It doesn't really mean anything

/ By X [+Watch]

Replies: 64 / 4 years 95 days 17 hours 30 minutes 45 seconds

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I've spent about two hours on the toilet today.
Had to leave work early as well.
i'm in so much pain right now...
  HEAD ES PESSIMIST / X / 21d 54m 47s
so there is this room. a pretty unrealistic room, i think? maybe it's doable, i'unno. anyways!
so there is this room- a bedroom. where there is only a nightstand, a bed, and a lazyboy chair in a row, the floor is made out of either marble or polished stone, and then... and then a few steps from the bed the room is separated by this... this cloth(?) screen or drape or something? with holes that are tiny enough to keep bugs out but still let you see outside perfectly. also it's removable, or moveable? anyway so what is on the other side of this screen is a sloping grassy... field? yeah, a field or maybe a grassy knoll? not sure. it's flanked by brick walls and bushes, with maybe a few pine trees at the very end. and just beyond this enclosed little field is a very picturesque-looking lake or large pond with arching stone bridges. and you could only see all this from the bed or the chair it is seemed just so tranquil and beautiful in a mysterious way.
  HEAD ES PESSIMIST / X / 24d 11h 13m 57s
well now what am I supposed to do? not even Kroger will fuckin' hire my ass.
  HEAD ES PESSIMIST / X / 49d 6h 14m 35s
i wish something magical like that could happen in my life. but reality is dull and boring and fantastical things don't actually exist.
maybe that's why i've been reading these shitty web novels so much. hell, i've been playing less videos and less video games over the years in favor of these shitty web novels. they're so damn stupid, and the stories are never original, but... i can't help but envy the protagonist every time. i wish that could be me going on those stupid magical and completely generic adventures.

they are the desires of a child, and i'm not a kid anymore. unfortunately i don't think i'll ever grow up no matter what I tell myself, or what others tell me. being this childish is just who I am, i think...

by the time virtual reality actually becomes something big and fantastic that allows me to actually transfer my mind into a fantasy world i'll be either dead or too old.

I also suspect that my mind is already starting to corrode to some extent. It sorta feels like my regressing mentally.
maybe things wouldn't have turn out this bad if i didn't make all those stupid mistakes in the past? if i wasn't so afraid of everything?
i've been thinking far too much about suicide lately. well, more like i've just been thinking about dying. of course i don't think i'll ever actually do it, but it's just not good to be thinking about it at all, y'know?
makes me wonder how much longer my mind will be able to endure.

i have some pretty nice dreams sometimes. i often wish i could just stay in those dreams forever. at least in there i'm someone better. i'm someone who is loved. but that's impossible. everything is impossible.

haah. how pointless. i hope nobody reads all this embarrassing shit. though i'm sure there is at least one person who glances over it out of curiosity.
maybe i should consider making a blog... i like this odd corner of the internet, though.
  HEAD ES PESSIMIST / X / 53d 5h 18m 7s
I just wasted money on a game I didn't want on the nintendo switch e-shop because I thought it was a completely different game. digital purchases are non-refundable.

i want to die.
  HEAD ES PESSIMIST / X / 70d 1h 6m 1s
yes let's have me carry the god damn cat to and from the vet without a carriage. what a smart fucking idea i don't see how this could possibly go wrong.

  HEAD ES PESSIMIST / X / 70d 10h 3m 16s
I feel very uncomfortable in this room. It is too big. There is too much space. I feel exposed, uneasy.

... I cannot sleep.
  HEAD ES PESSIMIST / X / 89d 15h 19m 28s
well i finally got desperate enough to try and make an account on some dating site.
keyword "try" as i ended up staring at the page that required me to upload a photo and describe myself for a good ten minutes or so before i gave up and closed the tab.
  HEAD ES PESSIMIST / X / 144d 18h 33m 31s
i had a rather traumatizing dream. one that i'd rather forget its contents, but not forget the fact that i've had it.
  HEAD ES PESSIMIST / X / 170d 28m 9s
i can't go on like this.

i cannot go on like this.
  HEAD ES PESSIMIST / X / 229d 18h 4m 49s
Kinda generic fantasy world. Story starts out simple; band of heroes traveling across the world and trying to stop enemy faction of "demons".
There is a place in the very center of the world that you return to often. it's an ancient "elevator shaft" in the middle of a forest that leads to a cave called simply "the cave of origins".
Half-way into the story things take a sudden turn. The majority of the world is covered in this purple miasma practically overnight and every living being within this miasma pretty much just dies. the band of heroes return to the cave of origins after this only to find out that it has... mutated grotesquely. what was once an ordinary-looking cave is now covered in this pulsating fleshy mass and living sludge. the deeper they go the more alien the landscapes they discover. they find lost souls, and mad men who have wandered through this cave long before the band of heroes ever discovered it and uh..

all the lost souls have gathered in this cave of origins and its were the rest of the story will take place and stuff.

my dreams are weird.
  HEAD ES PESSIMIST / X / 322d 6h 48m 24s
I'm so close- so very close to finally getting myself a dog, and there is just one head ache after another. Meanwhile my father keeps switching from being really supportive to this and to trying his damnedest to sabotage everything.

I have a puppy on hold for adoption and I have until tomorrow morning to pick him up. The dog itself is going to cost me 300 dollars, and the landlord wants us to pay an additional 500 + 150 increase in rent for us to keep the puppy here.
I'm paying all of that. I'm not exactly using that money for anything else anyways...
  HEAD ES PESSIMIST / X / 1y 14d 3h 9m 7s
I had a dream where I was going on a road trip with Gimli, Legolas, and Aragorn. The dwarf was driving, Aragorn with in the passenger seat, and Legolas was in the back seat. We were in a minivan. We were driving to Krogers. Why was the dwarf driving?
  HEAD ES PESSIMIST / X / 1y 76d 16h 6m 57s
My hairline is starting to recede on my right-hand side.
This depresses me immensely.
  HEAD ES PESSIMIST / X / 1y 85d 20h 16m 10s
What exactly triggers these types of dreams, I wonder?
I only slept for a couple of hours, and yet the rapidly-changing landscape made it feel like years had gone by.

A young, and very much in love, couple alone in a world where they are the only humans left. At the top of some summit they plead with some greater power to spare them. Through pity this unknown being eventually did as long as they promised to continue leading a lifestyle that would not needlessly harm nature.

A large, empty husk of a warehouse and the sole person who lives in it.
Large stretches of wasteland in every direction.

A massive train that travels across an entire continent, and the people who live on it. Including a single young girl who was practically an idol to everyone on board.

And a RV that was as big as a small house traveling on a wide and seemingly endless road with several people who laze about in it all day and all night.

-- Even now some of the more minor scenes are blurry, and the details of these various scenes are starting to fade away.
Dreams are such mysterious things.
  HEAD ES PESSIMIST / X / 1y 109d 17h 16m 38s

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