Journal/Venting Place

/ By Caleb1021 [+Watch]

Replies: 275 / 2 years 225 days 1 hours 59 minutes 41 seconds

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[Center I write down my thoughts here.]


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Sometimes I think I should say something.
But I either don't want to confront it or I think it's better left unsaid.
There are some cans of worms better left unopened.

I'm still a scumbag, no matter what reason I have for not dealing with things like an adult.I said I wanted honesty from others, but I'm not giving it to anyone else. I'm no different than him. I haven't matured or grown. I do the same shit.
Fucking worthless, that's what I am.
  Caleb1021 / 4d 12h 3m 2s
I've really got to figure out how to make these days off more meaningful. Right now I just wake up late, play video games until past midnight, and then pass out.
If not for work, I wouldn't leave the house.
It's really the only thing pulling me out into society.
I've got nothing to do, all day to do it, and no one to do it with.
That last part is my fault, to be honest. I'm the one who can't seem to keep any sort of friendship going.

I talked to a friend of mine from high school.
It felt so strange. We were so out of touch. I had no clue about what she had been going through. It's crazy to think I haven't heard from any of my high school friends in almost a year now.

What have a really accomplished in the last year?
I dropped out of college, wasted $3000 in an attempt to do what everyone wanted of me.
I've got the same job, but that shouldn't be a surprise. Hell, I've almost gotten fired, so maybe that will change here soon. I hope not.
I still live with my parents.
I don't make enough money to move out.
I don't have a car, a license, insurance, or any idea on how I'll be able to afford those things.

Congratulations, me.
I don't know what I'll do if I fuck things up any more than I already have.
  Caleb1021 / 6d 10h 47m 49s
Thanks for ruining a perfectly good day, Walmart.
Things were going fine until I got to work
Then I ended up stressed as hell and sick to my stomach.
  Caleb1021 / 8d 15h 21m 34s
Tomorrow is another day off.
It'll probably be another day wasted, too.
I've got to figure out how to do something productive with these days off.
I need to feel like I'm doing something outside of mindlessly filling time untill the next day.
I want to get something done.
I want to get something accomplished.
I want to do something impactful for my life.
I'm tired of just working and waiting and slowly getting closer to the end.
How's that a good life?
I don't think it is.
  Caleb1021 / 12d 6h 53m 14s
That's all I had left.
How did I let myself get to this spot?
I thought I was the one who could manage his money.
I thought I was the thrifty one.

I really need to be more aware of how, when, and where I'm spending money.
I have a lot of saving to catch up on.
  Caleb1021 / 12d 11h 20m 6s
Why do my days off always make me feel so damn lonely?
It could be the fact that I'm always holed up at home, but I'm not so sure.
I didn't used to feel this way.

Eh, I guess I gotta just work through it. It's not like the world is going to end or anything. I'll get over it eventually, I'm sure.
  Caleb1021 / 13d 12h 26m 44s
Thanks for being as hellish as I expected, today.
Hopefully things get better once I get home.
  Caleb1021 / 14d 14h 4m 55s
I'm never up this late.
Why am I still awake?
Tomorrow is going to be hellish.
  Caleb1021 / 15d 5h 21m 49s
[Left What are we holding onto, Sam?]

[Right That there's some good left in this world, Mr. Frodo.]
[Right And it's worth fighting for.]
  Caleb1021 / 17d 10h 42m 10s
I wonder if my writing has gotten any better after almost 2 years.
I only wrote 2 posts for that story.
I;m debating whether or not I should write some sort of basic outline or just jump right in.
At least I have a vague idea of where I want things to go.
I just have to make sure everything looks good.
I don't want the dialogue to sound fluffy and antiquated or something, but it [i is] a fantasy story.

Trying to get into the mindset of Arc and Erik is going to be [i fun], I'm sure. One is the former BBEG from the main story, and the other is the Hero. I have a feeling Erik will fill his role and go off to do his own rebuilding soon, so it'll really be about Arc and how he deals with his guilt. I can get with the guilt, but the redemption is the key thing I want to get at. By the end , I want him to have grown quite a lot. The whole "adventuring around and helping people while learning about yourself" format should work.

I've got a good feeling about this, hopefully I'm able to remain interested and inspired.
  Caleb1021 / 20d 8h 21m 35s
[b Points to A- Garen game in SoloQ]
Eyyy, that's pretty good.
Now, let's do it again.
Let's make it so life is like that game: pretty good.
Hell, why not shoot for an S+?
I can do it.
I just have to take what I know I've done wrong and change.

Momma always said, life is like League of Legends. If you learn from mistakes, you'll eventually make it to Challenger.

I'd be happy with low Gold, to be honest.
Let's just make it to the middle.
  Caleb1021 / 20d 13h 12m 49s
So I'm just the worst child ever, then?
Because I decided that college isn't for me
Because I decided to get away from you
Because I decided to not let me rule my life
Because I decided to make my own decisions, even if they're bad ones
At least they're mine
If I want to ruin my life, then so be it.
It's my life. I'll do what I want to do with it.
If you don't like that, or the way that I'm living, then tough shit.
Because you can't change me or how I decide to live my life
  Gealach Tenebris / Caleb1021 / 28d 1h 20m 8s
Deep thoughts, by a Boosted Bronze Bonobo:
Currently the first character to appear in the champion lineup of League of Legends when sorted alphabetically.
Also currently the last character in terms of usefulness.
He has a thing for blood, dies a little bit each time you use an ability, and relies on stealing health to stay alive.
When he does die, he comes back-but he's weaker than normal because his blood well is all used up. Typically he revives from his passive only to die again, pathetically.
He's supposed to be this big, bad guy in the lore, but in-game he's weak and has little potential.

Reminds me of some people I know.
  Gealach Tenebris / Caleb1021 / 34d 6h 18m 33s
No giving up
Not now
Not tomorrow
Not anytime from here on out
No more bitching and moaning, not like that
No more crying about nothing
You've got a life
Live it well
Make others happy
Find your purpose
No more "I want to die haha lol"
It's better to be genuine about your issues that to joke about them
Confront them, then move on and grow
If you can't move past them, then just keep working at them
Even if we can't change everything we hate about ourself, we can still change somethings
If we always believe "I can't do anything to change that I'm a worthless piece of shit", then we'll never do anything to change anything
Because I'm not a worthless piece of shit
And I [b will] grow as a person
And I [b will] make something of my life
And I [b will] be happy

[size7 Thank you all for being so patient with me and my poor mood and bad comments.]
  Gealach Tenebris / Caleb1021 / 38d 7h 1m 24s
Today has been full of emotional ups and downs.
Little highs, big lows.
Like a shitty emotional rollercoaster.

I [b hate] rollercoasters.
  Gealach Tenebris / Caleb1021 / 42d 13h 31m 19s

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