i dedicate 2015 to you.
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i just wanted to add another thing chames.
even though i haven't "seen" you in years-
yours is a funeral i'd fly to from anywhere.
it's me, ferris. baby doll. doll face. i forgot what you used to call me but it's still vaguely in my mind, in my head, the back parts where the cobwebs started to gather.
almost a decade ago we met here and you were instantly, incredibly, so fascinating. i wonder what it was that i felt for you - was it love? a crush? childlike admiration? i wished to have met you, to have talked to you. the feelings that were so strong years ago have faded. i've grown - and i hope you've grown too. i hope you're doing well. that's all i can wish for you.
i wish for you to be happy. i wish for you to have found what you were looking for. i hope that maybe you think of me sometimes too, fondly perhaps, or just think of me at all.
slowly, slowly, over the years, i've lost touch. i've lost my touch. i cannot write. i cannot draw. my fingers slow. i don't know if i could call myself a creative anymore.
i'll try though. you remind me of times when i was full of hope. when i was unafraid. when i knew what made me happy and when i pursued that happiness without a doubt, in my heart or my mind, that i would obtain it one day.
i'll try to write letters to you. key word being: try. i guess we all need to start somewhere again, right?
i'm sorry. this was supposed to be a goodbye letter to you - to drop this all. but being here again makes me so nostalgic that i feel like i must continue onwards. forwards. i think you would want me to do that. if i knew you at all - i think the chames i knew would want me to continue to chase happiness fearlessly relentlessly chasing dreaming running flying
i'll do that.
it's a promise, you and me.
with much love,
"when we finally meet again, it'll be the four of us."
i feel like i'm a particle moving through time and space and i feel like i haven't made any connections in the universe.
making a connection feels like there's a gossamer strand of golden thread, strong but thin, pulling on my particle as i am being flung through space and time.
i imagine it would feel warm, a tiny pinprick of happiness.
but i am bare. there are no golden strings pulling at me. there is only sadness.
[center [b 365/365]]
well, it's the last day of the year and here i am.
i didn't write you a letter for every day of the year and even though it was the year that i promised myself i would -
i don't know.
i called this year the ferris year and i guess in a lot of ways that came true. this year was probably the year that had the most changes in it - lots of new people, lots of old friends. i've made a few changes to my lifestyle, you know?
chames, it's been what - four years? i don't find myself missing you so much anymore, but sometimes i'll feel like you, your existence, was so singularly important to me that i'm still a little lost. still hoping that maybe i'll be able to talk to you again one day.
little by little, remnants of the past are chipping away. websites being revamped. websites being eliminated completely, you know - do you know tegakie? well, it's gone now. everything is archived though. it just makes me realize how fast time has gone by. just yesterday, i was in middle school, talking to you, meeting new people, and everything god everything was just so
i'm feeling really nostalgic, now that 2015 is drawing to a close. i felt close to you this year, i think. maybe 2016 i can move away from, you know, all of this. but i doubt it. i doubt i could ever forget you, to be honest. once you know someone, you never really forget them, right?
i'm rambling. i bet if you met me now, you'd be a little surprised. maybe all my development is kind of weird for you. let me tell you, i can definitely drink vodka with you now. if i hit the tequila, and i know you told me tequila's the hard stuff, hey. i'd drink tequila with you too. maybe smoke some k2. or not. because that shit's gross, i don't know why you did it, chames.
i gotta go.
happy 2016, chames. i hope 2015 was a good one. may you ever be reading howl by allen ginsberg and maybe your friend, jack? jack kerouac maybe. what. where was i going with this.
i hope you find peace. love. happiness.
if you're not with the living anymore, rest in power.
if you're still here... maybe one day we'll finally meet.
i miss you.
[right 10:50 pm pst]
[center [b 63/365]]
you ever talk to that one person again and they're golden and you love them and you're really glad they're in your life? i'm feeling that right now. i'm talking to my friend, cher, who i haven't really been talking to because she goes to a different school.
someone who i really trust
someone who hasn't changed a bit.
these people make me smile. :)
[center [b 62/365]]
he's a feminist, chames
that changes the game
like, a lot.
it's a good thing! don't look at me like that. my heart will forever belong to you though. it's okay.
[center [b 61/365]]
i'm angry im so nagyrdasfj ;dslfaj;lfsadjf;sadj
i hate so many people and i don't want to deal with emotional bonds right now it's disgusting and i want to stab something and i'm so angry and unhealthy and things are just not going my way and i'm so mand alsdjf;lasdjj;ldfsj;fasj;lfasdjl;j;asdfj;fasdjkasdfjl;fasdjlfajsdljalfd; FUCK
i can't eat i can't breathe and i can't fucking do anything because i'm not hungry and it's hot in here and i just want to LIVE MY FUCKING LIFE
I DON'T WANT
I JUST WNAT ;LJSDAF GO
[center [b 60/365]]
i spent all of sunday, the first day of march, doing absolutely the worst thing. aka, history homework.
by the way, it's my birthday month so i'm going to dig out all the PMs you've ever sent me and read this and cry a little bit.
[center [b 59/365]]
last day of february.
guess it's been a good run but i'm still tired and i'm still confused and i'm still waiting and waiting and waiting.
it's been disappointing.
i miss ya.
hope you're okay.
i made a pie today, by the way.
several, actually. small ones.
they were very good.
[center [b 58/365]]
sometimes i feel very overwhelmed and then i feel very lazy. i'm not sure if this is some feeling i'm supposed to have. probably. i'm in a state of raging hormones and bad acne and thrilling thoughts. anti-climactic, the way my high school life will end.
i need to step out of my box, i think. not be afraid to show my feelings and then maybe things will be okay. if i just be myself. not pretend to be anyone else. just me. don't emulate. i just.
[center [b 57/365]]
boy, november born, blond hair, brown eyes.
tall. large forehead. quiet but smiley .
good at math. good at physics. good at art.
likes to ski. looks good in a suit.
these are simple pre-requisites but i'm still looking for a spark of personality to cling to.
[center [b 56/365]]
not feeling all that healthy though
write to you later for certain
[center [b 55/365]]
tired but i guess i'm doin' alright
[center [b 54/365]]
i think i owe you a slight apology. lately i've been in a twitchy mood, and i don't really know why. i think i've finally realized that i don't need a relationship to be happy because i am my own person. this is something i've always known, that i do not need anyone to complete me, but the utter rejection of it by my body is kind of enthralling.
i want to start playing the piano again. i hope that in college i might.
also... i really want to get into this one college, early. i feel as though i should pray for it, and maybe... i don't know. i'm conflicted. i don't know if i've wanted anything more, because the amplitude of my pain and humiliation if i don't will be a tenfold higher than the amplitude of my happiness if i do. i feel heavy-hearted. and i feel heavy.
thanks for being my rock, chames. you're the best.
[center [b 53/365]]
i don't know what i'm feeling.
sometimes i forget a lot of things that i want to say to you.
i miss you a lot.
also i hate physical contact. that shit's the worst.
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