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Ugh. SO much I need to do.
Can I just not be fat? Is that cool?
This shouldn't be happening... This can't go wrong, I won't be able to handle if this goes wrong.. I'll fall apart.
It is disgusting. We are told to love sex but never masturbate or fool around. To love our bodies but we have to be hairless, thin, have boobs, and to never wear make up to cover our flaws. We can like sports and watch them but we can’t play them unless they are toned down and pretty enough to be oggled at. We can be nerds but we can’t be TOO smart or we forget our place. We are told we need a prince charming and to seek him out by constantly changing ourselves and being perfect for him. We are given the message that outside beauty is what matters the most but if we have it and get successful it was because we have a pretty face. We are told we exaggerate and should just go with it when we complain of being objects and property. We are taught that being a woman is worthy of an insult… WE have to fear walking at night. WE have to go in a group if we need to use the bathroom in a strange place. WE have to be cautious of where we are and who we are with. That we are told to hush and get over it if we are assaulted because real life isn’t like the crime shows and it is harder to convict the assaulter. That female artists are degraded and yelled at in artist alleys. That you are judged just by how you wear a t-shirt.
Stressed out. I. Am. Stressed. Out.
What's it like, having everything come easy to you? Friends, grades, looks, guys, money. Is that nice? Is it harder than you make it seem? You're family loves and supports you, you don't need to work, you're already getting offered scholarships. I can barely pass English 3.
Where did I go wrong? I used to be kind of like that. Well the good grades part, I can't seem to figure out what that all went down hill. I'm holding a 3.3 GPA, a Junior class, no chance at top of my class, no chance of distinctions, next to no chance at scholarships, no college fund, no plan with what to do after highschool, no money, few friends, unyielding depression, to much anxiety, frequent thoughts of suicide. Where did I go wrong?
Ugh I don't know quiet how I feel about today yet, I guess I'll find out soon enough though.
Today.. Today is just weird, I'm jumping from happy and content to sad and jealous and lonely in the course of seconds. I'm beginning to think you're doing this on purpose. You're doing things just to upset me, it's rather obvious. I should be ok with all these other couples since I'm not single either, but I'm not. I hate seeing everyone else so happy when I am barely stable.
It's just not fair. Why do I have to have all these problems? Why can't I just be your average teenager? I'm sick of being 'that guy' the outcast. I'm sick of people purposely using me, or trying to hurt me when I've never done anything to them. It's not like I asked to be this way, It's not like I enjoy being viewed as a freak.
I've tried so hard to make everyone see who I am, yet for some reason they only how I used to be, secluded harsh and vindictive. I'm not the same person I was three years ago so why can't anyone see that?
I know I shouldn't care about anyone else's opinion, but I'm just not that kind of person. every. Single. Thing. Will get to me. I may be great at putting on a face, hell I'm damned good at it if I don't want you too know somethings wrong you won't, but that's a lie. I honestly don't believe that anyone will, or can, even begin to understand what it's like in my head. A constant struggle between whats good what's bad and what's just eating me alive.
And truthfully I don't know how much longer I'll be able to handle all of this. It seems everyday something else goes wrong and shows me why I want to stop living, you heard right stop living not die. I don't necessarily want to die, I just want this all to end.
I think what I want, what I need, is just a fresh start, a clean slate. I need to start over. Go somewhere new. Somewhere were no one knows me, I have no reputation. People are always joking "well I wish I had a reset button, or I wish I could do that again." In all honesty I think if people had just one reset button in their lives the world would be an immeasurably better place. Have a new start is the best thing you can get.
I have to go now, we are headed out once again, and my head feels just a little clearer than it did when I started writing all of this so hopefully I'll be feeling a bit better for contest soon. I don't know how it will go but I'm positive I will give it my best effort.
I'm going to fail this class D': I feel terrible but I can't write all these essays! I just can't. I don't know why. I can't figure out how, literally cant. And I'm goign to get a terrible grade in this class and My GPA wont go up and I'm not goign to graduate high in my class and I'm goign to get yelled at by my parents again, and the gay assed mac book isnt workign right and I cant log onto the online classroom site and I still dont know how to log on and check my grades D':
Why am I such a terrible person? I try my best, I really do, to be more kind; yet I can't seem to act happy enough for people to believe it. I have diagnosed social anxiety and depression, and it's just really hard for me to be all sweet and happy all the time. I'm really tired of people judging me for it :/. Look I'm sorry I'm not some happy, peppy, little damn ball of sunshine, but I'm trying alright? This is hard for me. Every single day is a new test and every day I start the day this close to bursting into tears. Just because I seem tough and cold doesn't mean that you can be terrible to me and it won't hurt. I'm just as sensitive, if not more so, than anyone else, and having so many people be so unkind with me is extremely stressful. :/
I guess I just really kind of needed my own space, I share one with Tally, and she's one of my very best friends.. but I just kind of feel like I'm mooching when I post in hers.
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