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Let's see if anyone says anything. They probably won't, despite us have like, ya know, a schedule. It a shame. I had a bunch of stuff laid out, more than just "oh that'd be cool", too. I've got 11 different maps for 3 different areas all ready to go. I doubt things will change, though. I don't think they really care anymore. Sad none of them can say "I'm not interested anymore". Tim might still care, but that the only person that I think is even anywhere near interested anymore.
Well, I guess these things just happen. Maybe they'll prove me wrong.
I hate this restless feeling. I tired, but I cant sleep. I want to do something, but I don't know what to do. Maybe I'll walk to 7-11. I need to sleep, but I can't settle down. Even the basic sleeping pills aren't helping, and anything else would require a prescription and money.
I want thing to be better, but I'm not in a place to make that happen on my own. I've put myself in a position where I'm pretty much on my own. I guess I should just buckle up and enjoy the downward spiral. I've got til January or February, and then who knows what will happen. Maybe something will happen between now and then, but honestly I doubt anything will change. It's all gone to shit, and it's all my fault.
I love feeling like I can't leave my room or else I'll get bitched at. Definitely doesn't make me defensive every time I go downstairs. I can't even get food without being harrassed. If you want to me do something other than hide in my room, maybe don't bitch at me all the time.
As if anyone could replace you. I still have the ring you gave me. I thought about getting rid of it at one point, but I couldn't do it. I can't replace you. I can't forget you. I'm still yours. I don't know how I could ever be anyone else's.
Torn between trying to make amends and trying to move on. I don't know how possible either one is. Of all the people I've been pushing away, you're the one I regret the most. I don't think I'm in any better of a place than I was. I think that I've only gotten worse. But I'm selfish and part of me still thinks maybe we could fix things. Maybe I could be better. Trying to not think about things between us is impossible. Believe me, I tried. I thought things would be better for you if I wasn't around. Was I right? Don't know if I want to be or not. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think about you too. You're always in the back of my mind.
So week 1 is over.
Some things I'm glad are gone. Others, not so much. I wish I had done this all differently. Well, some of it at least. I don't really miss Alex. Friends are replaceable. Some people are more than that, and they aren't replaceable. I brought it on myself, though. My actions have consequences. Some of them I'm content with living with, some I'm going to regret for a long time. Funny to think getting rid of Alex has been so easy, and I've cared so little. Other people aren't as easy to deal with being gone. But again, it's my actions that caused all this. I have to live with whatever comes my way because of it.
It's a lead, somewhere to look to see if I can start back on the daily grind. 10 PM-6 AM doesn't sound too bad, plus being so close means I could just walk over. I need to check it out tomorrow, see what the details are and how long it takes to get there. Maybe a little change of scenery is what I needed.
That was nice. Felt good to talk. No real judgement. No push to do one thing or another. Just talking.
Shame I fucked up all of my close friendships, otherwise I might actually have more people to talk to.
It's a shame when I say "I don't want to talk about this", they can't listen. "We want to help you," they say, like I'm supposed to believe them. They don't care about me. They haven't cared about me in 22 years. It's always been about meeting their expectations. I'm tired. I don't want to be pushed and judged. I could use some help getting back on my feet, sure, but pushing me isn't going to help me. I wish things didn't have to end in all this screaming. I just want them to leave me alone. Or at least stop pushing me. You expect me to not lash out when I'm being pushed? When I'm being told that "I need a plan or I'm going to end up on the street"? You think I'm not going to get defensive? I wish they could just let me pull myself together without rushing me. I don't like being pushed along. And yeah, I don't really have any sort of good plan. I'm going to get my licence and get a new job but I don't have a real time-frame or idea on how exactly that's supposed to happen. I don't know what I'm going to do.
Stop asking what my plan is.
I don't have one.
I'm lost. I was lost before and I'm still lost.
Nothing has really changed.
I really can't keep doing this.
I don't want to throw people away.
But that's all I've been doing.
I get angry, fuck things up, get told that I fucked things up, get even angrier, and then just decide I'm better off without people.
But am I really going to just cut everyone out of my life and live in my parents house forever?
Maybe I need to accept that I'm lacking in self-control.
Maybe I shouldn't blow off the idea of getting help.
I mean, it doesn't hurt to at least try, right?
Maybe my moods shouldn't be this volatile. I shouldn't swing like this. I shouldn't be this easy to set off. Maybe it's more than just "a short fuse". Or maybe I'm just seriously immature. Probably both. Still, I act like everything is fine, and then get defensive when I'm told that things are most definitely not fine. That's not a healthy way to handle things. Neither is cutting everyone off. Sure, I guess not screwing up my relationships would be easy if I didn't have anyone else in my life, but that's no way to live. It's a cop out. I'm just giving up instead of actually changing anything.
What the hell am I going to do with myself?
I'm an asshole.
In other news, water is wet.
Congrats, I'm glad you finally figured it out Alex.
I'm glad everyone collectively realized that I'm a scumfuck.
If you expected something different, that's your fault.
I'm not going to keep playing at being a good person.
I don't care anyone other than myself.
I'm a self-centered piece of shit.
Now that everyone knows this, they can go own living their own lives. I'll live mine. And I won't care.
Like, you really think I give a fuck about you or your kid? You're my ride to work and someone to talk to. That's it. If things are going to be difficult, and you aren't going to be worth my time, then I'm not going to feign an apology to keep you around. You don't mean anything to me.
Hanging out and playing Clone Hero was a nice distraction. Didn't stream like we originally planned, but a $25 mic isn't really a waste. I'm sure I can use it for something. Seeing Alex's new house was cool. It seems super cramped, but maybe it's just because I'm used to the way my house is set up. Charlie reminded me why I never want kids. I really can't handle a toddler always messing with things and wandering around and shit. Getting White Castle was nice, I guess. Expensive as hell, though. Getting a bunch of leftovers is cool, but I still spent more than I really needed to. I already had stuff for dinner on my 2 days off. I guess I can just save it for next week, right?
So glad today was just the absolute worst.
Stress on top of stress on top of stress.
Maybe I can just become a NEET and cut everyone out of my life.
I've got enough Ramen in my room to last a lifetime.
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