.:The Journal of a Troubled Mind:.

/ By AL13N4T3D [+Watch]

Replies: 41 / 4 years 111 days 22 hours 54 minutes 19 seconds

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I've been deep in thought lately, so I decided to make my thoughts to the world known, and to let people know what flows through this hyperspeed brain of mine

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[center [i [b July 12, 2018]]]

[center [b Almost another year done and gone.... Divine poop. I feel bad for just upping and leaving for a year but sometimes it seems I just come here to write down whatever is on my mind at the time and just kill time whenever I see fit. I need to do this more and just sit back and relax... Happy to know some people still remember me, at least someone reads these, thanks Niro, I do remember you, and it has been a while. Maybe one day we can sit down and catch up. Back to the past year though... I gave up on the military, they had gotten their shit together finally, just in time for my side to basically fall apart. Fuck it, gonna get my life in order, joining a union, and hopefully moving on to bigger and better things. Cat and I re coming up on our 1-Year anniversary on the 28th, things are looking up for me. I'm happy, genuinely happy for the first time in my life. Having her here makes me live, and no amount of being told I'm a disappointment can change that. She's what keeps me grounded, and lord knows I need some ground. I gotta keep going on this damn testing shit for my new job. I ride for Valhalla. WITNESS.]]

[center [i Slayer- Fuck. Our. Ordinary. Lives.]]
  Gazing Into The Abyss / Anarchist_Zeta / 126d 18h 33m 11s
[center [i [b October 19, 2017]]]

[center [b A month has passed, maybe I'll try making this a monthly thing, at least for now. October shipping date never happened, they now have it pushed back to next year February. Bullshit. If I'm not shipped off till then I might just give up, this is becoming way too much of a hassle. Nothing in my future is worth an investment of 2+ years of waiting. I guess we shall see though. I think I know whats holding it up though, I got a letter in the mail the other day saying a bill that I never even knew I had went to collections from AT&T. $800-some odd dollars. Last time I had AT&T was two years ago, first, how did they get my new address, second, why am I all of a sudden hearing I owed them money? I have to solve this asap, and at the same time fork over money for rent, I now owe him $500, and it'll be $750 at the end of the month, and then another $500 for next month..... Why is all this happening now.... Cat is back already, and I can't even provide that much for her.... I try to help her where I can, which isn't much, but apparently for her its more than enough considering her last relationship..... I have a couple jobs lined up, first one I start is tonight, 10 pm to 6:30 am, and then I have a day job lined up 9 am to probably 5 pm. This will be rough, but I'll do it, first job is M-F, second M-F with occasional Saturdays. First job also has potential for OT, which will def help. I gotta get outta here though, phone is dead and I can't do much without that. I hope to see you guys later on, eventually. You know where to find me....]]

[center [i Reverence- Hammock]]
  Gazing Into The Abyss / Anarchist_Zeta / 126d 18h 43m 11s
[center [b [i September 20, 2017]]]


[center [b So 9 months have passed? Time flies when you're getting pissed at everything and nothing. Still waiting on America's Navy, growing restless. I still hate that they call it that. "America's Navy." Who the fuck else's navy is it going to be? we might as well convert over everyone else, not sure how I would feel about that though. Moved on from my past relationship, found a girl who fit my personality. She is my voice to the non-audible parts of me, which is a lot of me. She shipped off 6 days before I was supposed to, September 6th. Longest week of my life to realize I wasn't shipping off. I felt like shit. Get a call from her just the other day, Saturday if I recall..... She had an anxiety attack.... I wasn't there for her.... I hate my recruiters, I hate my life, I wish I could just break down and cry, but I can't. I have to keep striving for something better. The Navy is better, I lasted this long, I'm sure I can last a bit longer.... Just until October 6th. Birthday. That time again. Fucking hell. A week and a half. I think I have enough ramen to last me until then, then I will be getting my free burger from Red Robin. Thank god for birthday burgers..... then I gotta last a week somehow, that's why I'm trying to get a job, its probably useless though, I gotta think of a plan quick.....]]

[center [i The Antlers - Kettering]]
  Gazing Into The Abyss / Anarchist_Zeta / 1y 56d 17h 59m 33s
[center [b [i 1/5/2017]]]

[center [b Been a while again, almost 2 months now.... Happy Holidays to those reading, new turn of events in my life, decided it was time to start writing again, I'm getting emotions and words to associate them finally, no more writers block. Another year done and passed, a struggling year, given my car accident and spending the year moving basically.... Got some form of money most months this year to keep myself out of debt (Somewhat). Been feeling rather sad for the past few months, got back into meditating, cleared it up, had my first significant other, and then lost him after only about a month and a half.... I regret loosing him but I had no choice in the matter.... Nonetheless, gotta keep on keeping on, and push for what I want. Went out New Year's Eve, enjoyed the night with my sister and a couple of random people, still haven't heard from them though.... Just looked down at my clock and it said 4:20 Blaze It kek. That's another thing this year, USA finally starting to legalize Marijuana, nice but I'll be in the Navy soon so can't do that stuff, until I retire, like I previously envisioned. In Hawaii currently, not staying though, My sister and her baby daddy fell through just 2 days before I was planning on seeing Porter Robinson's Live Shelter Tour. Donald made it through the presidency campaign, We get to see if he actually does build that damn wall, I'm expecting a large portion of it to be taken from taxpayers..... I'm tired af, tried napping but the voices in my head kept me up, all those imaginary friends or whatnot..... Telling me what I was feeling..... It's weird, when you start dozing off but you're eyelids won;t let you sleep you start feeling all those weird sensations of your body falling asleep steadily. It starts with the outermost extremities, fingers, toes, then it moves in, hands and feet, and I guess it then moves to legs arms and head because I generally loose consciousness after that, with the core last, the shallow breathing and REM. Your body basically releases a neuro-stimulator naturally to make your whole body numb so it stays still before the REM starts. Enjoyable, To quote Adam from Mythbusters, "IT'S SCIENTIFIC!!" I'm happy though. For now though, I'll see you all later, I hope you guys had an enjoyable holiday season, let me know what you got, I got a bomb af t-shirt and a shit ton of socks. The joys of being an adult. Thank youuuu, I'll say goodbye soon, though it's the end of the world, don't blame yourself now. And if it's true, I will surround you, and give life to a world, that's our own.]]

[center [i Goodbye to a World - Porter Robinson]]
  Gazing Into The Abyss / Anarchist_Zeta / 1y 313d 20h 48m 20s
[center [b [i 11/15/16]]]

[center [b Been almost 2 months..... Time for some catching up.... The friend that introduced the new PATD music I had moved in with for a month, till she basically kicked me out..... Moved back in with my sister..... I have a boyfriend now..... I hardly get to see him because I work 2 jobs..... He works part time and goes to school part time..... He drives a piece of shit Jeep that is basically about to explode on him..... I went to MEPS finally, got disqualified because I need a waiver for my ankle and knee..... I'm numb to the world, have been listening to relaxing music to counteract all the negative in my life, and it just seems to be piling up..... My friend is gonna see the same people I'm gonna see in the next coming weeks iirc, Porter Robinson x Madeon. I watched their Shelter animation they collabed on, you should as well, if you feel like it..... I might be moving to Hawaii because my sister doesn't want to stay with her baby daddy. Makes sense. I guess, adventure? lets just hope that I can make it in before the holidays, if I get cleared then it won't be hard for me to move halfway around the world..... I'll try to keep you all updated, but like always, no guarantees....]]

[center [i Sad Machine- Porter Robinson]]
  Gazing Into The Abyss / Anarchist_Zeta / 1y 364d 21h 18m 19s
[center [b Not gonna lie..... Terrified is the word I'm looking for. Terrified at the fact that I can't sleep. Terrified at the fact that today might be the day I get everything right to swear in. Terrified that if anything goes wrong today, my parents will regret sending me money (hopefully) all things rest on today and making it to this appointment in 6 hours and 45 minutes. I hope I don't screw this up. This will be my last attempt at getting into the navy, after that I'm telling my parents I'm sticking it out till spring semester and I'm gonna apply for the community in my area so that I can go to school for computers. That's what I was destined for, its just nuclear technician would look nice on a resume. I'm probably gonna waste it away though, because apparently only 53% of people that go into this field make it through the school. What if I'm one of the 47%? I'm not sure what I would do with myself then.....]]

[center [i Care- R3hab, Felix Snow, Madi]]
  Gazing Into The Abyss / Anarchist_Zeta / 2y 56d 17h 16m 45s
[center [b So the past couple weeks have been meh, nothing really new, except yesterday I got offered some acid for the first time in my life, declined naturally, but on my way home the group of friends that offered it asked if I was a virgin, still awkward to date, since it's true ._. but found some new music, so now I'm jamming out to that. [i CHAMPAGNE, COCAINE, GASOLINE, AND MOST THINGS IN BETWEEN!!! I ROAM THE CITY IN A SHOPPING CART WITH A PACK OF CAMELS AND A SMOKE ALARM!!!!] But yeah, got a bit drunk last night and felt fire come out of my anus, still a bit in the mindset of [s ijdgaf] so let me know if you are lonely, but like always Don't Threaten Me With a Good time-[u Panic! At The Disco]]]

[center [i Dearly Departed- Marianas Trench]]
  Gazing Into The Abyss / Anarchist_Zeta / 2y 57d 4h 6m 23s
[center [b So I'm going on a trip today, heading out of state for the weekend, happy.....ish.... It started raining earlier and I saw a car crash happen not even 20 feet away from me at an intersection..... I was in the car with my sister and her boyfriend, they were talking while I kept having flashbacks to my accident earlier in the year..... I'm still getting them after about an hour or so since the accident. No clue if its an omen of sorts telling us not to go, but we're still finishing up stuff around the house and getting leave.... I'll keep you guys updated, it might be time to start making vlogs, these things are getting extensive. Lava you all for those of you that are reading this, you mean the world to me....]]

[center [i Hypersleep- 65daysofstatic]]
  .:Night Sky:. / Anarchist_Zeta / 2y 75d 4h 10m 51s
[center [b I'm honestly done nowadays. Too many problems, too many uprisings, it seems I can do nothing good nowadays, it all comes back to not having a full time job. Tempted to start applying elsewhere but I need to get my shit together before I do that..... Parents decided to open up some of MY FUCKING MAIL, that only had MY FUCKING NAME ON IT. and they are now currently going balls to walls at 11:47 at night thinking I'll text them back, they're thinking something else if they think I'll answer them, I'm giving up, I noticed I went in the red twice in the past month because of charge back from paypal, and I fixed that, I spent less, I got rid of shit because I thought I wouldn't go below a certain number of hours, nope, they can string me out at my work for all they care. Nowadays I'm generally tired of their shit..... End Rant.]]

[center [i Wasteland- NK-67]]
  .:Night Sky:. / Anarchist_Zeta / 2y 77d 19h 13m 59s
[b [center I've been good, if not better than I've normally been. I had to up and leave Texas, now I'm with my dad in Virginia and making progress. Got the last couple documents needed for going in, still not in surprisingly, right? Enjoying life one day at a time, finding new music, still hooked on Muzzy and Atmospheric Music. Feels nice to have a real bed again, been sleeping better, but at some point I'm gonna need to get a job, applied to Sam's Club that's right next to the recruiter's office so I can pop in during lunch breaks or something to check up on the status of my documents, I will make them go crazy probably with them seeing me every day, but at least it means it will persuade them to get me in asap. Gone back to Vanilla Minecraft for the time being, if you want to hop on the server, its a great one with fantastic stuffs, play.mayhem-multiverse.com, Octagami's Mayhem Multiverse its called, its a nice server, custom built by a special team of Devs including the owner himself, they hand code a lot of items..... Anyway, I gotta go back and be a staff member, I promote a lot of things on there when they come out, its tough work, but I make it work, plus I get to be creative most of the time. Hope to see you all there....]]

[i [center You- Petit Buscuit]]
  .:Night Sky:. / Anarchist_Zeta / 2y 212d 6h 5m 21s
[b [center That time again, life's been worse, but then again when isn't it? Left the Vutex job, tried getting on with a company that busses parts outside, they kept pushing back my start date, I was out of work for 3 weeks, and I signed a lease for an apartment. I'm gonna have to get evicted, so I don't have to pay for rent for until they rent it out.... I was planning on driving to Virginia starting yesterday, would've gotten in tonight or tomorrow by noon, never happened. Why? Monday I was going to return a book to a friend when a motherfucking wetback decided to swerve right in front of me, cutting me off, totaling my precious navy blue Jetta. I still hate him. If he tries to bring me to court, I will be suing him for everything he has and everything he will have. "Oh but he said he had a bad shoulder and it hurts." Bullshit. I probably fucked up my knee because it still hurts. tell me, can you work without an arm? Hell yeah. Can you work without a leg? not everywhere. Definitely not on a submarine in the middle of the ocean. Next topic, Military is a go job for me. ASVAB scores were best of the best, I qualify for Nuclear Technician Alpha. Stoked. All I'm waiting on now is documentation from my doctor in Korea to send it over snail mail since he can't just fax it. ADHD got written off my record by my primary care manager, and now I'm bed ridden basically till 8:45 am tomorrow when I go to see him again. Second time in a month, I think that's a record or something. All I need now is some nice muscle relaxers and a couple hours in la-la-land. I'm gonna try to keep this updated as best I can. but once I ship out, you won't be hearing from me for another year at least. I hope you guys don't abandon me, message me if you want to subscribe to this, I will store a list and PM you when I post up a new one. Hasta luego amigos.]]

[i [center Sleeper- Pray for Sound]]
  .:Night Sky:. / Anarchist_Zeta / 2y 292d 20h 35m 1s
[b [center I've noticed there's a lot of trouble going through my life right now, so I guess its time for another entry.... I now work at the Toyota plant here in San Antonio, bussing around windshields and shit, its nice but I honestly want to be working outside....There's a job opportunity over at Time Warner, but I would have to be training for about 4 months.....and I can't do that because my dad already bought tickets..... Which brings me to my next topic, I'm flying to Virginia for Christmas and the new years, hopefully it works out great. If not, I'm taking the first plane home. My demons have been returning one at a time, wearing my soul integrity thin while making me work harder for longer, I can't even keep track now what run I'm on at work mostly because I'm getting to the point of being delusional.....]]

[i [center Petrichor - Set and Setting]]


  Gazing Into The Abyss / Anarchist_Zeta / 3y 1d 5h 59m 46s
[center [b They honestly don't care about how I feel anymore, and it's good I guess... Roseanne asked if I had a home and if she wanted me to send out my shit in one of those pods. I lied and said I didn't but I had a storage unit, she said she wanted me to have a home first. Whatever, fuck her, if I really wanted it, I could just go get it myself if I had the time. I'm hoping on being able to go back up the week of christmas and new years, seeing as I have all that off. I'm going to be an uncle, my nephew will be born near the 21st, lucky kid. I got a new job at the vutex side of the toyota plant. Life has been rough, I'm going through all this, and I haven't even caught up. If you slow down and think, you learn, when you learn, you see, and when you see, you don't want to anymore. Life is sad, dark, unforgiving, but our job is to make it better, and make it better, we will do.....]]

[center [i Blanketed in Snow, A Place Returned- CFCF]]
  The City Lights / Doctor_Death / 3y 78d 19h 59m 30s
[center [b To much thinking, I can't live on with this pain that I'm feeling now...I need an escape, and this is the place to do it. Yesterday was my dad's birthday, I never wished him a happy one, I didn't want to listen to her, because reason would tell me that they would flip out at me, asking why I hadn't replied to their texts, their facebook posts, my grandparent's facebook posts, you know the ordeal, and I knew whatever reason I gave them, wouldn't be enough, so I avoided all of it. I didn't care for it. I got a message at 5 am today, "Big mistake Tristen." My mom actually agreed with my stepmom for once, she said I should've put something up, mailed a card, posted on his page, anything. I didn't want to, either way, there would have been questions. I just wish it could be different. but if they aren't willing to try, why should I?]]

[center [i The Obeisant Vine- Helios]]
  The City Lights / Doctor_Death / 3y 163d 2h 19m 8s
[b [center He texted me today, Mr. Corey, asked how I was doing, I didn't respond, haven't responded, will probably not respond for a while. With time comes more rebirth, like a phoenix.....? This etching under my skin called a tattoo, it will forever be brought up in my life, and most likely here. I love my life now, and I'm not gonna squabble it. No one needs to waste any more time of their life on things that don't matter. I wasted enough, now I need time alone, probably gonna go out tomorrow, driving, probably to see what places in the area are worth looking into, i do need to get my camera lens repaired still, I hope it costs less than $100, that's all I got to spend till payday. We shall see though...]]

[i [center Opening The Gates- Chequerboard]]
  The City Lights / Doctor_Death / 3y 183d 15h 40m 45s
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