happen. The proof is in the past.
I'm dumb for thinking that things had changed. They haven't. It's the same as always. I'm just blind. Probably intentionally so. I can't ... ignore it anymore. Not something so fucking obvious.
It's time to stop being dumb and do the better thing lol.
Be fucking smart.
It's a gloomy day. I woke up too early. Guess nearly a year of working first shift will do that to you.
I'll probably be miserable today, but I can play games and clean. Exercise a bit too, so my back doesn't hurt as much.
Anything to stay distracted.
I'm just mad at myself at this point.]
[center [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ExgmZXYUh6M&ab_channel=daoko_jp]]
[size10 honestly, what do you expect me to do ? I want you here more than anything, [i always], but he's still my brother. He lives here. His name is on the lease. He has a say, in whether or not you're allowed to be here. I can't just go behind his back, just because I want to be around you. And he's right. If you can't help pay bills, it doesn't make sense to have you here.. Because you'll just eat up electricity, and gas. Things that you can't help with right now. I can't say that it isn't your fault, because part of it is. You could've found a job by now, I'm sure.
And the fact still remains, you haven't even looked for a place for us both to live in. You haven't set money aside, or anything. No matter how much I've suggested it. You said "wait until my tax refund." your tax refund isn't even enough to pay for an apartment.
I don't know. You just seem ... Content. With living with your parents and being jobless. Maybe you're not but. You don't try to change anything. You content yourself with your situation, so I wonder if you really want anything to change. I've always felt that if it's bad enough, you either give up or try to change things yourself, because you can't just sit around waiting for things to change. I've learned that the hard way, and I just hate waiting for things to change anyways.
That's why I've become to contemplate living in a studio with my cat. I could afford it, easily, and it would allow me to be in town, and away from my brother. I have to be realistic. You've done nothing to pursue us having a life together. I always have to remind you, and I'm tired of it. You're an adult, you have to remind yourself. Or suffer the consequences. Like I am currently. I kept forgetting to renew my medicaid, and now I may lose it. It sucks, but it's my own fault. I'm mad at myself for it, but it wasn't anyone else's responsibility to remind me. It was my own.
So ... I don't know what I'm going to do. I hate doubting you, and doubting our relationship, but the truth is I don't know if you're ever going to step up, and I can't keep holding onto someone that won't put in the work to start a life with me. It isn't like I'm asking you to do everything. I just ... Need to see that you really want a future with me, because your actions say otherwise. And no matter what you say, actions will always speak louder than words.
[size10 is a meal of just water acceptable?
am I going to do it anyways?
damn fucking straight
[size10 [center I want nothing more than to
Become a cherry blossom
So I can blow carelessly away
In the wind.]]
[size10 [center [+lightpink ❤❤❤]]
those words are so embarrassing and hard to say, haaaaa....
I mean it though. u-u
my heart is doing flips, lol.
I'm so easily embarrassed by showing affection. u-u
oh well. it was worth it. [+lightpink ❤❤❤]
in other news
I can't find a physical copy of MPD anywhere. [i quiet sob]
might have to go digital
I hate digital books
physical copies foreverrrr.
[size10 [center [+lightpink ❤❤❤]]
I'd reach out if I could, but it is most likely pointless.
I mean, obviously I [i can], but. I doubt it would go over well.
My name's been dragged through the mud, both by myself and by others, so. You'd most likely get angry at me even messaging you.
I'm not sure why I care. Guess I just don't want people to feel alone. I always like lending a ear, especially if no one else will.
I don't like seeing people feel like no one care's about them. I guess ... Me messaging a stranger wouldn't ease that, though. It isn't as if I can genuinely say , "well I care about you." If I don't know the person, how can I truly care? It's just ... I care in general. As a whole. I don't want to see anyone, stranger or not, upset or hurt. I'd rather try and cheer them up, than walk away and turn a blind eye.
But ... I should probably turn a blind eye, this time.
Or ..... I don't know.
I should detach myself from just. Giving a shit, I guess.
It typically backfires.
On unrelated note.
Keep having an allergic reaction of sorts, at work. Wish I could figure out what it is, because I'm tired of having to go to the doctor for it. If I knew what caused it, I could avoid the cause.
I ... Goodnight, I guess.]
[size10 [center [+lightpink ❤❤❤]]
I'm not expecting anything at this point. I've given up entirely.
I suppose that will be a relief to you.
I need to stop letting silly things bother me. My focus needs to be school. it's important. most important.
let nothing else stand in my way.
I'm not fucking up my grades this semester. never again, will I let my grades slip.
[size10 I let myself think of you, last night. It was bittersweet, because you'll never give me the time of day again. I found myself missing you though. Hah.
Feelings are stupid, of course ... I still wonder why my heart bothers, these days. I wish it wouldn't .
[center [+lightpink ❤❤❤]]
then there's. ... you. who I haven't spoken to since May. You snuck into my dreams last night. It hurt, to see you there. I do miss you, though it does not matter. You're not really on this site any longer, and when you do get on, you certainly don't check up on me. I'm pretty sure that you're good at keeping yourself from caring, unlike me. I'll always care.
Which ... I'm sorry for. I hope you're doing well though. I'm sure you are. You seemed to be getting better, last I knew. I hope everything works out amazingly.
[center [+lightpink ❤❤❤]]
I'm sure I deserve this isolation, anyways ... to not really get the attention I want, lol. punishment of some sorts, I bet.
ah well ... I'll just accept the loss and move on.
I have other things to focus on.
[size10 I'm undeniably upset at you. You knew I needed to do this, yet you're being an ass about taking me. So fuck it. My ass will walk, because I don't want to miss out on the opportunity to get a new job.
I'm getting really sick of relying on you, because you keep bailing on me. It's frustrating. I can't really count on you anymore, but I have no one else. So I'm stuck relying on you. I'm also at the point where I would rather walk everywhere than have to rely on you. I guess that's saying a lot, but oh well.
Should get off of here, so I can begin the long trek. Not sure how long it'll take, but it is happening.
[center [size10 I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I miss you. Always.
This song will always remind me of you. Every time I hear it, all I can think of is you.
It's been playing a lot more at my work, haha ... I wish you were still here.
I don't think there will be a day where my heart doesn't hurt with the thought of you.
You're always in the back of my mind. Always ... I probably don't have the right, but I miss you.
[size16 I know we can't all stay here forever.]]]
[size10 fuck what I want.
It's not like I mean shit anyways.]
[size10 I'm so angry.
you sent your child to school with holes in her pants.
and you can't claim you didn't notice.
you put [i tape] over them.
so that's how much you care about her, huh?
Enough to notice, but not enough to actually fix the problem.
You can't even claim you don't have the money. You have puppies on the way. You afford food for you dog. Weed for yourself.
But not clothes for your child.
I feel so bad for your child ... How she must feel.
Like her mother can't be bothered to care about her.
Seeing how much you've fought for her dad to keep her and her to [i not go back home to you], makes me so angry. You only want her when it's convenient to you. No other times.
You just make me so angry. It isn't that hard to love and care for your child.
You do neither.
[size10 I know, I know. I'm pathetic.
[+white I'm so ashamed of me.]]
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