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[center [size10 [+hotpink Hmmm... Where to start? It's been a few days since I've written in here last. I guess I just want to write because there's just stuff on my mind and I need a place to vent.
I go back to work next month, June 1st, to be exact. I'm a bit worried and nervous with everything going on. I have a daughter to think about and I'm not sure how I feel. I wanna go back but this pandemic has me worried.
I went on a couple dates with this guy here and I'm scared he's just using me in some way. My friends all think he likes me and I guess they're right, but eh. Actions speak louder than words to me. He's not even said he likes me that much. We've not even kissed. But it seems like he wants to take things super slow and I'm not mad, just confused I guess.
A few months ago, he told me he wasn't looking for anything and then he up and asks me out on a date a month ago. So I'm confused and I'm only half way in this. I'm weary about his intentions, even though he hasn't made any effort to get in my pants.
Two dates and the farthest we have gone is cuddling and back rubbing. Not even kissing yet. He's definitely my type, but there's just something about him that makes me hesitant to like him. Maybe it's just the jumping from just friends to something more. Or maybe it's that he says one thing but does another. It's confusing.
I joined a Discord server for Final Fantasy 7 and everyone on there is so supportive of everyone. And they're super nice too. So I am happy to be making friends on there.
I've started organizing my room a bit. It's a process. I need more totes for my cosplay stuff. I found my red wig while cleaning and I'm extremely happy about that. It means I can change my hair color if I want and still be Ariel with that wig.
I cut one guy off romantically. Gosh, was he confusing as heck. I had to cut him off. Every time we talked, I got more confused by him. We had a conversation and he just wants to be friends. That's cool. Stop giving me mixed signals. Thank you, have a good day sir.
I feel like starting writing again, I'm just at a writer's block. It really sucks. Lemme tell you. Journaling is different than writing fiction. Journal writing is just venting and that's easy. Writing my book takes thought and planning.
I've got a bonfire this weekend. With one of my best friends. So that should be fun. I really love this girl too. She's awesome. We talk everyday and we've become very close within the last few months. So I'm happy to have a friend I can count on now. I miss my other friends though.
I get paid this week and I'm definitely buying some more make up I found and am dying to have. I saw it and fell in love with it all. So that will definitely be a thing.
Started a new cosplay. Hogwarts student, Hufflepuff house. I'm very proud of her and I'm hoping I can collab with my friend from TikTok. She's pretty awesome and cosplays really well, I think anyway.
Things are opening up so hopefully I can get my license soon. That would be great. If things didn't close, I would have that by now. But no, Covid-19 happened. And I think I either had it or just the flu for two weeks. I'm quite unsure.
Summer is coming up and I can't wait. I keep telling myself that I'm going to start exercising, but I get discouraged when people are watching me. So I stop doing it. But I really want to get back into that routine. My friend wants to lose weight also, so maybe we can together, that would be good for me. I'm hoping.
That's really it for now. Nothing too big I guess. Oh well.]]]
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[center [size10 [+hotpink A lot of things have changed since I last wrote in my journal. I go out more with my friends. Except quarantine has got that all messed up now. Everything is closed so I can't go to karaoke anymore. I can't really go to any bars, not that I drink, but still.
I've made new friends and I'm really trying to get back into doing things I loved. Unfortunately, my job is closed during this. But, thankfully, I am still getting paid. As we are a state funded building, we still get paid by the state. We open up next month. I've still had to make lesson plans during this though.
I'm going to start writing again. That's what I think anyway. Or at least it is what I want to start doing. I want to get my first book out there. I have one written, but I feel like it needs editing and definitely more to it, in my opinion. I'm really my own worst critic as it is. But, I've talked to a publisher and they sound legit, even sent me a package explaining everything. Though, I still don't understand how it all works. So I'm gonna finish my first book and call them back I think. So I can get my foot in the door. That's the plan.
I was supposed to have my license right now. My goal was to have it by the end of April. Unfortunately, everything got closed in mid March, after I had made the appointments for everything. Just my luck.
My sister and I have been spending more time together, which is nice. We've been watching movies and shows together. It's fun to do that with one another. The girls, my daughter and niece, have been doing school from home. That distance learning. For the rest of the school ear, as the schools are not opening up until September they say. That's okay, the girls are fine. And I make sure my daughter is doing her work.
I've been making TikToks, haha. It's a fun pass time, I think. I created a Hufflepuff OC for my friends. So far she is lovable. I named her Amy Rose. No idea why, but I love the name. And I put her on TikTok already.
I went to my first drive in movie theater with my friend. That was an interesting experience. His braces were messing with the radio we had. That was hilarious. He was actually super embarrassed after that. I felt bad for laughing. But we had a good time. We watched Trolls World Tour and The Invisible Man. I had already seen Trolls World Tour, but I wasn't sure I wanted to see The Invisible Man. It just didn't seem like my kind of movie. It only made me jump twice. So I am proud of myself.
I killed a spider the other day. I know a lot of people will probably get on me for killing a spider. But I have arachnophobia. Sorry, not sorry. But actually sorry. I don't like killing them and they scare me a ton.
I'm still a single pringle over here. Not sure I'm looking, but I'm at the very least open to meeting new people. I'm just trying to live my life to the fullest these days really. Taking things one day at a time. That's really all for now! I'm friendly. Message me anytime!]]]
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[center [size10 [+hotpink I mean I still think you’re gonna get mad, but whatever. I guess we’re both single so it doesn’t matter. I mean I’m more single than you are, but I don’t actually care. You’re my Kentucky puppy. Deal with it boo.
You think I’m gonna get hurt, but I’m trying win your heart baby. I’m trying to win you back. Trust me, I won’t give up. And if I do, I’m not letting go of you again baby boy. ]]]
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[center [size10 [+hotpink I so thought you were going to be mad. But you weren't. We just chuckled and giggled with each other and then continued to do the things we probably still shouldn't be. But I say to heck with it. Keep coming baby *wink wink*.
My Kentucky puppy. How can I even start with you boy. I'll probably always call you my puppy. You're just too adorable to not. Yes, I'm still in love with you silly. Isn't it obvious?
Been on a Demi Lovato kick. She just speaks to my soul. Been singing her songs at karaoke too. I get told that those are definitely my songs. I sang one last week, [i Stone Cold] by Demi Lovato, and I just was tearing up at karaoke. I was hit with feelings of depression that night. A lot going on in my head these days I guess. But it all came crashing when I thought this girl was my friend and apparently I said the wrong thing and made her upset. But she didn't tell me. So I feel awkward now.
Other than that moment, my weekend has been so crazy and I'm okay with that. Got some more stuff I ordered in the mail. I got this cute skirt thingy and some cute makeup stamps. I'm honestly excited right now. More cosplays to do.
I gotta get back to doing my exercises. Like for real though. Cause I just feel so ugh with myself lately for stopping again. I need to be more motivated. I need to work on getting my license too. And then life will be better, I think anyway. I gotta take those classes again, since I can't find the paper from before and I think that the place I originally went to is closed now. Ugh! But I got this. I'm an adult. This is my year.
Just gonna leave this song here. Dedicated to my Kentucky puppy. He knows who he is.]]
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[center [size10 [+hotpink Life has been busy.... At least it seems that way anyway. Been working and going out on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. Meeting new people. Trying to put myself out there. At least I'm trying right? I mean everyone can use new friends.
Been working on doing different things with my makeup. Doing this anime blush thing and everyone seems to like it. For Valentine's Day, I added little white specks in the blush, like white freckles and I went out in public like that. I got like sooooo many compliments. I felt really good about myself actually. Cause it came from strangers. I was happy.
Thursday and Saturday is karaoke nights. And I absolutely love singing. I go on Thursday with my "friend" Shannon. I put that in quotes because... well... ugh! If you know then you know. She's like a really terrible friend. Like horrible. So now... I'm just using her for rides to karaoke on Thursday.
Friday and Saturday I spend with my cousin, Marissa. It's really nice to have family around. Like really nice. I feel safe with her, even if she does get super drunk. And I can trust her with guys too. Can't trust Shannon at all.
It's not like I have a boyfriend, so boys don't owe me anything. Buuuut, every guy I try to talk to, my friend Shannon [i has] to get their number. It's frustrating because then they stop talking to me and just talk to her. She flirts with every guy I try to get to know. I would just like one guy to myself. That's why I trust my cousin. She's married and has a type. Not a happy marriage, but at least when she flirts or tries to flirt with a guy, it's not one I say is cute. And she's not trying to get his number.
Lately, I've been feeling down about myself. I guess depression is a killer, huh. I just want it to go away. I need to start fixing my life. I told myself this would be my year and it really will be. I just gotta get back on track. I've been procrastinating everything. Time to really start doing what I said I was going to do.
I've been talking to my ex every so often and it's nice to talk. Sometimes it's awkward cause I have no idea what to talk about, but like he can be a good friend. I'm trying anyway... I think.
Let's be real. I'm not trying to be friends with him. I've trying to get in his pants. Heck yeah, it's working for me. Cause every time we talk, bam, he's there. Maybe we just have that sort of connection or something that we just know how to help each other. Plus, I'm wickedly attracted to him and I know for facts he's wickedly attracted to me. Sooooo.... yeah. God, he's hot and I love looking at him.
Don't get me wrong, there's only a few guys in my life that I would ever do anything sexual with. Facts. He's one of them, obviously, even if it's via the phone cause he ives in Kentucky, but whatevs.
Recently, I found out that I am demisexual. I had no idea what that was at first. I heard it about this guy that I thought was cute and asked my other friend about. She explained it to me and I was like oh cool. I didn't think anything of it for myself. . Then a few weeks later, I am at a party, my cousin is like, you need to get laid, so I'm like okay. This dude, who is hecka cute, flirts with me, I barely know him, but he's cute and he asks me if I wanna hookup, I say no, a lot. But he is like persistent and he tries really hard. Even tries kissing me. But I just can't. My body just doesn't trust it because I'm not feeling a connection. Sooooo... I ask my friend if she knows what is going on with me and she's like "Giiiirl... you're demisexual" and I'm like.... "WHAT?!" Soooo I learned something new about myself. Interesting.
I did a cosplay even in the beginning of this month. I was dressed as Batgirl. I got a lot of compliments. I had to make my hoodie and that was difficult. Well, I bout the hoodie and then I had to paint the symbol on it and create the ears. I had my dad's help, but the ears are messed up. Sooooo... yeah.
That's my life so far. Got a cosplay event coming up at the mall at the end of the month. I'm hoping it goes well. Here's to that and the rest of the new year. It's only February right? Ugh!!]]]
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[center [size10 [+red I am in such a good mood. I got to talk to you and wish you a happy birthday today. Gosh how I've missed your voice so much. I'm even more in love than I was before. Curses.
I am glad that you are doing okay, I'm just sad that it is without me. But I will marry you one day. I just know I will. I have faith in that wish.
I want you to have a wonderful birthday though. I can't believe it has been so long since we first started talking. It seems so long ago. I remember I thought you were gay when I first got to know you. Boy was I wrong. We laugh about it now.
No matter what is going on in our lives, I will always make time for you on your birthday. Always. That's a promise. I have done so for the past 6 years. It feels so weird to say that. 6 years.
It seems like such a small amount of time, and yet it's been such a long time. I wouldn't change a thing about you over these years. I mean that. You've become the person I can tell anything to, even if it doesn't seem like it.
Aside from a happy birthday, I want to wish you and everyone on ES a Merry Christmas. One of my favorite holidays of the year. Let's be honest, I love all the holidays. I hope everyone has a safe and happy one this year.
I still have yet to tell you the dream I had. Not sure if I even will tell you. But I can say it was a sweet dream and I'm hoping it will kind of come true. But that is all I am saying about that.
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[center [size10 [+hotpink Thanksgiving wasn't terrible, so that's a thing. My mom cooked dinner. Only her cousin came to dinner, so that was good. We said what we were thankful for and my mom was distracted when I said mine. Thank goodness. She always has a comment about anything I do.
I'm starting to get sick, it's greaaaat. No, not really. My nose is stuffed up and I'm coughing bad.It's hard to sleep at night because of the coughing and stuffy nose. Hard to breathe I guess. But, I'm trying to muddle through.
I've decided to try to get back into my exercise routine. Hoping to start Monday. That way I can have a fresh start to the week. I know everyone will be mad at me for over doing my exercises, but it really makes me feel like I'm doing something when I do it like that. Every day and rest on Sunday.
Things are going alright with the guy I am talking to. Still having those moments of doubt. I know I have a lot of self care to work on. But that is for me to work on, not anyone else. My jealousy isn't an issue per say, cause it's not jealousy. It's more of a worry that I am not enough. I don't think I have ever been for anyone really.
Many of my exes have cheated on me. I've always wondered what I did wrong. I know in one of my last relationships, I wasn't the best girlfriend, so I know what went wrong there, at least towards the middle. The beginning, I have no idea and the end, I have no idea. One day maybe I'll understand.
I do think about my ex, constantly. That's bad, I think. I should move on. He's moved on. I know it seems like I've moved on, but it's really difficult when I thought I had a future with them. When I made them my world. When I really had strong feelings for them. When I was attached. I know he'd never believe me. We fought quite a bit. At the end, I think I cried more than I actually argued. But I'd still trade any of those moments for what I have now with him, which is silence.
It only makes sense. He's moved on. I probably sound crazy. I'm done ranting now. Sorry.]]]
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[center [size10 [+hotpink Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 30 years old. Not sure how I feel about it though. Indifferent, maybe. Hard to tell. I’m not happy or sad. I’m just older. Another year around the sun I guess. I am happy for the celebration though.
It started Thursday night this week. I had decided that I was going to do a whole birthday weekend. I’ve never done that before. And 30 is a milestone. So I went with my friends to see Frozen 2.
It was AMAZING! Purely amazing. I loved it. I hope there’s a third. We saw Frozen 2 then went to karaoke. We’ve been going every Thursday for about 2 months now. It’s really fun and I’ve made some amazing friends there. They’re so nice and sweet. I love them.
Friday I got my nails done and then at night we went to Hawkwood Game Cafe. I got a really nice mermaid design on my nails. I’m in love. I just can’t. Hawkwood was fun. My brother paid for it. So I liked that part.
Saturday, my actual birthday, my brother treated me to breakfast. Then at night I went to the casino with my friends. I even played the slots for the first time. I won some cash. I couldn’t believe it. I cashed out after that small win. I had this pretty Ariel cake. I was excited for it.
Now, it’s Sunday. I’m headed to dinner and an escape room with one of my friends. I’m excited for this.
On Friday we went to a bar after the cafe, I got to see the guy I’ve been talking to and been on a few dates with. Nothing official there. We were there for a couple hours. So I started my birthday there with him. It was really nice.
I do like him. He’s different than my normal guy. So it’s strange to me. It’s nice having someone there physically. But I’m also learning about myself along the way. I’m trying to become a better me.
He’s super understanding though, so I really like that. Sometimes I text him too much and I think I’m annoying him. I’ve actually talked to him about it though and he’s told me that he would tell me if I was. So that’s reassuring. I try remembering that every time I start feeling like that.
I’m a bit broken though. And he’s okay with that. He’s broken too and that’s okay. We can help each other.
I’m in like, so that’s a start.
I’m happy with my birthday celebration. I love my friends so much for making it special.]]]
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[center [size10 [+aqua Everything is changing and I'm not sure how I feel about it.
There's this guy that I absolutely love but we barely talk. If you don't want to make time for me, then that's fine. I don't need to waste my time waiting for you to come to me. It's been two weeks. And you texted me, maybe, a few times.
I know you're going through some stuff, but you can make time for people. If you really wanted to. Sorry if you hate me for saying that. But when you want to spend time with someone, you make time for them. Obviously, you don't want to spend time with me.
That's fine. It's really fine. I love you and I probably always will. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I made time for you, even when I didn't have to or I had other things to do. I found time in my schedule for you.
But it's okay. I'm going to be okay, I think. I hope you will be okay though. I really do.
A friend of mine passed away. He suffered from depression and was not in the right state of mind. He constantly told me how depressed he was. Every time we talked, I convinced him to stay alive. I wish I had been there for him during his time of need.
He was into some heavy drugs, as well. Apparently, he had been drinking and doing some drugs the night it happened. It makes me dislike Florida even more. That's where he was living. He was being aggressive with some cops and then they shot him. But he wanted to die that badly cause he kept egging them on to do it and they fought hard not to use guns. But it ended up being inevitable. It just makes me sad knowing that he was that depressed.
In a happier note, I guess I met someone new. Not sure where it is going to go, but we've been vibing anytime we are together. We text a lot and he's a really good guy.
I feel guilty for liking someone new. I still love my ex, but this new guy makes time for me. He's super understanding and nonjudgmental. I told him I had a daughter and he was perfectly fine with it. Said that he wanted to see if there was something there before getting involved in her life.
But I still feel guilty for being happy. I shouldn't though. But I can trust his words more than I can trust my ex. So that means something. It should mean something anyway. But he's super nice and we may not have a lot in common, but we do have some things. We match in our musical tastes and some nerdy things. But we're both open to watching what the other likes.
It's weird doing this all over again.
I always wanted a Doctor Who life reference and I finally got it. At first, I was crushing on this really cute guy at the bar and I wanted to get to know him. So I decided to get to know his friends to see if I could find a way in to getting to know him. And I wasn't even attracted to his friend at first, just thought he was cool.
Then, I got to know his friend and his personality just sort of became him and I started to crush on him instead. And I wanted to know more about him. I'm learning a lot about him and I'm liking everything so far. Everything may not be peaches and cream with him, but that gives him depth and character.
Basically, he is the Rory to my Amy. It happened by accident and I can't help but like that. His friends are super nice and we definitely get along. So I'm for that.
But I still feel guilty. I shouldn't though. But I do.]]]
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[center [size10 [+hotpink Sometimes people surprise you and sometimes they do exactly what you expect.
I thought this girl was my friend, but it turns out, nope. Extremely nope. I have the opportunity to talk to her and I'm not sure I want to. Literally found out that she has already hooked up with and been in a relationship with the guy she knew I had a crush on. And she hasn't even been single very long. Soooo... you're a crappy friend and you weren't really in love.
Yeah, yeah. I know, people heal at different rates. But when you're in love, it should really be like a long time. At most 3 months. And she hasn't even been single a month. Maybe it's been a month now, but not when she dated the guy. She had been with her ex for four years and they were engaged. Going to get married and she just moves on like he's nothing to her. That just makes me sick. I say 3 months to wait is a good time to wait after a guy breaks up with you. Especially if you were in love with them. If you break up with the person, it's a totally different story.
I'm really debating on not being her friend anymore and not having that talk. I doubt it will happen either. She's not a talker. I've tried in the past to talk to her and she's brushed it off and lied about me. I don't really think that is someone I should be friends with. Even lied [i after] we made up as well.
My crush/ex surprised me by doing something sweet. At least sweet to me. He knows what he did and that's that. It just surprised me because I wasn't expecting it and it gave me a smile that he did it with me in mind.
Yea, he's my ex, but I still have feelings for him. I can't help it really. I just can't picture my life without him in it to be honest. He's my best friend. I tell him everything really. And he tells me quite a bit. Can't say I'm his best friend, but I know we are close. I'd like to be closer to him, but only when he is ready. Yes, I know I am pushy, but I can wait. Great things are worth waiting for.
Which reminds me of another quote I like "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return,". I'm not sure why it is resonating with me these days but it's been helpful I suppose. I'm learning to love the proper way. To communicate, without arguing, which was and still is a bit of a work in progress for me. So hopefully things will get better.]]]
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[center [size10 [+hotpink Some days I don't seem to know up from down or down from up. Even left and right get mixed up.
That's how my days seem these days. I'm in a funk. But... I got a laptop and my creative juices have been flowing and I really want to role play more. I want to chat with more people and make new friends more. I want to do more cosplays.
Currently debating on which one to do next. Currently, I've done female Sonic, female Deku, Ariel , Amy Pond, Juvia Lockser and three different original characters. I think I have done some other ones as well, but I cannot remember all of them. They're mainly on my TikTok page. But I also cosplay Ariel quite frequently with my cosplay group.
I did one event so far with my cosplay group and it was less than successful. Only because there were very few children there.I'm hoping the next event will be better. Currently, I go as Ariel to them, since that is the cosplay I have the full costume for. I do Ariel when she is human with no voice, but I can talk as her, as long as I stay true to her character when talking to children.
I love cosplaying and doing makeup. Experimenting is so much fun. I have a vampire/angel original character named Fallyn Angel. She has three forms to her. Her mother was a vampire and her father was an angel. In angel form she has blue eyes, curly read hair, no fangs and wears all white clothing. She sparkles even. In her normal form, she has straight hair, purple eyes, small fangs and wears whatever she feels like. In her vampire form, she has straight hair, red eyes, all black clothes and her fangs are much longer. Her personality even changes with each form too. As an angel, she is wise and fair. As her normal self, she is shy and timid, since most of her life she has been looked at as a freak. As a vampire, she's seductive and cruel.
My second original character is a werewolf named Ren. I don't have a backstory for her yet. But she has curly hair and pointed ears, fangs too. She wears a tank top and glasses. It's a specific tank top I have for her character. She's on the sarcastic side and I love her personality.
My third original character is Derya, she a fae and I love her. She has blue hair, blue eyes, wears a white dress, has white wings, wears a blue flower crown. She's sweet and kind and very new to the human world. But she tries to protect everyone to the best of her ability.
I do have a Hufflepuff original character, but she doesn't have a name yet. But she has straight hair, glasses and wears a yellow plaid dress with a Hufflepuff pin on it. She's on the shy side, but has a lot of Slytherin friends.
I want to do an Evie cosplay from Descendants 3. I loved her outfit and I just love Evie so freaking much. I identify with her all too much. I tend to identify with the blue haired women, I've noticed. Evie and Juvia for examples.
What else has been going on? Hmmm... I'm still in love with my ex. I wanna be with him, I really do. But it always seems like he's looking for something to fight about. I'm not sure what is going on with him these days though. I am literally expressing my feelings towards him, I'm not implying or inferring that that is his intention whatsoever, but just telling him my all around feelings towards what happened. And that seems to start a fight.
It used to be that I scared him. Now a days, I'm scared to tell him how I feel in fear of starting a fight. I love him dearly, do not mistake that fact at all, but I'm not trying to argue with him at all. I'm expressing my feelings. Before we had miscommunication all the time because I didn't speak up about my feelings. And now I do and it seems to cause more of a mess that I did not want. Just a peaceful conversation about feelings is all I was looking for. Just give me some reassurance that it's not what you are trying to do and that's that. Hug me, kiss me, tell me I'm being silly. Acknowledge that my feelings are valid because of the abuse I went through in my life and tell me that I have nothing to fear with you.
I admit that I have issues in relationships. I'm not perfect and I do not claim to be. I have jealousy issues and self esteem issues. Most guys I have dated or been with intimately end up telling me beautiful lies. They say one thing and then I see another thing. It's not nice to be the girl no one wants to be with. It messes with your mind a little. It messes with how you look at yourself.
Not only that, I got bullied growing up. I still get bullied. Not only by my peers occasionally, but also by my own mother. That's not kind at all. I do not bully my daughter. I tell her she is beautiful no matter what. My mother, from a young age used to call me fat and tell me that I needed to lose weight. I was just a child then. She still berates me to this day. No only on my outer appearance, but my ability as a mother and on my job.
I have a job, it may not pay a lot, but it is a job. When I finish school it will pay more. I just have to finish school. I may not live on my own yet, but that is because I am being a mother and trying my hardest for my daughter.
I go through a lot of things that people never see. Because I literally hide it all. I hide small stuff. I suffer from depression and anxiety. I'm not okay. I cry sometimes. And you know what, it's okay to not be okay. At least I am aware of that and I am trying to help myself.]]]
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[center [size10 [+hotpink I haven’t written here in a long while. Hmmm... where do I even start?
I’ve made some rash decisions in life thus far, but I’m trying to make better ones lately.
I broke up with my boyfriend in October. I met a new guy that I thought I liked. Turns out he was a jerk, at least to me he was. Or maybe, I was too much for him. I won’t lie, I’ve got a lot of trust issues, so I can get a bit jealous sometimes, but I tried to keep that in check cause he was a bit weary at first of even dating. First wanting to be open and then changing his mind and then changing his mind once again. He put a lot of trust into a 14 year old girl, not me, but another friend of ours. It’s weird to say that though. He’s much older and yet he treated her like she was older. It was strange. I bit my tongue a lot.
Moving on. I lost a friend recently. I chose to get rid of her out of my life. She called me a not so nice name via Facebook and proceeded to spread lies about me to my own sister and to people I was friends with. Said I used her for rides and would get mad if her car wasn’t working. I never used her for rides. I always offered her a ride over my place any time her car wasn’t working. I always gave her gas money, even when I never got a ride. I always bought her food whenever she didn’t have money too.
It all started over a boy. She had to be sneaky about a boy she liked. Cause I liked him. She has a boyfriend and she was flirting with another guy. She refused to give me his number when he said I could have it. She hung out with him all the time. She admitted months later that she liked him. When she knew from the beginning I liked him. And she told me right from the beginning that he wasn’t her type. Then, she got him to block me on Facebook. Told him that she blocked me. She didn’t block me at all. I blocked her very recently. I admit, I went about my feelings the wrong way and should have went to her first, but my sister, MY SISTER, shouldn’t have done what she did. She’s my sister but I guess blood isn’t thicker in this case.
Found out my sister was doing drugs in the house. That’s wonderful, right? She says she’s not addicted. But she does it every day. So that makes sense. Makes me worry for my niece.
Currently, I’m still in love with my ex and unsure what to do. I wanna be my own person. But I wanna be with him. I wanna make him happy by being myself. But myself is either not enough or too much. Literally no in between. And I feel like that makes me a bad person. I love talking to him and I can tell him anything, but I also can’t tell him my feelings all the time. It’s like I get sad cause of something and I can’t tell him because he gets defensive and it scares me a bit. I love him though, very much. I want to be at that level that I can tell him anything. That I can even protect him.
Recently watched The Rising of the Shield Hero. I highly recommend it. I’m hoping for a second season. Loving Raphtalia. Working on a cosplay of her. I have a lot of cosplans planned out. Just gotta slowly put them together. Gotta get a new laptop, that’s number one on my list.
Let’s see. Found out that I have to go to physical therapy twice a week soon. That’s not gonna be fun at all. It’s for my back. I fell a few weeks ago down the stairs and lately it’s been bad. I think it stems even more from when I over exerted myself a couple months ago exercising and hurt my back then. But that’s just me.]]]
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[center [size10 [+hotpink Stop being so silly.
I’m not in this for money.
You don’t need to pay me back for anything.
My money was not wasted at all.
It was put to good use.
I’m not in this for money.
Or even some sort of prize.
Let’s be honest here.
The real prize is you.
No I didn’t have to play a game with you.
That’s not what I mean.
I mean that you’re one in a billion.
And I’m so freaking lucky to have you in my life.
Not just as my best friend, but as my lover.
My other half.
I’m in a state of bliss.
As of late.
I feel like I was worrying over nothing before.
I will probably always worry.
But not as much as I have been.
I was worrying so much before, that I was having mini panic attacks.
That’s not good for anyone.
I know you worry.
And I appreciate it.
But no need to worry anymore.
I’m literally feeling so much better now.
Having taken some time to truly think about a lot of things.
And lots of reassurance from you.
I’m feeling 75% better.
Not 100%, but pretty close.
And that counts.
I still have my moments.
But I’m going to be more trusting.
Of course, I want to be with you forever.
I’m in this for the long haul.
I’m not looking back or giving up.
As you are doing the same for me,
I’m sorry if I pushed you.
I didn’t mean to.
I love you so much.
I feel like the luckiest girl right now.
So very lucky to have a guy who cares and loves me.
Not only me really.
But even my daughter.
You’re truly amazing and I couldn’t ask for better.
I mean everything I say.
I promise you that.]]]
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[center [size10 [+hotpink You ever just love someone so much?
That you literally can’t get them off your mind?
That you can’t eat, can’t sleep, feeling over the moon kind of love?
I guess that’s how I’m feeling lately.
I love someone so much.
I’m not sure what the future holds for us.
But I’m not gonna give up.
You told me to hold your hand.
So I’m gonna hold your hands.
You told me to trust you.
So I’m gonna trust you.
I’m giving my all to you.
Like you are for me.
I’m in love with you, you big lug.
I hope you know that.
I can’t wait to spend the rest of our lives together.
You’re really something else.
In a good way silly.
Like when I talk to you, it’s like time stands still.
I feel like I’m on a cloud.
Cause you make Heaven our place on Earth.
Always so understanding.
Always there for me.
Putting me before anything.
I am so lucky to have you.
God gave me you for the ups and downs.
God gave me you for the days of doubt.
For when I think I've lost my way, there are no words here left to say, it's true.
God gave me you.
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[center [size10 [+hotpink August 20th to August 26th.
Those days will live with me forever.
I can’t begin to explain how I feel right now.
Elated, that’s a good word to use.
Excited for the future.
I could even say that.
Above it all I feel pure happiness.
I’m really bad at keeping things in lately.
When I feel something I just go for it.
I suppose that is the Disney Princess in me escaping.
I probably sound crazy with all of this.
No pure explanation.
So August 20th of 2018, let’s start there.
I went to the airport, nervous as heck, to pick up this really cute guy I know.
I think it went well.
I picked him up and brought him to my house to stay for the week.
We spent a wonderful week together.
I’m hoping to spend more days together as well.
I am in love with Christopher.
I’m not afraid to say that.
I put four long years into him and I’m not giving up.
I guess that sounds crazy.
To be in love with a guy who has denied me for so long.
I guess you can’t help who you love.
He can deny me all he wants.
If he wants.
We shall see.
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But I miss him now.
He left August 26th, 2018.
Seven long days we spent together.
Seven days of emotions.
Seven days of love and passion.
Seven days I would not change for the world.
He held me in his arms.
Made me feel safe.
I owe him so much.
It was perfect.
Yes, I did cry.
Lots of tears were shed.
Because I have insecurities.
A lot of them.
But he made me feel like it was okay to feel how I felt.
That I had every right to feel how I felt.
He was amazing.
That’s all I can say.
Any time I cried, he wiped my tears away.
Any time I smiled and laughed it was because of him.
He made my heart flutter.
Pure happiness was felt.
Still felt now.
I’m just head over heels.
Of course we have our issues, but who doesn’t.
I’ll take him no matter what.
I know he’s broken, but I love him and want to support him.
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Did I mention he’s a great dad to my daughter?
Yes, I have a daughter.
And she isn’t his.
But he treats her like she is his.
He gives her so much love.
I am so lucky to have found him.
My daughter and I are so lucky to have found him.
To have him in our lives is a blessing.
God works in mysterious ways.
God has been watching out for me.
I just know that we are meant to be.
So I am in a good place in my life.
Mentally and emotionally.
Which rarely happens for me.
But to the point, I love Christopher.
I guess we’re not officially together but I wanna be.
I’d do anything for him.
He’s perfect in my eyes.
Just an amazing person.
I don’t deserve him in my life really.
I really don’t.
But there he is.
Putting me on this pedestal that I don’t belong on.
He loves me for me.
And all my flaws and craziness.
He just loves me.
No expectations other than to love him back.
He’s my best friend and I love him so much.
I can’t help my feelings.
I wish I could convey my feelings better than this, but my computer is out of commission for awhile.
So mobile is the only way I can go about this.
Hopefully this wasn’t too bad X3]]]
All posts are either in parody or to be taken as literature. This is a roleplay site. Sexual content is forbidden.