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Running sessions again would be good, I think it'd be something to work on when I'm bored and not feeling like playing something or no one is on. I really enjoyed putting maps and fights together. Let's just hope this all goes well.
Maybe I just don't care? Maybe I haven't had the time to sit down and dive into insurance bullshit. Maybe I don't want to be shit on because I'm trying to adjust to a new job while the world is falling apart and I haven't been able to remember to get every little thing taken care of. Maybe I dont need to pay for health insurance I'm not going to use? Just fuck off, honestly.
You're so funny. You think I'm scared of your threats? You think I believe them? You think you can intimidate me into respecting you? You can't. I know you won't kick me out. You're bluffing, and I know it's all hot air. I'm not scared, and I'm not backing down. You can be as angry as you want, but I won't back down. All your threats do is make me smile. It makes laugh because I know I've already won. You can't control me. You don't have anything to hold over me.
Maybe I'm just like, not cut out for this sort of work? Or maybe I'm just being over dramatic as usual and this is just the result of the generally stressful times we're in now. I don't like getting so defensive after just 2 weeks of being at a new job. Then again, it is still a job, so I shouldn't expect things to be perfect. I'm still settling in to this. Things still don't feel normal. Not that things outside of work are really normal. It's a shame I'm too much of a coward to try and fix things. Instead I'm just waiting, thinking that things will magically be different when I know they won't. I know things won't change if I don't do anything, but there's still anxiety there. I worry that I will say the wrong thing or that I'll make things worse. I know saying something would be better than saying nothing at all, but every time I try to say something I end up worrying too much and keep this silence up. I know I shouldn't.
Now that I have my license and everything, I guess I need to listen to what they said and start looking for jobs. It'd get me out of the house and get me some money. Maybe I can pick up a part-time job somewhere, I dunno. I just feel like I've lost all the energy I had before I got my license. Hell, even after I got it I didn't feel like this. Maybe it's just that I don't have a goal anymore. Maybe once I get a job I can try to start setting goals or something. Maybe get a car that's better for me, or look at moving out. Whatever it takes to not feel like shit anymore.
Today's drive was cool. Didn't need to buy those dice, but hey what the hell. I guess I'll do the same thing tomorrow, maybe drive to a different game shop or something to look around. I wish there was stuff to do around here that I knew about. I could go see a movie, I guess. It'd be weird to see it alone, and it'd be expensive as hell unless I do it on a Tuesday.
I guess what I'm saying is that driving is great, but I still don't have anything to do or anyone to do it with.
I fucking love that my parents decided to bitch about me in the next room over, totally aware that I can hear them. It definitely doesn't make me very, very angry. I don't feel like I can interact with anyone like this because all I want to do is beat their dumb fucking heads in. I fucking hate them both, and they want to act all high and mighty and judge me for my choices then try to act like they "care about me". What a load of fucking bullshit. I hope they both fucking die. I want them out of my fucking life. I better fucking pas this test tomorrow. I need this fucking license so I can look at getting the fuck out of here.
I feel like I can't get a complete thought out anymore. It feels different from when I was a kid, and couldn't concentrate. It could be the same root cause, though. I really hope this goes away, or maybe I can try something to treat it. I'll have to see if I have any of my old ADHD pills laying around, maybe I can try though and see if they help at all.
Let's see if anyone says anything. They probably won't, despite us have like, ya know, a schedule. It a shame. I had a bunch of stuff laid out, more than just "oh that'd be cool", too. I've got 11 different maps for 3 different areas all ready to go. I doubt things will change, though. I don't think they really care anymore. Sad none of them can say "I'm not interested anymore". Tim might still care, but that the only person that I think is even anywhere near interested anymore.
Well, I guess these things just happen. Maybe they'll prove me wrong.
I hate this restless feeling. I tired, but I cant sleep. I want to do something, but I don't know what to do. Maybe I'll walk to 7-11. I need to sleep, but I can't settle down. Even the basic sleeping pills aren't helping, and anything else would require a prescription and money.
I want thing to be better, but I'm not in a place to make that happen on my own. I've put myself in a position where I'm pretty much on my own. I guess I should just buckle up and enjoy the downward spiral. I've got til January or February, and then who knows what will happen. Maybe something will happen between now and then, but honestly I doubt anything will change. It's all gone to shit, and it's all my fault.
I love feeling like I can't leave my room or else I'll get bitched at. Definitely doesn't make me defensive every time I go downstairs. I can't even get food without being harrassed. If you want to me do something other than hide in my room, maybe don't bitch at me all the time.
As if anyone could replace you. I still have the ring you gave me. I thought about getting rid of it at one point, but I couldn't do it. I can't replace you. I can't forget you. I'm still yours. I don't know how I could ever be anyone else's.
Torn between trying to make amends and trying to move on. I don't know how possible either one is. Of all the people I've been pushing away, you're the one I regret the most. I don't think I'm in any better of a place than I was. I think that I've only gotten worse. But I'm selfish and part of me still thinks maybe we could fix things. Maybe I could be better. Trying to not think about things between us is impossible. Believe me, I tried. I thought things would be better for you if I wasn't around. Was I right? Don't know if I want to be or not. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think about you too. You're always in the back of my mind.
So week 1 is over.
Some things I'm glad are gone. Others, not so much. I wish I had done this all differently. Well, some of it at least. I don't really miss Alex. Friends are replaceable. Some people are more than that, and they aren't replaceable. I brought it on myself, though. My actions have consequences. Some of them I'm content with living with, some I'm going to regret for a long time. Funny to think getting rid of Alex has been so easy, and I've cared so little. Other people aren't as easy to deal with being gone. But again, it's my actions that caused all this. I have to live with whatever comes my way because of it.
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