[merriweather [center Your dream is where your heart is.
It’s something more fragile than life itself.
No matter how many times you throw it away, you still find it.
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[center [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ExgmZXYUh6M&ab_channel=daoko_jp]]
[size10 honestly, what do you expect me to do ? I want you here more than anything, [i always], but he's still my brother. He lives here. His name is on the lease. He has a say, in whether or not you're allowed to be here. I can't just go behind his back, just because I want to be around you. And he's right. If you can't help pay bills, it doesn't make sense to have you here.. Because you'll just eat up electricity, and gas. Things that you can't help with right now. I can't say that it isn't your fault, because part of it is. You could've found a job by now, I'm sure.
And the fact still remains, you haven't even looked for a place for us both to live in. You haven't set money aside, or anything. No matter how much I've suggested it. You said "wait until my tax refund." your tax refund isn't even enough to pay for an apartment.
I don't know. You just seem ... Content. With living with your parents and being jobless. Maybe you're not but. You don't try to change anything. You content yourself with your situation, so I wonder if you really want anything to change. I've always felt that if it's bad enough, you either give up or try to change things yourself, because you can't just sit around waiting for things to change. I've learned that the hard way, and I just hate waiting for things to change anyways.
That's why I've become to contemplate living in a studio with my cat. I could afford it, easily, and it would allow me to be in town, and away from my brother. I have to be realistic. You've done nothing to pursue us having a life together. I always have to remind you, and I'm tired of it. You're an adult, you have to remind yourself. Or suffer the consequences. Like I am currently. I kept forgetting to renew my medicaid, and now I may lose it. It sucks, but it's my own fault. I'm mad at myself for it, but it wasn't anyone else's responsibility to remind me. It was my own.
So ... I don't know what I'm going to do. I hate doubting you, and doubting our relationship, but the truth is I don't know if you're ever going to step up, and I can't keep holding onto someone that won't put in the work to start a life with me. It isn't like I'm asking you to do everything. I just ... Need to see that you really want a future with me, because your actions say otherwise. And no matter what you say, actions will always speak louder than words.
[size10 is a meal of just water acceptable?
am I going to do it anyways?
damn fucking straight
[size10 [center I want nothing more than to
Become a cherry blossom
So I can blow carelessly away
In the wind.]]
[size10 [center [+lightpink ❤❤❤]]
those words are so embarrassing and hard to say, haaaaa....
I mean it though. u-u
my heart is doing flips, lol.
I'm so easily embarrassed by showing affection. u-u
oh well. it was worth it. [+lightpink ❤❤❤]
in other news
I can't find a physical copy of MPD anywhere. [i quiet sob]
might have to go digital
I hate digital books
physical copies foreverrrr.
[size10 [center [+lightpink ❤❤❤]]
I'd reach out if I could, but it is most likely pointless.
I mean, obviously I [i can], but. I doubt it would go over well.
My name's been dragged through the mud, both by myself and by others, so. You'd most likely get angry at me even messaging you.
I'm not sure why I care. Guess I just don't want people to feel alone. I always like lending a ear, especially if no one else will.
I don't like seeing people feel like no one care's about them. I guess ... Me messaging a stranger wouldn't ease that, though. It isn't as if I can genuinely say , "well I care about you." If I don't know the person, how can I truly care? It's just ... I care in general. As a whole. I don't want to see anyone, stranger or not, upset or hurt. I'd rather try and cheer them up, than walk away and turn a blind eye.
But ... I should probably turn a blind eye, this time.
Or ..... I don't know.
I should detach myself from just. Giving a shit, I guess.
It typically backfires.
On unrelated note.
Keep having an allergic reaction of sorts, at work. Wish I could figure out what it is, because I'm tired of having to go to the doctor for it. If I knew what caused it, I could avoid the cause.
I ... Goodnight, I guess.]
[size10 [center [+lightpink ❤❤❤]]
I'm not expecting anything at this point. I've given up entirely.
I suppose that will be a relief to you.
I need to stop letting silly things bother me. My focus needs to be school. it's important. most important.
let nothing else stand in my way.
I'm not fucking up my grades this semester. never again, will I let my grades slip.
[size10 I let myself think of you, last night. It was bittersweet, because you'll never give me the time of day again. I found myself missing you though. Hah.
Feelings are stupid, of course ... I still wonder why my heart bothers, these days. I wish it wouldn't .
[center [+lightpink ❤❤❤]]
then there's. ... you. who I haven't spoken to since May. You snuck into my dreams last night. It hurt, to see you there. I do miss you, though it does not matter. You're not really on this site any longer, and when you do get on, you certainly don't check up on me. I'm pretty sure that you're good at keeping yourself from caring, unlike me. I'll always care.
Which ... I'm sorry for. I hope you're doing well though. I'm sure you are. You seemed to be getting better, last I knew. I hope everything works out amazingly.
[center [+lightpink ❤❤❤]]
I'm sure I deserve this isolation, anyways ... to not really get the attention I want, lol. punishment of some sorts, I bet.
ah well ... I'll just accept the loss and move on.
I have other things to focus on.
[size10 I'm undeniably upset at you. You knew I needed to do this, yet you're being an ass about taking me. So fuck it. My ass will walk, because I don't want to miss out on the opportunity to get a new job.
I'm getting really sick of relying on you, because you keep bailing on me. It's frustrating. I can't really count on you anymore, but I have no one else. So I'm stuck relying on you. I'm also at the point where I would rather walk everywhere than have to rely on you. I guess that's saying a lot, but oh well.
Should get off of here, so I can begin the long trek. Not sure how long it'll take, but it is happening.
[center [size10 I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I miss you. Always.
This song will always remind me of you. Every time I hear it, all I can think of is you.
It's been playing a lot more at my work, haha ... I wish you were still here.
I don't think there will be a day where my heart doesn't hurt with the thought of you.
You're always in the back of my mind. Always ... I probably don't have the right, but I miss you.
[size16 I know we can't all stay here forever.]]]
[size10 fuck what I want.
It's not like I mean shit anyways.]
[size10 I'm so angry.
you sent your child to school with holes in her pants.
and you can't claim you didn't notice.
you put [i tape] over them.
so that's how much you care about her, huh?
Enough to notice, but not enough to actually fix the problem.
You can't even claim you don't have the money. You have puppies on the way. You afford food for you dog. Weed for yourself.
But not clothes for your child.
I feel so bad for your child ... How she must feel.
Like her mother can't be bothered to care about her.
Seeing how much you've fought for her dad to keep her and her to [i not go back home to you], makes me so angry. You only want her when it's convenient to you. No other times.
You just make me so angry. It isn't that hard to love and care for your child.
You do neither.
[size10 I know, I know. I'm pathetic.
[+white I'm so ashamed of me.]]
[size10 I'm torturing myself with thoughts of you. I'm not sure why it hurts so much, but it does.
what have you done to my heart, haha.
it's stupid, but I crave this pain. I guess I'm a masochist until the day I die.
... It's all I really ever get to feel.
What even is happiness?
I'm so fucked up. I don't even understand how someone could love someone as ugly as I am.
I don't deserve good things -- I've made so many mistakes ...
Hurt more people than I've ever wanted to.
I don't know how I have the few friends I do ...
Why do I have these feelings for you.
I wish it was easier to throw feelings away.
Maybe I can .
Throw myself into work and schoolwork.
Distance distance distance.
So you can forget all about me.
It isn't hard, after all.
I'm easy to forget.
Forever blending in.
You'll forget about me soon.
It isn't like I was interesting or all that remarkable.
..... I wish I could just isolate myself from the world.
My energy is low . I'm tired of people.
Tired of existing .
Living is so tiring.
Just leave me be.]
[size10 posting this here as well
It's been a hell of a year.
I've lost friends. Made new friends. Rekindled old friendships. I've forgiven people, healed my wounds. I've worked, kicked ass in school, struggled as an adult, and learned what a good, healthy, relationship is like.
This year has had it's ups and downs, but I don't regret a single thing. Every good and bad thing that happened has shaped me as a person and I may not be that great, but I try. I try for my friends.
You guys mean a lot to me, and that's why I'm posting.
Thanks for brightening up my year. Here's to the next. ❤
I wanted to add more. For myself.
Not only have I lost and gained friends.
I'm still dealing with being diagnosed with an incurable disease. A disease that could one day be so bad that I would be unable to work. It's overwhelming.
I haven't spoken about it , but well . This is still my journal , public or not.
And I need to address it for myself ...
The fact that sex will most likely never be comfortable to me again, due to scarring and inflammation in my bladder
it's not even the fact of I want to have sex
it's the fact that I can't be intimate with my boyfriend, due to the immense pain trying to have sex causes me
I'm dealing with it though .. .step by step .
I'll forever be grateful for how patient he is with me.
I'm not sure I deserve it, especially lately.
It hasn't been the greatest of years, but I still feel overall happy.
I'm looking forward to the next year.
I'm psyched for my classes. I may end up taking six classes, if I'm accepted into both of my waitlisted classes, but I'm not going to drop the class I don't need
I'm too excited for it
It's Japanese Movies, and it's taught by the professor that taught my Japanese Literature class
I loved that class, and I adored her
and I just love seeing how other countries and cultures or so different than my own
It's why I loved the Russian classes that I took
I actually have a bit of a love of Russia now, and I would love to visit
Same with Spain and Japan.
I want -- to do so many things.
Learn different languages.
Brush up on my Spanish, so I can write letters to my abuelita.
Maybe work on learning Japanese, and make future plans with heichou -- both to meet in person, and to maybe go to Japan one day.
I swear, I dream big ... I'm not sure how I'm supposed to fit all of the things I want to do into one lifetime .
I'll try my best though!
That's all I can do .
Anyways, signing off for the last time this year .
Here's to the next year.
May it be amazing ,,]
[right [#E8ADAA [size16 ✿]]]
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