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[center [size10 [+blue Things did not get better in the past week like I thought they would. Like seriously, come on.
I saw my recent ex and that went the wrong way fast. It was nice and all, in the beginning, but, boy was it a mistake to see him.
Ugh!! He's such a jerk.
We went to dinner, he paid, for a meal I barely ate.
Then, we took a walk to talk. It was AWFUL!
After, or during, our walk, we sat down and talked.
He asked me if we could still be friends, I said I needed some time for that. He said "I think I can be a better friend than the ones you have." Like, dissing my friends? Really dude.
We sat down and he told me why he broke up with me. This jerk!
The first part was easily fixable. Like super fixable. He wanted his sleep schedule for the weekend back, which was understandable. And I would have had no problem fixing that.
The final thing... UGH!!
He said he didn't want to date a girl like me that he was looking for a girl who was thin and fit and active. Like "EXCUSE ME?!"
He admitted to liking my personality and not my appearance. But went on to call me adorable. I told him I was ready to go home.
He knew what I looked like prior to dating. We met IN PERSON. You knew me dude. You knew what you were getting into.
Don't play games with me if you didn't want me in the beginning.
So literally been crying for a week now, because I'm weak.
Am I mad? Yeah, obviously. If you're not going to be a part of my struggle, you can't be part of my success.
He says he's a man of God, well guess what?! I am reading the bible currently and Matthew 7:1 says "Judge not, that you be not judged." And this jerk was obviously judging me hard!
Would I take him back? Yeah I probably would. If he realized his mistake. Even though everyone has been telling me that I didn't deserve that. That he didn't deserve me. And they're right, but I still really like him.
On a happier note: I have lost 7 pounds since I started my diet and exercise routine. I think those pills I am taking are helping as well. Plus, I have been eating a lot less.
Someone told me about apple cider vinegar pills and I need to check those out asap. Just saying.]]]
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[center [size10 [+blue It's almost been a month since I wrote in here. I'm not sure I really care about that. I don't really care about much lately it seems.
I've been making bad decisions, I think lately. I wanna start making better decisions in life. Much better decisions.
Bad decisions include alcohol and trying to sleep with guys. I haven't really drank though. I have a ton of alcohol left, but I haven't touched it.
Sleeping with guys is harder than I really thought it was. Cause I'm ugly. I get it. I'm attempting to work on that too.
Better decisions would be working out every day. At least I have been trying to anyway. I've been doing really well for this past week. Taking a rest day on Sunday. I started last Wednesday.
Drinking more water daily. I've been drinking a lot of water lately. So that's really good. Trying to stay away from the sugary stuff.
Trying to eat healthier and portion better with my food. I love food, anyone who knows me would know that. So it's hard to limit myself, but it's what I have to do.
I'm trying to lose weight, and it's becoming a lot more difficult than I imagined it would be. I decided to try some pills. I'll be starting those on Saturday. I'm hoping with exercise and healthier eating, they will help me.
The worst decision I made is dying my hair blue. I went from red to dark blue. My hair is so damaged now and I even went to a salon. My poor hair. I ordered a hydrating mask to hopefully help my hair become itself again. I'm also going to order some moisture cream and heat protectant for my hair as well. Since I straighten it all the time.
The reason for all of these changes in me, I got broken up with. After a month of dating he broke up with me and I have no idea why. My depression came back and it's awful.
It's that rejected feeling. He said I was a wonderful girlfriend and an amazing woman, but he wasn't falling in love. But it had only been a month. Was he expecting it to be that early on? I wasn't. I was happy with how we were. Just letting things play out. Maybe I was too much or maybe I'm just not enough for him.
I wanna stay his friend. We were friends before we dated and I'm hoping we can be friends again. When I'm ready that is. I'm terrible I know, but I really liked him, a lot. And I thought maybe he could have been the one.
All the signs were there that he liked me. Him breaking up with me was a complete shock. Not only to me but also my friends who had been around us. So it's still shocking me. I still like him and if he changed his mind, I would very much take him back. Part of me is hoping he changes his mind and wants to get back together eventually.
Church was another better decision I am making. I wanna start going to church. I know with Covid things have been hectic and not a lot of things are open open. But my church has a Zoom meeting every week on Sunday so I've been joining in on that.
Bad decision I've made is buying a mermaid tail at the end of next month. I'm hoping in a month I will have lost some weight and can get a smaller tail than the one I am currently looking at.
Another bad idea, not decision, just a thought, is throwing up anything I eat to lose weight faster. Not just to lose weight but because unlike some girls, I cannot binge eat when said. Food makes my stomach cringe when I am upset. So I already want to throw up.
A good decision is that I've been trying to distract myself with writing my first book. Or well editing it. I'm almost done actually and really excited. Once I am done, I get to turn in my manuscript and hope for the best that they want to publish it. So watch out, this girl might be famous one day.
Some good things that have come out of this is that I have finally closed a lot of tabs on my phone. Meaning I am closing the chapters to some books. Not stalking people anymore. I'm done there and moving on.
I've been crying a lot too. Trying to heal. Hoping to heal. Not really sure how I feel. Sometimes I want to shut it off because I feel so much. But I know that will never happen.]]]
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[center [size10 [+hotpink I still hold our memories dear to me. It was a good learning experience for us both. We weren't the best to one another and that probably speaks loads about us as a couple. I'm not mad at you for anything, I need you to know that.
Of course I am sad at how things ended for us. Not amicably, like I would have wanted. But, I guess that chapter for us had to end eventually. We weren't right for each other, and I know that now. At least, I think I know that now.
But I still do have feelings for you. So I hope you understand that. Maybe one day in the future we can be friends. We were such big parts of each other's lives, it would e ashamed if we really never spoke again. But not now, obviously.
Things are going really well with my boyfriend and I. Coming up on a whole month of officially being boyfriend and girlfriend. I'm learning new things about him. He's slowly opening up.
He got me flowers just because. Who does things like that? Why do I deserve things like that? Why do I deserve him at all? I'm not a materialistic person in no means. I'm a giver, not a taker, so it's so strange to me.
He also bought me cool makeup from his side company. He knows I like makeup, or at least pays attention to the fact I like makeup. I wear it a lot around him. I've only been without makeup on two occasions around him. But, he hasn't complained.
He told me a deep secret of his, or well two, I don't count one of them because I feel it's literally a guy thing, in my mind anyway. But he did tell me one big one. I held his hand as he told me and we talked about it.
I had a slight panic attack while I was at his place. Yes, I have panic attacks. He didn't know I was having one, because I hid it from him. I told him in the morning because I had ended up crying myself to sleep.
Here's the thing. I suffer from depression and anxiety. But, I also have PTSD from past relationships. You can ask at least one ex, as he experienced it first hand. But, I guess, I have even more from that relationship.
I never felt good enough in that one. Maybe I was the rebound and shouldn't have stayed as long as I did. But that's the past and I'm sorry I pushed myself the way I did onto you. That was just the start of the toxicity in our relationship.
I have trouble communicating my wants, needs and just my negative thoughts. I'm working on it though. As to not have more panic attacks or seclusion.
My boyfriend was understanding and held me the whole time I talked to him about my fears. I told him I was broken and he said he didn't mind mending the pieces, no matter how long it would take.
I know I am falling in love with him. I can honestly just tell. But two and a half months unofficially dating and the kindness and understanding he has shown me. It's something I've never seen before. And I thank God every day for that.]]]
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[center [size10 [+hotpink Wow! A lot has changed in the last month, I have noticed. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not though. Maybe a good thing.
I'm moving on from you, I want you to know that. I still love and care about you and want you to be happy, but I'm moving on. Not sure if I could ever be friends with you though, as I still hold feelings for you and that just wouldn't be fair to either of us. It wouldn't even be fair to my boyfriend either.
Yes, that's right. I found myself a boyfriend. I'm happy with him. I'm not in love with him yet, but it'll come, I know that. It takes time. Plus, I'm not trying to rush anything with him. It feels nice to be in a relationship though.
I'm happy in my relationship too. He treats me really well and I'm shocked at how much he likes me. It just baffles me because I've never been treated with such kindness before.
It's strange to look back a few months ago when my boyfriend wasn't even looking for a relationship and just wanted friends. I was fine with that. But I guess the more we talked, the more likely he thought a relationship could work. I guess so though.
He's super sweet and super nerdy. We get a long in a lot of aspects, but differ as well. He's into sports and I'm not fond of sports. I'm pretty girly when it comes to that. I love anime and he's only really watched Avatar: The Last Airbender. But we listen to most of the same music and he's willing to listen to my music. He's willing to watch movies and shows I like as well. Vice versa, I'd do that for him.
I guess it's fun doing firsts together. He took me to my first drive in movie. That was an awkward date. We sat in his car watching these movies and barely said anything. I was nervous and so was he.
He's a Sagittarius just like me. We're very night and day, I've noticed. Even though we are the same zodiac sign. We're opposite, but I like the mystery factor.
I started editing my book. Got chapter one edited a few times now. I was having trouble figuring out my angle, but I finally figured it out. I just had to start writing it to figure it out.
Karaoke is back and I'm so excited actually. I got so excited that I ended up signing up for a video audition call for The Voice. I'm super nervous, but all my friends said to do it. So I'm going to do it.
I hope things stay in a positive light. If I keep thinking positively, positive things will happen. At least, that's what keeps happening though. I never expected life to end up this way. I'm in a good place and happy about that.]]]
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[center [size10 [+hotpink Hmmm... Where to start? It's been a few days since I've written in here last. I guess I just want to write because there's just stuff on my mind and I need a place to vent.
I go back to work next month, June 1st, to be exact. I'm a bit worried and nervous with everything going on. I have a daughter to think about and I'm not sure how I feel. I wanna go back but this pandemic has me worried.
I went on a couple dates with this guy here and I'm scared he's just using me in some way. My friends all think he likes me and I guess they're right, but eh. Actions speak louder than words to me. He's not even said he likes me that much. We've not even kissed. But it seems like he wants to take things super slow and I'm not mad, just confused I guess.
A few months ago, he told me he wasn't looking for anything and then he up and asks me out on a date a month ago. So I'm confused and I'm only half way in this. I'm weary about his intentions, even though he hasn't made any effort to get in my pants.
Two dates and the farthest we have gone is cuddling and back rubbing. Not even kissing yet. He's definitely my type, but there's just something about him that makes me hesitant to like him. Maybe it's just the jumping from just friends to something more. Or maybe it's that he says one thing but does another. It's confusing.
I joined a Discord server for Final Fantasy 7 and everyone on there is so supportive of everyone. And they're super nice too. So I am happy to be making friends on there.
I've started organizing my room a bit. It's a process. I need more totes for my cosplay stuff. I found my red wig while cleaning and I'm extremely happy about that. It means I can change my hair color if I want and still be Ariel with that wig.
I cut one guy off romantically. Gosh, was he confusing as heck. I had to cut him off. Every time we talked, I got more confused by him. We had a conversation and he just wants to be friends. That's cool. Stop giving me mixed signals. Thank you, have a good day sir.
I feel like starting writing again, I'm just at a writer's block. It really sucks. Lemme tell you. Journaling is different than writing fiction. Journal writing is just venting and that's easy. Writing my book takes thought and planning.
I've got a bonfire this weekend. With one of my best friends. So that should be fun. I really love this girl too. She's awesome. We talk everyday and we've become very close within the last few months. So I'm happy to have a friend I can count on now. I miss my other friends though.
I get paid this week and I'm definitely buying some more make up I found and am dying to have. I saw it and fell in love with it all. So that will definitely be a thing.
Started a new cosplay. Hogwarts student, Hufflepuff house. I'm very proud of her and I'm hoping I can collab with my friend from TikTok. She's pretty awesome and cosplays really well, I think anyway.
Things are opening up so hopefully I can get my license soon. That would be great. If things didn't close, I would have that by now. But no, Covid-19 happened. And I think I either had it or just the flu for two weeks. I'm quite unsure.
Summer is coming up and I can't wait. I keep telling myself that I'm going to start exercising, but I get discouraged when people are watching me. So I stop doing it. But I really want to get back into that routine. My friend wants to lose weight also, so maybe we can together, that would be good for me. I'm hoping.
That's really it for now. Nothing too big I guess. Oh well.]]]
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[center [size10 [+hotpink A lot of things have changed since I last wrote in my journal. I go out more with my friends. Except quarantine has got that all messed up now. Everything is closed so I can't go to karaoke anymore. I can't really go to any bars, not that I drink, but still.
I've made new friends and I'm really trying to get back into doing things I loved. Unfortunately, my job is closed during this. But, thankfully, I am still getting paid. As we are a state funded building, we still get paid by the state. We open up next month. I've still had to make lesson plans during this though.
I'm going to start writing again. That's what I think anyway. Or at least it is what I want to start doing. I want to get my first book out there. I have one written, but I feel like it needs editing and definitely more to it, in my opinion. I'm really my own worst critic as it is. But, I've talked to a publisher and they sound legit, even sent me a package explaining everything. Though, I still don't understand how it all works. So I'm gonna finish my first book and call them back I think. So I can get my foot in the door. That's the plan.
I was supposed to have my license right now. My goal was to have it by the end of April. Unfortunately, everything got closed in mid March, after I had made the appointments for everything. Just my luck.
My sister and I have been spending more time together, which is nice. We've been watching movies and shows together. It's fun to do that with one another. The girls, my daughter and niece, have been doing school from home. That distance learning. For the rest of the school ear, as the schools are not opening up until September they say. That's okay, the girls are fine. And I make sure my daughter is doing her work.
I've been making TikToks, haha. It's a fun pass time, I think. I created a Hufflepuff OC for my friends. So far she is lovable. I named her Amy Rose. No idea why, but I love the name. And I put her on TikTok already.
I went to my first drive in movie theater with my friend. That was an interesting experience. His braces were messing with the radio we had. That was hilarious. He was actually super embarrassed after that. I felt bad for laughing. But we had a good time. We watched Trolls World Tour and The Invisible Man. I had already seen Trolls World Tour, but I wasn't sure I wanted to see The Invisible Man. It just didn't seem like my kind of movie. It only made me jump twice. So I am proud of myself.
I killed a spider the other day. I know a lot of people will probably get on me for killing a spider. But I have arachnophobia. Sorry, not sorry. But actually sorry. I don't like killing them and they scare me a ton.
I'm still a single pringle over here. Not sure I'm looking, but I'm at the very least open to meeting new people. I'm just trying to live my life to the fullest these days really. Taking things one day at a time. That's really all for now! I'm friendly. Message me anytime!]]]
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[center [size10 [+hotpink I mean I still think you’re gonna get mad, but whatever. I guess we’re both single so it doesn’t matter. I mean I’m more single than you are, but I don’t actually care. You’re my Kentucky puppy. Deal with it boo.
You think I’m gonna get hurt, but I’m trying win your heart baby. I’m trying to win you back. Trust me, I won’t give up. And if I do, I’m not letting go of you again baby boy. ]]]
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[center [size10 [+hotpink I so thought you were going to be mad. But you weren't. We just chuckled and giggled with each other and then continued to do the things we probably still shouldn't be. But I say to heck with it. Keep coming baby *wink wink*.
My Kentucky puppy. How can I even start with you boy. I'll probably always call you my puppy. You're just too adorable to not. Yes, I'm still in love with you silly. Isn't it obvious?
Been on a Demi Lovato kick. She just speaks to my soul. Been singing her songs at karaoke too. I get told that those are definitely my songs. I sang one last week, [i Stone Cold] by Demi Lovato, and I just was tearing up at karaoke. I was hit with feelings of depression that night. A lot going on in my head these days I guess. But it all came crashing when I thought this girl was my friend and apparently I said the wrong thing and made her upset. But she didn't tell me. So I feel awkward now.
Other than that moment, my weekend has been so crazy and I'm okay with that. Got some more stuff I ordered in the mail. I got this cute skirt thingy and some cute makeup stamps. I'm honestly excited right now. More cosplays to do.
I gotta get back to doing my exercises. Like for real though. Cause I just feel so ugh with myself lately for stopping again. I need to be more motivated. I need to work on getting my license too. And then life will be better, I think anyway. I gotta take those classes again, since I can't find the paper from before and I think that the place I originally went to is closed now. Ugh! But I got this. I'm an adult. This is my year.
Just gonna leave this song here. Dedicated to my Kentucky puppy. He knows who he is.]]
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[center [size10 [+hotpink Life has been busy.... At least it seems that way anyway. Been working and going out on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. Meeting new people. Trying to put myself out there. At least I'm trying right? I mean everyone can use new friends.
Been working on doing different things with my makeup. Doing this anime blush thing and everyone seems to like it. For Valentine's Day, I added little white specks in the blush, like white freckles and I went out in public like that. I got like sooooo many compliments. I felt really good about myself actually. Cause it came from strangers. I was happy.
Thursday and Saturday is karaoke nights. And I absolutely love singing. I go on Thursday with my "friend" Shannon. I put that in quotes because... well... ugh! If you know then you know. She's like a really terrible friend. Like horrible. So now... I'm just using her for rides to karaoke on Thursday.
Friday and Saturday I spend with my cousin, Marissa. It's really nice to have family around. Like really nice. I feel safe with her, even if she does get super drunk. And I can trust her with guys too. Can't trust Shannon at all.
It's not like I have a boyfriend, so boys don't owe me anything. Buuuut, every guy I try to talk to, my friend Shannon [i has] to get their number. It's frustrating because then they stop talking to me and just talk to her. She flirts with every guy I try to get to know. I would just like one guy to myself. That's why I trust my cousin. She's married and has a type. Not a happy marriage, but at least when she flirts or tries to flirt with a guy, it's not one I say is cute. And she's not trying to get his number.
Lately, I've been feeling down about myself. I guess depression is a killer, huh. I just want it to go away. I need to start fixing my life. I told myself this would be my year and it really will be. I just gotta get back on track. I've been procrastinating everything. Time to really start doing what I said I was going to do.
I've been talking to my ex every so often and it's nice to talk. Sometimes it's awkward cause I have no idea what to talk about, but like he can be a good friend. I'm trying anyway... I think.
Let's be real. I'm not trying to be friends with him. I've trying to get in his pants. Heck yeah, it's working for me. Cause every time we talk, bam, he's there. Maybe we just have that sort of connection or something that we just know how to help each other. Plus, I'm wickedly attracted to him and I know for facts he's wickedly attracted to me. Sooooo.... yeah. God, he's hot and I love looking at him.
Don't get me wrong, there's only a few guys in my life that I would ever do anything sexual with. Facts. He's one of them, obviously, even if it's via the phone cause he ives in Kentucky, but whatevs.
Recently, I found out that I am demisexual. I had no idea what that was at first. I heard it about this guy that I thought was cute and asked my other friend about. She explained it to me and I was like oh cool. I didn't think anything of it for myself. . Then a few weeks later, I am at a party, my cousin is like, you need to get laid, so I'm like okay. This dude, who is hecka cute, flirts with me, I barely know him, but he's cute and he asks me if I wanna hookup, I say no, a lot. But he is like persistent and he tries really hard. Even tries kissing me. But I just can't. My body just doesn't trust it because I'm not feeling a connection. Sooooo... I ask my friend if she knows what is going on with me and she's like "Giiiirl... you're demisexual" and I'm like.... "WHAT?!" Soooo I learned something new about myself. Interesting.
I did a cosplay even in the beginning of this month. I was dressed as Batgirl. I got a lot of compliments. I had to make my hoodie and that was difficult. Well, I bout the hoodie and then I had to paint the symbol on it and create the ears. I had my dad's help, but the ears are messed up. Sooooo... yeah.
That's my life so far. Got a cosplay event coming up at the mall at the end of the month. I'm hoping it goes well. Here's to that and the rest of the new year. It's only February right? Ugh!!]]]
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[center [size10 [+red I am in such a good mood. I got to talk to you and wish you a happy birthday today. Gosh how I've missed your voice so much. I'm even more in love than I was before. Curses.
I am glad that you are doing okay, I'm just sad that it is without me. But I will marry you one day. I just know I will. I have faith in that wish.
I want you to have a wonderful birthday though. I can't believe it has been so long since we first started talking. It seems so long ago. I remember I thought you were gay when I first got to know you. Boy was I wrong. We laugh about it now.
No matter what is going on in our lives, I will always make time for you on your birthday. Always. That's a promise. I have done so for the past 6 years. It feels so weird to say that. 6 years.
It seems like such a small amount of time, and yet it's been such a long time. I wouldn't change a thing about you over these years. I mean that. You've become the person I can tell anything to, even if it doesn't seem like it.
Aside from a happy birthday, I want to wish you and everyone on ES a Merry Christmas. One of my favorite holidays of the year. Let's be honest, I love all the holidays. I hope everyone has a safe and happy one this year.
I still have yet to tell you the dream I had. Not sure if I even will tell you. But I can say it was a sweet dream and I'm hoping it will kind of come true. But that is all I am saying about that.
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[center [size10 [+hotpink Thanksgiving wasn't terrible, so that's a thing. My mom cooked dinner. Only her cousin came to dinner, so that was good. We said what we were thankful for and my mom was distracted when I said mine. Thank goodness. She always has a comment about anything I do.
I'm starting to get sick, it's greaaaat. No, not really. My nose is stuffed up and I'm coughing bad.It's hard to sleep at night because of the coughing and stuffy nose. Hard to breathe I guess. But, I'm trying to muddle through.
I've decided to try to get back into my exercise routine. Hoping to start Monday. That way I can have a fresh start to the week. I know everyone will be mad at me for over doing my exercises, but it really makes me feel like I'm doing something when I do it like that. Every day and rest on Sunday.
Things are going alright with the guy I am talking to. Still having those moments of doubt. I know I have a lot of self care to work on. But that is for me to work on, not anyone else. My jealousy isn't an issue per say, cause it's not jealousy. It's more of a worry that I am not enough. I don't think I have ever been for anyone really.
Many of my exes have cheated on me. I've always wondered what I did wrong. I know in one of my last relationships, I wasn't the best girlfriend, so I know what went wrong there, at least towards the middle. The beginning, I have no idea and the end, I have no idea. One day maybe I'll understand.
I do think about my ex, constantly. That's bad, I think. I should move on. He's moved on. I know it seems like I've moved on, but it's really difficult when I thought I had a future with them. When I made them my world. When I really had strong feelings for them. When I was attached. I know he'd never believe me. We fought quite a bit. At the end, I think I cried more than I actually argued. But I'd still trade any of those moments for what I have now with him, which is silence.
It only makes sense. He's moved on. I probably sound crazy. I'm done ranting now. Sorry.]]]
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[center [size10 [+hotpink Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 30 years old. Not sure how I feel about it though. Indifferent, maybe. Hard to tell. I’m not happy or sad. I’m just older. Another year around the sun I guess. I am happy for the celebration though.
It started Thursday night this week. I had decided that I was going to do a whole birthday weekend. I’ve never done that before. And 30 is a milestone. So I went with my friends to see Frozen 2.
It was AMAZING! Purely amazing. I loved it. I hope there’s a third. We saw Frozen 2 then went to karaoke. We’ve been going every Thursday for about 2 months now. It’s really fun and I’ve made some amazing friends there. They’re so nice and sweet. I love them.
Friday I got my nails done and then at night we went to Hawkwood Game Cafe. I got a really nice mermaid design on my nails. I’m in love. I just can’t. Hawkwood was fun. My brother paid for it. So I liked that part.
Saturday, my actual birthday, my brother treated me to breakfast. Then at night I went to the casino with my friends. I even played the slots for the first time. I won some cash. I couldn’t believe it. I cashed out after that small win. I had this pretty Ariel cake. I was excited for it.
Now, it’s Sunday. I’m headed to dinner and an escape room with one of my friends. I’m excited for this.
On Friday we went to a bar after the cafe, I got to see the guy I’ve been talking to and been on a few dates with. Nothing official there. We were there for a couple hours. So I started my birthday there with him. It was really nice.
I do like him. He’s different than my normal guy. So it’s strange to me. It’s nice having someone there physically. But I’m also learning about myself along the way. I’m trying to become a better me.
He’s super understanding though, so I really like that. Sometimes I text him too much and I think I’m annoying him. I’ve actually talked to him about it though and he’s told me that he would tell me if I was. So that’s reassuring. I try remembering that every time I start feeling like that.
I’m a bit broken though. And he’s okay with that. He’s broken too and that’s okay. We can help each other.
I’m in like, so that’s a start.
I’m happy with my birthday celebration. I love my friends so much for making it special.]]]
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[center [size10 [+aqua Everything is changing and I'm not sure how I feel about it.
There's this guy that I absolutely love but we barely talk. If you don't want to make time for me, then that's fine. I don't need to waste my time waiting for you to come to me. It's been two weeks. And you texted me, maybe, a few times.
I know you're going through some stuff, but you can make time for people. If you really wanted to. Sorry if you hate me for saying that. But when you want to spend time with someone, you make time for them. Obviously, you don't want to spend time with me.
That's fine. It's really fine. I love you and I probably always will. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I made time for you, even when I didn't have to or I had other things to do. I found time in my schedule for you.
But it's okay. I'm going to be okay, I think. I hope you will be okay though. I really do.
A friend of mine passed away. He suffered from depression and was not in the right state of mind. He constantly told me how depressed he was. Every time we talked, I convinced him to stay alive. I wish I had been there for him during his time of need.
He was into some heavy drugs, as well. Apparently, he had been drinking and doing some drugs the night it happened. It makes me dislike Florida even more. That's where he was living. He was being aggressive with some cops and then they shot him. But he wanted to die that badly cause he kept egging them on to do it and they fought hard not to use guns. But it ended up being inevitable. It just makes me sad knowing that he was that depressed.
In a happier note, I guess I met someone new. Not sure where it is going to go, but we've been vibing anytime we are together. We text a lot and he's a really good guy.
I feel guilty for liking someone new. I still love my ex, but this new guy makes time for me. He's super understanding and nonjudgmental. I told him I had a daughter and he was perfectly fine with it. Said that he wanted to see if there was something there before getting involved in her life.
But I still feel guilty for being happy. I shouldn't though. But I can trust his words more than I can trust my ex. So that means something. It should mean something anyway. But he's super nice and we may not have a lot in common, but we do have some things. We match in our musical tastes and some nerdy things. But we're both open to watching what the other likes.
It's weird doing this all over again.
I always wanted a Doctor Who life reference and I finally got it. At first, I was crushing on this really cute guy at the bar and I wanted to get to know him. So I decided to get to know his friends to see if I could find a way in to getting to know him. And I wasn't even attracted to his friend at first, just thought he was cool.
Then, I got to know his friend and his personality just sort of became him and I started to crush on him instead. And I wanted to know more about him. I'm learning a lot about him and I'm liking everything so far. Everything may not be peaches and cream with him, but that gives him depth and character.
Basically, he is the Rory to my Amy. It happened by accident and I can't help but like that. His friends are super nice and we definitely get along. So I'm for that.
But I still feel guilty. I shouldn't though. But I do.]]]
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[center [size10 [+hotpink Sometimes people surprise you and sometimes they do exactly what you expect.
I thought this girl was my friend, but it turns out, nope. Extremely nope. I have the opportunity to talk to her and I'm not sure I want to. Literally found out that she has already hooked up with and been in a relationship with the guy she knew I had a crush on. And she hasn't even been single very long. Soooo... you're a crappy friend and you weren't really in love.
Yeah, yeah. I know, people heal at different rates. But when you're in love, it should really be like a long time. At most 3 months. And she hasn't even been single a month. Maybe it's been a month now, but not when she dated the guy. She had been with her ex for four years and they were engaged. Going to get married and she just moves on like he's nothing to her. That just makes me sick. I say 3 months to wait is a good time to wait after a guy breaks up with you. Especially if you were in love with them. If you break up with the person, it's a totally different story.
I'm really debating on not being her friend anymore and not having that talk. I doubt it will happen either. She's not a talker. I've tried in the past to talk to her and she's brushed it off and lied about me. I don't really think that is someone I should be friends with. Even lied [i after] we made up as well.
My crush/ex surprised me by doing something sweet. At least sweet to me. He knows what he did and that's that. It just surprised me because I wasn't expecting it and it gave me a smile that he did it with me in mind.
Yea, he's my ex, but I still have feelings for him. I can't help it really. I just can't picture my life without him in it to be honest. He's my best friend. I tell him everything really. And he tells me quite a bit. Can't say I'm his best friend, but I know we are close. I'd like to be closer to him, but only when he is ready. Yes, I know I am pushy, but I can wait. Great things are worth waiting for.
Which reminds me of another quote I like "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return,". I'm not sure why it is resonating with me these days but it's been helpful I suppose. I'm learning to love the proper way. To communicate, without arguing, which was and still is a bit of a work in progress for me. So hopefully things will get better.]]]
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[center [size10 [+hotpink Some days I don't seem to know up from down or down from up. Even left and right get mixed up.
That's how my days seem these days. I'm in a funk. But... I got a laptop and my creative juices have been flowing and I really want to role play more. I want to chat with more people and make new friends more. I want to do more cosplays.
Currently debating on which one to do next. Currently, I've done female Sonic, female Deku, Ariel , Amy Pond, Juvia Lockser and three different original characters. I think I have done some other ones as well, but I cannot remember all of them. They're mainly on my TikTok page. But I also cosplay Ariel quite frequently with my cosplay group.
I did one event so far with my cosplay group and it was less than successful. Only because there were very few children there.I'm hoping the next event will be better. Currently, I go as Ariel to them, since that is the cosplay I have the full costume for. I do Ariel when she is human with no voice, but I can talk as her, as long as I stay true to her character when talking to children.
I love cosplaying and doing makeup. Experimenting is so much fun. I have a vampire/angel original character named Fallyn Angel. She has three forms to her. Her mother was a vampire and her father was an angel. In angel form she has blue eyes, curly read hair, no fangs and wears all white clothing. She sparkles even. In her normal form, she has straight hair, purple eyes, small fangs and wears whatever she feels like. In her vampire form, she has straight hair, red eyes, all black clothes and her fangs are much longer. Her personality even changes with each form too. As an angel, she is wise and fair. As her normal self, she is shy and timid, since most of her life she has been looked at as a freak. As a vampire, she's seductive and cruel.
My second original character is a werewolf named Ren. I don't have a backstory for her yet. But she has curly hair and pointed ears, fangs too. She wears a tank top and glasses. It's a specific tank top I have for her character. She's on the sarcastic side and I love her personality.
My third original character is Derya, she a fae and I love her. She has blue hair, blue eyes, wears a white dress, has white wings, wears a blue flower crown. She's sweet and kind and very new to the human world. But she tries to protect everyone to the best of her ability.
I do have a Hufflepuff original character, but she doesn't have a name yet. But she has straight hair, glasses and wears a yellow plaid dress with a Hufflepuff pin on it. She's on the shy side, but has a lot of Slytherin friends.
I want to do an Evie cosplay from Descendants 3. I loved her outfit and I just love Evie so freaking much. I identify with her all too much. I tend to identify with the blue haired women, I've noticed. Evie and Juvia for examples.
What else has been going on? Hmmm... I'm still in love with my ex. I wanna be with him, I really do. But it always seems like he's looking for something to fight about. I'm not sure what is going on with him these days though. I am literally expressing my feelings towards him, I'm not implying or inferring that that is his intention whatsoever, but just telling him my all around feelings towards what happened. And that seems to start a fight.
It used to be that I scared him. Now a days, I'm scared to tell him how I feel in fear of starting a fight. I love him dearly, do not mistake that fact at all, but I'm not trying to argue with him at all. I'm expressing my feelings. Before we had miscommunication all the time because I didn't speak up about my feelings. And now I do and it seems to cause more of a mess that I did not want. Just a peaceful conversation about feelings is all I was looking for. Just give me some reassurance that it's not what you are trying to do and that's that. Hug me, kiss me, tell me I'm being silly. Acknowledge that my feelings are valid because of the abuse I went through in my life and tell me that I have nothing to fear with you.
I admit that I have issues in relationships. I'm not perfect and I do not claim to be. I have jealousy issues and self esteem issues. Most guys I have dated or been with intimately end up telling me beautiful lies. They say one thing and then I see another thing. It's not nice to be the girl no one wants to be with. It messes with your mind a little. It messes with how you look at yourself.
Not only that, I got bullied growing up. I still get bullied. Not only by my peers occasionally, but also by my own mother. That's not kind at all. I do not bully my daughter. I tell her she is beautiful no matter what. My mother, from a young age used to call me fat and tell me that I needed to lose weight. I was just a child then. She still berates me to this day. No only on my outer appearance, but my ability as a mother and on my job.
I have a job, it may not pay a lot, but it is a job. When I finish school it will pay more. I just have to finish school. I may not live on my own yet, but that is because I am being a mother and trying my hardest for my daughter.
I go through a lot of things that people never see. Because I literally hide it all. I hide small stuff. I suffer from depression and anxiety. I'm not okay. I cry sometimes. And you know what, it's okay to not be okay. At least I am aware of that and I am trying to help myself.]]]
All posts are either in parody or to be taken as literature. This is a roleplay site. Sexual content is forbidden.