Journal/Venting Place

/ By Caleb1021 [+Watch]

Replies: 250 / 2 years 190 days 2 hours 16 minutes 20 seconds

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  1. [Allowed] -Kira-

[Center I write down my thoughts here.]


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Roleplay Responses

No giving up
Not now
Not tomorrow
Not anytime from here on out
No more bitching and moaning, not like that
No more crying about nothing
You've got a life
Live it well
Make others happy
Find your purpose
No more "I want to die haha lol"
It's better to be genuine about your issues that to joke about them
Confront them, then move on and grow
If you can't move past them, then just keep working at them
Even if we can't change everything we hate about ourself, we can still change somethings
If we always believe "I can't do anything to change that I'm a worthless piece of shit", then we'll never do anything to change anything
Because I'm not a worthless piece of shit
And I [b will] grow as a person
And I [b will] make something of my life
And I [b will] be happy

[size7 Thank you all for being so patient with me and my poor mood and bad comments.]
  Gealach Tenebris / Caleb1021 / 3d 7h 18m 3s
Today has been full of emotional ups and downs.
Little highs, big lows.
Like a shitty emotional rollercoaster.

I [b hate] rollercoasters.
  Gealach Tenebris / Caleb1021 / 7d 13h 47m 58s
[Center Happy Sad Kids:
Happy on the outside,
Sad one the inside.]
[size7 Kill me please.]
  Gealach Tenebris / Caleb1021 / 8d 9h 6m 4s
[Center [youtube]]
[Center I bet it hurts to read permanence.
I used to think on all of this and how you don't.
Damn it's hard to find sustenance when all I had was love for this and now you don't.
Now I just abuse substances to drown out your accomplishments, however few.

All of this frustrates me bad cause I can't stay mad at you or change anything that I had.
She told me don't think like that, it's really not that bad.
I hope this makes you sad
I hope this makes you sad.

If it's something serious then hit me up but until then the door is shut, forget my room.
And if I had a match for every lie and every attempt to deny, I'd strike a few.
I am the walls, the silent halls. My jacket at your sisters wedding, navy blue.

All of this frustrates me bad cause I can't stay mad at you or change anything that I had.
She told me don't think like that, it's really not that bad.
I hope this makes you sad
I hope this makes you sad. ]
  Gealach Tenebris / Caleb1021 / 9d 7h 44m 9s
[Center I can't wait to be done with college. This shit makes me want to die. Thanks for giving me a heaping pile of stress, anxiety, and self-loathing. It's not like I had enough of those before you came around. Fucking cunty expectations making me want to chug bleach.

Thanks Mom and Dad, for pushing me into this.]
  Gealach Tenebris / Caleb1021 / 13d 13h 32m 1s
[Center I'm the bad guy? Because I vented my stress, here, in my place?
If you don't want self-loathing, you've come to the wrong place.
I hate myself, and that won't change anytime soon.
If I've upset you so much, then leave me be.
I'll be fine with or without you.
Because I'll die no matter what.
One wonderful, fantastic day I'll be gone.
What do you think about that? Am I terrible for saying it?
I don't tell care. I know I won't be here forever and I'm not going to ignore that fact.
I'll do what I want. That involves wishing the face in the mirror would disappear, ok?

I'm sorry my self-hate is such an issue for you.]
  Gealach Tenebris / Caleb1021 / 27d 17h 46m 0s
[center [b ᴡɪʟʟ ʏᴏᴜ ᴇɴᴅ ᴍʏ ᴘᴀɪɴ
ᴡɪʟʟ ʏᴏᴜ ᴛᴀᴋᴇ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ
ᴡɪʟʟ ʏᴏᴜ ʙʟᴇᴇᴅ ᴍᴇ ᴏᴜᴛ
ᴡɪʟʟ ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴀɴɢ ᴍᴇ ᴏᴜᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴅʀʏ
ᴡɪʟʟ ʏᴏᴜ ᴛᴀᴋᴇ ᴍʏ sᴏᴜʟ
ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍɪᴅɴɪɢʜᴛ ʀᴀɪɴ
ᴡʜɪʟᴇ I’ᴍ ꜰᴀʟʟɪɴɢ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ
ᴡʜɪʟᴇ I’ᴍ ɢᴏɪɴɢ ɪɴsᴀɴᴇ

ᴄᴀɴ ʏᴏᴜ ʙʀᴇᴀᴋ ᴍʏ ʙᴏɴᴇs
ᴡɪʟʟ ʏᴏᴜ ᴛᴇᴀʀ ᴍʏ sᴋɪɴ
ᴄᴀɴ ʏᴏᴜ ᴛᴀsᴛᴇ ᴍʏ ʟᴜsᴛ
ᴄᴀɴ ʏᴏᴜ ꜰᴇᴇʟ ᴍʏ sɪɴ
sᴇᴇ ɪᴍ ᴀ ᴡᴀsᴛᴇ ᴏꜰ ʟɪꜰᴇ
ɪ sʜᴏᴜʟᴅ ᴊᴜsᴛ ᴋɪʟʟ ᴍʏsᴇʟꜰ
ʏᴇᴀʜ ɪ ᴄᴏᴜʟᴅ sʟɪᴛ ᴍʏ ᴡʀɪsᴛ
ʙᴜᴛ ɪᴛ ʀᴇᴀʟʟʏ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅɴ’ᴛ ʜᴇʟᴘ[ .]]]
  Gealach Tenebris / Caleb1021 / 27d 22h 41m 46s
[center [size20 [b Tᴀᴋᴇ ᴍᴇ ᴏᴜᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴛʜᴇ ʙᴀᴄᴋ ᴏꜰ ᴛʜᴇ sʜᴇᴅ...]]]
I'm so fucking stressed.
I'm going to fail my classes.
That's not an "acceptable" result, though. I "have" to pass, according to them.
I just...don't fit into this world. I don't have time to study or work on huge projects or practice speeches or do research. I have a full-time​ job. I work for my money. I worked hard for the $1500+ I paid for these classes.
I could have done a lot with that money.
I don't care if I'm ruining my future.
"Where do you see yourself in 10 years?"
I don't fucking know, maybe 6 feet under?
I don't have a real plan for being an "adult".
I figured I'd just work and shit until I die, however soon that may be.
I'm not planning or working towards some great future life.
I'm settling into a routine and lifestyle that's going to slowly kill me just like it's slowly killing everyone else.
It won't matter what I do with my life, so I'll just do what I want to do with it.
Maybe if I screw things up now, it'll be enough fuel for me to fucking pull the trigger years later.
Then again, why do you care?
I'll just take me and my consistent fuckups elsewhere.
I'll burden someone else.
[center [size20 [b Aɴᴅ sʜᴏᴏᴛ ᴍᴇ ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴏᴛʜᴇʀꜰᴜᴄᴋɪɴɢ ʜᴇᴀᴅ.]]]
  Gealach Tenebris / Caleb1021 / 28d 41m 3s
[center [b [#ffb8f8 I ᴡɪsʜ I ᴄᴏᴜʟᴅ ʙʟᴏᴡ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀᴡᴀʏ...]]]
[center [pic]]
[Center [b [#ffb8f8 Aɴᴅ ɢɪᴠᴇ ᴛʜᴇᴍ ᴛʜᴇɪʀ ᴘᴇᴀᴄᴇꜰᴜʟ ʟɪᴠᴇs ʙᴀᴄᴋ.]]]
  -Kira- / 29d 11h 56m 2s
Fuck, fuck fuck, fuck fuuuuuck!
I can't keep bombing Calc tests like this.
If I don't get at least a C in this class, I probably won't have a 2.5 GPA at the end of this semester. It'll all be for naught. Over $1500 dollars down the drain and it'll all be my fault. I'm such a lazy, stupid, worthless excuse for a human being that I can't even fucking pass my intro math class. It's fucking disgusting.

At least if I move away from here I won't need an education for a long while. I guess I can work at Walmart until I die. "What are your long-term plans?" I don't know, but I doubt I'll make it to 30 like this.
  -Kira- / 32d 13h 59m 48s
Do you ever look back at a day and realize you've finally experienced that thing you've always wanted. Last night was the first time I really had a good, open conversation about deep shit with a close friend. It was so good. Like, there's a lot of different ways I could describe it and none of them would really capture just how good that was for me.

I felt accepted, too. I talked about stuff that stresses me out and you were understanding. 110% best bro. I hope I was just as accepting to you and what you told me. Thank you, Aleks.

[Center __________________]

I don't get what exactly happened between you and I. We've been on again off again for so long now that I'm just used to it. I still feel comfortable around you. I just don't understand. Things were looking pretty good. And no, I'm not some manwhore or someone who's just using you for sex. I just feel comfortable doing that sort of thing with you. Like, it doesn't have to happen. I don't have to do anything. That's not me. It's not wrong to enjoy it, though. I mean, fuck, if I was the horn dog you make me out to be, I'd be taking Vetis up on his offer. I'm not a "player or a user". For fucks' sake...

[Center __________________]

You and I [b really] should talk, but I doubt you'll enjoy it. Some issues really need to be discussed. I want you to tell me how you [I really] feel instead of giving me the cold shoulder. It makes me feel like either you don't care enough to put effort into a friendship of some sort, or you don't know how to have an open, honest conversation.

And honestly, Aleks is cool, but how dense can you be? Like, ffs, he's in a hella committed relationship. What would you have gotten from that? Like, ok,if you wanted to open up, that's fine. Just make sure that you tell them that! If you don't, it just seems like you're Mr-Steal-Yo-Aleks, and that shit ain't gonna fly.

[Center __________________]

And you! You feel like she doesn't respect your job? You don't respect mine!
Honestly, get a fucking divorce already and move out of my fucking house. I'm tired of this fucking bullshit. Oh, and if you damage the house, I'll send you a bill for the repairs.

[Center __________________]

And why is this the third day in two weeks that I've thrown up. Like, what the fuck, body?
  Caleb1021 / 36d 21h 40m 1s
[center Ya 'bout to get ya hair tousled and ya self hugged.]
  Caleb1021 / 37d 12h 33m 9s
Y'all know exactly how to cheer me up when I'm upset.
You are like, my best friends ever.
I will bear hug you wonderful shits and never let go.
  Caleb1021 / 44d 17h 54m 10s
Working through my issues
Making progress
Moving past the bullshit
Growing as a person

This is good. This is really all I need to be happy.
Why would you throw this away?
  Caleb1021 / 46d 9h 2m 24s
Instead of Kira, my new favorite edit is for Red Hot Chili Peppers

Bless you boys for your help. I'm finally starting to move past these things.
  Caleb1021 / 46d 16h 36m 59s

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