It doesn't really mean anything

/ By X [+Watch]

Replies: 68 / 4 years 223 days 4 hours 13 minutes 25 seconds

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I finally managed to gather up the courage to ask out my coworker.
In person. I've never done that before...

I hope things go well.
  HEAD ES PESSIMIST / X / 52d 13h 8m 6s
Just leave! Just leave her already! Ditch her! You destroyed it already! You self-destructed and ruined everything just like you said you would! Don't stick around! Nothing is going to happen. You've killed that thread of hope. It's over.

Why don't you leave!? You're only going to hurt yourself. Your just another hopeless ex now.

God, Devil, whatever- kill me now... I want to die.
  HEAD ES PESSIMIST / X / 57d 22h 50m 34s
I'm doing this to myself again, huh? Getting too emotionally invested in someone who lives on the other side of the continent. Who I still don't know very much about.

... Who doesn't really spend very much time with me. Who lives 3 hours behind me.

... This is going to end horribly, isn't it? This is going to be extremely painful, isn't it?
  HEAD ES PESSIMIST / X / 77d 4h 30m 46s
Time sure does just love to speed on by, huh?

I really wish that I could magically dispel these social anxieties I have. Especially those towards the opposite sex. If I wasn't so weird, and quiet, and unsocial I probably wouldn't be so lonely and depressed all the time.

... I really should see a psychiatrist... Or something. I might need something to quell this constant depression of mine before it gets outta hand. Though I'm afraid that whatever they give me may either, a) make it worse, or b) be too addictive.
  HEAD ES PESSIMIST / X / 112d 3h 55m 18s
I've spent about two hours on the toilet today.
Had to leave work early as well.
i'm in so much pain right now...
  HEAD ES PESSIMIST / X / 148d 11h 37m 27s
so there is this room. a pretty unrealistic room, i think? maybe it's doable, i'unno. anyways!
so there is this room- a bedroom. where there is only a nightstand, a bed, and a lazyboy chair in a row, the floor is made out of either marble or polished stone, and then... and then a few steps from the bed the room is separated by this... this cloth(?) screen or drape or something? with holes that are tiny enough to keep bugs out but still let you see outside perfectly. also it's removable, or moveable? anyway so what is on the other side of this screen is a sloping grassy... field? yeah, a field or maybe a grassy knoll? not sure. it's flanked by brick walls and bushes, with maybe a few pine trees at the very end. and just beyond this enclosed little field is a very picturesque-looking lake or large pond with arching stone bridges. and you could only see all this from the bed or the chair it is seemed just so tranquil and beautiful in a mysterious way.
  HEAD ES PESSIMIST / X / 151d 21h 56m 37s
well now what am I supposed to do? not even Kroger will fuckin' hire my ass.
  HEAD ES PESSIMIST / X / 176d 16h 57m 15s
i wish something magical like that could happen in my life. but reality is dull and boring and fantastical things don't actually exist.
maybe that's why i've been reading these shitty web novels so much. hell, i've been playing less videos and less video games over the years in favor of these shitty web novels. they're so damn stupid, and the stories are never original, but... i can't help but envy the protagonist every time. i wish that could be me going on those stupid magical and completely generic adventures.

they are the desires of a child, and i'm not a kid anymore. unfortunately i don't think i'll ever grow up no matter what I tell myself, or what others tell me. being this childish is just who I am, i think...

by the time virtual reality actually becomes something big and fantastic that allows me to actually transfer my mind into a fantasy world i'll be either dead or too old.

I also suspect that my mind is already starting to corrode to some extent. It sorta feels like my regressing mentally.
maybe things wouldn't have turn out this bad if i didn't make all those stupid mistakes in the past? if i wasn't so afraid of everything?
i've been thinking far too much about suicide lately. well, more like i've just been thinking about dying. of course i don't think i'll ever actually do it, but it's just not good to be thinking about it at all, y'know?
makes me wonder how much longer my mind will be able to endure.

i have some pretty nice dreams sometimes. i often wish i could just stay in those dreams forever. at least in there i'm someone better. i'm someone who is loved. but that's impossible. everything is impossible.

haah. how pointless. i hope nobody reads all this embarrassing shit. though i'm sure there is at least one person who glances over it out of curiosity.
maybe i should consider making a blog... i like this odd corner of the internet, though.
  HEAD ES PESSIMIST / X / 180d 16h 47s
I just wasted money on a game I didn't want on the nintendo switch e-shop because I thought it was a completely different game. digital purchases are non-refundable.

i want to die.
  HEAD ES PESSIMIST / X / 197d 11h 48m 41s
yes let's have me carry the god damn cat to and from the vet without a carriage. what a smart fucking idea i don't see how this could possibly go wrong.

  HEAD ES PESSIMIST / X / 197d 20h 45m 56s
I feel very uncomfortable in this room. It is too big. There is too much space. I feel exposed, uneasy.

... I cannot sleep.
  HEAD ES PESSIMIST / X / 217d 2h 2m 8s
well i finally got desperate enough to try and make an account on some dating site.
keyword "try" as i ended up staring at the page that required me to upload a photo and describe myself for a good ten minutes or so before i gave up and closed the tab.
  HEAD ES PESSIMIST / X / 272d 5h 16m 11s
i had a rather traumatizing dream. one that i'd rather forget its contents, but not forget the fact that i've had it.
  HEAD ES PESSIMIST / X / 297d 11h 10m 49s
i can't go on like this.

i cannot go on like this.
  HEAD ES PESSIMIST / X / 357d 4h 47m 29s
Kinda generic fantasy world. Story starts out simple; band of heroes traveling across the world and trying to stop enemy faction of "demons".
There is a place in the very center of the world that you return to often. it's an ancient "elevator shaft" in the middle of a forest that leads to a cave called simply "the cave of origins".
Half-way into the story things take a sudden turn. The majority of the world is covered in this purple miasma practically overnight and every living being within this miasma pretty much just dies. the band of heroes return to the cave of origins after this only to find out that it has... mutated grotesquely. what was once an ordinary-looking cave is now covered in this pulsating fleshy mass and living sludge. the deeper they go the more alien the landscapes they discover. they find lost souls, and mad men who have wandered through this cave long before the band of heroes ever discovered it and uh..

all the lost souls have gathered in this cave of origins and its were the rest of the story will take place and stuff.

my dreams are weird.
  HEAD ES PESSIMIST / X / 1y 84d 17h 31m 4s

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